Barry Diller – Page 7 – Chairman's Blog

January 3, 2012January 3, 2012

The Producers Guild Can Suck It

And while I’m at it – the Hollywood Foreign Press can suck it, too!

So, this morning I returned to the studio from a month long vacation at my house in the Seychelles – feeling relaxed, very tan and ready to make 2012 the biggest and most profitable year in Manka Bros. history.

I even had a smile on my face.

One of my assistants (Vicky, I think??? – the one with the thing on her face), even told me that I looked happy for the first time ever. And then she told me that the Producer’s Guild nominations were out – and a copy was on my desk.

Fantastic. I couldn’t wait to see how many films from the 2011 Manka Bros. Films slate and/or Manka Highbrow slate made the list.

I sat down at my desk. A very nice bowl of high-fiber fruit was waiting for me (because I ate way too much extra sharp cheddar cheese over the holidays). I made a quick check of the list.

Hmmm… no Manka Bros. titles.

I looked a little closer. Nope.

That’s really odd. I sent cases of Opus One to that fucking place.

(And I sent cartons of Camel Turkish Blend cigarettes to the Hollywood Foreign Press which didn’t result in any nominations either.)

There must be some mistake.

Perhaps we were so loaded down with Television nominations the Producers Guild felt it would have been too much to give us a Theatrical nomination.

Certainly there would be a few shows from the Manka Bros. Television slate on that list. Everyone has told me that Forensics: The New Voices is a virtual lock for a best drama nomination.

Hmmmm…. no TV nominations either.

I mean, what in the fucking goddamned shit is going on?!!

Adding insult to injury is the fact that Steven Spielberg got TWO NOMINATIONS! TWO! For “War Horse” and “Tintin” – are you fucking kidding me?

Spielberg hasn’t made anything decent since that Joan Crawford “Night Gallery” episode!

Did the Producers Guild not see “Freedom Swimmers” starring Michael Phelps? Did they not see “Last Train To Crazy”? Or “Bella Sangiovese”?

Well, Producers Guild, don’t worry about nominating us next year – I am done with you. You’re a bunch of freakin’ dinosaurs who decide nominations over martinis and cheese toast at The Smoke House.

FYI, here is the Manka Bros. Films 2012 Slate and our Manka Highbrow 2012 Slate. These are the films you won’t be allowed to nominate.

Your loss, losers.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

P.S. – Please return my very expensive wine. There are many others more deserving of my bribes.

December 19, 2011December 19, 2011

Sumner Redstone’s Holiday Party

Ari Emanuel, Ben Silverman, Bob's Big Boy Burbank, Electus, Fred Willard, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jill Kennedy, kara swisher, Khan Manka, Les Moonves, Manka Bros., Melinda the first lady of magic, nikki finke, Nokia Theater, OnMedea, Philippe Dauman, Rupert Murdoch, sharon waxman, Sherry Lansing, Sumner Redstone, Taylor Swift, Terry Semel, The black Eyed Peas, thewrap.com, Viacom's Holiday party

Over the weekend, I went to Sumner Redstone’s Holiday Party at Bob’s Big Boy in Burbank. It was a pretty sad event with only a few of the invited guests bothering to show up.

Sumner kept staring at the front door and mumbled over and over: “Well, it IS raining…” and “After the rain stops, I’m sure more will show up”, etc.

The few of us that did venture out on that cold, rainy Saturday really wish we didn’t.

It was me, Phillipe Dauman, Ben Silverman (with some girl who talked non-stop about how she slept with Tiger Woods and Kobe Bryant), Melinda (the first lady of magic) and Fred Willard.

We had a table in the center of the restaurant. There were no booths available.

This was a new low for Sumner (and, frankly, a new low for me for daring to be seen there).

As many of you know, Sumner has been living on-and-off at my house ever since announcing his divorce last year and I felt bad for the old guy.

He was babbling about rumors out there (from years ago) that News Corp. and his old media enemy Rupert Mudoch want to buy Viacom for the cable channels. While I don’t really think that’s a possibility, Sumner believes everything he reads on the Internet and reacts accordingly.

He told me if Rupert tries to buy him out, he will kill everyone involved and book the first Virgin Galactic flight into outer space where he will live out his days in peace.

The Bob’s Big Boy waitress assigned to our table was getting angry that Sumner wanted to wait for more people to arrive before ordering. She finally said there would be no more free ice tea until food was ordered. “There are people waiting for this table,” she said.

With that, we ordered.

I got the Super Big Boy with onion rings and a strawberry shake. Phillipe Dauman was going to get the lemon cod but changed his mind once he heard what I was getting. He decided on the Super Big Boy with onion rings and a chocolate shake.

Everyone else got a variation on the same theme.

The rest of the evening was too pathetic to mention in much detail:

Melinda (the first lady of magic) balanced a spoon on her nose about twenty times;
Fred Willard went on and on about a sewer problem he was having at his house;
Ben Silverman talked about how he was going to Les Moonves‘ CBS party (which was being held later that night at the Nokia Theater with special musical performances by Common and Taylor Swift);
I was also headed to the CBS party. (Sumner was not invited.)

