Michael Bloomberg – Page 3

July 8, 2015July 21, 2015

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2015 – Day 1 – Virtual Reality

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Herb Allen's Sun Valley Conference 2013, Sun Valley Lodge, Bin Tran, Vin Tran, Lee S Ainslie III, Yousef Al Otaiba, Hans-Holger Albrecht, Paul G Allen, James Anderson, Marc Andreessen, Michael Angelakis, Tim Armstrong, Nikesh Arora, Neil M Ashe, Emilio Azcarraga, Manvinder S Banga, Lionel Barber, Craig R Barrett, Willow Bay, Andreas Bechtolsheim, Marc Benioff, Jeffrey Berg, James Berkus, Michael S Berman, Mark Bertolini, Gary Bettman, Jeff Bewkes, Jeffrey P Bezos, Aneel Bhusri, The Right Honorable Tony Blair, Gregory R Blatt, Anthony H Bloom, Michael R Bloomberg, Steven R Boal, Scott A Bommer, Cory A Booker, Jeffrey H Boyd, Sergey Brin, Glenn Britt, Tom Brokaw, Michael J Brown, Howard G Buffett, Susie Buffett, Warren Buffett, John Burbank, Stephen Burke, Erin Burnett, Ursula Burns, John E Bush, Jeanie Buss, John A Canning Jr., Chase Carey, Wences Casares, Mark Casey, Kenneth Chenault, Peter Chernin, Brian Chesky, Richard Chilton, Chris Christie, Lewis Cime, Adriana Cisneros, Gustavo Cisneros, Vittorio Colao, Timothy Collins, Patrick Collison, Timothy Cook, Anderson Cooper, David Corkins, Delos Cosgrove, Dick Costolo, Cristian Croitoru, Henry Crumpton, Jose Luis Cutrale, Will Danoff, Philippe Dauman, Christopher Davis, Alfonso de Angoitia, John DeGioia, Diego Della Valle, Brian Demain, Andre Desmarais, David DeVoe, Feroz Dewan, William DeWitt, Barry Diller, Daniel Doctoroff, Jonathan Dolgen, John Donahoe, Jack Dorsey, Michael Duke, Mathias Dopfner, David Ebersman, Wesley Edens, Marvin Edwards, Eric Eisner, Michael Eisner, John Elkann, Thomas Evans, Randel Falco, Jose Antonio Fernandez, Michael Ferror, Niall W. A. FitzGerald, Thomas Friedman, Michael Fries, Tommy Frist, Daniel Fulton, Michael Fux, Mala Gaonkar, Whitfield Gardner, William Gates, Melinda Gates, Julius Genachowski, Daniel Gilbert, Thomas Giovine, David Goldberg, Roger Goodell, Bing Gordon, Donald Graham, Brian Grazer, Brad Grey, John Griffin, Andreas Halvorsen, Reed Hastings, General Michael Hayden USAF, James Heavener, John Hendricks, John Henry, John Heyman, Kazuo Hirai, John Hock, Reid Hoffman, Won Pyo Hong, Lisa Hook, Ben Horowitz, Drew Houston, Robert Iger, David Ignatius, Martin Indyk, Phillip Jackson, Eli Jacobs, Paul Jacobs, Robert Johnson, Salar Kamanger, Peter Karmanos, Alexander Karp, Michael Karsch, Jeffrey Katzenberg, Michael Keating, Brian Kelly, Muhtar Kent, Joseph Robert Kerrey, Dara Khosrowshahi, Seth Klaman, Joel Klein, Peter Klein, Philip H Knight, Victor Koo, Robert Kotick, Robert Kraft, Henry Kravis, Ynon Kreiz, Blake Krikorian, Ananda Krishnan, Stan Kroenke, Daniel Lamarre, Michael Larson, Martin Lau, Michael Leavitt, Jay Lee, Eric Lefkofsky, Theordore Leonsis, Max Levchin, David Levin, Phil Libin, Martin Lipton, Bryan Lourd, Kenneth W Lowe, Michael Lowenstein, Dan Lufkin, Dennis P LYnch, Michael Lynton, Maurice Levy, John Malone, Robert Marcus, Morris Mark, Donald Mattrick, Kathleen A McCarragher, General Stanley A McChrystal, Andrew McKenna, General Montgomery C Meigs, Lorenzo Mendoza, Ron Meyer, Roberto Mignone, Hiroshi Mikitani, Bill Miller, Kenneth Miranda, Thomas Monahan, Leslie Moonves, Luis Alberto Moreno, Dan Moskovitz, Craig Mundle, James Murdoch, Rupert Mudoch, Lachlan Murdoch, Nathan Myhrvold, Michael Neidorff, Jonathan M Nelson, Vivi Nevo, Sam Nunn, Michael E O'Hanlon, Daniel J O'Keefe, Don O'Neal, Ronald L Olson, Evan Osnos, CL Butch Otter, Michael Ovitz, Larry Page, Stephen G Pagliuca, Saul Pannell, Mark Papa, William Pappendick, MIchael Pausic, Minxin Pei, Francois-Henry Pinault, Mark Pincus, Laurene Powell, Lawrence F Probst, Rebecca Quick, Thomas Rabe, Jay Rasulo, Jerry Reinsdorf, Danny Rimer, Richard Riordan, Ambassador Charles H Rivkin, Brian Roberts, James Robinson IIi, James Robinson IV, Fernando Rodes Vila, Brian Rogers, Congressman Mike Rogers, Charlie Rose, Daniel Rose, Wilbur L Ross, Haim Saban, Karim Sadjadpour, Sheryl Sandberg, Ricky Sandler, Ted Sarandos, Fayez Sarofim, Nassef Sawiris, Eric Schmidt, John Schneider, Christopher Schroeder, John Scully, Allan Selig, Nicole Seligman, Eric Semler, William Siegel, Herbert Siegel, Ben Silbermann, Christopher Silbermann, Louis Simpson, Eduardo Sirotsky Melzer, Andrew Sorkin, Sir Martin Sorrell, Thomas Staggs, Cristina Stenbeck, David Stern, Michael Stone, Sir Howard Stringer, Robert Swan, Peter Thiel, Mark Thompson, Sebastian Thrun, Thomas Tull, Peter Ueberroth, Joseph Vacanti, Jeffrey Van Harte, Owen Van Natta, Martin Varsavsky, Leftie Vaughn, Michelangelo Volpi, Alexandre Von Furstenberg, Dian von Furstenberg, Casey Wasserman, David Weinberg, Judd Weinberg, Jeff Weiner, Harvey Weinstein, Wallace R Weitz, Robert Werbel, Michael White, Meg Whitman, Jim Wiatt, James Williams, Fred Wilpon, Jeffrey Wilpon, Fred Wilson, David J Winters, Nicholas Woodman, Major General Amos Yadlin, Jerry Yang, Jed York, David Zaslav, Dirk E Ziff, Gianfranco Zoppas, Mark Zuckerberg, Jack Ma, Jeff Bezos, Tony Wible, Marissa Mayer, General Stanley McChrystal, John Kerry, Michael Bloomberg

