Herb Allen Sun Valley Conference

July 6, 2022July 6, 2022

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2022 – Day 2 – Shit Storm

This is Day 2 of what the press now regularly call “Herb Allen’s Summer Camp For Moguls.”

I’ve been thinking all day about the term “Shit Storm” (mostly because the all day panels about supply chain and how to lead in a crisis have been… shit.)

We say that term a lot in society but I’ve never really thought about it… literally.

Imagine you’re in a thunder storm – raining, thunder, lightning – but instead of rain… it’s SHIT that’s coming down on you from the sky and it just keeps coming. You are being pounded with shit.

This is what a SHIT STORM is.

And, I imagine, it’s not a pleasant experience.

That’s kind of where we are on Day 2 in Sun Valley.

This week in July on the mogul calendar is meant to be a week where we feel we are all so fucking important that we actually feel good about ourselves and what we have chosen to do with our lives.

The truth is, in Hollywood (as I mentioned in my drunken Day 1 commentary), the moguls in Hollywood are getting older and the moguls in tech seem to be getting younger (sounds like a Matthew McConaughey line from ‘Dazed & Confused’).

This is a problem.

And, as I mentioned last night, the young executives at Manka Bros. keep leaving for “better jobs” at “better companies.”

Fuck them.

I have to stay to keep the lights on. We’ve been in business for over 100 years and we sure the fuck aren’t shutting down just because… [Manka Bros. lawyer note: “Rest of sentence has been purged from the blog.”]

My daughter, Connie (but on the Board of Directors), is only 14 and probably too young to take over the family firm and my CFO (currently my #2) Barb Gonzalez is a machine in which we use A.I. technology to do her job.

Hollywood is in trouble.

And to top it off, we can’t even make this a decent vacation – free from the worries of the shit storm outside of the shit storm. This was the breakfast this morning – which they called the “Warren Buffett.”

Herb Allen Sun Valley Conference – 2022 – Day 2 – The Warren Buffett

After breakfast, a few moguls ran, a few moguls road bikes, a few moguls played golf, many were walking fast past reporters acting like they were on the phone.

Oh, think twice, it’s just another day for you and me in mogul-dice.

What was lacking… was substance. And if you look at the Manka Bros. Film Library from the past 100 years – you would know Manka Bros. has always been about about substance.

The biggest problem with this conference I’ve seen over the years is that the Hollywood people hang out with Hollywood people, the nerds hang out with nerds, the dorks hang out with dorks. There doesn’t seem to be a brotherhood or sisterhood of billionaires. We’re all in different clubs.

Which brings me back to Trivia Night on Day 1. I teased that if nothing exciting happened on Day 2 – I would write about Day 1 trivia at Tha Drankin’ Hole.

Herb Allen’s Trivia Night – Sun Valley Conference 2022

It did not disappoint (on a shit storm scale):

Barry Diller thought the capital of Arkansas was “Bum Fuck.”

Mark Zuckerberg thought a quart of orange juice cost $50.

Rupert Murdoch thought the current Australian prime minister’s name was “my bitch.”

Jeffrey Katzenberg opined that the battle for freedom in America starts with the Malibu City Council.

On the plus side, almost everyone knew the latest Gulfstream was the Gulfstream 800.

But it all came down to one question and Peter Thiel could have won the whole thing for the “Tech” side when asked the question: “Who won the 2020 U.S. Presidential Election?” Thiel – without pause – said “Donald Trump.”

With that answer, Tech lost to “liberal” Hollywood.

Who knows what Day 3 will bring – but I promise you this, it will be another SHIT STORM.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2022 – Day 1 – The New Guard… Not!

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2021

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2019

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2018

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2017

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2016

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2015

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2014

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2013

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2012

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2011

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2010

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2009

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2008

January 5, 2016January 5, 2016

Why Is Everyone So F-ing Proud To Have “Cut The Cord”?