Our food arrived quickly and the burgers were undercooked. None of us really cared because we wanted to get out of there as fast as possible.

When the checked arrived, Sumner patted his pockets as though he forgot his wallet. Melinda (the first lady of magic) picked up the check for the table. The party was over by 7:30.

Worst Holiday party ever – though the strawberry shake was excellent.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

P.S. – I’ll write about the unbelievable time I had at the CBS party at a later date.

October 12, 2011October 12, 2011

Gay Moroccan Poetry Is Not Going To Save Our Publishing Business

1982 Mouton-Rothchild, Cyrus Weinstein, Dan Brown, DC Comics, Gay Moroccan Poetry, Gotcha, Great Receipts by Unknown Chefs, Khan Manka, Long-Tail Strategy, Manka Bros., MC Comics, Moroccan Literature, publishing business, Punk'd, Simon & Schuster, Slivovitz, The DaVinci Code, Travel Blog, World's Largest Media Company, Allen & Company retreat, Ari Emanuel, Barry Diller, Ben Silverman, Bob Iger, Carol Bartz, DumbDumb, Electus, Eric Schmidt, Gina Bianchini, Herb Allen, Herb Allen Sun Valley Conference, Herbert Allen, Jeff Bewkes, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jeffrey Immelt, Jerry Yang, Khan Manka, Lady Gaga, Leslie Moonves, Lloyd Grohl, Manka Bros., Marissa Mayer, Mark Pincus, Mark Zuckerberg, Peter Chernin, Phillippe Dauman, Reid Hoffman, Richard Parsons, Ricky Van Veen, Rupert Murdoch, Sergey Brin, Sheryl Sandberg, Steve Jobs, Sun Valley Retreat, Sun Valley Retreat 2010, Terry Semel, World's Largest Media Company, Chase Carey, James Murdoch, Elisabeth Murdoch, Lachlan Murdoch, Jim Gianopulos, Joel Klein, Jon Miller, Steve Burke, Michael Angelakis, Leslie Moonves, Philippe Dauman, Jeff Bewkes, John Martin, Howard Stringer, Rob Wiesenthal, Michael Lynton, John Malone, Greg Maffei, Haim Saban, David Zaslav, John Hendricks, Mike White, Edgar Bronfman, Len Blavatnik, Tim Armstrong, Peter Chernin, Tom Freston, Carol Bartz, Jerry Yang, Mark Pincus, Owen Van Natta, Brian Roberts, Jason Kilar, Wayne Willich, Reid Hoffman, Harvey Weinstein, Diane Von Furstenberg, Andrew Mason, Jason Kilar, Ben Horowitz, Gina Bianchini, Mark Pincus, Ali Pincus, Robert Wiesenthal, Tom Freston, Bing Gordon, Bill Gates, Chris Christie, Martin Sorrell, Eric Lefkofsky, Oprah Winfrey

Last night, I had dinner with Cyrus Weinstein – President of the Manka Bros. Publishing Group.

He informed me that his group is in ‘super-duper danger’ (as opposed to the ‘super danger’ he told me about last year) with books and magazine sales way down year-over-year (a ‘reverse hockey stick’, I believe he said).

“If you aren’t on a plane, train or toilet, you aren’t reading a book, ” he said. “And it’s not just because of the recession – the full scale shift in how people consume media is nearly complete. And because of lower pricing and customer confusion, things really suck right now.”

Apparently, the increase in digital downloads and advertising from online publishing sites (including our own Mankazines and Manka Books websites) are not making up the difference. The only apparent bright spot was our MC Comics division which we continue to mine for feature film franchises (most of which fail at the box office… but I digress).

As we proceeded to eat our $200 steaks at Cut in Beverly Hills (which I certainly hope Cyrus will not attempt to put through on his fucking expense report!), I asked him what he thought, if anything, could turn things around.

He told me one word… “niche.”

He has developed a ‘long tail’ niche publishing strategy that will focus completely on his target audience – PEOPLE WHO BUY BOOKS (i.e., old people, gay people, lonely widows, etc.).

He punctuated his thought by telling me that Manka Iambic (our Poetry Publishing imprint – who knew?) had just signed gay Moroccan poet Ahmet Ghary Cool to a two book deal worth over $1 million dollars.

His first book for us will be called Awake In My Dreams and will come in a month or so.

“How many poetry books by this guy do you expect to sell?”, I asked.

As Cyrus drank from his glass of 1982 Mouton-Rothchild, he said… “Two to three thousand in the first year and then a few hundred every year after that – mostly to gay Moroccan college students. It’s not about sales. It’s about prestige.”

After a long pause and a couple of shots of Slivovitz, I asked him what else was on the drawing board.

“We have a terrific new cook book coming out called Great Recipes By Unknown Chefs and a user-generated travel book called Best Of The Internet Travel Blogs.”

For some reason, I thought I was on some sort of Gotcha/Punk’d television show where the host would come out and Cyrus would say it was all a joke.

But it wasn’t a joke.

This is the future of our Publishing Group and it seriously scares the shit out of me.

Cyrus Weinstein has been a trailblazing executive in the publishing world for over 40 years but I think his dinosaur bones are starting to show and it may be time to bury him so that future generations can dig him up and say “Oh, so this is what a publishing executive looked like.”

But… he has earned my respect over the years and he deserves the shot to make his new strategy work.

God help us all.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

September 28, 2011October 13, 2011

Hollywood Is Out Of Visionaries

Allen & Company retreat, Ari Emanuel, Barry Diller, Ben Silverman, Bob Iger, Carol Bartz, DumbDumb, Electus, Eric Schmidt, Gina Bianchini, Herb Allen, Herb Allen Sun Valley Conference, Herbert Allen, Jeff Bewkes, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jeffrey Immelt, Jerry Yang, Khan Manka, Lady Gaga, Leslie Moonves, Lloyd Grohl, Manka Bros., Marissa Mayer, Mark Pincus, Mark Zuckerberg, Peter Chernin, Phillippe Dauman, Reid Hoffman, Richard Parsons, Ricky Van Veen, Rupert Murdoch, Sergey Brin, Sheryl Sandberg, Steve Jobs, Sun Valley Retreat, Sun Valley Retreat 2010, Terry Semel, World's Largest Media Company, Chase Carey, James Murdoch, Elisabeth Murdoch, Lachlan Murdoch, Jim Gianopulos, Joel Klein, Jon Miller, Steve Burke, Michael Angelakis, Leslie Moonves, Philippe Dauman, Jeff Bewkes, John Martin, Howard Stringer, Rob Wiesenthal, Michael Lynton, John Malone, Greg Maffei, Haim Saban, David Zaslav, John Hendricks, Mike White, Edgar Bronfman, Len Blavatnik, Tim Armstrong, Peter Chernin, Tom Freston, Carol Bartz, Jerry Yang, Mark Pincus, Owen Van Natta, Brian Roberts, Jason Kilar, Wayne Willich, Reid Hoffman, Harvey Weinstein, Diane Von Furstenberg, Andrew Mason, Jason Kilar, Ben Horowitz, Gina Bianchini, Mark Pincus, Ali Pincus, Robert Wiesenthal, Tom Freston, Bing Gordon, Bill Gates, Chris Christie, Martin Sorrell, Eric Lefkofsky, Oprah Winfrey

UPDATE: And now we can add Bob Iger to the list below. The coward couldn’t stick it out like a real mogul would. Real moguls don’t retire.

——–

This morning, about 11:00, I had an epiphany.

I was trying to think of someone in this fucking town that I wanted to have lunch with today.

I couldn’t think of anyone.

Everyone is so freakin’ boring these days that I ended up telling my driver, Leif Garrett, to go pick up my daughter, Connie, at school and bring her to the studio so I could have lunch with her.

I was stunned that I would rather hear about her morning learning about the Civil War (or some shit) than I would meeting with some other studio mogul to find out what they are up to.

Because I already know the answer – they are up to nothing. They are up to bullshit.

I have never been so bored with my industry as I am right now. Hollywood is in full blown reactive mode.

We are spending our days and nights trying to figure out how to put our beautiful, expensive, well-produced content on a 3 inch screen.

We are working so hard for the tech geeks who are innovating and inventing these new devices and services that this very same beautiful, expensive, well-produced content is on a collision course with a mountain of shit.

Hollywood was built on innovation and there is nothing happening on that front.

Some would argue – “Hell, yeah, we’re innovating, we’re transitioning to digital! It’s an inflection point, bitch!”

Fuck that.

All those ideas, all that technology, all that innovation is coming from somewhere else.

Twenty-five year old dorks with nothing to lose are making us old moguls obsolete. And worse? They are dictating the terms. (30% to show my stupid movie on your stupid Facebook?!)

Nothing new is coming out of Hollywood. We are creatively bankrupt.

Yes, content is king. And we make the content the world wants to see. But it’s the same goddamned content over and over – and that seems to be okay with everyone in this town.

Manka Bros. has the worst Fall TV line-up on MBS I have ever seen. And no one seems to care – certainly not Jay McBee – who does nothing with his time but train for Triathlons (that he loses).

I mean, as long as the bonus checks keep clearing, why the fuck wouldn’t we just keep things at the status quo? Right?

All my friends, visionaries at one point in their lives, are passing their remaining days doing bullshit. It’s depressing.

Barry Diller started a broadcast network out of scotch tape and bubble gum wrappers (Fox) and today he owns a dating service and has to listen to the stupid “ground breaking” ideas of Ben Silverman.

Michael Eisner revitalized and rebuilt one of the great studios of all time and now he’s producing little videos for the internet and going duck hunting. Does anyone really know what the hell he is trying to do?