Day 0: Arrival — Day 1: Virtual Reality

There is something exhilarating about walking into a room and seeing Barry Diller wearing a virtual reality headset, gesturing wildly and emitting sounds like a child at Disneyland.

Actually there is nothing exhilarating about it. The word I meant to use was “wrong” – “creepy” would also work.

Supposedly, the 15-year-old founder of Oculus Rift set Mr. Diller up with a interactive western experience per his request.

I walked up to Barry as he made wild gestures in the air:

“What you watchin, Bar?”

“It’s an interactive movie – a western. Piss off.”

“Can I see?”

“No, fuck off.”

I was able to get a screenshot of his VR experience.

Don’t get me wrong, I love Virtual Reality and realize it’s going to be a huge business for a very small percentage of the world (0.01% at the high end).

During a VR panel featuring Oculus Rift founder Skippy Youngone (or something) we learned that Oculus was planning some disturbing new uses for the VR headset including the ability to feel real pain when shot or stabbed during a video game (it only will cost an additional $600 for that feature) – though actual bleeding is still “years away,” Skippy said somewhat sadly.

The most astonishing new business was a super clandestine project developed in the basement of the Oculus lab (the Sub-Zero 4T lab) focusing on real life end-of-life-solutions in which terminally ill people can choose the way they will die, i.e., getting eaten by piranhas, jumping into a volcano, ninja battle, dying in your sleep [my personal favorite].

Just put on the Oculus headset (for extra cost you can add the pain feeling armband and touch finger sensors) and when you’re ready to die someone will assist you with your pre-selected choice and you will die virtually… and actually.

Those of us in the room closer to the end of life than the beginning were thoroughly enchanted / horrified by this idea and wanted to learn more.

But then, Actual Reality took over the room as we started to see that the world outside of Sun Valley is falling apart.

China (which we all rely on to save our businesses from stagnant growth because of an inability to grow domestically) has returned to being a third-world country after the past month’s epic stock market collapse which has left villagers (who invested so many chickens and goats into the booming market ) longing for the old days of famine and misery.

Herb Allen attempted to keep the conference on track by going forward with a few lame panels (some bullshit about solar, something stupid about colonizing Mars and Defense Secretary Ashton Kushner assuring everyone that everything is awesome except ISIS) but you could tell the mood of the conference has shifted.

All around The Great Hall of the Moguls (The Limelight Ballroom), Captains of Industry were just staring at their phones not knowing what the F was happening (though they all claim to know).

It was decided by a core group of us that the plan for the rest of the conference is to get drunk, eat steak and worry for a couple more days in Sun Valley and then get back on our planes – whether it be to the Hamptons, Hawaii or Europe – and then continue to worry the rest of the summer.

Jeff Katzenberg – ever the failed optimist – is heading to Comic-Con as though that means anything anymore.

Not that the sky is falling… but, yes, the sky is falling.

And Manka Bros. just finished our five-year-plan in which 80% of our profits from 2020 are projected to come from China.

I think we’ll just change “China” to “Bulgaria” in the plan because that has a better chance of working out.

As Simpson’s Comic Book Guy would say: “Worst Herb Allen Sun Valley Conference ever!”

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2015

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2014

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2013

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2012

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2011

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2010

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2009

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2008

July 7, 2015July 8, 2015

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2015 – Arrival

Day 0: Arrival — Day 1: Virtual Reality

Good afternoon from Sun Valley!

It’s another glorious day and I can’t tell you how excited I am for this year’s Herb Allen Sun Valley Retreat.

The stars have aligned (unlike previous years which were total shit – except the The Acid Trip year and Burning Mogul which were fucking insane) and I am school girl giddily excited to witness the innovation and world-changing dialogue that will come from this year’s conference.

HA HA – I’m kidding, of course!

This will be another excrement drunk fest posing as an important “meeting of the masterminds” from the world of tech, media, communication and politics.

I feel bad for the poor journalists who have to stand in their little veal pen and cover this. It’s like covering a vomit festival from the vomitorium’s point of view (or something).

But I digress…

I have arrived and can’t wait to see what the Old White Men of Media (OWMOM) believe will happen in the future (new platforms and China anyone?). I don’t lump myself in the OWMOM crowd because Manka Bros. has decided not to hire anyone over the age of 30 – which will keep my brain young forever.

Luckily, we also have the Powerful Young White Men of Tech (PYWMOT – which I believe was a Michael Jackson song) here to tell us why the OWMOM are wrong.

It should be fascinating couple of days for a select few pricks.

If only I planned to pay attention.

My focus – as in previous years – is to get drunk and stay drunk.

The greatest bartender in the world – the luminous Bin Tran at “The Drankin’ Hole” (Duchin Lounge) is standing by to get me hammered and I must not keep him waiting.

I checked in and was handed a ticket for the ice cream sundae bar which will be set-up after dinner. Apparently last year two very prominent unnamed guests had multiple portions which resulted in someone having to take a helicopter to Ketchum to get Warren Buffet his favorite rainbow sherbert.

My room was a disappointment. It overlooks the colored ball pit attraction in the Kids’ Club (perhaps I am being punished for blogging about the conference). I asked to overlook the Hot Tub Grotto because I heard Brett Ratner and James Packer might be coming with a few “special guests” – but I suppose you can’t always get what you want.

I changed into my drinking shoes and slacks and headed straight for The Drankin’ Hole.

Let me get right to it… this conference will suck more than anything has ever sucked before.

Bin Tran and his brother Vin Tran were fired last year (reasons unknown) and replaced by some time actor Gary Golden.

