Month: July 2016

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2016 – Day 1 – Welcome To The Terrordome

July 7, 2016July 8, 2016

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2016 – Day 3 – Fight The Power

OTHER SUN VALLEY 2016 POSTS:

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2016 – Day 2 – Burn, Hollywood, Burn – Part 1

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2016 – Day 2 Keynote – Burn, Hollywood, Burn (Or How The Plurals Generation Is Coming To Destroy Your Business)

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2016 – Day 3 – Fight The Power

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2016 – Day 4 – It Was A Good Day

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This morning was, by far, the most dramatic and tense mornings I’ve ever had at Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – and there have been many dramatic and tense mornings over the years.

We were jolted awake at 5:00am by a screaming, shrieking version of “The Dawn Of The Mogul” over the loudspeaker.

I am told Herb Allen wanted to shake it up a bit for the younger crowd (mostly for the Snapchat guy – Evan Spiegel – who he took liking to) and make it more “relatable” to them – so he had Iggy Azalea – a female Australian white rapper – record the anthem. My God, it was awful.

There was a note pushed under everyone’s hotel room door instructing us put on the military fatigues provided by Allen & Co. (emblazoned with the logo) and meet down at the Duck Pond in fifteen minutes.

Today, there would be no calisthenics.

Today, there would be nothing but war.

Supposedly, Herb Allen wanted to end this battle between Old & New Media; Hollywood & Silicon Valley; once and for all.

And his solution – was paintball.

When we all gathered blurry eyed looking ridiculous in Allen & Co.-branded military fatigues, Herb Allen was in complete Master Sergeant mode – chomping on a cigar and using kids’ sidewalk chalk to draw a thick red line down the middle of a pathway.

Herb Allen: Old Media on this side! New Media on this side!

Almost everyone started to move to the New Media side as no one wants to admit being on the “old” side.

Herb Allen: Stop! (he spit) If you work in Hollywood or New York go to this side (he pointed) over here – with the duck!

There was a duck sitting on the Old Media side.

Herb Allen: If you work in Silicon Valley or are under 40 – go over there!

The sides were split. All of us had no idea where he was going with this – though, I must say, the New Media group looked pretty pumped up – nodding their heads like bullies about to take down a bunch of weaklings.

Herb Allen: The game is paintball. The objective – VICTORY!

Old Media was given bright green paintball guns and New Media was given bright red paintball guns.

Herb Allen: You will be given ten minutes to strategize, pick a leader, and then I will sound the battle horn! You may not leave the property and please stay away from the pool where there are many families with young kids. Go!

Both groups broke off and went different directions. I (Khan Manka, Jr. – just so you don’t forget) went reluctantly Old Media (didn’t anyone see that we’re going Over-The-Top?) and we converged near a supply shed by the executive parking lot.

By the looks on our faces, you’d think we had already lost.

Bob Iger: O that we now had here but one ten thousand of those young men and women in Hollywood that do no work today!

Les Moonves (a former actor – remember? – in full Henry V St. Crispin’s Day mode): What’s he that wishes so? My friend, Bob Iger? No, my fair Bob, if we are marked to die, we are enough to do our Hollywood’s loss; and if to live, the fewer of us, the greater share of honor (and power and money!). God’s will! I pray thee, wish not one person more.

John Malone: What the fuck are you talking about?

Les Moonves: Proclaim it, Bob, that he which hath no stomach to this fight, let him depart – I’m looking at you, John Malone – his passport shall be made, and crowns for convoy put into his purse; we would not die in that man’s company that fears his fellowship to die with us.

Several moguls look at each other – prepared to leave but decide to stay after a glare from Les Moonves.

Les Moonves: This day is called Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Day. He that outlives this day and comes safe home, will stand a tip-toe when this day is named, and rouse him at the name of Herb Allen.

A fire in the eyes of the moguls was clearly being lit.

