those damn kids – Page 2 – Those Damn Kids

July 17, 2014July 18, 2014

The Open Championship Is My Super Bowl!

Those damn kids on my block always seem to know when and how to junk up my day.

I get up at 5:00 am every morning.

I suck some oatmeal through a straw because my teeth can’t chew anymore.

I do the crossword.

I read the news on the internet because except for the crossword, newspapers are old news.

But this morning and every morning through this weekend I am getting up at 4:00 am to watch my favorite sporting event – The Open Championship.

On these four days, I don’t care if planes are getting shot out of the sky by Russians or if Israel launches a ground invasion into Gaza.

I just want to watch The Open Championship!

Mrs. Aldrich turns on the TV for me. She liquified some strawberries and poured me a nice big glass of vodka.

I was ready for five hours of peace and enjoyment.

But, apparently, those damned mucky kids were also up and running around the the neighborhood drunk from some all night party.

They were vomiting on my lawn, fighting on my lawn, throwing eggs at my house and, in general, making me wish I was living in eastern Ukraine.

There were THUMPS and SCREAMS and there was nothing I could do.

I called the police but in East Lansing, that doesn’t really get anywhere. They don’t come for loud noise… only murder… but not for a while.

I told them that was a real possibility if those damn kids didn’t shut their yaps and go home.

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Lester Aldrich, Those Damn Kids, The Open Championship, Rory McIlroy, Dick Shepherd, Tom Watson, Tiger Woods, Snotty Scotty — I am choosing not to show images of Those Damn Drunken Kids

While I’m dealing with the noise and waiting on the phone, Rory McIllroy is having an incredible round with some incredible shots.

Tom Watson is, once again, playing for us old guys.

~~And Tiger Woods is in the hunt.~~ (After Round 2 strike the above comment.)

I sent Mrs. Aldrich outside to try to deal with the situation, but she came back quickly to get some water to put out a bag of flaming shit that she could see outside on the doorstep.

That was it!

Snotty Scotty and his drunken terrorists were finally going to meet their maker.

I was going to kill them, finish watching the 1st round of The Open Championship and then call the police to tell them there has been a justified killing.

Just as was going to get my gun, there was a knock at the door.

If this was ding dong ditch ’em, and I open that door and no one is there, the whole neighborhood is going up in flames. I’ll burn it all down.

Standing in the doorway was my old friend Dick Shepherd – looking worse than ever. Dick has 1/4 of a lung, one working eye, half a tongue and various other horrible ailments.

He had stomped out the flaming poop and there was no one to be seen on my lawn. Just some leftover mess that Mrs. Aldrich will clean up later.

“Dick, what the Hell? Where are those damn kids that were out here?”

“I dragged one off your lawn. There are two passed out drunk on the street.”

“But what are you doing here?”

“It’s The Open Championship – I brought a bottle of vodka.”

Good ol’ one eye, half tongue Dick. I could always count on him.

I’ll talk at you next week…

Lester Aldrich – Those Damn Kids

P.S. – Rory McIlroy is leading after the 1st round at -6.

January 27, 2014January 27, 2014

The Terrorist Games of the 22nd Olympiad

You know we’re living in a crazy fucked up world when a victory for Russia is that no one gets killed during the Sochi Olympic games.

If terrorists do not strike, I can imagine Vladimir Putin shouting from the Caucasus Mountains: “See, I told you! Now please you to come to Russia for visit. We are safe!”

Yeah, fat chance, Pootie Poot.

The fact is, most people in the world will be very surprised if there isn’t at least one act of violence or terrorism during the games.

I personally believe there will be several acts of violence and probably a couple of countries will leave early because of it.

What’s the point of going there then?

I understand it for the athletes, they been training their entire young lives and this might be their only shot. If you’re a cross-country skier, you roll the dice at that point.

But why do we have to send Matt Lauer and Savannah Guthrie into the shit?

How many morning show hosts are we willing to sacrifice for sport? 15? 20?

Shame on you, NBC.

Send that guy that’s always in the flak jacket in Egypt. He can probably tell you what’s happening in the luge.

There’s no upside for Russia as host of these games. Why would anyone visit a place that needs 40,000 troops to protect you?

A million troops could probably protect South Sudan but you see them trying to host the Academy Awards or even a bowling tournament.

It’s such a joke.

Those Olympics venues will look like Sarajaveo’s in a couple of years with grass growing through what used to be a Curling arena or whatever.