Before I could even get my drink order in he told me he was going to be playing Bert in a Ketchum Music Theater production of “Mary Poppins” – and bartending isn’t want he really wants to do – and how can he get someone at Manka Bros. to look at his acting reel and… bullshit bullshit bullshit!

Eventually, I asked him to shut the fuck up, and to give me a bottle of vodka and a basket of fries.

Finally, Les Moonves entered and sat next to me. He carried with him the exhaustion of a man who just traveled four hours by private plane.

Les: The days are getting shorter, Khan.

I could have said something back like “Hello” – but I just wanted to let his words hang in the air and drink in silence.

But not 5 seconds later, Jeffrey Katzenberg popped his face in between us and said “WASSSUP?!”

At this point, all I want to do is get as hammered as possible before this infernal barbecue tonight.

Maybe they’ll roast a fallen mogul on a spit – seems apt for this place.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2015

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2014

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2013

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2012

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2011

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2010

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2009

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2008

April 9, 2015June 25, 2015

Manka Bros. Will No Longer Hire Anyone Over 30

Good morning.

As of today, Manka Bros. will no longer hire anyone who is 30 or over.

Over the past year or so, I have come to realize it would be a strategic blunder for myself and the Manka Bros. shareholders to produce any new content or develop any new distribution platforms for anyone other than those between the ages of 0 and 29.

I’m not going to lose millions just so some old person can keep their job!

Manka Bros. is producing 157 comic book movies over the next 35 years. I don’t want that shit to look cool to 50-year-olds but completely bore 15-year-olds.

Based on everything we need to do going forward, there is no point to having anyone work on the creative or business side that is over 30.

Business schools call this the “Logan’s Run” HR strategy and it’s secretly being used effectively by many high-profile Silicon Valley companies.

I like to think of it more as the MTV VJ strategy of firing the VJ women (only) once they hit 25. (Look at me, “MTV VJs” – really showing my age there. Thank God I own the studio or I would right out on my ass 🙂 )

But seriously, 31-year-olds don’t know what 25-year-olds watch or how they interact with content. And no one gives a shit what a 31-year-old watches.

I mean, who is going to watch the new Mad Max movie (which was made by a 70-year-old director!)? I mean, just look at this piece of shit:

The buzz is much better for our upcoming summer release “Flaccid Trip” – which was directed by an 18-year-old high school kid using only his iPhone as a camera.

Watch this clip and you be the judge:

See what I mean? THAT’S what the young people want.

Being the oldest (and largest) studio in Hollywood has its advantages (deep pockets, deep library, classic characters) but also its disadvantages (old thinking, stuck in our ways, etc.).

So, what’s to become of all the current employees who are over 30?

Most will be let go with the exception of anyone that is an SVP or above.

While it is true that most of the SVPs and above are rich, fat and haven’t thought of anything new or exciting in years, most of their exit packages would be too great and I don’t want to part with that cash. (And I also don’t want to disrupt my weekly squash game that I have with some of those guys.)

Everyone below SVP – who is 30 or older – should be receiving some sort of call in the next, I don’t know, month or so.

I’m sure this new policy will have its detractors and I’m sure you all have many questions – but it is nearing lunch time and I am typing this myself (my assistant is 42 and I don’t want to upset her before lunch).

Thanks for all your hard work over the years (though I know many of you didn’t work hard at all – just saying) and I hope all of you who are leaving Manka Bros. will wish us all the best as we become a younger, incredibly innovative and much more fun place to work.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

P.S. – If you are 29, you may want to start looking for a job (or go on unemployment, I don’t really care).

P.P.S – Follow us on SOCIAL MEDIA! That’s right, suckers, we’re on Vine, Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, YouTube, Tumblr, Snapchat (maybe not) – because THAT’S what my daughter Connie says the kids are doing.

P.P.P.S. – And for any old people and losers out there – we also have a web page, a broadcast network and cable channels – HA HA – pathetic.

October 31, 2014May 18, 2016

Manka Bros. To Produce 157 Movies Based On MC Comics Characters Through 2050

Good afternoon.

The title pretty much says it all.

THIS SHIT IS REAL!

So come on, Comic Con geeks – let your heads commence to explode.

THIS IS A HUGE ANNOUNCEMENT and a financial commitment unparalleled in the history of Hollywood (and way more impressive than DC Comics or Marvel’s puny little movie announcements).

We’ve talked about getting these world-class characters out of the comic book pages and onto the big screen for months – especially when you see some of those box office grosses – Jesus Christ – people will watch anything!

And MC Comics has arguably the best characters in the universe – it is Manka Bros.’ crown jewel.

I think the entire planet is ready for a “Captain Stoppo” movie (which, unfortunately, isn’t part of our current plan).

And what is the plan? Here you go, movie dorks – and, by the way, YOU’RE WELCOME!

Starting 2015, Manka Bros. will release 3-5 MC Comics SUPERMOVIES™ a year. (I don’t call them event films or tentpoles – I call them SUPERMOVIES™ – meaning big, awesome and insanely profitable).

By 2050, the story arcs we have mapped out over the past few days will be completed and we’ll be ready to go in a new direction.

Maybe we’ll start doing epic romantic comedies or something. No matter what, we’ll be able to do whatever the fuck we want because we’re going to make so much bank on these comic book movies it’s not even funny.

Enough of my chatter -let’s get to the release schedule – it’s going to be a long scroll:

2015:

The Javelin: End Of Innocence (March 4)
Uncle Knuckles: Unnecessary Evil (July 2)
The Brown Haze: Code of H.O.N.O.R.(November 18)

2016:

Doctor Proctor: Aliens Unite (June 9)
The Jacobeans: Copernican Revolution (August 12)
Skullboy: Birth of T.O.R.N.A.T.O. (featuring The Javelin, Uncle Knuckles, The Brown Haze, Microwife and Sheetah) (TBD)
Johnny Crasp & The Lost Trood (Christmas)

2017:

Sheetah: Harvest of Sorrow (February 14)
T.O.R.N.A.T.O.: Midnight Storm (May 6)
The Javelin 2: Heroes Unwelcome (July 18)
Pebble Boy: Who Is Pebble Boy? (October 20)

2018:

Uncle Knuckles 2: Evil Is Not Necessary (April 3)
Gray Goose & Orange Crush: Earth’s Last Stand (June 27)
The Father: Obey (November 8)
The Jacobeans 2: The Smell of Death (Christmas)