Les Moonves: He that shall live this day, and see old age (well, I suppose most of us are already there), will yearly on the vigil have a dinner party with his neighbors and say “Tomorrow is Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Day.” Then will he strip his sleeve and show his scars, and say “These wounds I had on Herb Allen’s Day.” Then shall our names, familiar in our mouths as household words – Les Moonves, Bob Iger, Jeff Bewkes, Rupert Murdoch – other Murdochs – Shari Redstone, Brian Roberts – be in their flowing cups freshly remembered.

The fire is now mixed with tears in the moguls’ eyes.

Les Moonves: We few, we happy few, we band of moguls; for he today that sheds his blood with me shall be my mogul friend, be he ne’er so vile, this day shall gentle his condition.

Les Moonves stands, prompting everyone else to stand.

Les Moonves: And executives in Hollywood now a-bed – or at the gym – shall think themselves accursed they were not here, and hold their manhoods (and womanhoods) cheap whiles any speaks that fought with us upon Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Day!

A massive cheer erupts from the band of moguls as the BATTLE HORN SOUNDS!

As we charged into battle we were immediately and completely surrounded by New Media.

Rupert Murdoch: Goddamn you, Moonves, and your fucking speech!

Old Media had been thoroughly outmaneuvered by New Media and the slaughter was horrific. Red paint splattered everywhere, bodies falling hard to the ground. New Media showed no mercy as the Old Guard fell.

No one was spared.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2016 – Day 1 – Welcome To The Terrordome

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pWTrAVLhbS8

July 6, 2016July 8, 2016

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2016 – Day 2 – Burn, Hollywood, Burn (Or How The Plurals Generation Is Coming To Destroy Your Business)

OTHER SUN VALLEY 2016 POSTS:

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2016 – Day 2 – Burn, Hollywood, Burn – Part 1

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2016 – Day 2 Keynote – Burn, Hollywood, Burn (Or How The Plurals Generation Is Coming To Destroy Your Business)

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2016 – Day 3 – Fight The Power

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2016 – Day 4 – It Was A Good Day

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My daughter, Connie, presented to a packed ballroom of slightly unhinged (mostly drunk) industry titans at the Sun Valley Lodge this afternoon. I’m not proud of her because that little monster is trying to destroy something my family has built up over the past 100 years.

My assistant, Vicky Adler-Modry has transcribed the presentation and attempted to include a bit of narration (and sanity) to the chaotic affair which will most likely go down as a total failure.

BURN, HOLLYWOOD, BURN (OR HOW THE PLURALS GENERATION IS COMING TO DESTROY YOUR BUSINESS) by Connie Manka – Board Member – Manka Bros. Studios

Herb Allen, looking every one of his 76-years in a fishing hat with lures dangling and a Allen & Co. fleece vest approaches the stage in the Great Hall Of The Moguls (The Limelight Ballroom) and calms down the raucous crowd.

Herb Allen: OK OK – quiet please. We’ve got a lot to cover today and I want to get to our adorable special guest speaker. First of all, I want to thank Justin Trudeau for eating ALL of the shrimp. Who knew a guy could eat so much shrimp? Just a freak of nature – unbelievable. That was a lot of shrimp, my friend. I haven’t seen anything swallowed like that since Microsoft swallowed LinkedIn! Am I right? OK OK – my apologies. OK. Let me bring out our little cutie keynote speaker this morning – Connie Manka. She is probably the youngest member – at fourteen – of any corporate Board in America. Just tremendous. Her father, Khan, we know – just a real jerk – right?

Khan Manka, Jr. (from crowd): Fuck you, Peaches.

Herb Allen: OK OK – let’s move on before the wheels fall off completely. My bad. Here she is, cute as a button, don’t be afraid, dearie, Connie Manka!

(Applause from the crowd as Connie Manka – dressed age appropriate – walks disinterested up to the microphone.)

Connie Manka: First of all, the Plurals Generation – myself included – does not give one fuck about anyone in this room.

(Slight commotion and a few gasps from the old white men in the crowd.)