I hear they have 40,000 troops guarding the Games.

That has to make one feel secure – 40,000 drunken Russian troops lusting after Polish ice dancers.

The goddamned Polish ice dancers never had a chance.

Oh, well, I’ll be watching.

I love the Olympics.

I’ll talk at you later…

Lester Aldrich – Those Damn Kids

P.S. – No report on Those Damn Kids this week – it’s too goddamned cold for even those little pissants to come out from their holes.

January 22, 2014January 22, 2014

Christie and McDonnell Nailed All The Seven Deadly Sins

Chris Christie, Lester Aldrich, Those Damn Kids, Bob McDonnell, 7 deadly sins, Warren Buffet, Carl Lewis, Mayor of Hoboken, Mayer of Ft. Lee

This has been a terrible year for two popular Republican Governors… Chris Christie and Bob McDonnell.

Both of their political lives are basically over… “allegedly” (I was told to say by the Manka Bros. lawyers).

There were actually certain people who thought one or both of them could have one day been President!

HA!

At this point, they have a better chance to earn $1 billion from Warren Buffet for picking a perfect NCAA Men’s Basketball Bracket (which is a 1 in a 3.8 trillion chance).

So, let’s run down the 7 DEADLY SINS and see how the great men from Virginia and New Jersey fared:

SIN #1 – LUST:

This is probably the one that no one in America cares about (at least not from these guys). They both obviously had a lust for power but most think of this one in a sexual context – so let’s just assume they had it and let’s try not to think about it any more.

SIN #2 – GLUTTONY:

I’m looking at Governor Christie mainly on this one (butter ain’t butter unless it’s deep fried!). Governor McDonnell obviously has a gluttony for wedding dinners but Governor Christie had a gluttony for everyone else’s dinner.

SIN #3 – GREED:

Governor McDonnell (and wife) – any questions? And Governor Christie’s greed for political endorsements was his undoing – though it’s hard to understand why anyone would be that stupid. As a comparison, Governor Christie easily wins the battle of Greed – like a foot race between Usain Bolt and Betty White.

SIN #4 – SLOTH:

Governor Christie – any questions? In general both men are guilty because they had no desire to cover their tracks. So lazy. Corruption in the digital age has never seen such sloth. How hard is it to hide the bullshit you are attempting to do?

SIN #5 – WRATH:

The wrath by Governor Christie on those who wouldn’t endorse him is (allegedly – HA!) certainly wrath – right, Carl Lewis, Mayor of Hoboken and Mayor of Ft. Lee?

SIN #6 – ENVY:

Both Governors really envy Air Force 1 and would have loved to have been in control of that son of a bitch. Alas, ain’t gonna happen.

Mrs. McDonnell, you really couldn’t wait to demand a Rolex with an inscription? In the words of the whore Julia Roberts from “Pretty Woman” – ‘BIG MISTAKE!’

SIN #7 – PRIDE:

Governor Christie had to boast about being the guy who put the cones down during #Bridgegate. If only that’s all you did. If you kept the bridge open, you may have been President of the United States. And if Bob McDonnell would have…

Nah – Bob McDonnell wouldn’t have been gum sweeper at a Presidential theme park no matter what he did – so I suppose he should have tried to get all the shit he could. He and his wife were just really sloppy.

The real tragedy is Chris Christie – his dreams are dead.

Lester Aldrich – Those Damn Kids

January 15, 2014January 18, 2014

Chris Christie Needs To Give Up

If I ever saw man who was never going to be President of the United States it is Chris Christie.

He just has no chance and should not take one more dollar from a person who wants to donate to his Presidential campaign.

If he had any dignity, he would realize that it’s all over, apologize and figure out what he’s going to do for the rest of his life.

Because he’s not going to be President – and will most likely not hold any elected office ever again.

That’s just the truth.

He reminds me of Those Damn Kids on my block who think they just do whatever they want – walk on my lawn, put burning bags of shit on my porch, toilet paper in my trees – and expect to get away with it.

He has about as much control over his staff as he does with his weight – zero.

Which is also the percentage chance he has to be President.

I’ll talk at you next week…

Lester Aldrich – Those Damn Kids

August 28, 2013

I Think My Medicine Is Making Me Sicker

Dr. Quack put me on a new pill the other day and it’s fucking up my life.

I’ve been crying like a baby girl and writing sentimental hogwash about the horrors of war.

