Chairman's Blog – Page 11 – Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO

July 5, 2011July 8, 2011

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – Day 1

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Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference 2011

DAY 1 – TUESDAY AFTERNOON UPDATE:

My plane landed safely at Friedman Airport. I was picked up on the tarmac by a self-driving Google car. This scared the shit out of me, especially when I sat in the back and was greeted with a video of Sergey Brin asking me “Where do you want to go today, Khan?” I told the Sergey screen to take me immediately to The Drankin’ Hole at the Sun Valley Lodge. The Google car performed pretty well in mid-day traffic (Idaho traffic) – though the small talk conversation with the Sergey video screen was a little forced.

I am now safely at The Drankin Hole and have ordered two dirty martinis from my favorite bartender in the world – Bin Tran. Philippe Dauman is at the other end of the bar talking to himself. I don’t want to interrupt.

———————————————————————————————

DAY 1 – TUESDAY MORNING

Good morning.

OK, so I decided (after a couple of long, late night conversations with Sumner Redstone) that I would attend Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference again this year.

After last year’s conference (an absolute drunken freak fest), I vowed never to attend again. On top of that, I’m still recovering from my horrifying keynote address to the Bilderberg Conference last month in Switzerland.

But then I received Herb’s child-like invitation a few weeks ago (see left) – and it was so charming, like a 3-year-old’s birthday party invitation – that I started to change my mind.

Believe me, a child-like mentality is what is necessary for a conference like this. It’s all bullshit, you know, and if you don’t come in with an absolute open mind, what’s the point of any of it, right?

Sumner will not be attending and that makes me a little sad but, deep down, that’s fine because I’m fairly young (in mogul years) and don’t want to be linked with that dinosaur forever. I mean, Rupert is bad enough – put Rupert and Sumner together and it’s time to break out the knitting shawls and crank up the heat.

The other night Sumner was talking about how great Cinemascope was and I just had to get off the phone. Dig up Carl Laemmle or my dad if you want to talk about that shit, old man. Leave me out of it. I’m into digital now, loser.

But I digress…

So, yes, I am heading up to Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference and will be posting updates as much as I possibly can – depending on my state of inebriation.

I feel it is my duty as Chairman & CEO of the World’s Largest Media Company to attend this very important conference (at least in Herb’s mind) for the sake of my stockholders and board of directors.

I’ve been told to bring comfortable clothes, really good workout shoes and as many Dramamine as I can fit in my bag. I’m not sure what that last order meant – but I’ll abide it all the same – Herb is God up there and you don’t want to fuck with God.

So, another Sun Valley fest is upon us. May Herb have mercy on us all.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

July 2, 2011July 3, 2019

Manka Bros. Acquires ‘Red Dot’ From Kodansha

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Herb Allen's Sun Valley Conference 2013, Sun Valley Lodge, Bin Tran, Vin Tran, Lee S Ainslie III, Yousef Al Otaiba, Hans-Holger Albrecht, Paul G Allen, James Anderson, Marc Andreessen, Michael Angelakis, Tim Armstrong, Nikesh Arora, Neil M Ashe, Emilio Azcarraga, Manvinder S Banga, Lionel Barber, Craig R Barrett, Willow Bay, Andreas Bechtolsheim, Marc Benioff, Jeffrey Berg, James Berkus, Michael S Berman, Mark Bertolini, Gary Bettman, Jeff Bewkes, Jeffrey P Bezos, Aneel Bhusri, The Right Honorable Tony Blair, Gregory R Blatt, Anthony H Bloom, Michael R Bloomberg, Steven R Boal, Scott A Bommer, Cory A Booker, Jeffrey H Boyd, Sergey Brin, Glenn Britt, Tom Brokaw, Michael J Brown, Howard G Buffett, Susie Buffett, Warren Buffett, John Burbank, Stephen Burke, Erin Burnett, Ursula Burns, John E Bush, Jeanie Buss, John A Canning Jr., Chase Carey, Wences Casares, Mark Casey, Kenneth Chenault, Peter Chernin, Brian Chesky, Richard Chilton, Chris Christie, Lewis Cime, Adriana Cisneros, Gustavo Cisneros, Vittorio Colao, Timothy Collins, Patrick Collison, Timothy Cook, Anderson Cooper, David Corkins, Delos Cosgrove, Dick Costolo, Cristian Croitoru, Henry Crumpton, Jose Luis Cutrale, Will Danoff, Philippe Dauman, Christopher Davis, Alfonso de Angoitia, John DeGioia, Diego Della Valle, Brian Demain, Andre Desmarais, David DeVoe, Feroz Dewan, William DeWitt, Barry Diller, Daniel Doctoroff, Jonathan Dolgen, John Donahoe, Jack Dorsey, Michael Duke, Mathias Dopfner, David Ebersman, Wesley Edens, Marvin Edwards, Eric Eisner, Michael Eisner, John Elkann, Thomas Evans, Randel Falco, Jose Antonio Fernandez, Michael Ferror, Niall W. A. 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This morning, we made a very exciting announcement (Press Release) that will be a huge boost to our Manka Kids and MC Comics divisions.

