New Media – Page 3 – Chairman's Blog

June 8, 2016June 8, 2016

Manka Bros. Is Going Over-The-Top!

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Herb Allen's Sun Valley Conference 2013, Sun Valley Lodge, Bin Tran, Vin Tran, Lee S Ainslie III, Yousef Al Otaiba, Hans-Holger Albrecht, Paul G Allen, James Anderson, Marc Andreessen, Michael Angelakis, Tim Armstrong, Nikesh Arora, Neil M Ashe, Emilio Azcarraga, Manvinder S Banga, Lionel Barber, Craig R Barrett, Willow Bay, Andreas Bechtolsheim, Marc Benioff, Jeffrey Berg, James Berkus, Michael S Berman, Mark Bertolini, Gary Bettman, Jeff Bewkes, Jeffrey P Bezos, Aneel Bhusri, The Right Honorable Tony Blair, Gregory R Blatt, Anthony H Bloom, Michael R Bloomberg, Steven R Boal, Scott A Bommer, Cory A Booker, Jeffrey H Boyd, Sergey Brin, Glenn Britt, Tom Brokaw, Michael J Brown, Howard G Buffett, Susie Buffett, Warren Buffett, John Burbank, Stephen Burke, Erin Burnett, Ursula Burns, John E Bush, Jeanie Buss, John A Canning Jr., Chase Carey, Wences Casares, Mark Casey, Kenneth Chenault, Peter Chernin, Brian Chesky, Richard Chilton, Chris Christie, Lewis Cime, Adriana Cisneros, Gustavo Cisneros, Vittorio Colao, Timothy Collins, Patrick Collison, Timothy Cook, Anderson Cooper, David Corkins, Delos Cosgrove, Dick Costolo, Cristian Croitoru, Henry Crumpton, Jose Luis Cutrale, Will Danoff, Philippe Dauman, Christopher Davis, Alfonso de Angoitia, John DeGioia, Diego Della Valle, Brian Demain, Andre Desmarais, David DeVoe, Feroz Dewan, William DeWitt, Barry Diller, Daniel Doctoroff, Jonathan Dolgen, John Donahoe, Jack Dorsey, Michael Duke, Mathias Dopfner, David Ebersman, Wesley Edens, Marvin Edwards, Eric Eisner, Michael Eisner, John Elkann, Thomas Evans, Randel Falco, Jose Antonio Fernandez, Michael Ferror, Niall W. A. FitzGerald, Thomas Friedman, Michael Fries, Tommy Frist, Daniel Fulton, Michael Fux, Mala Gaonkar, Whitfield Gardner, William Gates, Melinda Gates, Julius Genachowski, Daniel Gilbert, Thomas Giovine, David Goldberg, Roger Goodell, Bing Gordon, Donald Graham, Brian Grazer, Brad Grey, John Griffin, Andreas Halvorsen, Reed Hastings, General Michael Hayden USAF, James Heavener, John Hendricks, John Henry, John Heyman, Kazuo Hirai, John Hock, Reid Hoffman, Won Pyo Hong, Lisa Hook, Ben Horowitz, Drew Houston, Robert Iger, David Ignatius, Martin Indyk, Phillip Jackson, Eli Jacobs, Paul Jacobs, Robert Johnson, Salar Kamanger, Peter Karmanos, Alexander Karp, Michael Karsch, Jeffrey Katzenberg, Michael Keating, Brian Kelly, Muhtar Kent, Joseph Robert Kerrey, Dara Khosrowshahi, Seth Klaman, Joel Klein, Peter