Connie Manka: Second of all, the Plurals Generation – myself included – does not give one fuck about anyone in this room who is offended that I say “does not give one fuck.” Sorry, bluebloods, grandpas and old farts, Plurals swear a lot!

Rupert Murdoch (from crowd): Cut that little smart-ass off, Herb.

Connie Manka: Shut up, Mr. Murdoch! You’re on my list.

(The GASPS in the room are louder than when we found out “The Crying Game” girl was a dude.)

Connie Manka: We also don’t respect out elders. Especially you in this room who, with the content you have produced, have given us zero reason to respect anyone or anything! Hang on one sec.

(She picks up her cellphone and types deftly with her thumbs.)

Connie Manka: That is so funny, Maya! No, I’m not home. Blah. I’m here…

(Connie takes a picture of the unruly room of moguls and swipes it back to her friend.)

Connie Manka: … probably about four or so. (to the room) We are Plurals. Millennials are old. We can do more than one thing at once – duh, Plurals – and do it all well. Hey, Hollywood, we’re not going to watch your stupid over-the-top service – and we’re certainly not going to pay for it. Manka Bros., with great fanfare, announced our own over-the-top service – MankaGoNow – but you know, dad, no one is going to watch or pay.

Khan Manka, Jr.: You are NOT my daughter!

Connie Manka: That reminds me of something else – and I haven’t even started with the charts that shows why all of you in this room – even the kids at the cool table Facebook and Snapchat – are irrelevant… Hang on.

(Connie takes a moment to watch a video on her phone. The room is getting out of control. Connie finishes watching and apparently shares with some friends.)

Connie Manka: If you want me to finish, I’ll finish. I don’t care. So many of you in this room have young children – from your second or third wife. You have so many families yet you have no energy to raise them because you’re old. I mean, I am the 14-year-old daughter of a very old man.

Khan Manka, Jr.: I’m 56!

Connie Manka: Dad!

Khan Manka, Jr.: OK – 66! But I feel 56.

Connie Manka: 56 is old! But I will give you this, dad… (she quickly returns a text)

Herb Allen: Khan, what the hell is this?!

Connie Manka: I will give you this, dad, at least you didn’t remarry and start another family after mom disappeared eight years ago. Most of you guys don’t care much about your first or second families. You only care about your “youthful” image and power – well, guess what, geniuses, the Plurals are coming to shatter your image and take away your power. So I suggest you pick up your golf clubs and do what rich white people do. Play golf. Die.

(Rupert Murdoch, Les Moonves and many others are standing and shouting at the 14-year-old as if they were in “Casablanca” singing “La Marseillaise” to the Germans. Not to say that Connie Manka is a Nazi – just – you get the idea.)

Connie Manka: I’m done with this. I have so many more interesting things to do with my life than stand here with you dinosaurs. Here’s one chart that shows you the future. Dad, I’ll be on the plane.

(Connie Manka leaves the stage. The GoPro dude Nick Woodman and Jack Dorsey of Twitter run up to protect her as she makes her exit as dinner rolls thrown by the crowd bounce around her.)

(Khan Manka, Jr. takes the stage quickly.)

Khan Manka, Jr.: Just so you know, I don’t agree with one thing she said. We have a fraternity here that’s stronger than Skull & Bones and nothing can crack our resolve!

Tim Cook (from the back): Fuck you, Khan!

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2016 – Day 1 – Welcome To The Terrordome

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iM-PNrZfiU8

July 6, 2016July 8, 2016

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2016 – Day 2 – Burn, Hollywood, Burn

OTHER SUN VALLEY 2016 POSTS:

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2016 – Day 2 – Burn, Hollywood, Burn – Part 1

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2016 – Day 2 Keynote – Burn, Hollywood, Burn (Or How The Plurals Generation Is Coming To Destroy Your Business)

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2016 – Day 3 – Fight The Power

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2016 – Day 4 – It Was A Good Day

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According to my daughter, Connie, Hollywood doesn’t have a future and Silicon Valley is now the center of the CREATIVE universe. Considering she is on the Board of a major Hollywood studio, this is a horrible, filthy thing to say. Because of that, she didn’t get to go to the chocolate fountain with the other moguls last night.

