[The following is a transcript of Khan Manka, Jr.’s keynote address to the 2011 Bilderberg Conference in St. Moritz, Switzerland. Mr. Manka insisted a word-for-word translation be put up on the blog. While physical and legal threats against our lives and livelihoods have been made, we will do as Mr. Manka has asked. His speech is presented here in its entirety. – Signed Anonymous]
Lionel Richie is finishing a rousing final chorus to “All Night Long”. The gathered group of men [and maybe one woman – it’s hard to say] are dancing with abandon in the cavernous Suvretta House hotel bomb shelter.
As Lionel Richie exits the stage and cocktail refills are being served by hooded waiters, Bilderberg Steering Committee Chairman Etienne Davignon comes out to the microphone.
Chairman Davignon (in English): Thank you so much, Lionel Richie. Would it have killed you to play “Brick House”?
(Big laughs from the room.)
Chairman Davignon: I have a real treat for my powerful friends here today. When you think about the media and entertainment landscape in the world, you have to start with Manka Bros. Studios. Not only are they the world’s largest media company, one would argue they are also the most influential in terms of how the people of the world spend their leisure time. Under great logistical stress, we were able to get Mr. Khan Manka, Jr. here today at the conference.
(Spontaneous applause and some dinging on champagne glasses.)
Chairman Davignon: You can read Mr. Manka’s biography in the handout on the back table by the cheese platter. What I will say is he has been the Chairman & CEO of Manka Bros. Studios for 35 years now and I’m sure he has seen it all. Gentlemen and Lady, I present Mr. Khan Manka, Jr.
(Applause. The piano theme music to “Eyes Wide Shut” plays over the speakers.)
Khan Manka, Jr.: Thanks Chairman-I’m-not-sure-how-to-say-your-name-so-I-won’t-try…
Khan Manka, Jr.: It was quite a surprise when I was awoken in the middle the night – in my bedroom – in my secured house – by a couple of Swiss goons talking through some sort of modulator box telling me I had been chosen to speak to the most powerful group of people in the world. I joked and said “Will I be talking into a mirror?”
Khan Manka, Jr.: The goons didn’t get the joke, so I listened to them. They told me about this Bilderberg Conference in Switzerland which basically controls which way the Earth’s axis rotates. I had no idea people controlled that – especially a bunch of old white men in suits.
Khan Manka, Jr.: I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m very familiar with shadowy, creepy cults. I have to do business with Scientologists for Christ’s sake! Am I right?
(Uncomfortable shuffling and a lone ‘gasp’.)
Khan Manka, Jr.: I know you didn’t ask me here to call you a bunch of ‘creeps’. So I’ll just get on to my prepared remarks. As I was flying over here from L.A. (in a blacked out jet, I might add), I was given the guest list of the conference attendees. Frankly, I don’t know who the fuck any of you are – but you must be powerful – and you must be influential or you wouldn’t be sitting in a hotel bomb shelter figuring out which way the world turns… literally.
(There are a few ‘boos’ and much chattering in the audience.)
Khan Manka, Jr.: I spoke at Davos last year, maybe I met a few of you then, but we were all so drunk it’s hard to remember anything, right? The only person I recognize here is Peter Thiel – a venture capitalist who hit the lottery with a couple of those nutty internet investments. So I guess that makes you powerful, eh, Peter? Peter has a new foundation that encourages college students to drop out of school. I didn’t need a foundation like that, Peter. I dropped out on my own – so I could focus more on pot smoking and playing bongos on the beach. Am I right?
Lionel Richie: “Brick House” is coming up – right after this speech! So wrap it up, Khan.
Khan Manka, Jr.: I don’t need some failed Commodore to come out and cut me off, all right? This happens almost every speech I give and I’m sick of it.
(A couple of black hooded Swiss goons quickly approach Mr. Manka.)
Khan Manka, Jr.: YOU WILL NOT DRAG ME OFF! You assholes don’t know anything about how the world works! You drink, you chase chambermaids – THAT’S RIGHT, I SAID IT! All of this bullshit – these conferences with caviar and champagne – and the world isn’t getting any better–!
(A solid wall of ‘boos’.)
Khan Manka, Jr.: Get your Goddamned hands off–! Hey, there’s Charlie Rose! What the fuck are you doing here? You’re not powerful. Hey, Charlie, help me–!
(The lights go out – the piano theme “Eyes Wide Shut” plays – there is a scuffle – a couple of shouts. The lights come back up. Lionel Richie is on stage. The opening notes of “Brick House” begin to play.)