Klein, Philip H Knight, Victor Koo, Robert Kotick, Robert Kraft, Henry Kravis, Ynon Kreiz, Blake Krikorian, Ananda Krishnan, Stan Kroenke, Daniel Lamarre, Michael Larson, Martin Lau, Michael Leavitt, Jay Lee, Eric Lefkofsky, Theordore Leonsis, Max Levchin, David Levin, Phil Libin, Martin Lipton, Bryan Lourd, Kenneth W Lowe, Michael Lowenstein, Dan Lufkin, Dennis P LYnch, Michael Lynton, Maurice Levy, John Malone, Robert Marcus, Morris Mark, Donald Mattrick, Kathleen A McCarragher, General Stanley A McChrystal, Andrew McKenna, General Montgomery C Meigs, Lorenzo Mendoza, Ron Meyer, Roberto Mignone, Hiroshi Mikitani, Bill Miller, Kenneth Miranda, Thomas Monahan, Leslie Moonves, Luis Alberto Moreno, Dan Moskovitz, Craig Mundle, James Murdoch, Rupert Mudoch, Lachlan Murdoch, Nathan Myhrvold, Michael Neidorff, Jonathan M Nelson, Vivi Nevo, Sam Nunn, Michael E O'Hanlon, Daniel J O'Keefe, Don O'Neal, Ronald L Olson, Evan Osnos, CL Butch Otter, Michael Ovitz, Larry Page, Stephen G Pagliuca, Saul Pannell, Mark Papa, William Pappendick, MIchael Pausic, Minxin Pei, Francois-Henry Pinault, Mark Pincus, Laurene Powell, Lawrence F Probst, Rebecca Quick, Thomas Rabe, Jay Rasulo, Jerry Reinsdorf, Danny Rimer, Richard Riordan, Ambassador Charles H Rivkin, Brian Roberts, James Robinson IIi, James Robinson IV, Fernando Rodes Vila, Brian Rogers, Congressman Mike Rogers, Charlie Rose, Daniel Rose, Wilbur L Ross, Haim Saban, Karim Sadjadpour, Sheryl Sandberg, Ricky Sandler, Ted Sarandos, Fayez Sarofim, Nassef Sawiris, Eric Schmidt, John Schneider, Christopher Schroeder, John Scully, Allan Selig, Nicole Seligman, Eric Semler, William Siegel, Herbert Siegel, Ben Silbermann, Christopher Silbermann, Louis Simpson, Eduardo Sirotsky Melzer, Andrew Sorkin, Sir Martin Sorrell, Thomas Staggs, Cristina Stenbeck, David Stern, Michael Stone, Sir Howard Stringer, Robert Swan, Peter Thiel, Mark Thompson, Sebastian Thrun, Thomas Tull, Peter Ueberroth, Joseph Vacanti, Jeffrey Van Harte, Owen Van Natta, Martin Varsavsky, Leftie Vaughn, Michelangelo Volpi, Alexandre Von Furstenberg, Dian von Furstenberg, Casey Wasserman, David Weinberg, Judd Weinberg, Jeff Weiner, Harvey Weinstein, Wallace R Weitz, Robert Werbel, Michael White, Meg Whitman, Jim Wiatt, James Williams, Fred Wilpon, Jeffrey Wilpon, Fred Wilson, David J Winters, Nicholas Woodman, Major General Amos Yadlin, Jerry Yang, Jed York, David Zaslav, Dirk E Ziff, Gianfranco Zoppas, Mark Zuckerberg, Jack Ma, Jeff Bezos, Tony Wible, Marissa Mayer, General Stanley McChrystal, John Kerry, Michael Bloomberg, Hamilton, World War 1, Over the top

Good morning!

I concede.

I’m fucking sick every time there is a monthly update by Dumb Jack Fuck, SVP of the Manka Bros. Television Group, when he tells me we are losing cable subscribers at an alarming rate.

With friends like the cable MSOs, who needs enemies?

So, sorry, Comcast.

Sorry Charter/TWC – or whatever bullshit name you have now.

You won’t have Manka Bros. to negotiate with anymore. You can give our measly 65 cent per subscriber fee for Manka Classic Movies to Ovation or some other dinosaur TV channel because MANKA BROS. IS GOING OVER-THE-TOP!

Introducing MankaGoNow – the ultimate over-the-top experience for those who would rather spend their $200/month buying little tools and furniture in Minecraft.

Thanks to amazing new technology, we no longer have to get our television channels to you via a satellite orbiting the Earth. We can now deliver the same quality programming to the consumer via a cable that is buried in the ground or stretched across the ocean. That’s progress, my friends.

The time for change is now. I see the trends – LOOK AT THIS FREAKIN’ CHART!

Only old media companies with the balls to reinvent themselves (i.e., MANKA BROS.) will survive. The rest of you will continue suck down shitty martinis at The Smoke House and reflect on the great old days when no one questioned your business models and Donny & Marie ruled primetime TV.

By going direct-to-consumer, customers now get the same amazing programming that we have on our cable channels but now everything will be available at anytime on-demand ALL FOR AN AMAZING PRICE OF $34.99/MONTH!

That’s a sick deal, you cord-cutting idiots who are trying to bury old media alive in a shallow grave.

The eggheads in Manka finance say all we need are 20 million subscribers and we’re in the money (which is only a fifth of what we get now from Comcast).

If I can drink a fifth of vodka a day, I can definitely get a fifth of our current subscribers to suck-ass Comcast to plunk over $35 a month for the best content in the world.

Would you buy a Picasso for $34.99 a month?

Would you see “Hamilton” on Broadway for $34.99?

Hell, yes, you would!

“Tennessee Williams’ Haunted Alligators,” “Forensics,” “My Wife Left Me For Bucky Dent,” “OMDB,” – and the hits go on and on – totally on demand – watch when you want, how you want, where you want – all for $34.99 a month.

Compare MankaGoNow to other crappy services out there and, you will see, there is no comparison:

And it gets better! Because we haven’t quite figured out the payment system, we are offering this service to you for a couple of months free of charge!

Simply go HERE and poke around. If you find a show or classic film, just hit play and it will play – on-demand, for free!

You’re Welcome, World!

Remember this day – the day Manka Bros. destroyed Disney.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

P.S. – The martinis at The Smoke House aren’t shitty – I was just making a point.

December 11, 2014June 4, 2015

Dear Hollywood Foreign Press – F Off

JESUS CHRIST!

Who the fuck do you have to blow or bribe in the Hollywood Foreign Press Association to getting a stupid Golden Globe nomination?!

These nominations are abominations.

“Birdman” – seriously?

“The Imitation Game”?

What the hell is a Benedict Cumberbatch! Is that a Charles Dickens book?

Did any of the chain-smoking corrupt pieces of shit see the Manka Bros. film “Flaccid Trip“?

Obviously not or it would have been nominated.

It’s six times better than “Boyhood” – sorry we didn’t “advertise” as much IFC.

Here’s a clip to remind you what a truly great film looks like:

I should have sent the screener of the film over with a prostitute, a case of Slivovitz and a few cartons of Camel Turkish Gold cigarettes.

Oh God.

I think the heads of the major studios need to get together to somehow end this constant charade of worthless award shows.

Again, the Hollywood Foreign Press can F themselves. Right in the A.

Really, HFPA, you couldn’t find ONE Manka Bros. movie or TV show to nominate this year?

Did you see the Manka Bros. Films slate or the Manka Highbrow slate?

Did you see “Severed Fingers” on MBS? Here’s a freakin’ clip!

See you at the Emmys! Oh, sorry, I’m sure they wouldn’t let you into a legitimate award show.

I’m done.

Just remember this, no matter how many times you nominate Jennifer Aniston, she’s never going to “party with you.”

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

P.S. – Manka Bros. is planning to produce 157 movies based on classic MC Comics characters over the next 35 years – and none of them will be submitted for Golden Globe consideration!

October 31, 2014May 18, 2016

Manka Bros. To Produce 157 Movies Based On MC Comics Characters Through 2050

Good afternoon.

The title pretty much says it all.

THIS SHIT IS REAL!

So come on, Comic Con geeks – let your heads commence to explode.

THIS IS A HUGE ANNOUNCEMENT and a financial commitment unparalleled in the history of Hollywood (and way more impressive than DC Comics or Marvel’s puny little movie announcements).

We’ve talked about getting these world-class characters out of the comic book pages and onto the big screen for months – especially when you see some of those box office grosses – Jesus Christ – people will watch anything!

And MC Comics has arguably the best characters in the universe – it is Manka Bros.’ crown jewel.

I think the entire planet is ready for a “Captain Stoppo” movie (which, unfortunately, isn’t part of our current plan).

And what is the plan? Here you go, movie dorks – and, by the way, YOU’RE WELCOME!

Starting 2015, Manka Bros. will release 3-5 MC Comics SUPERMOVIES™ a year. (I don’t call them event films or tentpoles – I call them SUPERMOVIES™ – meaning big, awesome and insanely profitable).

By 2050, the story arcs we have mapped out over the past few days will be completed and we’ll be ready to go in a new direction.

Maybe we’ll start doing epic romantic comedies or something. No matter what, we’ll be able to do whatever the fuck we want because we’re going to make so much bank on these comic book movies it’s not even funny.

Enough of my chatter -let’s get to the release schedule – it’s going to be a long scroll:

2015:

The Javelin: End Of Innocence (March 4)
Uncle Knuckles: Unnecessary Evil (July 2)
The Brown Haze: Code of H.O.N.O.R.(November 18)

2016:

Doctor Proctor: Aliens Unite (June 9)
The Jacobeans: Copernican Revolution (August 12)
Skullboy: Birth of T.O.R.N.A.T.O. (featuring The Javelin, Uncle Knuckles, The Brown Haze, Microwife and Sheetah) (TBD)
Johnny Crasp & The Lost Trood (Christmas)

2017:

Sheetah: Harvest of Sorrow (February 14)
T.O.R.N.A.T.O.: Midnight Storm (May 6)
The Javelin 2: Heroes Unwelcome (July 18)
Pebble Boy: Who Is Pebble Boy? (October 20)

2018:

Uncle Knuckles 2: Evil Is Not Necessary (April 3)
Gray Goose & Orange Crush: Earth’s Last Stand (June 27)
The Father: Obey (November 8)
The Jacobeans 2: The Smell of Death (Christmas)

2019:

Buddha vs. Moses: Curse of the Millennium (March 17)
Doctor Proctor 2: Always Say Never (July 6)
The Son: Adore & Glorify (November 7)
The Brown Haze 2: Planet on Fire (Thanksgiving)

2020:

T.O.R.N.A.T.O. 2: Bluetooth Ascends(April 6)
The Black Wasp: Deadly Flight (July 7)
The Holy Ghost: You Must Fear (November 9)
Skullboy 2: Sailors Delight (December 18)

2021:

Pebble Boy 2: Clayhead’s Revenge (March 14)
Johnny Crasp & The Lost Trood 2: Seasons In The Sun (August 25)
The Father vs. The Son vs. The Holy Ghost: Heaven’s On Fire (Christmas)

2022:

Sheetah 2: Inside The Dark (February 10)
Uncle Knuckles 3: Evil Stand Down (May 5)
Buddha vs. Moses vs. The Black Wasp: End Of Days (Thanksgiving)
The Jacobeans 3: Birth Of A Nation (Christmas)

2023:

Vertebraek: The Mayan Dutchman (March 8)
T.O.R.N.A.T.O. 3: Everything Dies (May 20)
The Human Jaguar vs. The Animal Jaguar: Gorilla Warfare (Part 1 of 5) (July 23)
The Holy Ghost 2: Down To Earth (December 22)

2024:

The Javelin 3: The New Javelin (April 18)
The Black Wasp 2: Dead Dead Dead (Never To Return) (July 4)
Buddha, Jesus, Moses & Young (A Comedy) (November 4)

2025:

Pebble Boy 3: Pebble Man (January 16)
Doctor Proctor 3: Fatal Examination (June 28)
The Human Jaguar vs. The Animal Jaguar: Skinned Alive (Part 2 of 5) (November 14)

2026:

Vertebraek 2: Deathert Storm (February 12)
The Brown Haze 3: Clear Skies (May 15)
The Human Jaguar vs. The Animal Jaguar: Shot In The Back (Part 3 of 5) (November 12)
Joe Jitsu: The Death of Chuck Spalding (Christmas)

2027:

T.O.R.N.A.T.O 4: Fresh Dawn (featuring new characters including The New Javelin, Joe Jitsu, Moses, Mysteria, Groan and The Kentuckian) (May 5)
The Jacobeans 4: Pandemic (July 3)
The Black Wasp 3: Never Stay Dead (October 4)
The Human Jaguar vs. The Animal Jaguar: Filthy Beast (Part 4 of 5) (November 15)

2028:

The New Javelin: The Indian Train Porter (March 20)
Phillip Jagstone: The Human Box (June 16)
Smack-O-Lantern: World On Fire (October 24)
The Human Jaguar vs. The Animal Jaguar: Somebody Wins (Part 5 of 5 – Part 1) (November 18)

2029:

Pebble Man: The Birth Of Pebble Boy (March 17)
Johnny Crasp & The Lost Trood 3: Bleeding City Of Gold (June 16)
Uncle Knuckles: No Surrender (brand refresh) (October 17)
The Human Jaguar vs. The Animal Jaguar: Somebody Wins (Part 5 of 5 – Part 2) (November 19)

2030:

The Indian Train Porter: Mumbai Monsoon (April 17)
Joe Jitsu 2: The Masked Apparition (August 2)
The Human Jaguar vs. The Animal Jaguar: Somebody Wins (Part 5 of 5 – Part 3) November 20
The Duchess of Malfi vs. The Human Box (Christmas)

2031:

The New Javelin 2: Killosopher’s Last Stand (March 18)
Colonel Albania: Czechmate (July 17)
T.O.R.N.A.T.O. Guerre Civile (Part 1 of 6) (November 12)
The Forgotten 8: Pointillist Rising (featuring The Lifter, Pinch Hitter, 2 Of Clubs, Da Boss, Everlass, Slacks, The Ghost of Hamlet’s Father and Soknotta) (Christmas)

2032:

Pebble Boy vs. The Brown Haze: Sundown (May 5)
The Black Wasp 4: Gravity Ends (July 17)
The Human Box: The Phillip Jagstone Chronicles (Part 1 of 3) (October 14)
T.O.R.N.A.T.O. Guerre Civile (Part 2 of 6) (November 13)

2033:

Vertebraek 3: Seeds Of Destruction (April 3)
The Indian Train Porter 2: Controlled Substance (August 15)
Smack-O-Lantern 2: Sending My Love (October 22)
T.O.R.N.A.T.O. Guerre Civile (Part 3 of 6) (November 12)
Joe Jitsu 3: Groan & Gasp (November 26)
The Duchess Of Malfi: Prelude To A Storm (Christmas)

2034:

Colonel Albania 2: Lethalania (February 3)
Sheetah 3: There’s A New Sheetah In Town (April 7)
The Human Box: The Phillip Jagstone Chronicles (Part 2 of 3) (July 23)
T.O.R.N.A.T.O. Guerre Civile (Part 4 of 6) (November 13)
Buddha vs. Moses vs. The Black Wasp 2: Exodus (Christmas)

2035:

The New Javelin 3: The Rebirth Of T.O.R.N.A.T.O. 1 (featuring all the original T.O.R.N.A.T.O. members but younger (The Javelin, Uncle Knuckles, The Brown Haze, Microwife and Sheetah) – not to be confused with the T.O.R.N.A.T.O. Guerre Civile series characters (The New Javelin, Joe Jitsu, Moses, Mysteria, Groan and The Kentuckian) (May 13)
Johnny Crasp & The Lost Trood 4: Skullinary Art (August 10)
Pebble Boy vs. Crocodoll: Island On Fire (October 10)
T.O.R.N.A.T.O. Guerre Civile (Part 5 of 6) (November 15)

2036:

The Amazing Echo: Deceptikon 436 (February 2)
The Forgotten 8 2: Hope Laughs (April 18)
The Human Box: The Phillip Jagstone Chronicles (Part 3 of 3 – Part 1) (July 16)
Smack-O-Lantern 3: Death Knocks (October 20)
T.O.R.N.A.T.O. Guerre Civile (Part 6 of 6 – Part 1) (November 18)

2037:

Groan & Gasp: The Fall Of Smugly (February 6)
New Sheetah: Sunrise At Dawn (March 29)
T.O.R.N.A.T.O 1: Universal Upheaval (July 16)
T.O.R.N.A.T.O. Guerre Civile (Part 6 of 6 – Part 2) (November 15)
The Indian Train Porter 3: Cry Of The Creed Whacker (December 18)