2019:

Buddha vs. Moses: Curse of the Millennium (March 17)
Doctor Proctor 2: Always Say Never (July 6)
The Son: Adore & Glorify (November 7)
The Brown Haze 2: Planet on Fire (Thanksgiving)

2020:

T.O.R.N.A.T.O. 2: Bluetooth Ascends(April 6)
The Black Wasp: Deadly Flight (July 7)
The Holy Ghost: You Must Fear (November 9)
Skullboy 2: Sailors Delight (December 18)

2021:

Pebble Boy 2: Clayhead’s Revenge (March 14)
Johnny Crasp & The Lost Trood 2: Seasons In The Sun (August 25)
The Father vs. The Son vs. The Holy Ghost: Heaven’s On Fire (Christmas)

2022:

Sheetah 2: Inside The Dark (February 10)
Uncle Knuckles 3: Evil Stand Down (May 5)
Buddha vs. Moses vs. The Black Wasp: End Of Days (Thanksgiving)
The Jacobeans 3: Birth Of A Nation (Christmas)

2023:

Vertebraek: The Mayan Dutchman (March 8)
T.O.R.N.A.T.O. 3: Everything Dies (May 20)
The Human Jaguar vs. The Animal Jaguar: Gorilla Warfare (Part 1 of 5) (July 23)
The Holy Ghost 2: Down To Earth (December 22)

2024:

The Javelin 3: The New Javelin (April 18)
The Black Wasp 2: Dead Dead Dead (Never To Return) (July 4)
Buddha, Jesus, Moses & Young (A Comedy) (November 4)

2025:

Pebble Boy 3: Pebble Man (January 16)
Doctor Proctor 3: Fatal Examination (June 28)
The Human Jaguar vs. The Animal Jaguar: Skinned Alive (Part 2 of 5) (November 14)

2026:

Vertebraek 2: Deathert Storm (February 12)
The Brown Haze 3: Clear Skies (May 15)
The Human Jaguar vs. The Animal Jaguar: Shot In The Back (Part 3 of 5) (November 12)
Joe Jitsu: The Death of Chuck Spalding (Christmas)

2027:

T.O.R.N.A.T.O 4: Fresh Dawn (featuring new characters including The New Javelin, Joe Jitsu, Moses, Mysteria, Groan and The Kentuckian) (May 5)
The Jacobeans 4: Pandemic (July 3)
The Black Wasp 3: Never Stay Dead (October 4)
The Human Jaguar vs. The Animal Jaguar: Filthy Beast (Part 4 of 5) (November 15)

2028:

The New Javelin: The Indian Train Porter (March 20)
Phillip Jagstone: The Human Box (June 16)
Smack-O-Lantern: World On Fire (October 24)
The Human Jaguar vs. The Animal Jaguar: Somebody Wins (Part 5 of 5 – Part 1) (November 18)

2029:

Pebble Man: The Birth Of Pebble Boy (March 17)
Johnny Crasp & The Lost Trood 3: Bleeding City Of Gold (June 16)
Uncle Knuckles: No Surrender (brand refresh) (October 17)
The Human Jaguar vs. The Animal Jaguar: Somebody Wins (Part 5 of 5 – Part 2) (November 19)

2030:

The Indian Train Porter: Mumbai Monsoon (April 17)
Joe Jitsu 2: The Masked Apparition (August 2)
The Human Jaguar vs. The Animal Jaguar: Somebody Wins (Part 5 of 5 – Part 3) November 20
The Duchess of Malfi vs. The Human Box (Christmas)

2031:

The New Javelin 2: Killosopher’s Last Stand (March 18)
Colonel Albania: Czechmate (July 17)
T.O.R.N.A.T.O. Guerre Civile (Part 1 of 6) (November 12)
The Forgotten 8: Pointillist Rising (featuring The Lifter, Pinch Hitter, 2 Of Clubs, Da Boss, Everlass, Slacks, The Ghost of Hamlet’s Father and Soknotta) (Christmas)

2032:

Pebble Boy vs. The Brown Haze: Sundown (May 5)
The Black Wasp 4: Gravity Ends (July 17)
The Human Box: The Phillip Jagstone Chronicles (Part 1 of 3) (October 14)
T.O.R.N.A.T.O. Guerre Civile (Part 2 of 6) (November 13)

2033:

Vertebraek 3: Seeds Of Destruction (April 3)
The Indian Train Porter 2: Controlled Substance (August 15)
Smack-O-Lantern 2: Sending My Love (October 22)
T.O.R.N.A.T.O. Guerre Civile (Part 3 of 6) (November 12)
Joe Jitsu 3: Groan & Gasp (November 26)
The Duchess Of Malfi: Prelude To A Storm (Christmas)

2034:

Colonel Albania 2: Lethalania (February 3)
Sheetah 3: There’s A New Sheetah In Town (April 7)
The Human Box: The Phillip Jagstone Chronicles (Part 2 of 3) (July 23)
T.O.R.N.A.T.O. Guerre Civile (Part 4 of 6) (November 13)
Buddha vs. Moses vs. The Black Wasp 2: Exodus (Christmas)

2035:

The New Javelin 3: The Rebirth Of T.O.R.N.A.T.O. 1 (featuring all the original T.O.R.N.A.T.O. members but younger (The Javelin, Uncle Knuckles, The Brown Haze, Microwife and Sheetah) – not to be confused with the T.O.R.N.A.T.O. Guerre Civile series characters (The New Javelin, Joe Jitsu, Moses, Mysteria, Groan and The Kentuckian) (May 13)
Johnny Crasp & The Lost Trood 4: Skullinary Art (August 10)
Pebble Boy vs. Crocodoll: Island On Fire (October 10)
T.O.R.N.A.T.O. Guerre Civile (Part 5 of 6) (November 15)

2036:

The Amazing Echo: Deceptikon 436 (February 2)
The Forgotten 8 2: Hope Laughs (April 18)
The Human Box: The Phillip Jagstone Chronicles (Part 3 of 3 – Part 1) (July 16)
Smack-O-Lantern 3: Death Knocks (October 20)
T.O.R.N.A.T.O. Guerre Civile (Part 6 of 6 – Part 1) (November 18)

2037:

Groan & Gasp: The Fall Of Smugly (February 6)
New Sheetah: Sunrise At Dawn (March 29)
T.O.R.N.A.T.O 1: Universal Upheaval (July 16)
T.O.R.N.A.T.O. Guerre Civile (Part 6 of 6 – Part 2) (November 15)
The Indian Train Porter 3: Cry Of The Creed Whacker (December 18)

2038:

Madgician: Death To The Forgotten 8 (March 7)
The Human Box: The Phillip Jagstone Chronicles (Part 3 of 3 – Part 2) (July 7)
General Albania: Promotion Granted (August 17)
T.O.R.N.A.T.O. Guerre Civile (Part 6 of 6 – Part 3) (November 7)
The Jacobeans vs. Mandito: God Will Decide (Christmas)

2039:

Uncle Knuckles / Pebble Boy Crossover Event (Title TBD) (March 12)
Doctor Proctor: Lou Tonium’s Final War (July 4)
The Amazing Echo 2: The Inertian (October 10)
T.O.R.N.A.T.O. Guerre Civile (Part 6 of 6 – Part 4) (November 20)

2040:

Johnny Crasp & the Lost Trood 5: Found Trood (February 14)
Sheetah & The Human Jaguar vs. Joe Jitsu & Uncle Knuckles: Hell Unbound (May 25)
T.O.R.N.A.T.O. 2: Universe Unhinged (July 6)
The Holy Ghost 3: Fear The Reaper (August 17)
T.O.R.N.A.T.O. Guerre Civile (Part 6 of 6 – Part 5) (November 22)
The Fissureman: Earth Walker (December 14)

2041:

Groan & Gasp 2: The Story Of Gunshine (March 6)
Pebble Boy vs. Crocodoll 2: The Death Of Crocodoll, The Birth Of Brawlcano (May 14)
Vertebraek 4: Welcome To Hades (July 16)
Smack-O-Lantern 4: A Musical Horromedy (October 20)
New Sheetah 2: Old Sheetah’s Shadow (December 3)

2042:

Clayhead 2: High School Sucks (April 24)
The New Brown Haze: Big Bang (brand refresh) (Jun 15)
T.O.R.N.A.T.O. vs. T.O.R.N.A.T.O: God Help Us All (July 17)
Insurance Squad No. 1: Galaxy Implosion (November 15)

2043:

The Forgotten 8 3: Burn In Hell (March 25)
Brawlcano: Mind The Gap (July 15)
Lou Tonium: The World Is Flattened (October 20)
Uncle Knuckles / Pebble Boy Crossover Event 2 (Title TBD) (November 16)
The Ghost Of Hamlet’s Father: Murder Most Foul (Christmas)

2044:

The Jacobeans vs. Mandito 2: Splat (February 22)
The Kentuckian: Galactic Hoedown (June 25)
Sheetah & The Human Jaguar vs. Joe Jitsu & Uncle Knuckles 2: Hell Unscrewed (November 3)
T.O.R.N.A.T.O vs. T.O.R.N.A.T.O. 2: Hell’s Apocalypse (November 27)
The Fissureman 2: Earth Runner (Christmas)

2045:

Groan & Gasp 2: Dr. Flamenco’s Return (January 23)
Clayhead 3: High School Still Sucks (April 19)
The Indian Train Porter 4: One More Job (July 20)
Smack-O-Lantern: Back To Terror (October 17)
General Albania 2: White Sea Cannibal (Christmas)

2046:

Madgician 2: Revenge Of Madgician’s Rabbit (March 4)
Glassh vs. Smugly: No One Survives (May 26)
Lou Tonium 2: Quarantined (July 6)
T.O.R.N.A.T.O. vs. T.O.R.N.A.T.O. 3: Serious Business (November 15)
Crocodoll’s Christmas In Virginia (December 12)

2047:

Dr. Flamenco: The Last Dance (February 14)
The Forgotten 8 4: Habeas Corpus (June 17)
T.O.R.N.A.T.O. vs. T.O.R.N.A.T.O 4: All Is Lost (November 12)
The Kentuckian 2: Galactic Barbecue (December 3)

2048:

Sheetah & The Human Jaguar vs. Joe Jitsu & Uncle Knuckles 3: Hell’s Last Stand (March 7)
T.O.R.N.A.T.O. vs. T.O.R.N.A.T.O. 5: Gotterdammerung (Part 1) (June 3)
Insurance Squad No. 2: Solar Eclipse (August 15)
The Indian Train Porter Dies (October 23)
T.O.R.N.A.T.O. vs. T.O.R.N.A.T.O. 5: Gotterdammerung (Part 2) (November 17)
Crocodoll’s Christmas In Virginia 2: Valentine’s Day (December 20)

2049:

General Albania vs. Pebble Boy: Soviet Beatdown (February 14)
Clayhead 4: College Sucks (April 15)
T.O.R.N.A.T.O. vs. T.O.R.N.A.T.O. 5: Gotterdammerung (Part 3) (July 4)
Lou Tonium 3: Damn It! (August 24)
T.O.R.N.A.T.O. vs. T.O.R.N.A.T.O. 5: Gotterdammerung (Part 4) (November 12)

2050:

Insurance Squad No. 3: Flame Throwers (March 14)
The Fissureman 3: Into The Jungle (May 7)
T.O.R.N.A.T.O. vs. T.O.R.N.A.T.O. 5: Gotterdammerung (Part 5) (July 2)
Doctor Proctor & Sheetah Get Married (working title) (August 12)
Smack-O-Lantern: Swallow This (October 18)
T.O.R.N.A.T.O. vs. T.O.R.N.A.T.O. 5: Gotterdammerung (Part 6) (November 6)
Crocodoll’s Christmas In Virginia 3: Columbus Day (Christmas)

Whew, that’s a lot of content! I certainly hope WALL STREET (pricks) gets as excited about this list of titles as I am.

So now we’re just going to go out and make these 157 movies. We’ll start hiring writers and directors and actors and come up with costumes and all that stuff.

Manka Bros. has, once again, proven that we are – by a long shot- the world’s largest media company!

Take that Jack Ma!

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

P.S. – I’d like to thank my assistant Vicky Adler-Modry for typing up this gigantic list. I’ve given her the rest of the evening off.

October 10, 2014October 10, 2014

I Am Not Giving Up The Jet

Good morning.

At Manka Bros. Studios, we have a suggestion box placed near the Fountain of Wisdom next to the 12-foot statue of my uncle – the great Khan Manka, Sr.

