Wow, Shocking News: Elderly Viewers Keep Ancient Tradition Alive at ‘The Masters’

In a surprising turn of events that has left the sports world collectively scratching its head, it seems that there are still enough old folks hobbling around with golf clubs to keep “The Masters” tournament afloat.

Despite the constant march of time and the relentless onslaught of youth-centric culture, this annual gathering of the geriatric elite somehow manages to cling to relevance like a rusty old putter.

Year after year, we’re treated to the sight of senior citizens in garish polyester pants and sun visors shuffling across meticulously manicured lawns, swinging their clubs with all the grace and agility of a herd of tranquilized elephants. It’s a spectacle that would be quaint if it weren’t so utterly absurd.

While other sports are busy celebrating the raw power and athleticism of youth, “The Masters” boldly bucks the trend by showcasing the slow, methodical pace of aging. Forget about adrenaline-pumping action or jaw-dropping feats of athleticism; here, the most exciting moment is when someone manages to make it through 18 holes without needing a hip replacement.

But hey, who needs excitement when you have tradition, right? Because nothing screams “timeless sporting event” quite like a bunch of septuagenarians puttering around in golf carts, desperately trying to remember where they left their dentures.

Of course, we can’t talk about “The Masters” without mentioning the hallowed green jacket, the sartorial equivalent of a participation trophy for rich old men. Because nothing says “prestigious sporting event” quite like a garment that looks like it was stolen from Mr. Rogers’ closet.

And let’s not forget about the fans – or should I say, fan? Because let’s face it, the only people tuning in to watch “The Masters” are retirees who fell asleep halfway through and woke up thinking they accidentally stumbled onto a rerun of “Antiques Roadshow.”

But hey, who are we to judge? If a bunch of old fogeys want to spend their twilight years chasing a tiny white ball around a meticulously landscaped garden, who are we to stand in their way? After all, it’s not like they have anything better to do – like, say, tackling the real issues facing society or contributing something meaningful to the world.

So here’s to you, “The Masters” golf tournament – may you continue to defy logic, relevance, and the inevitable march of time for years to come. Because as long as there are old people with too much time and money on their hands, there will always be a place for you in the annals of sporting history – right next to shuffleboard and lawn bowling.

I’ll talk at you later…

AARP, Afghanistan, aging, Alf Landon, All In The Family, Andy Rooney, Antonio ( "El Bailarín" ) Ruiz Soler, Arbys, Archie bunker, Ari Emanuel, Art LInkletter, Ben Silverman, bleeding from the ass, brown spot on stomach, cannibalism, Carmen Amaya, Charles de Gaulle, Chiang Kai-Shek, Chinese Civil War, CNN, colon bleeding, colostomy bag, Communists, Confucius, Ding Dong Ditch 'em, dope smoking, Douglas Macarthur, East Lansing, east lansing, Edgard de Larminat, El Farruco, elephant toilet, Erich Von Manstein, Flamenco, Flaming bags of manure, Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, Friendship 7, Garrison Keillor, George Burns, George Herbert Walker Bush, Iraq, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, John Glenn, José Greco, Joseph de Goislard de Monsabert, Juan Manuel ( "El Farruquito" ) Fernández, Khan Manka, korean war, Korean War, La Argentina, La Argentinita, la trucha, lansing state journal, Lawrence Welk, Lester, lester aldrich, Lew Wasserman, Maginot Line, manka bros., Manka Bros., Mercury Atlas 6, Michigan, octogenarian, Octogenarian Revolution, old man blog, Paul Harvey, Rupert Murdoch, Satan, Seven Plagues of the Bible, Spain during World War 2, Sumner Redstone, Terry Semel, those damn kids, Those Damn Kids, VFW Hall, Vicente Escudero, Vietnam War, World War 2, World's largest Media CompanyLester Aldrich – Those Damn Kids

You Know You’re Getting Old When You Start Bleeding From The Ass

YOU KNOW YOU’RE GETTING OLD WHEN YOU START BLEEDING FROM THE ASS

Don’t fret, idiots, that’s not the subject of my column today – as always, it’s THOSE DAMN KIDS!

However, when I am bleeding from the ass (e.g., this morning), my hatred of those damn kids grows tenfold!  The picture of the elephant on the toilet is not meant to amuse you – it’s to educate you about my daily battle with the toilet.

Let me know give you a little insight into my day.  I get up at 4:30am and will have read the entire Lansing State Journal rag by the time most of the goddamned pipsqueaks on my block have crawled out of bed and had their first bowl of frutti-tutti flakes.

Every morning, me and Mrs. Aldrich sit on our porch and watch dumbfounded as those little jerks scrape dogshit off their sneakers and onto my lawn.