Jeffrey Katzenberg kicked some ass at Disney and created an environment that enabled a dead genre (animated features) to become popular again. Today, he is most likely preparing Monsters, Inc. 2 and reading a draft of the Kung Fu Panda 3 screenplay. Just sell your studio already, Jeffrey, it’s never going to be the empire you imagined at one time – when you still had dreams.

And then there are these guys – my great friends – the ones that truly built something from nothing:

Rupert Murdoch – who built a global media empire from a tiny grade school newspaper (or something) – and now he’s just sitting around his office in the dark listening to Pippa Middleton’s phone messages.

Sumner Redstone – Well, I think he was more lucky than good and didn’t really do much in his life except yell at people and try to pick up hot chicks. (OK, I’m sure he did something significant somewhere along the line, but he’s still staying at my house on-and-off these days, so I’m pissed at him right now. This guy doesn’t flush the toilet. It’s horrifying. And those Charlie’s Angels posters from the 1970s are just embarrassing.)

And Ted Turner, one of the craziest risk takers and innovators the media world has ever seen – all that great shit he built from nothing – is now making buffalo burgers.

Sure, these guys, as I myself, are getting old and there really isn’t much more we can accomplish because death will most likely put an end to any future plans we have.

And, really, the energy level just isn’t there. I mean, the Mogulympics at Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Retreat this year was just pathetic.

The biggest problem I have at my studio is – there isn’t a new generation of innovators in Hollywood to take the old trailblazers’ place. They’re all going to Silicon Valley – and why not? There sure as shit isn’t anything going on here.

My father wouldn’t consider himself a visionary by any means (and, frankly, no one else would either). He was a total prick whose main accomplishments in life were stealing other people’s ideas and having heart attacks. But he and his brothers (THE Manka Bros.) were Thomas Edisons compared to today’s Hollywood.

All we have today is a generation of cost-cutters and an army of people minding the bottom line.

Innovation has left town and it’s not coming back.

We’re Hollywood, goddamnit, we’re important – how the fuck did we let that happen?

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

September 16, 2011September 16, 2011

Camel Turkish Gold – Breathe In The Turkish

Andrew D. Gilchrist, Ari Emanuel, Ayn Rand, Ben Silverman, blog advertising, Camel Turkish Gold, Chairman's Blog, cigarette advertising, Daniel J. Herko, Daniel M. Delan, Forensics, High School Forensics, Jay McBee, Jeff Weiner, Khan Manka, Lisa J. Caldwell, Manka Bros., MBS, Nikki Finke, R.J. Reynolds, Robert H. Dunham, Sharon Waxman, Terry Semel, thewrap.com, Walton T. Carpenter, world's largest media company

Good afternoon.

As the writer of a wildly popular blog (I only started it to better communicate with my employees at Manka Bros.) and the fact that I am a major figure in the media world, I receive quite a few offers to endorse products.

Most of them shit products like Coke or BMW.

Frankly, there is nothing I would rather do less than endorse someone else’s stupid product. It offends me that anyone thinks they can buy my services for any price.

If you want to hire a whore, call Jay McBee (President of the Manka Bros. Television Group) or Michael Eisner or Ben Silverman (!!).

So when the good people of Camel called my office to see if I wanted to push their Turkish Gold cigarettes on my blog, I was completely offended and told them to get the fuck off my phone!

Who the hell do they think they are? I’m Khan Fucking Manka!

I don’t push YOUR products – you push MINE!

Assholes!

I don’t need to be paid a boatload of money by some greedy corporation to express my love for Camel Turkish Gold cigarettes.

Seriously, each drag of a Camel Turkish Gold cigarette is super smooth – silky almost. Like an autumn breeze in Instanbul.

It’s the only cigarette I would ever smoke.

Camel Turkish Gold – “Breathe In The Turkish!”

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

P.S. Camel Turkish Gold is the sole sponsor of Forensics on MBS.