Allen & Company retreat, Ari Emanuel, Barry Diller, Ben Silverman, Bob Iger, Carol Bartz, DumbDumb, Electus, Eric Schmidt, Gina Bianchini, Herb Allen, Herb Allen Sun Valley Conference, Herbert Allen, Jeff Bewkes, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jeffrey Immelt, Jerry Yang, Khan Manka, Lady Gaga, Leslie Moonves, Lloyd Grohl, Manka Bros., Marissa Mayer, Mark Pincus, Mark Zuckerberg, Peter Chernin, Phillippe Dauman, Reid Hoffman, Richard Parsons, Ricky Van Veen, Rupert Murdoch, Sergey Brin, Sheryl Sandberg, Steve Jobs, Sun Valley Retreat, Sun Valley Retreat 2010, Terry Semel, World's Largest Media Company, Chase Carey, James Murdoch, Elisabeth Murdoch, Lachlan Murdoch, Jim Gianopulos, Joel Klein, Jon Miller, Steve Burke, Michael Angelakis, Leslie Moonves, Philippe Dauman, Jeff Bewkes, John Martin, Howard Stringer, Rob Wiesenthal, Michael Lynton, John Malone, Greg Maffei, Haim Saban, David Zaslav, John Hendricks, Mike White, Edgar Bronfman, Len Blavatnik, Tim Armstrong, Peter Chernin, Tom Freston, Carol Bartz, Jerry Yang, Mark Pincus, Owen Van Natta, Brian Roberts, Jason Kilar, Wayne Willich, Reid Hoffman, Harvey Weinstein, Diane Von Furstenberg, Andrew Mason, Jason Kilar, Ben Horowitz, Gina Bianchini, Mark Pincus, Ali Pincus, Robert Wiesenthal, Tom Freston, Bing Gordon, Bill Gates, Chris Christie, Martin Sorrell, Eric Lefkofsky, Oprah Winfrey, Jeff Bezos, Tim Cook, Cory Booker, Michael Bloomberg, Joel Klein, Lachlan Murdoch, James Murdoch, Bobby Kotick, Marc Andreessen, Peter Thiel, Dick Costolo, Ross Levinsoh, Paul Sagan, Leslie Moonves, Tim Armstrong, Glenn Britt, Donald Graham, Kazuo Hirai, Howard Stringer, Jae-Yong Lee, Bryan Lourd, Ron Meyer, Brad Grey, Edmund Lee, Anthony Palazzo, John Malone, Chris Silbermann, Jim Berkus, Roger Goodell, David Stern, Chris Christie, Julius Genachowski, Erin Burnett, Charlie Rose, Becky Quick, Todd Davidson, Reed Hastings, Terry Semel, Jerry Yang, Ken Allen, Laurene Powell Jobs, Jean-Bernard Levy, Lucian Grainge, Jonathan Boyar, Mark Pincus, Michael Lynton, Mandy Tavakol, Mario Monti, Dave DeVoe, John Martin, Brian Roberts, David Zaslav, Mel Karmazin, Carol Bartz, Scott Thompson, Jason Kilar, King Abdullah II, Queen Rania, Queen Noor, #sv12, #Sunvalley2012, #allenco, Robert Johnson, Anne Sweeney, Brian Grazer, Michael Ovitz, Hiroshi Mikitani, Owen Van Natta, Don Mattrick

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU IDIOTS?!!

I talked to so many people over the Holidays in Gstaad – all telling me they “no longer have television. We finally cut the cord!” And they all seem so f-ing happy and proud of themselves.

Why is everyone so happy to see the television business fall apart!!?

Do you nutjobs realize what this means for me and my company?

We have thousands of employees (granted, most suck at their jobs or we wouldn’t be in this position) who have kids and parents and dogs – and they all need to be fed.

You happy little cord cutters are destroying many lives and should be ashamed of yourself.

And, frankly, you’re doing yourselves (and your children, parents and dogs) a disservice.

Now go watch the new season of Forensics on MBS and stop causing problems.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios

March 12, 2014March 12, 2014

Profits Up – Time For Cuts

Good morning.

As many of you know, Manka Bros. had an excellent 2013 (mainly from the asbestos lawsuit payout from the state [yeah, baby!] and increased attendance at our Manka Fun Parks due to the new Animaltered Attractions in Des Moines and Halifax).