The vicious cycle starts with the parents of those little Hitlers.  Wine swilling, middle class asshole who let their little yap dogs (with their craps the size of Lake Michigan) shit on my sidewalk without cleaning it up.  Come rain or shine, those damn kids step in it every morning, then they say “ewww,” scrape it on my lawn then skip off to school so they can learn how to piss on the flag.

It doesn’t matter if it’s on a day when my ass is bleeding or not – IT DRIVES ME FUCKING CRAZY!!!

But don’t cry for me.  As long as I have blood in my veins and bullets in my gun, I’ll always have the upper hand against THOSE DAMN KIDS!

I’ll talk at you another time…

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I Don’t Give A S**T About Golf Anymore!

Brooks Koepka – Champion – So Proud

Hello…

This post is not about Those Damn Kids, I’ll get back to that soon enough. Snotty Scotty has been a terror – more on that next time.

This is about the loss in my life of one of the great passions of my life – watching professional golf.

When the Saudis started a rival league to compete directly with the PGA and a few name golfers decided to join up, shunning the organization that gave them everything they have in their life (the PGA), I said good riddance.

The those idiots in the middle east want to give a 55-year-old Phil Mickelson $100 million dollars to shoot 75 round-after-round – fine. Have a great life, Phil.

Phil Mickelson – Choke

You’re the one that has to live with the fact that you’re taking money from a government who harbored terrorists that flew planes into the World Trade Center and the Pentagon and has no problem chopping up a journalist (Jamal Khashoggi, let’s not forget his name) in their own Embassy (and were not penalized, but rewarded, – but I digress).

Same Organization Funded Both Things

So… that, for me, was already a lot to take in. But, seriously, who gives a fuck about Phil Mickelson and the greatest choker in major golf history – Greg Norman.

Greg Norman – Choke

But then a couple of weeks ago, Brooks Koepka, smug asshole that he is,  (another one who took the $100 million from the Saudis  – just to play – not even to win!) was allowed to play in the PGA Tournament. That alone felt like treason. But then, he actually won the damned thing!

Brooks Koepka – Champion – So Proud

Shit, man, I was livid.

I actually threw my walker at the television after that final putt.

My wife wasn’t around so I had to crawl out of my chair to retrieve my walker. I’ve said it before – it sucks to get old. Something I can’t wait for Those Damn Kids to experience in about sixty years or so.

And now… the ultimate Judas kiss.

The PGA – and it nearly kills me just to write it – and the LIV “Terrorist” League are going to MERGE!

TO MERGE!

All those golfers like Tiger and Rory,  who could have a much higher payday from the Saudis, but decided that they couldn’t be bought and stayed loyal to the PGA, essentially, got screwed.

Phil Mickelson gets $100 million to shoot 75, Tiger and Rory, get bupkis.

Tiger Woods – Rory Mcilroy

So, I’m done with professional golf.  If there is a college tournament on TV, something that is still untainted (don’t laugh at my naivete) – then maybe I’ll watch.

The PGA has broken a lot of Americans hearts today.

Everything is not about money.

Just because someone is paying you a billion dollars to look the other way doesn’t mean you have to take it.

Fuckers.

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Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

I Completely Agree With Marshall Mathers!

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Lester Aldrich, Those Damn Kids, Donald Trump, Marshall Mathers, Eminem

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Lester Aldrich, Those Damn Kids, Donald Trump, Marshall Mathers, Eminem

As a country, we have been walking on eggshells for 9 months. It has to stop!

I’m 88-years-old and everyday something new happens to further break apart our once great country.

What is coming out of that White House every day is appalling and criminal and it is eating away at millions of Americans like a cancer.

People are afraid to look at the news. People are drinking more. People are getting sicker. People are driving aggressive like maniacs because everyone is stressed because it’s ALL TOO MUCH – AND IT HAS TO STOP!

Marshall Mathers did a great service to his country by fighting back with his words. His violent, angry words that had to be said. He’s a good Michigan boy and has done a lot of great things for this state. He just did one more.

Thank you, Marshall.

The clown in chief is ruining our country! STOP HIM OR IT TRULY WILL BE TOO LATE.

I wrote a blog 2 years ago that I completely regret – because 2 years ago there was no chance in Hell that Donald Trump would become President.

So I wrote that American Needs Donald Trump to become President because… (as I wrote): He will be so horrible as a President that by 2020, Americans will do anything to reclaim their God given right to change things through the voting booth.

I never predicted it would be this bad. We don’t have until 2020.

Please listen to Marshall Mathers’ words and do something!

I’ll (hopefully) talk at you later…

AARP, Alf Landon, Arbys, Ari Emanuel, Ben Silverman, cannibalism, CNN, east lansing, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, korean war, lester aldrich, manka bros., Michigan, octogenarian, those damn kids, World's largest Media Company, Paul Harvey, Art LInklletter, Lawrence Welk, Garrison Keillor, Andy Rooney, Douglas MacarthurLester Aldrich – Those Damn Kids

Greece – Before and After The Referendum

There is great concern in Greece about the Referendum on whether to stay in the Eurozone or exit.

I actually know exactly what will happen and how things will change. Nothing much will happen and nothing much will change.

If the majority votes “Yes,” expect to see this:

 

If the majority votes “No,” expect to see this:

 

I’ll talk at you next week…

lester_aldrich_alone_featuredLester Aldrich – Those Damn Kids

America Needs Donald Trump To Become President

Good afternoon from Michigan.

I’m 88-years-old and really falling apart. I may not even make to the 2016 Election (especially with Those Damn Kids running around on my grass, dropping their crappy chocolate ice cream in Mrs. Aldrich’s flowers and peeing all over my car just after I had it washed – this just all in the last hour!).

They know my hands shake too bad to load my gun with bullets – but one day I’ll get one in the chamber and there will be one less damn kid to ruin my life.

But I digress…

This isn’t about me or my colostomy bag, this is about the future of America and why we need Donald Trump to become President of the United States.

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Lester Aldrich, Those Damn Kids, Donald Trump, POTUS 2016, Hillary Clinton, Jeb BushElections are bullshit.

No one votes anymore.

We had a local election in Lansing a couple of months ago and less than 2% percent voted. There were more volunteers at the polling stations than there were voters.

Donald Trump will change that.

He will be so horrible as a President that by 2020, Americans will do anything to reclaim their God given right to change things through the voting booth.

But if we have another stale boring Presidential race and someone like Jeb Bush or Hillary Clinton becomes President, by 2020 no one will ever want to vote again.

I know I previously said Hillary Clinton will crush anyone who opposes her – and this is still true.

But maybe a village idiot like Donald Trump being elected President would really show us all how ridiculous our democracy has become.

So please, vote for Donald Trump for President – he’s the worst choice in the history of our country and the one we really need right now.

He actually said in his announcement that he would save America if he were elected – that’s one thing he was absolutely right about.

Here’s his Presidential Announcement (a must watch):

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q_q61B-DyPk

I’ll talk at you later…

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Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Lester Aldrich, Those Damn Kids, Donald Trump, POTUS 2016, Hillary Clinton, Jeb Bush

 

 

Hillary Clinton Will Crush Anyone Who Opposes Her

Good afternoon.

First, I must admit, I was wrong last week when I said “Hillary Is Toast.” For some reason, I forgot all about the Clinton political machine (how could anyone forget that?).

There is no doubt – Hillary Clinton will win the Presidential election in 2016 and be our country’s first female President.

Fox News knows this is true and is already working on a new strategy:

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Those Damn Kids, Lester Aldrich, Hillary Clinton, emailgate, Benghazi, 2016 Presidential Election

I’ll talk at you later…

Lester Aldrich – Those Damn KidsManka Bros. Studios

P.S. – People have been writing me to get back to my normal blogging topics – “Those Damn Kids” in my neighborhood and my health issues. I promise I will do that and leave the politics to the experts.

 

Hillary Clinton Is Toast

Let’s make one thing clear: Hillary Clinton would have been President of the United States.

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Those Damn Kids, Lester Aldrich, Hillary Clinton, Chris Christie, Jeb Bush, Emailgate

But – and I hate to say it – now she will never be President of the United States.

Chris Christie has a better chance of being President and he has ZERO CHANCE.

The American people are going to turn on Hillary just like they turned on Brian Williams and Bill Cosby (not in the same ballpark – he’s a rapist after all!) [lawyer’s note: ‘alleged rapist’].

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Those Damn Kids, Lester Aldrich, Hillary Clinton, Chris Christie, Jeb Bush, Emailgate

It’s a matter of trust and we no longer trust Hillary Clinton, Brian Williams or Bill Cosby (and if I was woman in a room with and he offered me a drink… Jesus H. Christ – he was BILL COSBY – a huge star – most of those woman probably would have had sex with him in the regular way – which is why he is a sick psychopath) [lawyer’s note: ‘alleged sick psychopath’]

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Those Damn Kids, Lester Aldrich, Hillary Clinton, Chris Christie, Jeb Bush, Emailgate, Bill Cosby 1969I don’t know why Hillary decided not to use her State Department email account. Maybe it was just easier on her Blackberry to use one email account for personal and work business and didn’t like switching back and forth.

It doesn’t really matter because now, no matter the reason, we suspect she was hiding something or wanted to be able to delete certain items after she sent them.

This is a shame because the Democrats have nothing now.

Hillary still might be the nominee but Democrats today are a lot less excited about her prospects.

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Those Damn Kids, Lester Aldrich, Hillary Clinton, Chris Christie, Jeb Bush, EmailgateRepublicans will not let this go – much like Benghazi – and Hillary will be brought to her knees with accusations and questions and she’ll never get a chance to campaign effectively.

So – we’re probably going to have President Jeb Bush.

I’d better start stocking up on my pills.

I’ll talk at you later…

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P.S. – Maybe Al Gore will give it another go – but I’d hate to see him lose to two Bush’s. Well, he didn’t actually LOSE the first one – but I digress…

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Those Damn Kids, Lester Aldrich, Hillary Clinton, Chris Christie, Jeb Bush, Emailgate, Al Gore Concession

Yemen Theme Park Is A Horrible Idea

As an independent contractor at Manka Bros. Studios (which claims to be the World’s Largest Media Company), I am shocked and disgusted at the plan to build a Manka Fun Park in Yemen.

Here is the disturbing announcement:

I have been proud of my years at Manka Bros. and the writing I have accomplished – but this theme park must NOT BE BUILT.

Not only is it a terrible business decision – it is a terrible moral decision.

If the Manka Fun Park Yemen ever opens its gates, I will cut my ties with the company and go work for Disney Blogs.

AARP, Alf Landon, Arbys, Ari Emanuel, Ben Silverman, cannibalism, CNN, east lansing, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, korean war, lester aldrich, manka bros., Michigan, octogenarian, those damn kids, World's largest Media Company, Paul Harvey, Art LInklletter, Lawrence Welk, Garrison Keillor, Andy Rooney, Douglas MacarthurLester Aldrich – Those Damn Kids

 

The Open Championship Is My Super Bowl!

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Lester Aldrich, Those Damn Kids, The Open Championship, Rory McIlroy, Dick Shepherd, Tom Watson, Tiger Woods, Snotty ScottyThose damn kids on my block always seem to know when and how to junk up my day.

I get up at 5:00 am every morning.

I suck some oatmeal through a straw because my teeth can’t chew anymore.

I do the crossword.

I read the news on the internet because except for the crossword, newspapers are old news.

But this morning and every morning through this weekend I am getting up at 4:00 am to watch my favorite sporting event – The Open Championship.

On these four days, I don’t care if planes are getting shot out of the sky by Russians or if Israel launches a ground invasion into Gaza.

I just want to watch The Open Championship!

Mrs. Aldrich turns on the TV for me. She liquified some strawberries and poured me a nice big glass of vodka.

I was ready for five hours of peace and enjoyment.

But, apparently, those damned mucky kids were also up and running around the the neighborhood drunk from some all night party.

They were vomiting on my lawn, fighting on my lawn, throwing eggs at my house and, in general, making me wish I was living in eastern Ukraine.

There were THUMPS and SCREAMS and there was nothing I could do.

I called the police but in East Lansing, that doesn’t really get anywhere. They don’t come for loud noise… only murder… but not for a while.

I told them that was a real possibility if those damn kids didn’t shut their yaps and go home.

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Lester Aldrich, Those Damn Kids, The Open Championship, Rory McIlroy, Dick Shepherd, Tom Watson, Tiger Woods, Snotty Scotty
I am choosing not to show images of Those Damn Drunken Kids

While I’m dealing with the noise and waiting on the phone, Rory McIllroy is having an incredible round with some incredible shots.

Tom Watson is, once again, playing for us old guys.

And Tiger Woods is in the hunt. (After Round 2 strike the above comment.)

I sent Mrs. Aldrich outside to try to deal with the situation, but she came back quickly to get some water to put out a bag of flaming shit that she could see outside on the doorstep.

That was it!

Snotty Scotty and his drunken terrorists were finally going to meet their maker.

I was going to kill them, finish watching the 1st round of The Open Championship and then call the police to tell them there has been a justified killing.

Just as was going to get my gun, there was a knock at the door.

If this was ding dong ditch ’em, and I open that door and no one is there, the whole neighborhood is going up in flames. I’ll burn it all down.

Standing in the doorway was my old friend Dick Shepherd – looking worse than ever. Dick has 1/4 of a lung, one working eye, half a tongue and various other horrible ailments.

He had stomped out the flaming poop and there was no one to be seen on my lawn. Just some leftover mess that Mrs. Aldrich will clean up later.

“Dick, what the Hell? Where are those damn kids that were out here?”

“I dragged one off your lawn. There are two passed out drunk on the street.”

“But what are you doing here?”

“It’s The Open Championship – I brought a bottle of vodka.”

Good ol’ one eye, half tongue Dick. I could always count on him.

I’ll talk at you next week…

AARP, Alf Landon, Arbys, Ari Emanuel, Ben Silverman, cannibalism, CNN, east lansing, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, korean war, lester aldrich, manka bros., Michigan, octogenarian, those damn kids, World's largest Media Company, Paul Harvey, Art LInklletter, Lawrence Welk, Garrison Keillor, Andy Rooney, Douglas MacarthurLester Aldrich – Those Damn Kids

P.S. – Rory McIlroy is leading after the 1st round at -6.