Normally, I don’t pay too much attention to the suggestions as they are mostly about the small portions served at the cafeteria; why isn’t gym membership free; and why we don’t give away more free stuff (like DVDs of our movies), etc.

But yesterday, I was made aware of a suggestion that I felt I should take head on:

“If Manka Bros. is currently going through a cost-cutting program which includes pretty severe headcount cuts, why wouldn’t you consider selling the Manka Bros. corporate jet in order to save a few of those jobs?”

This is a very thoughtful, but, I hate to say, very stupid and short-sighted question.

The jet stays.

Period.

I have never considered selling the jet for one very special reason – I need it. And I am the Chairman & CEO. Capische?

Without the jet, I would never have been able to take a call from COO Lloyd Grohl informing me we had won the movie rights to Cormac McCarthy’s “Rampage of the Stegosaur.”

Sure, I could have learned about it when I touched down in New York like a normal schlub at JFK or some such shit (if I was flying commercial like an idiot) – but I think it was important that I got that news an hour earlier so that I could think about what it meant for the company.

“But that movie lost $200 million,” you say.

And I say, shut the fuck up. We’re not done with that property, moron.

We have a musical coming out on Broadway that could end up making $1 billion. Nobody knows the future (though the music and lyrics need lots of work. Oy, those songs).

Without the jet, I wouldn’t have been able to fly to the Olympics in Sochi without going through security. Those lines were really long!

And do you know how hard it is to get to your house in the Seychelles when you’re flying commercial?!

Or Sun Valley? That would look pathetic to the other moguls.

So don’t tell me to sell the jet that I earned!

I’m a “MANKA,” goddamnit! Asking me to sell my plane is like me asking you to sell your child.

Go ahead, sell your child. I bet you could save a couple jobs with the money you make in the black-market-child-selling-ring.

Who looks foolish now, Ray Adler in Home Video? Oh, I mean, “Anonymous.”

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

September 25, 2014September 25, 2014

Manka Bros. Announces Huge Joint Venture In China

Good afternoon.

I have very exciting news.

Manka Bros. has entered into an exclusive agreement with The Happy China Magic Film Co. to produce and distribute up to 100 MOVIES over the next 5 YEARS.

This deal is worth up to $2 BILLION and puts Manka Bros. at the top of the entertainment pyramid in China. (Our previous deal with Mao Hollywood Moviepak failed miserably and nearly resulted in our abandoning China altogether due to an insane amount of corruption).

But thanks to all that cheap money – we are freakin’ back!

While we do have reservations about China’s dismal record on human rights and recent history of horrific abuses of its people, $2 billion was just too much to pass up!

Manka Bros. will have complete freedom to make the movies we want to make with the following exceptions:

Our first 5 films in the joint venture will chronicle Chairman Mao’s amazing rise to power through peace and non-violence (killing only those who truly deserved it). This series will cover his wealthy privileged childhood under the old feudal system of government to his ascension as Chairman of all the people following The Long March and the Chinese Civil War.

To a lesser extent (and lower budget), we will produce a series of films about Deng Xioping which will also chronicle his life and his help in creating the perfect utopia that exists in China today.

Slightly more controversial (but Award worthy) will be a film we will produce which finally addresses the Tiananmen Square Massacre from the Central Government’s Historical Truth Document (or HTD) which states that it was actually the students’ fault. What I didn’t realize (which was strenuously brought to my attention by the co-President of the joint venture Guong Fan) is that it was actually the soldiers who were killed by the students. All these years, I thought it was the other way around. I hope the movie we produce will be able to straighten up that little fact.

We’re also going to make a talking dog movie (featuring a Chinese voice actor who will impersonate Barack Obama’s voice). For some reason the kids over there love American Presidents being portrayed as talking animals! I have put my foot down on this one and got their assurances that the dog will only say intelligent and tasteful things (though I don’t speak or understand Mandarin – so it will be hard to check).

Other than that, we’ll be able to produce whatever films we feel will appeal to the modern Chinese audience. I’m thinking a karate movie or something with a cool dragon would be really big over there.

In financial terms, this deal will result in a windfall to Manka Bros.

For funding only 49% of this venture, we have secured at a minimum 10% of the gross net box office (whatever that is). When you’ve got 1.4 billion people going to the movies, 10% is a shitload of money!

We also have rights to distribute these films outside of China in certain countries and formats (to be decided at a later date).

So that’s it. This is our main focus now since the movie business in the U.S. is doomed forever.

We are deep into China – and we are in it to win it!

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

P.S. – I forgot – we also have to do a couple of films about the Cultural Revolution – which they assured me really wasn’t that bad.

July 14, 2014July 15, 2014

Manka Bros. To Produce Lots Of Event Series

Good evening from my house in the Seychelles!

I flew here directly from Herb Allen’s worst Sun Valley conference ever.

Maybe he should just stop and hand it off to Herbert Allen, Jr. Jr. (if there is such a thing).

There’s really no point to these blow fests every year.

The only thing we learned this year was that if you are powerful in business you probably suck at comedy.

It’s nearly 10pm here and I’m bored out of my mind.

Sometimes liquor is a great cure for boredom. Not this time and the internet is awful in the summer with everything being written by interns while the normal writers are on vacation. (Actually, the internet is pretty much always awful.)

I did notice on Deadline.com (which is the reason I’m blogging) that Spike TV is producing “Tut” – an event series starring Sir Ben Kingsley based on the life of King Tut.

SIR BEN KINGSLEY ON SPIKE TV?

Are you fucking kidding me?

Spike TV is the lowest of the low. Maybe a few WWE wrestlers can make cameos in “Tut” and cross-promote.

It seems like this kind of production would need muscle guys slathered in oil screaming at each other.

Is it that easy these days to get Sir Ben Kingsley in a TV series?

Or has his career sunken so low that he has to appear on Spike?

Either way – Manka Bros. is leaping into this phenomenon called “Event Series” with an incredibly ambitious slate that I just thought of in the past few minutes.

Highlights from our upcoming productions include:

“Attila” – A 20-part event series based on the life of Attila the Hun.

“Stalin” – A 15-part event series based on the life of Joseph Stalin.

“Arianna” – A 19-part event series based on the life of Arianna Huffington.

“Quixote” – A 9-part event series based on the life of Don Quixote.

“Thor” – A 12-part event series based on the life of the Norse God Thor.