I’ve been peeing my pants (more than normal) and sweating more than a Boston marathon bomber hiding in a boat in the backyard.

And worse of all, I’ve had no energy to scream at THOSE DAMN KIDS!

School started this week and my yard is already showing the effects. Those little pissants love to use my yard as a sidewalk and my shrubs as a trash bin. Walk in the street, ya little Hitler youths!

Now my hands are trembling.

Fuck this new pill. I am officially disobeying Dr. Quack.

I’ll talk at you next week (if I live that long).

Lester Aldrich – Those Damn Kids

March 27, 2013

Dick Shepherd

Dick Shepherd (left picture – 1943) came by the house last weekend and we watched golf and basketball on television.

Michigan State looks good and so does Tiger Woods (though I think if he gets close to breaking Sam Sneed’s record for most victories or Jack Nicholson’s record most major victories, someone should break Tiger’s hands).

Dick Shepherd – or ‘Shep’ as I call him – has been an acquaintance of mine for over 75 years. Neither one of us left the neighborhood after the war like so many others I used to know that are long since dead.

Shep moved to East Lansing in 1935 from Hawaii. And like everyone from that stupid “state,” he’s about as smart as a coconut. He’s got six stupid grandchildren that like to do stuff like hide his dentures and spray him with the hose.

Thank God it was cold outside – so Those Damn Kids from the neighborhood were most likely pissing all over the mall urinals and watching another two hours of Hollywood tripe.

This is not a complaint. I am grateful for the afternoon of peace from those little assholes.

But back to Shep. He’s got one kidney, half a tongue and a quarter lung left. Doctors say, once he gets down to an eighth of a lung, he can being the countdown to his death.

Shep’s looking forward to that countdown – aren’t we all.

He still smokes and chews tobacco at the same time.

Good ol’ Shep.

I’d put a current picture of Shep here – but I promised him I wouldn’t. There is absolutely no resemblance left of that young man up there.

So we’re watching this golf tournament and every one of the damn commercials is about retirement planning or erectile disorder. Is every man who watches golf impotent and in need of financial advice?

But the commercials on the Michigan State basketball game were about young men drinking and trying to have sex with young attractive women.

If those young men want to keep having sex with those young women, they had better watch more golf and figure out how to stay erect and plan for a strong financial future.

Or they’ll just end up like me.

I’ll talk at you next week…

Lester Aldrich – Those Damn Kids

February 8, 2013

Friday Nights Are Hell Around Here

Friday nights are Hell around here and God knows I’ve never been too high on abortions – but if it meant I would get one peaceful Friday night, I would have aborted every one of THOSE DAMN KIDS in the third trimester with the head sticking out!

Me and Mrs. Aldrich get back from Denny’s about 4:45 every Friday night (tonight was no exception). I like to have me a LaBatt’s or three to sort of wind down from the week of staring at the floor and wondering when I’ll just die.

Then the sun goes down and it all starts.

First comes the blaring of car horns and the high-pitch screaming as they pass by.

Do these stupid kids want the whole neighborhood to think they’re idiots?

Dick suckers so high on pot they can’t even drive straight!

About an hour later, when they think I’m asleep, comes the TP.

If those little squirts knew how scarce that stuff was during the war and what we had to use to wipe our butts, they’d think twice about throwing roll after roll all over my 100-year-old elm tree.

Then it’s shaving cream and flaming manure time.

Like clockwork, those sissymarys write unmentionable sayings all over my driveway and lawn then set a bag of shit on fire.

The retards then ring the bell to let me know what they’ve done.

I GODDAMNED KNOW WHAT YOU’VE DONE! YOU’VE RUINED MY GODDAMNED LAWN AND MY FRIDAY NIGHT IS WHAT YOU’VE DONE!

I swear to Jesus Christ, next time I’m calling the cops and bomb sniffing dogs! I’ve had it.

And every Saturday it takes Mrs. Aldrich half the day just clean all that crap up.