We purchased ‘Red Dot’ – the wildly popular Manga character (now a “Manka” character – ha ha) from Kodansha, Ltd. – for $300 million.

I realize that is a shit load of money for a little red dot that doesn’t really do anything – but I have been assured that this is a very popular character with the kids (especially boys 9-14). So the acquisition price will seem like peanuts in the long run.

Many of you are probably wondering how this acquisition came about so quickly.

For one thing, I am very good friends with Kodansha President Sawako Noma. She would probably hate that I’m telling you all this, but we used to date in the early 1980s.

At the time, Japanese companies were buying up a lot of American companies (thank you Ronald Reagan) and she came over to the studio to ‘kick the tires’, if you will. I won’t go into details but to say that she ‘kicked the tires’ for two straight hot weeks (including an unforgettable weekend in Vegas). But then she was recalled to Japan by her family and that was that. They didn’t buy the studio. My heart was broken.

Life hasn’t been the same since.

So welcome Red Dot to the Manka Bros. Family of Characters!

I really don’t get why it’s popular. It’s just a stupid red dot that anyone can draw – but I’m not a 9 year old boy.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

June 9, 2011June 10, 2011

Bilderberg Conference – Khan Manka, Jr. Keynote Address

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[The following is a transcript of Khan Manka, Jr.’s keynote address to the 2011 Bilderberg Conference in St. Moritz, Switzerland. Mr. Manka insisted a word-for-word translation be put up on the blog. While physical and legal threats against our lives and livelihoods have been made, we will do as Mr. Manka has asked. His speech is presented here in its entirety. – Signed Anonymous]

Khan Manka, Jr. – Bilderberg Conference – Keynote Address – June 9, 2011

Lionel Richie is finishing a rousing final chorus to “All Night Long”. The gathered group of men [and maybe one woman – it’s hard to say] are dancing with abandon in the cavernous Suvretta House hotel bomb shelter.

As Lionel Richie exits the stage and cocktail refills are being served by hooded waiters, Bilderberg Steering Committee Chairman Etienne Davignon comes out to the microphone.

Chairman Davignon (in English): Thank you so much, Lionel Richie. Would it have killed you to play “Brick House”?

(Big laughs from the room.)

Chairman Davignon: I have a real treat for my powerful friends here today. When you think about the media and entertainment landscape in the world, you have to start with Manka Bros. Studios. Not only are they the world’s largest media company, one would argue they are also the most influential in terms of how the people of the world spend their leisure time. Under great logistical stress, we were able to get Mr. Khan Manka, Jr. here today at the conference.

(Spontaneous applause and some dinging on champagne glasses.)

Chairman Davignon: You can read Mr. Manka’s biography in the handout on the back table by the cheese platter. What I will say is he has been the Chairman & CEO of Manka Bros. Studios for 35 years now and I’m sure he has seen it all. Gentlemen and Lady, I present Mr. Khan Manka, Jr.

(Applause. The piano theme music to “Eyes Wide Shut” plays over the speakers.)

Khan Manka, Jr.: Thanks Chairman-I’m-not-sure-how-to-say-your-name-so-I-won’t-try…

(Big laugh.)

Khan Manka, Jr.: It was quite a surprise when I was awoken in the middle the night – in my bedroom – in my secured house – by a couple of Swiss goons talking through some sort of modulator box telling me I had been chosen to speak to the most powerful group of people in the world. I joked and said “Will I be talking into a mirror?”

(Big laugh.)

Khan Manka, Jr.: The goons didn’t get the joke, so I listened to them. They told me about this Bilderberg Conference in Switzerland which basically controls which way the Earth’s axis rotates. I had no idea people controlled that – especially a bunch of old white men in suits.

(Silence.)

Khan Manka, Jr.: I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m very familiar with shadowy, creepy cults. I have to do business with Scientologists for Christ’s sake! Am I right?

(Uncomfortable shuffling and a lone ‘gasp’.)

Khan Manka, Jr.: I know you didn’t ask me here to call you a bunch of ‘creeps’. So I’ll just get on to my prepared remarks. As I was flying over here from L.A. (in a blacked out jet, I might add), I was given the guest list of the conference attendees. Frankly, I don’t know who the fuck any of you are – but you must be powerful – and you must be influential or you wouldn’t be sitting in a hotel bomb shelter figuring out which way the world turns… literally.

(There are a few ‘boos’ and much chattering in the audience.)

Khan Manka, Jr.: I spoke at Davos last year, maybe I met a few of you then, but we were all so drunk it’s hard to remember anything, right? The only person I recognize here is Peter Thiel – a venture capitalist who hit the lottery with a couple of those nutty internet investments. So I guess that makes you powerful, eh, Peter? Peter has a new foundation that encourages college students to drop out of school. I didn’t need a foundation like that, Peter. I dropped out on my own – so I could focus more on pot smoking and playing bongos on the beach. Am I right?

(Lionel Richie is pushed out onto the stage.)

Lionel Richie: “Brick House” is coming up – right after this speech! So wrap it up, Khan.

Khan Manka, Jr.: I don’t need some failed Commodore to come out and cut me off, all right? This happens almost every speech I give and I’m sick of it.

(A couple of black hooded Swiss goons quickly approach Mr. Manka.)

Khan Manka, Jr.: YOU WILL NOT DRAG ME OFF! You assholes don’t know anything about how the world works! You drink, you chase chambermaids – THAT’S RIGHT, I SAID IT! All of this bullshit – these conferences with caviar and champagne – and the world isn’t getting any better–!

(A solid wall of ‘boos’.)

Khan Manka, Jr.: Get your Goddamned hands off–! Hey, there’s Charlie Rose! What the fuck are you doing here? You’re not powerful. Hey, Charlie, help me–!

(The lights go out – the piano theme “Eyes Wide Shut” plays – there is a scuffle – a couple of shouts. The lights come back up. Lionel Richie is on stage. The opening notes of “Brick House” begin to play.)

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

June 8, 2011June 8, 2011

Content Is Still King – But Only BIG Content

big ideas, Bob Iger, Brad Grey, Disney, Dogme, film slate, Fox, Fox Searchlight, Khan Manka, Manka Bros., movie ideas, Paramount, Robin Rafe, Rupert Murdoch, Sony Pictures Classics, Steven Spielberg, superheroes, Terry Semel, World's Largest Media company

Good morning.

Today, before I go pound Slivovitz shots with the gamer geeks at E3 (more on that tomorrow), I am announcing – with the full cooperation of Robin Rafe – President of the Manka Bros. Theatrical Group – a complete strategy shift in the way Manka Bros. develops, produces and distributes films for all of the theatrical divisions (Manka Bros. Films, Manka Highbrow, Manka Dogme, Manka Docs, and Manka Shorts).

From today forward, we will only be producing movies with BIG IDEAS.

A guy trying to cure a disease in his basement is a small idea.

The moon landing is a small idea.

Saving the family farm? Not on my watch. If you want to save the fucking family farm – call Fox Searchlight or Sony Classics.

The Theatrical Group has been thinking small for too many years – and that changes today. For Christ’s sake, just look at the 2011 Slate for Manka Bros. Films! A movie about Sign Spinners? “My Autumn In Milan“? Are you fucking kidding me? (Though I must say, I do like our chances with the “Hey, Diddle Diddle” – you can’t go wrong with a fairy tale movie!)

So… this is your mandate.

BIG IDEAS.

I want ideas about saving galaxies and saving planets. Global wars. Boxing Presidents. Superheroes (but not mild-mannered ones – BIG SUPERHEROES WITH BIG IDEAS!). If X doesn’t do Y then the planet explodes! Shit like that.

I want Jesus to come back to the earth, read our scripts and say “Man, that’s a BIG idea!”

And I don’t want to hear any complaints from Manka Highbrow (your 2011 Slate is pathetic as well) or Manka Dogme.

Just because you’re low-budget arthouse labels doesn’t mean you can’t have BIG ideas. No more punks who don’t comb their hair and talk about how they don’t know what they want to do with their lives. You can be poor and have a big story – just look at Moses.

Get to work. If you need me, I’ll be drunk.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s LARGEST Media Company

May 24, 2011June 11, 2015

Rupert Murdoch’s Special Charity

Allen & Company retreat, Anne Mulcahy, Ari Emanuel, Barry Diller, Ben Silverman, Bob Iger, Bobby Kotick, Carol Bartz, Charlie Rose, Cory Booker, DumbDumb, Electus, Eric Schmidt, Erin Burnett, Gina Bianchini, Harvey Weinstein, Herb Allen, Herb Allen Sun Valley Conference, Herbert Allen, Jean-Bernard Levy, Jeff Bewkes, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jeffrey Immelt, Jerry Yang, John Donahue, Ken Auletta, Khan Manka, Lachlan Murdoch, Lady Gaga, Leslie Moonves, Lionel Barber, Lloyd Grohl, Manka Bros., Marc Andreessen, Marissa Mayer, Mark Pincus, Mark Zuckerberg, Martin Sorrell, Mathias Dopfner, Mike Bloomberg, Niall FitzGerald, Peter Chernin, Phillippe Dauman, Reid Hoffman, Richard Parsons, Ricky Van Veen, Rob Wiesenthal, Robert L. Johnson, Ron Meyer, Rupert Murdoch, Sergey Brin, Sheryl Sandberg, Steve Jobs, Sun Valley Retreat, Sun Valley Retreat 2010, Terry Semel, Tom Freston, Tom Friedman, Ursula Burns, Vivi Nevo, Warren Buffett, World's Largest Media Company

Rupert Murdoch hosted a charity benefit over the weekend in his North Hollywood apartment.

I was expecting a man of his wealth and power to have a nicer place in Los Angeles. He said keeping his living expenses down is the only reason he has stayed in business during the worst economy since the Dutch Tulip Bubble Burst in 1637.

We all agreed the Dutch Tulip Bubble Burst in 1637 was indeed a bleak time.

Rupert almost came to blows with Sumner Redstone after making a crack that Sumner had witnessed it first hand.

It’s fine to live in a crappy one bedroom apartment in the middle of one of the most crime-ridden, seedy neighborhoods in L.A. – but the cement block and plywood bookshelves were just too much to believe.

But we weren’t there for furniture, we were there for charity – and that was the important thing.

For many years, Rupert has been involved in the charity Moguls Find Lost Kittens (or M.I.L.K.). He started it after his son, Lachlan, lost his kitten, Joey, when he was 17 years old and wouldn’t stop crying, screaming and sucking his thumb.

Rupert vowed to find Joey and launched a charity in the process called Murdoch Finds Lost Kittens (also M.I.L.K.). (It was changed to “Moguls” after Jeffrey Immelt and Sumner Redstone heard about it and also wanted to get involved. Legend has it they both had traumatic childhoods that involved lost kittens.)

The party was okay. The food not bad. I didn’t realize it was BYOB so I had to bum a couple of beers from Sheryl Crow, who was the evening’s entertainment. There wasn’t room in the apartment for her band – so she just did a few songs on acoustic guitar.

After we all had some Doritos and cubes of cheddar cheese, Rupert stood in front of the crammed gathering in his living room. Most were sitting on the floor or the window sill. I got the couch because I had to put my foot up due to a flare up of my injured ankle.

Rupert waited for silence. Bob Iger was getting pretty drunk on the two bottles of 1997 Opus One that he brought [he didn’t share] and wouldn’t stop yakking about the Pirates of the Caribbean international box office. Okay, okay – it was good – shut the F up! You don’t hear me bragging about Manka Bros.’ successes.

When it was quiet, Sheryl Crow started to play softly on the guitar and Rupert held up a picture of a kitten: “This is Joey. In 1988, my son, Lachlan, lost this kitten and nearly committed suicide. I vowed on that day to find all the lost kittens of the world. It is a monumental task. A far bigger task than building a media empire. Everyone in this room knows how to do that. But we don’t know how to find all the lost kittens. Will you join me in this effort?”

Terry Semel and LinkedIn CEO Jeff Weiner were completely overcome with emotion and inconsolable.

In fact, we were all visibly moved. And we all got out our checkbooks.

Rupert Murdoch is a great friend. And a great man.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

May 19, 2011January 10, 2012

Social Networks Are Dead

Jeff Weiner, Nick Besbeas, Steve Cadigan, Mike Gamson, David Henke, Robby Kwok, Deep Nishar, Erika Rottenberg, Steve Sordello, Reid Hoffman, Allen Blue, Konstantin Guericke, Eric Ly, jean-Luc Vaillant, A George "Skip" Battle, Leslie Kilgore, Stanley Meresman, Michael J. Moritz, David Sze, Mark Zuckerberg, Sheryl Sandberg, Accel Partners, Ben Silverman, Bob Iger, Chris Hughes, David Kirkpatrick, Dustin Moskovitz, Eduardo Saverin, Gerald Levin, Greylock Partners, HBO, Jeff Bewkes, Jeff Zucker, Jill Kennedy, Joanna Shields, Jon Miller, Khan Manka, Li Ka-shing, Manka Bros., Mark Cuban, Mark Zuckerberg, Matt Cohler, MySpace, Nicolas Carlson, OnMedea, Owen Van Natta, Paul Buchheit, Peter Thiel, Rupert Murdoch, Sheryl Sandberg, Sumner Redstone, Toy Story 3

You social media punks make me sick!

It’s time for those of us in old media to fight back so we can return to making films and TV shows like the old days.

You people need to realize that fragmentation blows and loss of creative control for the studios sucks.

Manka Bros. has been entertaining the world for over 90 years and you don’t see people screaming and crying to buy our stock! It’s a fucked up system!

New media and all this social networking bull shit is really screwing with what we do best and I’ve had it!

So – LinkedIn had a splashy IPO and is now valued at around $10 billion. (UPDATE: Thank God Groupon and Zynga flopped!)

Considering the insignificance of this crappy little social network (“Next year we may have zero earnings! Whoo-hoo!”), I would peg Manka Bros.’ current valuation (regardless of our current stock price, goddamn it!) at around $1 trillion dollars!

Sounds crazy, right? But at least Manka Bros. makes stuff that people actually want.

Seriously, what the hell do you do on LinkedIn? Meet other people on LinkedIn? Send messages to strangers in the hope they will put you in their “network”?

In Hollywood, this is called stalking.

I have every message that is sent to me filtered by three people. Even someone like Bob Iger hardly ever gets through. I just can’t be bothered – I’M RUNNING THE WORLD’S LARGEST MEDIA COMPANY FOR CHRIST’S SAKE!

And if I need to hire someone (which I believe is a key function of LinkedIn), I will just bring in someone from my family or one my friends’ families. You think I’m going to hire someone from a website?

And if you Silicon Valley freaks keep trying to tell us in Hollywood how to run our businesses, me, Bob Iger, Rupert Murdoch and Sumner Redstone will shut the internet down and ship you nerds off to our MIS departments in Poland.

Or, even better, Manka Bros.’ ‘Facebook Killer’ (Caligula) will launch and make you all insignificant overnight! (We just have a few bugs to work out.)

So… to the newly-minted millionaires at LinkedIn, all I can say is ‘Congratulations and … SELL SELL SELL!’

To the future millionaires (and billionaires) at Facebook, Twitter, Groupon and all those other ridiculous websites, I say ‘good luck’ – I hope LinkedIn didn’t ruin it for the rest of you by manipulating the valuation so much that it scares off future investors.

And, finally, to all the strangers out there who would like to be my Friend on Facebook, please send me a request, I can’t wait to see pictures of the new baby.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

May 17, 2011May 17, 2011

Manka Bros. To Spend 2011 Profits On 2012 TV Upfront Presentation

2011 TV upfronts, Adam Townsend, Alan Greenberg, Angela Bromstad, Angeline Straka, Anthea Disney, Anthony G. Ambrosio, Ari Emanuel, Arnold Kopelson, Ben Silverman, Beryl Cook, Beverly Garland Holiday Inn, Blythe McGarvie, Brad Grey, Bruce Gordon, Carl Folta, Carnegie Hall, Charles Gifford, Charles Phillips, Chase Carey, David Devoe, David Poltrack, David R. Angelman, Dawn Ostoff, Debra Lee, DeDe Lea, Denise White, Doug Morris, Fred Salerno, Gary Countryman, Gary Ginsberg, Genie Gavenchak, George Abrams, Gil Schwartz, Jack Horner, James Barge, James Bombassei, James Murdoch, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jill Kennedy, John Nallen, Joseph Califano, Joseph Ianniello, Jr., Jr. Frederic Salerno, Judy McGrath, Julie Henderson, Kara Swisher, Kevin Reilly, Khan Manka, Lawrence Jacobs, Leonard Goldberg, Les Moonves, Linda Griego, Louis Briskman, Manka Bros., Martin Franks, Michael Fricklas, Michael Regan, Nancy Tellum, Nikki Finke, OnMedea, Philippe Dauman, Reed Nolte, Richard M. Jones, Robert Kraft, Roger Ailes, Rupert Murdoch, Shari Redstone, Sharon Waxman, Stephen McPherson, Sumner Redstone, Terry Semel, thewrap.com, Thomas Dooley, Tom Mockridge, Tony Santabarbara, Wade Davis, William Cohen, William Schwartz, World's Largest Media Company, Yankee Stadium

Good morning.

As many of you may already know, MBS announced its 2011-12 fall schedule this morning and, I must say, it was the singular most embarrassing morning of my entire life.

It was a stunningly pathetic display of star power and crappy content that no person (let alone the Chairman & CEO) should have had to witness.

While our competitors are at top notch venues like Madison Square Garden and Carnegie Hall with extremely elaborate presentations and big stars high-fiving each other, MBS announced its schedule via a press release from the Beverly Garland Holiday Inn in North Hollywood, CA.

In 2012, this will not be acceptable!

I am, therefore, announcing (during this week of 2011 upfront announcements) that the MBS’ 2012 Upfronts will be held at Yankee Stadium in New York. If this means we have to spend all of our 2011 profits to pay for this event… so be it!

I will NOT be embarrassed like this again!

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

Note To Shareholders: Because of this extreme event, Manka Bros. (NYSE: MBX) may have to cut its dividend for 2011.