Her presentation later today on the “Plurals Generation” is one of the most anticipated of the conference.

First, I must recap a few highlights from last night’s drunkening at the bar. In terms of crazy Sun Valley highlights, I would this one right up there with Burning Mogul (which was truly one of the most bizarre nights of my life).

Herb Allen’s nickname in college was “Peaches” – apparently because he could cans and cans of Libby’s canned peaches in one sitting.

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau was able to catch 57 popcorn shrimp in his mouth (from all angles and distances). Amazing. What a site to see several drunk media and tech titans cheer as each shrimp was caught by the Prime Minister. He finally dropped when Phillippe Dauman tried to throw him one from the Frogger machine and it was such a pathetic throw there was no chance. Dauman was booed by his fellow moguls in a really ugly way.

LinkedIn’s Reid Hoffman does a spot-on Sia impersonation – his rendition of “Chandelier” was stunning. King Abdullah of Jordan wanted to hire him as the entertainment for an upcoming family wedding.

Sergey Brin is NOT good at impressions. After a few too many Micelob Ultras, he launched into his Ryan Reynolds as “Deadpool” which he wouldn’t stop even after everyone lost interest.

That’s just a sampling of the shenanigans at the ol’ Drankin’ Hole on any given night at the Herb Allen retreat.

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But today is a new day.

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2016 – Day 2 – Burn, Hollywood, Burn

The Dawn Of The Mogul (the ridiculous “mogul anthem” written by Michael Eisner years ago) wake up call was particularly early and painful this morning – 5 a.m.

Herb Allen (or “Peaches” as we learned last night) was very adamant about staying on schedule today and it’s a very ambitious agenda (including my daughter Connie’s “Plurals Generation” presentation later today which should rile a few feathers).

We gathered near the Duck Pond for calisthenics led by the GoPro dude Nick Woodman. No one except Bob Iger and Sheryl Sandberg were able to keep up with him or even try. Dude had way too much energy – like he consumed a six-pack of Red Bull before sunrise.

After that, we picked up our (cold) breakfast burritos (out of a bin) and very weak orange juice (out of one of those summer camp machines) and trudged inside for a day of mind-numbing presentations about Brexit and global warming and the future of media, blah blah blah.

Then it’s a taco cart lunch back at the Duck Pond featuring (I’ve heard) magicians who will go from table-to-table to doing close-up magic.

Then we go right into the ping pong tournament (Mark Zuckerberg always wins)…

Followed by an ax throwing contest (Brian Roberts of Comcast usually wins that) and, finally, log rolling (surprisingly Barry Diller is very good at this) before we can get our first cocktail of the day.

My plan is to go to my daughter’s presentation and sneak away from the other bullshit.

So – the day is set – my assistant, Vicky Adler-Modry will post my daughter’s presentation as a separate entry later today after a transcript has been prepared (plus this post is getting rather long).

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2016 – Day 1 – Welcome To The Terrordome

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iM-PNrZfiU8

July 5, 2016July 8, 2016

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2016 – Day 1 – Welcome To The Terrordome

OTHER SUN VALLEY 2016 POSTS:

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2016 – Day 2 – Burn, Hollywood, Burn – Part 1

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2016 – Day 2 Keynote – Burn, Hollywood, Burn (Or How The Plurals Generation Is Coming To Destroy Your Business)

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2016 – Day 3 – Fight The Power

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2016 – Day 4 – It Was A Good Day

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There’s somethin’ happenin’ here. What it is ain’t exactly clear…

Good afternoon from Sun Valley!

All of us who attend this bullshit fest year-after-year have been to Hell and back (in a non-burning show business way) many times – but, I have a feeling, nothing in our past has prepared us for what is about to come.