I’ll talk at you next week…

Lester Aldrich – Those Damn Kids

February 20, 2012February 20, 2012

When John Glenn Circled The Earth

AARP, Afghanistan, aging, Alf Landon, Andy Rooney, Antonio ( "El Bailarín" ) Ruiz Soler, Arbys, Ari Emanuel, Art LInkletter, Ben Silverman, bleeding from the ass, brown spot on stomach, cannibalism, Carmen Amaya, Charles de Gaulle, CNN, colon bleeding, colostomy bag, Ding Dong Ditch 'em, Douglas Macarthur, East Lansing, east lansing, Edgard de Larminat, El Farruco, elephant toilet, Erich Von Manstein, Flamenco, Flaming bags of manure, Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, Friendship 7, Garrison Keillor, George Burns, George Herbert Walker Bush, Iraq, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, John Glenn, José Greco, Joseph de Goislard de Monsabert, Juan Manuel ( "El Farruquito" ) Fernández, Khan Manka, korean war, Korean War, La Argentina, La Argentinita, la trucha, lansing state journal, Lawrence Welk, Lester, lester aldrich, Lew Wasserman, Maginot Line, manka bros., Manka Bros., Mercury Atlas 6, Michigan, octogenarian, old man blog, Paul Harvey, Rupert Murdoch, Satan, Seven Plagues of the Bible, Spain during World War 2, Sumner Redstone, Terry Semel, those damn kids, Those Damn Kids, VFW Hall, Vicente Escudero, Vietnam War, World War 2, World's largest Media Company

There’s not a man outside waiting to kill me if I step out of my house and there’s NOT a terrible flu virus killing off the old people of the world (Swine Flu is for pussies!).

The only problem, as I see it from my front porch in eastern Michigan, is THOSE DAMN KIDS!

Fifty years ago TODAY(!), when John Glenn circled the world in the Friendship 7 in 1962, there weren’t kids on skateboards jumping over your car or riding bikes and sleds onto your lawn.

The only kids I saw back then were saluting the flag.

The only kids I saw back then respected their elders.

Look here, I can remember 1932. How many of you assholes can say that? (ed. note: non-octogenarians, that is)

I remember when things were really bad.

When children cried when they were hungry and policemen were corrupt. We’ve won six wars over the past 80 years (eight if you count Iraq and Afghanistan!).

What have the 12 year-olds of today done?

They broke my front window for one. Yep, they sure did that.

Hit Mrs. Aldrich in the legs with a ball. That sure was “cool”.

Ding dong ditch ’em? Oh, you bet.

Flaming manure? 12 bags, 12 days.

One day, Mrs. Aldrich and I were on our way out to movie and little Snotty Scotty got it into his mind to throw firecrackers at Mrs. Aldrich.

Real classy, Snotty. You’re lucky she lost her hearing years ago, jerk!

Kids at the supermarket yell at me for parking in a handicap spot.

I haven’t straightened my right leg in 20 goddamned years, fuckers! Of course I’m handicapped! You want me to empty my colostomy bag inside your boots!

I hate the kids of today. I wish they were all dead.

No, there’s no Seven Plagues of the Bible or Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse coming to destroy the world.

The only thing that will destroy this God forsaken planet is THOSE DAMN KIDS!

GOD SPEED, JOHN GLENN!

I’ll talk at you next week…

Lester Aldrich – Those Damn Kids

November 10, 2011November 10, 2011

Lester Aldrich Has Colostomy Bag Issues And Can’t Straighten His Fingers…

Hello, this is Mrs. Aldrich – Lester Aldrich’s wife.

He wanted me to type something here to tell you that he can’t write his column today because he has issues with his colostomy bag (see right) and can’t straighten his fingers.

And last night ‘s Republican debate gave him a seizure.

He also wanted me to tell you that he still hates THOSE DAMN KIDS and will be continuing his quest to destroy them all starting next week provided he regains the ability to shit.

He will talk at you next week.

Mrs. Aldrich – Those Damn Kids

October 6, 2011October 6, 2011

I’ve Always Been A Great Admirer Of Alf Landon

If Alf Landon would have won the Presidency in 1936, this country would be a hell of a lot different. May God damn FDR again and again and again!

If Alf Landon were President, we wouldn’t have waited for the Japs to bomb us, we would have bombed them as soon as they Raped Naking.

We would have bombed Germany while Hitler was still sucking on his mother’s cock.

We would have bombed Russia before they were the Soviet Union. What happened there in Goddamn 1905 was good enough reason for me!

We goddamned would have stopped alot of Goddamned suffering.

The people wanted Alf.

The people loved Alf.

Alf got screwed up the ass because he was from Kansas.

FDR said to the New York Times, “Presidents don’t come from Kansas. Kansas is where drooling idiots fornicate with mules.” [ed. note: FDR never said any such thing. The 1936 election was won by FDR in the biggest landslide in U.S. Presidential history.]

FDR was a pussy. And what a great job he did. Just look where we are now: