OTHER SUN VALLEY 2016 POSTS:
My daughter, Connie, presented to a packed ballroom of slightly unhinged (mostly drunk) industry titans at the Sun Valley Lodge this afternoon. I’m not proud of her because that little monster is trying to destroy something my family has built up over the past 100 years.
My assistant, Vicky Adler-Modry has transcribed the presentation and attempted to include a bit of narration (and sanity) to the chaotic affair which will most likely go down as a total failure.
BURN, HOLLYWOOD, BURN (OR HOW THE PLURALS GENERATION IS COMING TO DESTROY YOUR BUSINESS) by Connie Manka – Board Member – Manka Bros. Studios
Herb Allen, looking every one of his 76-years in a fishing hat with lures dangling and a Allen & Co. fleece vest approaches the stage in the Great Hall Of The Moguls (The Limelight Ballroom) and calms down the raucous crowd.
Herb Allen: OK OK – quiet please. We’ve got a lot to cover today and I want to get to our adorable special guest speaker. First of all, I want to thank Justin Trudeau for eating ALL of the shrimp. Who knew a guy could eat so much shrimp? Just a freak of nature – unbelievable. That was a lot of shrimp, my friend. I haven’t seen anything swallowed like that since Microsoft swallowed LinkedIn! Am I right? OK OK – my apologies. OK. Let me bring out our little cutie keynote speaker this morning – Connie Manka. She is probably the youngest member – at fourteen – of any corporate Board in America. Just tremendous. Her father, Khan, we know – just a real jerk – right?
Khan Manka, Jr. (from crowd): Fuck you, Peaches.
Herb Allen: OK OK – let’s move on before the wheels fall off completely. My bad. Here she is, cute as a button, don’t be afraid, dearie, Connie Manka!
(Applause from the crowd as Connie Manka – dressed age appropriate – walks disinterested up to the microphone.)
Connie Manka: First of all, the Plurals Generation – myself included – does not give one fuck about anyone in this room.
(Slight commotion and a few gasps from the old white men in the crowd.)
Connie Manka: Second of all, the Plurals Generation – myself included – does not give one fuck about anyone in this room who is offended that I say “does not give one fuck.” Sorry, bluebloods, grandpas and old farts, Plurals swear a lot!
Rupert Murdoch (from crowd): Cut that little smart-ass off, Herb.
Connie Manka: Shut up, Mr. Murdoch! You’re on my list.
(The GASPS in the room are louder than when we found out “The Crying Game” girl was a dude.)
Connie Manka: We also don’t respect out elders. Especially you in this room who, with the content you have produced, have given us zero reason to respect anyone or anything! Hang on one sec.
(She picks up her cellphone and types deftly with her thumbs.)
Connie Manka: That is so funny, Maya! No, I’m not home. Blah. I’m here…
(Connie takes a picture of the unruly room of moguls and swipes it back to her friend.)
Connie Manka: … probably about four or so. (to the room) We are Plurals. Millennials are old. We can do more than one thing at once – duh, Plurals – and do it all well. Hey, Hollywood, we’re not going to watch your stupid over-the-top service – and we’re certainly not going to pay for it. Manka Bros., with great fanfare, announced our own over-the-top service – MankaGoNow – but you know, dad, no one is going to watch or pay.
Khan Manka, Jr.: You are NOT my daughter!
Connie Manka: That reminds me of something else – and I haven’t even started with the charts that shows why all of you in this room – even the kids at the cool table Facebook and Snapchat – are irrelevant… Hang on.
(Connie takes a moment to watch a video on her phone. The room is getting out of control. Connie finishes watching and apparently shares with some friends.)
Connie Manka: If you want me to finish, I’ll finish. I don’t care. So many of you in this room have young children – from your second or third wife. You have so many families yet you have no energy to raise them because you’re old. I mean, I am the 14-year-old daughter of a very old man.
Khan Manka, Jr.: I’m 56!
Connie Manka: Dad!
Khan Manka, Jr.: OK – 66! But I feel 56.
Connie Manka: 56 is old! But I will give you this, dad… (she quickly returns a text)
Herb Allen: Khan, what the hell is this?!
Connie Manka: I will give you this, dad, at least you didn’t remarry and start another family after mom disappeared eight years ago. Most of you guys don’t care much about your first or second families. You only care about your “youthful” image and power – well, guess what, geniuses, the Plurals are coming to shatter your image and take away your power. So I suggest you pick up your golf clubs and do what rich white people do. Play golf. Die.
(Rupert Murdoch, Les Moonves and many others are standing and shouting at the 14-year-old as if they were in “Casablanca” singing “La Marseillaise” to the Germans. Not to say that Connie Manka is a Nazi – just – you get the idea.)
Connie Manka: I’m done with this. I have so many more interesting things to do with my life than stand here with you dinosaurs. Here’s one chart that shows you the future. Dad, I’ll be on the plane.
(Connie Manka leaves the stage. The GoPro dude Nick Woodman and Jack Dorsey of Twitter run up to protect her as she makes her exit as dinner rolls thrown by the crowd bounce around her.)
(Khan Manka, Jr. takes the stage quickly.)
Khan Manka, Jr.: Just so you know, I don’t agree with one thing she said. We have a fraternity here that’s stronger than Skull & Bones and nothing can crack our resolve!
Tim Cook (from the back): Fuck you, Khan!