September 8, 2011September 8, 2011

Manka Bros. Would Like To Offer Carol Bartz A Job

Allen & Company retreat, Anne Mulcahy, Ari Emanuel, Barry Diller, Ben Silverman, Bob Iger, Bobby Kotick, Carol Bartz, Charlie Rose, Cory Booker, DumbDumb, Electus, Eric Schmidt, Erin Burnett, Gina Bianchini, Harvey Weinstein, Herb Allen, Herb Allen Sun Valley Conference, Herbert Allen, Jean-Bernard Levy, Jeff Bewkes, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jeffrey Immelt, Jerry Yang, John Donahue, Ken Auletta, Khan Manka, Lachlan Murdoch, Lady Gaga, Leslie Moonves, Lionel Barber, Lloyd Grohl, Manka Bros., Marc Andreessen, Marissa Mayer, Mark Pincus, Mark Zuckerberg, Martin Sorrell, Mathias Dopfner, Mike Bloomberg, Niall FitzGerald, Peter Chernin, Phillippe Dauman, Reid Hoffman, Richard Parsons, Ricky Van Veen, Rob Wiesenthal, Robert L. Johnson, Ron Meyer, Rupert Murdoch, Sergey Brin, Sheryl Sandberg, Steve Jobs, Sun Valley Retreat, Sun Valley Retreat 2010, Terry Semel, Tom Freston, Tom Friedman, Ursula Burns, Vivi Nevo, Warren Buffett, World's Largest Media Company, Rupert Murdoch, Jose Maria Aznar, natalie Bancroft, Peter Barnes, Chase Carey, Kenneth Cowley, David DeVoe, Viet Dinh, Rod Eddington, Joel Klein, Andrew S.B. Knight, James Murdoch, Lachlan Murdoch, Thomas Perkins, Arthur Siskind, John Thornton, Stanley Shuman, Rebekah Brooks, Les Hinton, Teri Everett, jack Horner, Julie Henderson, Reed Nolte, Roger Ailes, Janet Nova, John Nallen, Beryl Cook, Michael Regan, Genie Gavenchak, Brian Lewis, Irena Briganti, Dan Berger, Rosabel Tao, Steven Rubenstein, Suzanne Halpin, Elisabeth Murdoch, Carol Bartz, Roy Bostock, Patti Hart, Sue James, Vyomesh Joshi, David Kenny, Arthur Kern, Brad Smith, Gary Wilson, Jerry Yang, Blake Irving, Ross Levinsohn, Rose Tsou, Rich Riley, Tim Morse, Michael J. Callahan, David Dibble, David Filo, Dr. Prabhakar Roghavan, Jeff Russakow, Elisa Steele, David Windley

Good afternoon.

I am back from my house in the Seychelles and ready to go. I trust everyone had a good July and August (with the exception of my great friend Rupert Murdoch) and I pray Manka Bros. can finish strong to help save this cesspool of a year.

(If anyone asks me about my summer or how things are going with Leann Womack, you will be fired.)

On my return to the office (by the way, would it have killed anyone to fucking dust my goddamned desk?), I noticed that the idiots on the Yahoo! Board of Directors (yes, I’m talking to you Vyomesh Joshi!) fired CEO Carol Bartz.

Are they out of their fucking minds?

Before Ms. Bartz came along, Yahoo! was nothing but a second-rate search engine with a decent news and finance area. And now look at them!

Fucking idiots.

I could tell things were bad at Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Retreat this year. She wasn’t pounding whiskey sours the way I know she can. She must have known something was coming.

Well, Ms. Bartz, if I may write at you directly, today is your lucky day.

Manka Bros. – the World’s Largest Media Company – would like to hire you. And you can pretty much pick which area of the studio you would like to run.

Since everyone seems to suck at their jobs lately, I would be more than happy to fire the person you would like to replace.

It would be really sweet to get rid of Jay McBee – but you may not have much of an interest in television.

We offer a competitive salary and benefits package (comparable to all of the other division heads at Manka Bros. – with the exception of COO Lloyd Grohl who, I think, even earns more than I do).

If you accept, be sure and bring that foul mouth with you.

I would love to see you go off on someone who might accidentally park in your parking spot. That would make my day!

So, think about it. Burbank is really nice this time of year.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

P.S. – If things don’t work out and our Board of Directors has to fire you, I can assure you it will be in person and not via text or phone message. The Board gets off on seeing the face of the person being fired.

July 7, 2011July 7, 2011

Khan Manka, Jr. Speech – Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference 2011 – Day 3

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2011

Day 1 — Day 2 — Day 2.5 – Day 3

[The following is a transcript of the speech Khan Manka, Jr. gave at Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference today. It has been transcribed from an audio recording made by Mr. Manka. Herb Allen is heard first introducing Mr. Manka – followed by applause and a few audible ‘boos’. This transcription has not been edited or reviewed by Mr. Manka.]

Herb Allen: OK – OK. Can I have the mic up, please? It is? Can I have it louder, please? There we go. There we go. Can I get your attention please, everyone? Terry Semel? Come on, I’m trying to… OK… thank you. Thanks to all of you for moving over here to the Opera House on such short notice. I can’t believe our room was double-booked. I just hope the Morgan Family Reunion finishes earlier than planned so we can move back.

[… incoherent rumblings and chatter – finally it gets quiet…]

Herb Allen: I’ve got a real treat here this afternoon. Over the past couple of years, he’s been quite the Sun Valley Squire – thanks for all the revealing blogs you put out there, Khan. Privacy obviously isn’t one of your concerns! But thanks for the tip on the “Saban” spray tan – I”ll try to get one of those before I leave here.

[Laughs throughout the room.]

Herb Allen: You don’t need me to tell you about Khan Manka, Jr. You hear all you would ever want to hear about it him every night at the bar – except that Singapore midget thing – thanks not right – just horrible, Khan. But anyway, here he is… one of the great moguls right here in our midst – Khan Manka, Jr.

[Applause – some ‘boos’.]

Khan Manka, Jr.: Thanks, Donner. That’s a ‘Mogulympics’ reference from yesterday’s blog. ‘Blog’ makes me sound like I’m a hip new media guy–

Mark Zuckerberg’s voice: No, it doesn’t. Maybe in 1996!