May 5, 2011May 5, 2011

Manka Bros. Would Like To Offer Judy McGrath A Job

Adam Townsend, Alan Greenberg, Angeline Straka, Anthea Disney, Anthony G. Ambrosio, Ari Emanuel, Arnold Kopelson, Beryl Cook, Blythe McGarvie, Brad Grey, Bruce Gordon, Carl Folta, Charles Gifford, Charles Phillips, Chase Carey, David Devoe, David Poltrack, David R. Angelman, Debra Lee, DeDe Lea, Denise White, Doug Morris, Fred Salerno, Gary Countryman, Gary Ginsberg, Genie Gavenchak, George Abrams, Gil Schwartz, Jack Horner, James Barge, James Bombassei, James Murdoch, Jeff Weiner, Jill Kennedy, John Nallen, Joseph Califano, Joseph Ianniello, Jr., Jr. Frederic Salerno, Judy McGrath, Julie Henderson, Kara Swisher, Khan Manka, Lawrence Jacobs, Leonard Goldberg, Les Moonves, Linda Griego, Louis Briskman, Manka Bros., Martin Franks, Michael Fricklas, Michael Regan, Nikki Finke, OnMedea, Philippe Dauman, Reed Nolte, Richard M. Jones, Robert Kraft, Roger Ailes, Rupert Murdoch, Shari Redstone, Sharon Waxman, Sumner Redstone, Terry Semel, thewrap.com, Thomas Dooley, Tom Mockridge, Tony Santabarbara, Wade Davis, William Cohen, William Schwartz

So my old (understatement) friend Sumner Redstone has decided to let Judy McGrath “resign”.

What a dumb ass idiot mistake. His mind is really starting to fail him now.

Sumner used to let me know in advance when his senior executives were going to be leaving so that I could be first in line to poach them if I felt they would fit in at Manka Bros. But he’s been so focused on JWoww lately, he rarely even picks up the phone for me anymore (and this after I let him stay at my house after his divorce and came to his pathetic Christmas party!).

But I digress…

I have known Judy McGrath for well over 30 years. Before I was Chairman & CEO of Manka Bros. in the early 1970s (my asshole father Harry Manka was in charge then) she used to come hear my band King Khan play our regular gigs at the Starlite Lounge in North Hollywood. She was known to the band as Sweet Judy Blue Eyes (though I really don’t know what color her eyes are).

If I wasn’t forced to take over Manka Bros. after my father’s death who knows how great my band would have been. And with Judy McGrath going to MTV, we definitely would have had a video in high rotation! Goddamnit!

But I digress…

Anyway, so Judy, Manka Bros. would like to offer you a job. You can pretty much pick which division you would like to lead.

We currently have a President of our Television Group, Jay McBee, but he really sucks at his job and only has it because he won a random draw nationwide competition based on a code found underneath a Pepsi cap. Before winning, he worked at Radio Shack in Sioux City, IA. In the TV business that’s normally enough of a qualification, but Jay keeps finding new and more exciting ways to suck. It’s stunning really. So his job is definitely available if you’d like to stay in TV.

Or just peruse our Senior Management list and take your pick. Lloyd Grohl is the only one that is safe as far as I’m concerned.

Please call my assistant, Vicky Adler-Modry, to set up an appointment. Regardless of what you may have heard about Manka Bros.’ recent track record, there is still no better place to work than at the World’s Largest Media Company.

And we have free yogurt Fridays during the summer!

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

April 27, 2011July 8, 2021

Fishing With Barry Diller

Good afternoon.

I hope you are all enjoying your vacations. I mean, you can’t possibly be working because if you were MANKA BROS. WOULDN’T BE HAVING SUCH A HORRIBLE YEAR! If you are working, then you obviously suck at your job and should immediately quit for the good of the company!

Anyway…

Last weekend, I went fishing with Barry Diller up at Pyramid Lake (it’s a man-made lake about 60 miles up from Los Angeles off the I-5 freeway). It turns out, Barry likes to go there a lot. He has a little boat parked there in a shed.

I knew he was a wild man (from his Burning Mogul antics at the Herb Allen Mogul Retreat this year) but I had no idea he was such an outdoors man.

He picked me up on Saturday in his Toyota Tundra which was loaded down with a lot of supplies (fishing gear, cooler of beer [Coors], a little BBQ, a shotgun, some granola bars, etc.).

I don’t know the first thing about fishing. I went one other time in my life – a couple of years ago – at a daddy-daughter weekend in Aspen with some other media moguls. When Connie, my daughter, tried to cast out a fishing line, the hook got caught in my nose and pretty much did a full on Roman Polanski / Jack Nicholson nose rip from “Chinatown“.

I vowed never to fish or camp again.

But Barry Diller is very persuasive. He said he needed to get away from everything before heading back to New York for an IAC earnings call this week.

I suggested the Bacara Resort in Santa Barbara. He suggested a little row boat on Pyramid Lake.

Pyramid Lake is not your typical mogul hotspot. It’s mainly a place for drunken jet skiers from the Inland Empire.

The first thing I noticed as we drove up the I-5 was Barry’s taste in music. He is a huge Southern Fried Rock guy (Lynyrd Skynrd, the Outlaws, BTO, etc).

I had no idea. Maybe the drunken jet skiers from the Inland Empire were his cup of tea.

It took a while to get to the lake (he insisted on stopping to help a stranded motorist change a tire) but once we were there, it was surprisingly serene. Not too many rednecks. The weather was nice.

His boat – THE VON FURSTENBERG (neatly stenciled on the side) – is very small. It barely had enough room for two people. Throw in a cooler full of Coors and the fishing supplies and there was very little space to move.

Once we finally got out on the lake, Barry attempted to show me what to do but I had no interest at all. He pulled a Nightcrawler out of a can of worms and quickly baited his hook like a pro. He handed me the can and expected me to do the same.

“Fuck that,” I said. “Look, Barry, I just want to sit here, talk and drink beer. I’ll never go fishing again after today.”

Barry looked a little hurt, sighed, and deftly cast his own line into the lake. “I like to imagine different people when I stick the hook through the worm”, Barry said. You know, John Malone, Ben Silverman, Michael Eisner… it’s kind of like a fun game, you know?”

I immediately wanted to grab that can of worms and start sticking hooks into them – Jay McBee [stick], Robin Rafe, Ethan Rubidoux… all those in Manka Bros. senior management who suck at their jobs and deserve a sharp hook.

Suddenly, Barry’s line tensed and his rod started to bend – “Got one! Grab the net!”

I won’t go into any of the actual fishing details (there are people out there better than me to describe what happens when one fishes) other than to say we bagged that fish and eight more.

The rest of day we spent out on THE VON FURSTENBERG drinking the entire cooler of beer and talking about the digital transition and how it is affecting our companies. It was a nice day with an old friend. (Perhaps one day I’ll write about our digital transition conversation – it was really interesting and I think we solved the problem – or I’ll just have Jill Kennedy at OnMedea write about it.)

I don’t remember much about the rest of the trip but I would like to thank the Rolling Thunder Motorcycle Club for bringing me back home. I’m not sure how Barry got home – but he obviously made it back for his earnings call.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

April 21, 2011

Yemen Theme Park – Update

Good morning.

Many of you have no doubt been reading in the press about the attempted overthrow of the Yemeni President and wonder how that will affect the construction of the Manka Fun Park – Yemen – which is scheduled to open later this year.

I think as long as the protesters don’t destroy any Manka Bros. property (especially the new $5 million Camel Hump Roller Terror in 3D), I’m OK with it.

Getting this theme park built has been a nightmare and over the past few months we’ve really hit a lot of brick walls with the current regime and had to pay out way too many cartons of cigarettes in order to keep construction going. Perhaps new leadership on the side of the people will help expedite theme park construction.

So… after much thought and despite the imploring of other studio moguls, I have made my decision: EVEN DURING THIS TIME OF REVOLUTION, THE THEME PARK CONSTRUCTION WILL CONTINUE.

The people of Yemen have lived under a dictatorship for too long and deserve roller coasters and the All-New Broadway Re-Zoo starring Joey Levitch!

And, this is the right decision for Manka Bros. and its shareholders – because Yemen is a completely untapped market for Western-style entertainment. Bob Iger at Disney has been too busy concentrating on China and Disney Junior to realize where the real money is. Loser. We will have the Yemen market to ourselves.

Now if we can only get a fucking movie that makes money we’ll really be on a roll.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company