My daughter, Connie – who is 14 and also a prominent member on the Manka Bros. Board of Directors – has come to Sun Valley with me this year where she will be giving a keynote address on the Plural generation (or Generation Z or whatever else bullshit you want to call those brats).

As far as I can tell, and from my personal experience, this is a generation of aliens (not from foreign countries – but distant planets). I have no idea what the fuck they’re doing.

Anyway, I saw a part of her presentation on the way up here in the Manka jet in which she quotes Taylor Swift who said: “This is a new year. A new beginning. And things will change.”

“… And things will change.”

Goddamnit.

But seriously, haven’t things already changed enough for those little dweebs? If you were to tell me last year that videos of dorks playing games on YouTube would be watched by millions more idiots than saw our summer movie “Flaccid Trip,” I would have called you a moron.

I’m sure my friend Sumner Redstone would tell Ms. Swift in response: “Change this, mother fucker!”

But that’s not the attitude or tone Herb Allen has requested of us “in the old media” at this year’s conference.

Connie is too young to hang around the bar (my beloved Drankin’ Hole – officially the Duchin Lounge) with a bunch old white men so I probably won’t be seeing much of her this week. I told her to send me an email or contact my assistant if she plans on leaving the property for whatever reason.

After fighting Bob Iger and the Disney jet for a parking spot at the airport – I could see him screaming at us from behind a window as we pulled into our normal spot (I wouldn’t be surprised to hear our tires have been slashed when we return) – and then surviving a harrowing ride in a Google self-driving car – I finally made it to the Sun Valley Lodge.

I walked past the veal-like pen that they keep reporters in for this event – a few questions were screamed out at me but I had only one thing in mind “The Drankin’ Hole.” I hugged my daughter, handed her a list of the moguls to stay away from at all costs, and headed for the bar.

Finally, some good news. BIN TRAN HAS RETURNED!

“Bin Tran, you son of bitch!,” I shouted as I strolled in the bar.

“That’s right, my mother was a bitch. Ah, Mr. Khan Manka! So happy to see you!”

“You got your job back.”

“All thanks to you, Mr. Khan and your blog. I’m famous. I have Twitter account with followers. And the bartender last year, Gary, he got an actor job in ‘Avenue Q’ in Boise. So the Sun Valley Lodge called me and brought me back. Good thing, too, we were starting to eat the pets.”

“Well, you know what I’m after. Give me that goddamned best dirty martini on the planet.”

“Yes, sir.”

“How’s your brother, Vin, is he back, too.”

“No, he’s the black sheep now. Decided to become a dental hygienist, betray the whole family. Trans have been professional bartenders since before the French colonization… of Vietnam… that’s a long time ago. We don’t speak his name anymore.”

Bin placed that beautiful drink in front of me, I took a huge gulp and could finally relax.

“Things don’t change much around here.”

“Not true, we now have a Frogger game machine.”

“Frogger?”

I look over in the corner and sitting at old-fashioned arcade Frogger machine was Phillippe Dauman with a couple of empty glasses to the side.

“Phillip.”

“It’s PhilEEPE – don’t bother me, Khan, I’m busy!”

“You’re from Brooklyn! It’s Phillip.”

Bin Tran just shook his head. “Poor Mr. Phillip, just been playing Frogger and sucking down Gimlets all afternoon like there’s no tomorrow.”

“For him there is no tomorrow.”

Frogger is not a bad metaphor for Phillippe at this moment in his career.

After a couple moments of peaceful silence (with the exception of the occasional screaming and banging at the Frogger machine by Phillippe Dauman) the regular Sun Valley crowd started to filter in.

Sure, there are a few fresh tech faces, and a few Silicon Valley old faces, but it’s still the old media guard that runs this joint (myself, Bob Iger, Les Moonves, Jeff Bewkes, Rupert Murdoch, etc. etc. etc.) no matter what everyone else in the world says.

Goddamnit.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company