[Laughs…]

Khan Manka, Jr.: What? Is that Zuckerberg? You just got here and it’s already with the cheap shots, huh? You’re just worried about Manka’s new Facebook killer we have coming out – Caligula.

Mark Zuckerberg: No… I’m not… at all. I’ve seen it. It sucks. Non-awesome.

[Big laugh from the room.]

Khan Manka, Jr.: OK, OK – you know what? I’m just gonna punt on my prepared remarks because every time I do one of these speeches it ends in fucking chaos. People ‘booing’, fighting… it’s just crazy. If you want to read my speech to CES titled “The Future Is Last Year”, go to the website. I’m gonna wing it, Herb, just finish your wine. I have a few things to say. Look… all I do is speak the truth. And the truth is this: The Hollywood mogul is dead, killed by the geeks.

[Chuckles from a few… one loud “BULLSHIT!”]

Khan Manka, Jr.: No, I’m sorry, Bob – Bob Iger everybody – it’s true. I look around this room – half are not even looking at me, buried in their phones, the other half are looking me but are thinking an afternoon nap sounds really good. Us old media guys don’t stand a chance.

[Silence. A sniffle. A cough.]

Khan Manka, Jr.: This is not just a generational thing. This is a real problem. Technological innovations have been coming at us so fast and furious (right, Ron Meyer?) that the older moguls can’t keep up with the changes AND play golf at the same time. And most of us don’t even want to try. Seriously, I don’t need a goddamned phone every fucking month! And I certainly don’t want to keep digitizing my film library into a new format every couple of months for your stupid new phones!

[A few claps… someone is babbling something incoherently.]

Khan Manka, Jr.: The old moguls, and I suppose you can count me that group, just want to produce really great content, put it in a movie theater or on a television, get reports on the ratings or the box office – and it do all again next week. That’s it. We don’t want that to end. You ‘new media’ types have no respect for that culture. No respect for the work we’ve done. You think it’s easy what we do. ‘Comedy is easy – creating an App, that’s hard.’ I say ‘Go F yourselves.’

[A few claps… more ‘boos’, a few shouts and one “Fuck you, too.”]

Khan Manka, Jr.: Why the hell would Reid Hoffman be considered a mogul? He runs a little chat room for people trying to get work.

[… lots of ‘boos’, shouts and ‘fuck yous’…]

Khan Manka, Jr.: Come on, seriously? A mogul produces movies and TV shows, owns networks and has long lunches at really nice restaurants with other moguls. You new people eat at your desks or the company cafeteria. You don’t produce anything. You have data servers in the Mojave Desert. How the hell that does make you a mogul? How is the Groupon guy a mogul? Freakin’ coupons for laser hair removal? HE’S a mogul?

[… the room is in chaos with shouts, ‘boos’, audible punching sounds…]

Herb Allen is heard on another mic. Mr. Manka continues in the background.

Khan Manka, Jr.: WHO THE HELL THREW THAT?!!

Herb Allen: Hold it! Please do NOT throw your cellphones at Mr. Manka! Thank you.

[Total chaos.]

Herb Allen: Khan, listen… LISTEN!!! When I started this conference twenty some years ago, I never intended it to be a “mogul fest” – I was just trying to gather successful, interesting people who run successful, interesting companies. The entertainment people tend to get the most press and so it became known – by the press, which most of the people in this room own and run – as a ‘Mogul Fest’. It wasn’t my intention.

Khan Manka, Jr.: Well… as long as we’re clear that Mark Zuckerberg is not a mogul.

Mark Zuckerberg: Hey, we distribute your shitty movies on Facebook. Nobody buys them, but they are available.

Khan Manka, Jr.: Fine. Fair enough. You’re a mogul. Any questions? If you new media people want to get hammered tonight, I’m buying at the bar.

[Applause… shouts of approval… audio ends.]

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

July 7, 2011July 7, 2011

Sun Valley Shore – Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference 2011 – Day 2.5

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference 2011

Day 1 — Day 2 — Day 2.5 – Day 3

————————————–

It’s no secret that most moguls love to be tanned and almost all have new, whiter, straighter teeth put in over their old, yellow, crooked teeth.

Who wouldn’t want that, right?

It’s also no secret that the only reason moguls do all that is to look good to 25-year-old girls.

What we moguls don’t seem to understand is, we’re all incredibly wealthy and powerful and many 25-year-old girls (and boys) will find us attractive even if we didn’t have a spray tan or new teeth. (Duh!)

I would wager $1,000,000 that the combined age of all of the moguls teeth at this conference doesn’t even equal the age of one Sumner Redstone.

For the record, most moguls get the “Saban” tan – which is a really dark, unrealistic orange kind of hue.

I prefer the “Strauss Zelnick” which really brings out the whiteness of the teeth. The “Avi Nevo” isn’t bad either but the fragrance is way too strong.

But no matter how much we whiten our teeth and darken our skin and de-gray our hair, it’s still hard for most of us to get out of bed. And it’s really hard to run a 100-meter dash or jump over a high bar (suck-ass Mogulympics).