“Khan” – A 30-part event series based on the life of Khan Manka (Sr.)

“Einstein” – A 12-part event series based on the life of Albert Einstein.

“Super” – A 17-part event series based on the life of Super Dave Osborne.

“Confucius” – A 5-part event series based on the life of Confucius.

“Fillmore” – A 13-part event series based on the life of Millard Fillmore.

“Wagner” – A 20-part event series based on the life of Robert Wagner.

“Wagner” – A 6-part event series based on the life of Richard Wagner.

“Picasso” – A 4-part event series based on the life of Pablo Picasso.

(Note: All of these may star Sir Ben Kingsley or actors who know Sir Ben Kingsley.)

——————————————-

The list goes on and on.

I can think up names of historical figures all day long with the best of ’em. (Are you paying attention, Ben Silverman?)

And Manka Bros. is going to own this market of thinking up event series ideas based on people’s lives (ideas that strangely didn’t appeal to anyone in Hollywood over last few decades even though the source material was always just sitting there).

I may return to the States later this week to attend Comic-Con even though they said they wouldn’t invite me back after my last keynote address.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

June 3, 2013

Manka Bros Would Like To Offer Nikki Finke A Job

Allen & Company retreat, Ari Emanuel, Barry Diller, Ben Silverman, Bob Iger, Carol Bartz, DumbDumb, Electus, Eric Schmidt, Gina Bianchini, Herb Allen, Herb Allen Sun Valley Conference, Herbert Allen, Jeff Bewkes, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jeffrey Immelt, Jerry Yang, Khan Manka, Lady Gaga, Leslie Moonves, Lloyd Grohl, Manka Bros., Marissa Mayer, Mark Pincus, Mark Zuckerberg, Peter Chernin, Phillippe Dauman, Reid Hoffman, Richard Parsons, Ricky Van Veen, Rupert Murdoch, Sergey Brin, Sheryl Sandberg, Steve Jobs, Sun Valley Retreat, Sun Valley Retreat 2010, Terry Semel, World's Largest Media Company, Chase Carey, James Murdoch, Elisabeth Murdoch, Lachlan Murdoch, Jim Gianopulos, Joel Klein, Jon Miller, Steve Burke, Michael Angelakis, Leslie Moonves, Philippe Dauman, Jeff Bewkes, John Martin, Howard Stringer, Rob Wiesenthal, Michael Lynton, John Malone, Greg Maffei, Haim Saban, David Zaslav, John Hendricks, Mike White, Edgar Bronfman, Len Blavatnik, Tim Armstrong, Peter Chernin, Tom Freston, Carol Bartz, Jerry Yang, Mark Pincus, Owen Van Natta, Brian Roberts, Jason Kilar, Wayne Willich, Reid Hoffman, Harvey Weinstein, Diane Von Furstenberg, Andrew Mason, Jason Kilar, Ben Horowitz, Gina Bianchini, Mark Pincus, Ali Pincus, Robert Wiesenthal, Tom Freston, Bing Gordon, Bill Gates, Chris Christie, Martin Sorrell, Eric Lefkofsky, Oprah Winfrey, Jeff Bezos, Tim Cook, Cory Booker, Michael Bloomberg, Joel Klein, Lachlan Murdoch, James Murdoch, Bobby Kotick, Marc Andreessen, Peter Thiel, Dick Costolo, Ross Levinsoh, Paul Sagan, Leslie Moonves, Tim Armstrong, Glenn Britt, Donald Graham, Kazuo Hirai, Howard Stringer, Jae-Yong Lee, Bryan Lourd, Ron Meyer, Brad Grey, Edmund Lee, Anthony Palazzo, John Malone, Chris Silbermann, Jim Berkus, Roger Goodell, David Stern, Chris Christie, Julius Genachowski, Erin Burnett, Charlie Rose, Becky Quick, Todd Davidson, Reed Hastings, Terry Semel, Jerry Yang, Ken Allen, Laurene Powell Jobs, Jean-Bernard Levy, Lucian Grainge, Jonathan Boyar, Mark Pincus, Michael Lynton, Mandy Tavakol, Mario Monti, Dave DeVoe, John Martin, Brian Roberts, David Zaslav, Mel Karmazin, Carol Bartz, Scott Thompson, Jason Kilar, King Abdullah II, Queen Rania, Queen Noor, #sv12, #Sunvalley2012, #allenco, Robert Johnson, Anne Sweeney, Brian Grazer, Michael Ovitz, Hiroshi Mikitani, Owen Van Natta, Don Mattrick, Nikki Finke, Sharon Waxman, Jay Penske, Deadline Hollywood

Good morning from my house in the Seychelles.

A few of us are having a great night drinking schnapps and eating crab. I won’t name names for security reasons but their initials are DM, RM, BD, JB, CC – you figure it out.

I just received my daily fax of important Hollywood internet stories from my assistant, Vicky Adler-Modry, and noticed that apparently Nikki Finke was fired from Deadline Hollywood.

I didn’t even realize that was possible – basically the equivalent of me getting fired from Manka Bros. We all know this is an impossible thing. It would take gunfire and a hostage situation to remove me from my post and that wouldn’t be legal – so I guess nothing could get me out.

[Goddamnit, Barry Diller just fucking spilled watermelon schnapps on my white carpet! But I digress…]

Let me get right to the point and I’ll speak directly to Nikki as I write:

Manka Bros. would like to offer you, Nikki Finke, a job – doing pretty much whatever you would like. If you’ve seen our numbers lately, we need help in most areas of the business.

If you would like to start a cut-throat-destroy-someone’s-life-type blog like you are currently running – that would be fine.

If you would like to work as a partner with our own in-house cut-throat-destroy-someone’s-life-type-blog – OnMedea – that would be fine as well. She would love the help.

If you would like to run our Theatrical Group – that would be fine, too. Robin Rafe has really been sucking lately and needs to be replaced at some point (off the record).

Or just pick something off our Jobs board – we’ve got a few great openings right now.

So, think about it, Nikki – Manka Bros. is one place you will never be fired from (unless you write about me or my family). Call my assistant at the studio, Vicky Adler-Modry (or just Friend her on Facebook).

I have to get back to karaoake – Rupert’s about to sing “MacArthur Park” – (never to be missed).