Because of our good fortune and superior senior management (with the exception of Jay McBee in the Television Group), we, unfortunately, must make some severe cuts in order to continue to grow.

Many of the overhead cuts we must make will certainly impact many lives (because you won’t be getting paid anymore and we live in a society where money is important), but those affected can take comfort in the fact that because they lost their job, Manka Bros. will continue to thrive.

I will leave it to the divisional heads to make the ultimate decision on who and how many get cut put here is a percentage breakdown of the mandatory cuts:

MANKA BROS. THEATRICAL GROUP:

Manka Bros. Films: Great looking 2014 Film Slate (great work, Robin!) should be a solid year [20% ACROSS THE BOARD CUT]

Manka Highbrow: Another solid slate for 2014. Small films can be profitable as long as we cut cut cut! [15% CUT]

Manka Dogme: No cuts – love that Barbecue movie!

Manka Docs: Moving to an acquisition only strategy [EVERYONE IN PRODUCTION CUT]

Manka Mumblecore: Launching division in 2nd Quarter [30% CUT]

MANKA BROS. TELEVISION GROUP:

MBS: Broadcast is dying, our management sucks and we need MUCH better programming – [40% CUT IN DEVELOPMENT]

Manka Business Channel: Must relaunch with a new political leaning – [100% OF LIBERALS CUTS – FISCAL CONSERVATIVES HIRED TO REPLACE]

Manka Classic Movies: Doing great – subs and subscriber fees are up. [20% CUT – but that’s only 2 people – 10 people run that whole channel!]

Manka Legends, Manka Memories, Manka Food & Drink Channel and Manka Sports Network [NO CUTS – ALL ARE RELAUNCHING]

MANKA MUSIC GROUP:

NO CUTS! The Music Industry is incredibly healthy! Thanks to Seamus and Mac McCord for excellent album launches!

MANKA PUBLISHING GROUP:

Manka Books and Mankazines: You don’t need me to tell you how fucked you are – you can either CUT yourselves or wait until somebody comes around to your cubicle but it will happen at some point (unless you work on the few blockbuster titles/authors we have remaining.

OTHER BUSINESSES:

Manka Kids and Manka Fun Parks: No cuts yet – formulating new strategy/expansion plans.

Manka Broadway: Will evaluate after the opening of “Rampage of the Stegosaur – The Musical.”

Corporate has recommended to me that no cuts be made in Corporate.

I’ll go along with that for now – but I’ll be watching!

——————–

So that’s it.

Get to work making those cuts.

After the task is complete, I’ll have some sort of barbecue or party at my house for those who are left.

Looking forward to a very bright future!

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

June 25, 2013August 27, 2015

Manka Bros. Changes Management Structure

Good afternoon.

Following a disastrous staff meeting with a roomful of idiots posing as my senior management team, I have decided to make a few changes to the organizational structure of Manka Bros.

Previously, all of the division heads – Robin Rafe (Theatrical), Jay McBee (Television), Emily Sachs (Music), Cyrus Weinstein (Publishing), Ethan Rubidioux (Consumer Products, Broadway, Sports, Fun Parks, Kids and Digital) as well as COO Lloyd Grohl and CFO David Chang – reported directly to me.

That’s all changing.

As of today, I will have NO DIRECT REPORTS. I seriously don’t want to talk to any of you if I don’t have to.

Going forward, I am going to write down certain tasks (on color coordinated index cards) that you must complete (i.e., which films, TV shows, books, music, etc. should be greenlit and what should be passed on – as well as all the other day-to-day business that may come up).

My assistant, Vicky Adler-Modry, will pin the cards to a bulletin board in the foyer outside of my office suite.

You may check the board throughout the day and if there is a task for you on it – you must complete it.

Write back the results or any issues that may come up on the card and I may or may not read it.

The matching of color and executive has yet to be determined – I am planning to meditate on that this afternoon. I’ll have the final colors posted within 30 days.

You may not get the color you are hoping – be open-minded.

I think this new structure will save me a lot of time and aggravation as I don’t wish to see any of you people that much anymore.

But that’s not all…

I have also decided to adjust the organizational structure of my household as follows:

My daughter (and Manka Bros. Board Member), Connie, will continue to report directly to me but only on nights and weekends.

During the day she will have a dual report to our housekeeper Lily and house manager Jerome.

My housekeeper Lily will continue to report to Jerome who will continue to report to me (but may not directly address me unless I address him first).

My driver Fernando will now report to Lily (and no longer to me).

My dog, Caesar, will have a dual report to Connie and Lily.

My ex-wives will continue to report to my lawyer.

That’s it for now.

I believe this new structure will help me to avoid contact with my senior management team and thus I will avoid having to hear all of the mind-numbingly dumb ideas that come out of their mouths.

Thanks.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

June 13, 2013June 13, 2013

Rupert Murdoch’s Divorce

A fellow mogul is in pain today.

Last night, I received a private TWEET from Rupert Murdoch – that after months of agonizing separation, he was filing for divorce from his wife Wendi Deng.

Even though I couldn’t hear his voice, I could tell he was crying.

I’ve known Rupert for many many years. More years that his third wife has been alive.

Yet, I always knew, even before she was born, that Wendi Deng Murdoch was the person for him.

It’s none of our business why someone else’s marriage ends.

I do know that if the marriage of Rupert Murdoch and Wendi Deng Murdoch can’t survive – there isn’t much hope for anyone else.

They were ideal for each other.

Equals in intellect.

She was beautiful.

He was rich.

In my world, this is the perfect match.

And while we all cry a bit today for Rupert, we can bravely dry those tears tomorrow because Rupert will land on his feet.

He didn’t tell me why the marriage fell apart. There must have been something in those years of wire tapping her phone that became the final straw.

Chin up, Rupe, I’ll be here whenever you need a friend.

I’ll see you at Sun Valley. I’ll save you ONE STOOL at the bar.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

(dictated – not read)

Other Blogs about Rupert Murdoch:

In Defense Of Rupert Murdoch

Rupert Murdoch’s Special Charity

Book Club Meeting On Rupert Murdoch’s Boat

Rupert Murdoch and Sumner Redstone

Blogs About Wendi Deng Murdoch:

The Woman Who Saved News Corp. (OnMedea)

June 3, 2013

Manka Bros Would Like To Offer Nikki Finke A Job

Good morning from my house in the Seychelles.

A few of us are having a great night drinking schnapps and eating crab. I won’t name names for security reasons but their initials are DM, RM, BD, JB, CC – you figure it out.

I just received my daily fax of important Hollywood internet stories from my assistant, Vicky Adler-Modry, and noticed that apparently Nikki Finke was fired from Deadline Hollywood.

I didn’t even realize that was possible – basically the equivalent of me getting fired from Manka Bros. We all know this is an impossible thing. It would take gunfire and a hostage situation to remove me from my post and that wouldn’t be legal – so I guess nothing could get me out.

[Goddamnit, Barry Diller just fucking spilled watermelon schnapps on my white carpet! But I digress…]

Let me get right to the point and I’ll speak directly to Nikki as I write:

Manka Bros. would like to offer you, Nikki Finke, a job – doing pretty much whatever you would like. If you’ve seen our numbers lately, we need help in most areas of the business.

If you would like to start a cut-throat-destroy-someone’s-life-type blog like you are currently running – that would be fine.

If you would like to work as a partner with our own in-house cut-throat-destroy-someone’s-life-type-blog – OnMedea – that would be fine as well. She would love the help.

If you would like to run our Theatrical Group – that would be fine, too. Robin Rafe has really been sucking lately and needs to be replaced at some point (off the record).

Or just pick something off our Jobs board – we’ve got a few great openings right now.

So, think about it, Nikki – Manka Bros. is one place you will never be fired from (unless you write about me or my family). Call my assistant at the studio, Vicky Adler-Modry (or just Friend her on Facebook).

I have to get back to karaoake – Rupert’s about to sing “MacArthur Park” – (never to be missed).