Just because my face is as tight and smooth as a teenager’s face doesn’t mean I have the energy of a teenager.

And why the fuck would I want the energy of a teenager? I’m a goddamned billionaire in Sun Valley living the dream.

It makes me feel good when I see a mogul (oh, let’s say, Barry Diller) who really could care less how he looks. He’s got power and doesn’t need all those tricks. He’ll take that giant T-shirt and shorts look to the grave! That’s why I admire Barry so much.

The new slobby tech moguls are less comforting to me – they’re just creepy and disturbing.

I was asked to present an updated version of the keynote speech I gave earlier this year to the CES convention in Las Vegas – so I don’t have time to get into too many details about last night’s very elaborate dinner (or the unbelievable concert by Tony Orlando & Dawn… not the old ‘Dawn’, a much younger and hotter ‘Dawn’).

Most of the conversation last night consisted of anything BUT the Rupert Murdoch hacking scandal.

I was at Rupert’s table and all he talked about was how many tomatoes he’s going to get from his garden this year.

Later this afternoon, before cocktails (or during – we’ll see), I will give my assistant a more detailed account of what is going on and she will have the online geeks write it up and add pictures, etc.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

July 6, 2011July 5, 2012

Mogulympics – Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – Day 2

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference

Day 1 — Day 2 – Day 2.5 – Day 3

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The sight of Harvey Weinstein in tight gym shorts is an image that I won’t soon forget.

But let me back up.

I am dictating this in a secret business center somewhere beneath the Sun Valley Lodge after experiencing one of the most horrific and demoralizing mornings of my life.

At 4:30 am, I was blasted awake by “The Call of the Moguls” fanfare (written by Michael Eisner years ago when he still had power). As I had only gone to bed a couple of hours before (because I was pounding drinks well into the wee hours with my new drinking buddy Chase Carey), this was a most unwelcome sound.

In the room next to me, I could hear Eric Schmidt screaming out the window “Shut the fuck up!”

An envelope slid under my door. I opened it and recognized Herb’s handwriting:

“Please report to Herb Allen Field immediately! Wear your gym clothes and sneakers. – Herb A.”

So I did as I was told and dragged myself down to a converted grassy area that has been rebranded “Herb Allen Field” for the length of the conference.

I immediately saw Jeffrey Katzenberg and LinkedIn’s Jeff Weiner hopping up and down, stretching. A few others were mingling about but I couldn’t make out their faces in the dark.

That’s when I saw Harvey Weinstein in his too small gym shorts and too small t-shirt smoking a cigarette. Don’t get me wrong, I like Harvey quite a bit, but man…

For the next few moments, I just sort of stood there in the pre-dawn staring at the ground. This was an epic hangover. What I needed was sleep and a large a quantity of bacon. In that order. Not this bullshit.

After another anthem – “The Dawn of the Mogul” – finished playing, a loud coaches whistle pierced all of our brains. There were various grunts and swears from the assembled moguls.

Herb Allen appeared, fresh and full of energy. He reminded me, with his baseball cap and coaches whistle, of Donner – the reindeer coach from “Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer”… Sorry, that’s the most current reference I can think of. If you saw him, you would say the same thing.

Herb Allen: OK, gentlemen, you made it through the night–

Rupert Murdoch: Where are the women?

Herb Allen: I don’t know, Rupert, why don’t you hack into their emails to find out?

Rupert Murdoch: You shall be murdered, you son of a fucking–

Herb Allen: Calm down. I’m joking, Rupert. The women are having spa treatments. I gave them an option – because they aren’t flabby and undisciplined. You assholes don’t get an option.

Khan Manka, Jr.: Fuck that shit.

Herb Allen approached me like a crazy drill sergeant.

Herb Allen: What was that, Manka?

Khan Manka: I said, ‘Fuck that shit, Herb.’ I speak for my fellow moguls when I say we are all too hungover for this crap. I choose spa treatments, too!

At that moment, Sheryl Sandberg ran up and fell into the line of moguls.

Sheryl Sandberg: Sorry, I’m late. I had a 5:00 a.m. conference call with China. I’m ready.

Les Moonves: Oooh… We do business with China, too, Facebook lady. Big deal.

Tim Armstrong: (to Sheryl, pointing to his ear) – I’m on a call right now but I was on time.

Sheryl Sandberg: Hi, Tim, I wanted to ask you about Patch. How’s that going?

Tim Armstrong: Oh, no, you didn’t!

Herb Allen blows his whistle and screamed for everyone to calm down. He then explained why we were all there. He has started a ridiculous new annual tradition called “Mogulympics”…

Herb Allen: (he continued) … this competition is designed to encourage physical fitness among our most elite moguls. Because a flabby mogul is less likely to adapt to change. Flabby moguls tend to be more lazy and set in their ways. Flabby moguls are not the future leaders of media.

Harvey Weinstein: (smoking) – Suck it, Herb.

Herb Allen: How the hell did you wrangle an invite this year, Weinstein? You’re not even a mogul anymore.

Harvey Weinstein: “King’s Speech” – Academy Award. Scoreboard, bitch.

Things sort of degenerated from there. More fighting, more snippy little remarks about old media from the new media and tech people…

Finally, Herb got everyone onto the field and the first Mogulympics began.

I won’t do a blow-by-blow account of all the competitions as I am due to serve on a panel with Bob Iger and Steve Burke on how best to preserve our core businesses while growing new businesses.

(Here’s what I say: “MAKE GOOD CONTENT THAT PEOPLE WANT TO BUY!” – end of panel discussion. Let’s go drink.)

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HERE ARE THE HIGHLIGHTS (there were only four events – more to be added each year):

High Jump: Winner – Jeffrey Katzenberg – final height – 4′ 3″. Jon Miller should have won but he kept trying to extend into the Chinese splits while going over the bar.

Long Jump: Winner – Jason Kilar – final distance – 8′ 2″ (but it’s possible his medal will be acquired by another mogul – ha!). This event was Rupert’s best chance to get a medal but he kept fouling. He seemed distracted.

400 Meters: Winner – Sheryl Sandberg (untimed). Bob Iger was in position to win it until someone in the pack made a crack to Sheryl about ‘the glass ceiling’ and she took off like a gazelle, crushing the field. I walked the final 350 meters with Harvey. He tried to convince me that he wasn’t overweight no matter how much he smokes, drinks and eats every day .

100 Meters: Winner – Sheryl Sandberg (untimed). You know, moguls just can’t run – and probably shouldn’t try. And by this point in the competition most of us had stopped participating and were on our phones. Sheryl beat Mark Pincus (though he forgot his tennis shoes and was only wearing flip-flops), Jeff Weiner and Andrew Mason of Groupon.

Sheryl Sandberg was named Herb Allen’s Top Mogul Athlete of the Conference and received a trophy similar to the picture above. For her victory she will receive an automatic invite to next year’s conference to defend her title.

When it was all over and we had thoroughly embarrassed ourselves in front of each other, I quickly retreated to the Great Hall of the Moguls dining room and ate a pound of bacon.

The women who chose the spa treatment option (Oprah, Diane Von Furstenberg, etc.) were lounging in bath robes, drinking coffee, having a leisurely breakfast. The sort of thing moguls should be doing.

That was my morning. I can’t wait to see what the rest of the day will bring.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

July 5, 2011July 8, 2011

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – Day 1

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference 2011

Day 1 — Day 2 – Day 2.5 – Day 3

DAY 1 – TUESDAY AFTERNOON UPDATE:

My plane landed safely at Friedman Airport. I was picked up on the tarmac by a self-driving Google car. This scared the shit out of me, especially when I sat in the back and was greeted with a video of Sergey Brin asking me “Where do you want to go today, Khan?” I told the Sergey screen to take me immediately to The Drankin’ Hole at the Sun Valley Lodge. The Google car performed pretty well in mid-day traffic (Idaho traffic) – though the small talk conversation with the Sergey video screen was a little forced.

I am now safely at The Drankin Hole and have ordered two dirty martinis from my favorite bartender in the world – Bin Tran. Philippe Dauman is at the other end of the bar talking to himself. I don’t want to interrupt.

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DAY 1 – TUESDAY MORNING

Good morning.

OK, so I decided (after a couple of long, late night conversations with Sumner Redstone) that I would attend Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference again this year.

After last year’s conference (an absolute drunken freak fest), I vowed never to attend again. On top of that, I’m still recovering from my horrifying keynote address to the Bilderberg Conference last month in Switzerland.

But then I received Herb’s child-like invitation a few weeks ago (see left) – and it was so charming, like a 3-year-old’s birthday party invitation – that I started to change my mind.

Believe me, a child-like mentality is what is necessary for a conference like this. It’s all bullshit, you know, and if you don’t come in with an absolute open mind, what’s the point of any of it, right?

Sumner will not be attending and that makes me a little sad but, deep down, that’s fine because I’m fairly young (in mogul years) and don’t want to be linked with that dinosaur forever. I mean, Rupert is bad enough – put Rupert and Sumner together and it’s time to break out the knitting shawls and crank up the heat.

The other night Sumner was talking about how great Cinemascope was and I just had to get off the phone. Dig up Carl Laemmle or my dad if you want to talk about that shit, old man. Leave me out of it. I’m into digital now, loser.

But I digress…

So, yes, I am heading up to Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference and will be posting updates as much as I possibly can – depending on my state of inebriation.

I feel it is my duty as Chairman & CEO of the World’s Largest Media Company to attend this very important conference (at least in Herb’s mind) for the sake of my stockholders and board of directors.

I’ve been told to bring comfortable clothes, really good workout shoes and as many Dramamine as I can fit in my bag. I’m not sure what that last order meant – but I’ll abide it all the same – Herb is God up there and you don’t want to fuck with God.

So, another Sun Valley fest is upon us. May Herb have mercy on us all.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company