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

April 22, 2013

The Last Hollywood Mogul Is… Me

With the upcoming death of Sumner Redstone (any day now based on how he looked in recent photos) and the increasing dementia of Rupert Murdoch, it’s clear there is soon to be only one true Hollywood mogul remaining.

And that is me.

As with the “Last of the Mohicans,” moguls in Hollywood used to be a large tribe.

Brothers from Poland and Bulgaria and Kansas City and New York, etc. etc. – all coming to Hollywood with a dream and the sociopathic guts to do whatever it took to succeed (and a whole lot of luck).

Jill Kennedy – a writer for the Manka Bros.’ business blog OnMedea – wrote that 2013 is Endgame for Moguls. She’s absolutely right.

It’s the end of a great and powerful era.

When Sumner Redstone dies (I’m gonna say by mid-summer) and hundreds of people are forced to go to that funeral (who would will willingly want to go unless they’re trying to pitch some new idea to Brad Grey) it will be down to me and Rupert.

And we all know Rupert is certifiably insane – so he doesn’t count anymore.

I don’t even want to hear arguments about Spielberg and Katzenberg and Geffen being moguls. They tried. They failed. Next.

Harvey Weinstein? [spit take]

Many may say I don’t deserve to be called a mogul because I wasn’t a founder of the company and didn’t build it from scratch. In fact, I was given the job of Chairman and CEO right out of high school after my father died. I didn’t even want the job. I was very happy in my band, King Khan. We were awesome and on our way.

But I took the job and built Manka Bros. into the global media powerhouse it is today.

In 1976, when I took over – the company didn’t even have its own plane or free food and car allowances for senior management. I took care of that immediately.

Without that shit, we would have had no chance to land a super executive like Lloyd Grohl to run operations.

I only hope that I live another 40-50 years so that those who are young now at least have a small idea of how great things used to be when, like mafia families, studio heads would be willing to kill in order come out on top.

The FBI has a file cabinet full of all the things my father and uncles did in order to survive in early Hollywood. (The FBI needed an entire warehouse to store the files on Louis B. Mayer!)

Those days are gone and things are very passive-aggressive and “nice” in Hollywood. On the outside, everyone appears to be happy for everyone else’s success while they all kill themselves on the inside.

And that’s bullshit, man.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

March 12, 2013March 5, 2014

A Waste Of Time – SXSW Keynote Address – Khan Manka, Jr.

[The following is an unedited transcript of the keynote address to the SXSW Festival by Manka Bros. Chairman & CEO Khan Manka, Jr.]

March 12, 2013 – Austin Convention Center – Ballroom G

[Khan Manka, Jr. approaches a podium…]

Khan Manka, Jr.: Uh… Dave Grohl was supposed to introduce me – calm down, you idiots… Dave Grohl was supposed to introduce me but apparently he couldn’t pull himself away from the HTML5 panel “Making Your Band Much Cooler By Not Using Flash!”

[There are a few “HTML5 rocks” – and “Yeah!”]

Khan Manka, Jr.: That was a joke, jerk-offs. Whatever. I don’t really have much to say. I’ve been told to calm down on my speeches. The last few times I’ve given a keynote to one of these ridiculous events they ended in chaos. MIPCOM, Davos, Sun Valley, Bilderberg, CES, Comic-Con – even a commencement address at Beverly Hills High School went horribly wrong. So, on the order of my doctors, I’m going to keep things pretty calm. Can we just go to the first slide, please?

[FIRST SLIDE: Image – Manka Bros. Studios lot circa 1918.]

Khan Manka, Jr.: I normally don’t like to do slides but I was asked to stay on message – so this is the best way. Manka Bros. is celebrating its 101st anniversary this year. Based on size, it is the world’s largest media company. It is also the world’s oldest movie studio. Don’t let last year’s Universal and Paramount 100th Anniversary logos fool you – they are lying. They weren’t really incorporated in 1912 – only Manka Bros. was. Universal and Paramount were nothing but cross-breeding dairy farms in 1912. You can Wikipedia that shit if you want.

[Silence.]

Khan Manka, Jr.: I can see you’re already glazing over. It’s tough when you go from what used to be a pretty fun movies/music/interactive festival where everyone was drunk and eating barbecue – to today where you stare at a comic on a Samsung crap-ass phone in the Verizon Celebrity Douche Lounge while you collect a bunch of crap in a biodegradable bag that will sit in a closet in your house untouched until you eventually throw it away.

[The audiences is more audible. More fidgeting noises.]

Khan Manka, Jr.: Don’t get me wrong. It’s a great life you have – you’re all self-proclaimed hipsters, you go from festival to festival like modern day Deadheads. Why live life when you can go to arts festivals and talk about the life you will lead once you get home from the festival? But, of course, you never get home – or if you do, it’s just to recover until the next festival. It’s a great fucking life.

[A guy in a suit approaches Khan and whispers something in his ear.]

Khan Manka, Jr.: OK OK OK. I’ve been told by my handlers to get back on message. Jump past the historical slides and get to the meat.

[Another slide reads: The Digital Transition]

Khan Manka, Jr.: The single most important issue in Hollywood these days is the digital transition. Basically, we need you assholes to buy digital movies. Stop buying DVDs – stop using Redbox! Re-purchase your entire movie collection from the cloud. Get it? If you don’t, we’re in deep shit. Do you want the movie studios to go out of business, you fuckers?! It’s really the only thing you aspire to – a real movie deal from a real movie studio. You’re lying if you say you just want to make “important” little digital movies on a iPad that the studios don’t have the balls to make. So buy digital movies to keep your pathetic dreams alive. Capische?

[Dave Grohl arrives. The crowd goes crazy.]

Khan Manka, Jr.: Well well well – look who decided to show up? Hey, Dave, could you go back to 2003 and introduce me when you were interesting?

[Dave Grohl lunges at Khan Manka, Jr. A Security Guard smacks Grohl easily to the ground. He starts to cry like a toddler. That blonde, skinny drummer guy runs up to assist Grohl. He attacks Khan Manka, Jr. as well – but the Security Guard backhands him to the floor. The crowd turns on Khan Manka, Jr. – throwing officially licensed tchotchkes at the stage.]

Khan Manka, Jr.: Those were the only hits the Foo Fighters have had in a while, right? Am I fucking right, you morons?

[With that, Khan Manka, Jr. is ushered off the stage.]

[END OF TRANSCRIPT]

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company