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

April 22, 2013

The Last Hollywood Mogul Is… Me

With the upcoming death of Sumner Redstone (any day now based on how he looked in recent photos) and the increasing dementia of Rupert Murdoch, it’s clear there is soon to be only one true Hollywood mogul remaining.

And that is me.

As with the “Last of the Mohicans,” moguls in Hollywood used to be a large tribe.

Brothers from Poland and Bulgaria and Kansas City and New York, etc. etc. – all coming to Hollywood with a dream and the sociopathic guts to do whatever it took to succeed (and a whole lot of luck).

Jill Kennedy – a writer for the Manka Bros.’ business blog OnMedea – wrote that 2013 is Endgame for Moguls. She’s absolutely right.

It’s the end of a great and powerful era.

When Sumner Redstone dies (I’m gonna say by mid-summer) and hundreds of people are forced to go to that funeral (who would will willingly want to go unless they’re trying to pitch some new idea to Brad Grey) it will be down to me and Rupert.

And we all know Rupert is certifiably insane – so he doesn’t count anymore.

I don’t even want to hear arguments about Spielberg and Katzenberg and Geffen being moguls. They tried. They failed. Next.

Harvey Weinstein? [spit take]

Many may say I don’t deserve to be called a mogul because I wasn’t a founder of the company and didn’t build it from scratch. In fact, I was given the job of Chairman and CEO right out of high school after my father died. I didn’t even want the job. I was very happy in my band, King Khan. We were awesome and on our way.

But I took the job and built Manka Bros. into the global media powerhouse it is today.

In 1976, when I took over – the company didn’t even have its own plane or free food and car allowances for senior management. I took care of that immediately.

Without that shit, we would have had no chance to land a super executive like Lloyd Grohl to run operations.

I only hope that I live another 40-50 years so that those who are young now at least have a small idea of how great things used to be when, like mafia families, studio heads would be willing to kill in order come out on top.

The FBI has a file cabinet full of all the things my father and uncles did in order to survive in early Hollywood. (The FBI needed an entire warehouse to store the files on Louis B. Mayer!)

Those days are gone and things are very passive-aggressive and “nice” in Hollywood. On the outside, everyone appears to be happy for everyone else’s success while they all kill themselves on the inside.

And that’s bullshit, man.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

March 12, 2013March 5, 2014

A Waste Of Time – SXSW Keynote Address – Khan Manka, Jr.

[The following is an unedited transcript of the keynote address to the SXSW Festival by Manka Bros. Chairman & CEO Khan Manka, Jr.]

March 12, 2013 – Austin Convention Center – Ballroom G

[Khan Manka, Jr. approaches a podium…]

Khan Manka, Jr.: Uh… Dave Grohl was supposed to introduce me – calm down, you idiots… Dave Grohl was supposed to introduce me but apparently he couldn’t pull himself away from the HTML5 panel “Making Your Band Much Cooler By Not Using Flash!”

[There are a few “HTML5 rocks” – and “Yeah!”]

Khan Manka, Jr.: That was a joke, jerk-offs. Whatever. I don’t really have much to say. I’ve been told to calm down on my speeches. The last few times I’ve given a keynote to one of these ridiculous events they ended in chaos. MIPCOM, Davos, Sun Valley, Bilderberg, CES, Comic-Con – even a commencement address at Beverly Hills High School went horribly wrong. So, on the order of my doctors, I’m going to keep things pretty calm. Can we just go to the first slide, please?

[FIRST SLIDE: Image – Manka Bros. Studios lot circa 1918.]

Khan Manka, Jr.: I normally don’t like to do slides but I was asked to stay on message – so this is the best way. Manka Bros. is celebrating its 101st anniversary this year. Based on size, it is the world’s largest media company. It is also the world’s oldest movie studio. Don’t let last year’s Universal and Paramount 100th Anniversary logos fool you – they are lying. They weren’t really incorporated in 1912 – only Manka Bros. was. Universal and Paramount were nothing but cross-breeding dairy farms in 1912. You can Wikipedia that shit if you want.

[Silence.]

Khan Manka, Jr.: I can see you’re already glazing over. It’s tough when you go from what used to be a pretty fun movies/music/interactive festival where everyone was drunk and eating barbecue – to today where you stare at a comic on a Samsung crap-ass phone in the Verizon Celebrity Douche Lounge while you collect a bunch of crap in a biodegradable bag that will sit in a closet in your house untouched until you eventually throw it away.

[The audiences is more audible. More fidgeting noises.]

Khan Manka, Jr.: Don’t get me wrong. It’s a great life you have – you’re all self-proclaimed hipsters, you go from festival to festival like modern day Deadheads. Why live life when you can go to arts festivals and talk about the life you will lead once you get home from the festival? But, of course, you never get home – or if you do, it’s just to recover until the next festival. It’s a great fucking life.

[A guy in a suit approaches Khan and whispers something in his ear.]

Khan Manka, Jr.: OK OK OK. I’ve been told by my handlers to get back on message. Jump past the historical slides and get to the meat.

[Another slide reads: The Digital Transition]

Khan Manka, Jr.: The single most important issue in Hollywood these days is the digital transition. Basically, we need you assholes to buy digital movies. Stop buying DVDs – stop using Redbox! Re-purchase your entire movie collection from the cloud. Get it? If you don’t, we’re in deep shit. Do you want the movie studios to go out of business, you fuckers?! It’s really the only thing you aspire to – a real movie deal from a real movie studio. You’re lying if you say you just want to make “important” little digital movies on a iPad that the studios don’t have the balls to make. So buy digital movies to keep your pathetic dreams alive. Capische?

[Dave Grohl arrives. The crowd goes crazy.]

Khan Manka, Jr.: Well well well – look who decided to show up? Hey, Dave, could you go back to 2003 and introduce me when you were interesting?

[Dave Grohl lunges at Khan Manka, Jr. A Security Guard smacks Grohl easily to the ground. He starts to cry like a toddler. That blonde, skinny drummer guy runs up to assist Grohl. He attacks Khan Manka, Jr. as well – but the Security Guard backhands him to the floor. The crowd turns on Khan Manka, Jr. – throwing officially licensed tchotchkes at the stage.]

Khan Manka, Jr.: Those were the only hits the Foo Fighters have had in a while, right? Am I fucking right, you morons?

[With that, Khan Manka, Jr. is ushered off the stage.]

[END OF TRANSCRIPT]

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

October 9, 2012October 10, 2012

Manka Bros. Would Like To Offer Jack Welch A Job

[The following is a transcribed phone conversation that Khan Manka, Jr. wanted posted on his Chairman’s Blog. Per his request, this is unedited – so I apologize for any unseemly language.]

Hello from Cannes!

Earlier today, I gave the keynote address at MIPCOM and now I am sitting here at the Hotel Carlton bar with my good friends Ben Silverman and Harvey Weinstein (though Harvey is not really sitting but sort of bent over on the floor). He is not passed out – so fuck you paparazzi – nothing to see here!

There are also myriad of hangers-on and wannabees – I’m talking to you Jeff Zucker!

It was just brought to my attention that the dumb asses at Fortune forced Jack Welch to quit his little blogger job over some Tweets or some shit? (I’ve been traveling and am a little vague on any details other than what it costs for a Cape Cod in Cannes – 20 fucking Euros!)

Well, whatever the truth (and I’m just dictating this over the phone to my assistant Vicky, the lawyers still have to do the official shit), Manka Bros. would like to offer, you, Jack Welch, a job.

I, frankly, don’t care what area you work in, I just know we would love to be in the Jack Welch business.

We don’t make jet engines or 3D printers (or whatever it was you used to do), but we do make the best damn creative content on the freakin’ planet.

Hang on, Jack. Fuck you, Silverman, you suck!

Sorry, Jack, Ben’s talking to the Mob Wives or something.

Hang on – yes, and put some goddamned alcohol in it this time!

Sorry, Jack.

Anyway, I’m thinking you could do a financial blog for us or even run the TV division – Jay McBee has really been sucking lately (off the record). My philosophy there has always been “Anyone But Silverman” in that job. We have a very prestigious Business Channel and we really need a cranky old nut case like you as one of the morning screamers – it would be a real boon to the ratings.

Just let me know as soon as you can – there are a lot of ex-moguls that would love this opportunity and I’m leaving them hanging until I hear back from you.

Ben’s trying to grab my phone so he can tell you off – did you both work at NBC?! – I’m hanging up!

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

October 9, 2012October 10, 2012

MIPCOM 2012 – Khan Manka, Jr. Keynote Address

[The following is a transcript of Khan Manka, Jr.’s keynote address at MIPCOM 2012. A disclaimer: Mr. Manka arrived late and was unable to have his speech entered into the TelePrompTer so his prepared remarks were not given.]

MIPCOM 2012 – KHAN MANKA, JR. KEYNOTE ADDRESS

“Rock You Like A Hurricane” plays as Khan Manka, Jr. walks to the MIPCOM podium.

Khan Manka, Jr. (KMJ): Look, we’re all a little fucked up today. I left my speech at the Carlton Bar this morning – technically last night – right, Ben?

Ben Silverman, in the front row, wearing sunglasses and a fedora, gives a thumbs up.

KMJ: Damn, dude, you know a lot of crazy chicks! But I don’t need my speech. I know what I want to say – and it’s much better than what Harvey Weinstein said earlier, right? Come on, I’ll fight all of you! Is it just me or is Harvey Weinstein starting to look more and more every day like Charles Laughton in Hunchback of Notre Dame. Huh?!

The lights flash on and off.

KMJ: OK OK – I get it. No fat Harvey jokes – allright! Jesus freakin’ Christ. Apparently, the head of MIPCOM – I don’t know his name – I’ll call him DICK COM – doesn’t like jokes. But, of course, Steve Levitan comes out here and does some lame ass shit and you’re falling all over the floor. I’ll bet you wouldn’t have laughed at that crap before he was famous.

Another flash of the lights.

KMJ: FUCK YOU – I UNDERSTAND! Television. Let’s talk television. I disagree with anyone who says this is a new Golden Age of television. They called the 50s the Golden Age. But what was the 70s? Goddamned Norman Lear? How could not call that a Golden Age? There was a lot of golden crap produced in the 1950s and every decade after that. For every “Modern Family” produced there is a “Mob Doctor” or, Jesus, “Mob Wives” – sorry, Ben, but it’s total shit and should be against the law – or at least against the laws of God.

Ben Silverman is talking to the waitress who brought over his drink order and is not paying attention.

KMJ: Look, at Manka Bros. we don’t believe in platitudes – we simply produce the world’s best television. There is no question about that. It’s not subjective. It is a fact. But that doesn’t mean we’re profitable. Our fucking international buying agents clearly have had their heads up their asses for several years now. I recommend you all go to our website and check the fall schedule for MBS. Not a flop in the bunch. Suck on that, Fox! LOOK OUT BELOW!

Khan Manka, Jr. wavers a bit and then falls to the floor. He quickly pops back up, takes a cocktail from Ben Silverman and continues.

KMJ: We’ve developed a new content model at Manka Bros. We call it the Circus-Circus-All-You-Can-Eat-Buffet model. Because it doesn’t matter what you produce – be it a feature film, scripted drama, comedy, reality series, web series – Shields & Yarnell crappy ass mime show – whatever – it’s all about how much and where you consume it. And, like, the Circus Circus Buffet, whether you’re eating those frightening powdered eggs or Cap’n Crunch, it’s all going to come out the same color in the end. And that color is green. Like money color.

Khan Manka, Jr. takes a long drink and closes his eyes for about 10 seconds, regaining his bearings.

KMJ: From this day forward, everything we produce will be available on a worldwide day-and-date basis. If we make a movie, you can watch it on TV, in a theater, at home, on your iPad, in the airplane, at the hotel… in the… in the… toilet. Anywhere you want for as long as you want for one price… $129.95. Any questions?

Nearly every hand raises in the audience. Khan Manka, Jr. stumbles off the stage. Ben Silverman stands and applauds. “Rock You Like A Hurricane” starts to play.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company