2038:

Madgician: Death To The Forgotten 8 (March 7)
The Human Box: The Phillip Jagstone Chronicles (Part 3 of 3 – Part 2) (July 7)
General Albania: Promotion Granted (August 17)
T.O.R.N.A.T.O. Guerre Civile (Part 6 of 6 – Part 3) (November 7)
The Jacobeans vs. Mandito: God Will Decide (Christmas)

2039:

Uncle Knuckles / Pebble Boy Crossover Event (Title TBD) (March 12)
Doctor Proctor: Lou Tonium’s Final War (July 4)
The Amazing Echo 2: The Inertian (October 10)
T.O.R.N.A.T.O. Guerre Civile (Part 6 of 6 – Part 4) (November 20)

2040:

Johnny Crasp & the Lost Trood 5: Found Trood (February 14)
Sheetah & The Human Jaguar vs. Joe Jitsu & Uncle Knuckles: Hell Unbound (May 25)
T.O.R.N.A.T.O. 2: Universe Unhinged (July 6)
The Holy Ghost 3: Fear The Reaper (August 17)
T.O.R.N.A.T.O. Guerre Civile (Part 6 of 6 – Part 5) (November 22)
The Fissureman: Earth Walker (December 14)

2041:

Groan & Gasp 2: The Story Of Gunshine (March 6)
Pebble Boy vs. Crocodoll 2: The Death Of Crocodoll, The Birth Of Brawlcano (May 14)
Vertebraek 4: Welcome To Hades (July 16)
Smack-O-Lantern 4: A Musical Horromedy (October 20)
New Sheetah 2: Old Sheetah’s Shadow (December 3)

2042:

Clayhead 2: High School Sucks (April 24)
The New Brown Haze: Big Bang (brand refresh) (Jun 15)
T.O.R.N.A.T.O. vs. T.O.R.N.A.T.O: God Help Us All (July 17)
Insurance Squad No. 1: Galaxy Implosion (November 15)

2043:

The Forgotten 8 3: Burn In Hell (March 25)
Brawlcano: Mind The Gap (July 15)
Lou Tonium: The World Is Flattened (October 20)
Uncle Knuckles / Pebble Boy Crossover Event 2 (Title TBD) (November 16)
The Ghost Of Hamlet’s Father: Murder Most Foul (Christmas)

2044:

The Jacobeans vs. Mandito 2: Splat (February 22)
The Kentuckian: Galactic Hoedown (June 25)
Sheetah & The Human Jaguar vs. Joe Jitsu & Uncle Knuckles 2: Hell Unscrewed (November 3)
T.O.R.N.A.T.O vs. T.O.R.N.A.T.O. 2: Hell’s Apocalypse (November 27)
The Fissureman 2: Earth Runner (Christmas)

2045:

Groan & Gasp 2: Dr. Flamenco’s Return (January 23)
Clayhead 3: High School Still Sucks (April 19)
The Indian Train Porter 4: One More Job (July 20)
Smack-O-Lantern: Back To Terror (October 17)
General Albania 2: White Sea Cannibal (Christmas)

2046:

Madgician 2: Revenge Of Madgician’s Rabbit (March 4)
Glassh vs. Smugly: No One Survives (May 26)
Lou Tonium 2: Quarantined (July 6)
T.O.R.N.A.T.O. vs. T.O.R.N.A.T.O. 3: Serious Business (November 15)
Crocodoll’s Christmas In Virginia (December 12)

2047:

Dr. Flamenco: The Last Dance (February 14)
The Forgotten 8 4: Habeas Corpus (June 17)
T.O.R.N.A.T.O. vs. T.O.R.N.A.T.O 4: All Is Lost (November 12)
The Kentuckian 2: Galactic Barbecue (December 3)

2048:

Sheetah & The Human Jaguar vs. Joe Jitsu & Uncle Knuckles 3: Hell’s Last Stand (March 7)
T.O.R.N.A.T.O. vs. T.O.R.N.A.T.O. 5: Gotterdammerung (Part 1) (June 3)
Insurance Squad No. 2: Solar Eclipse (August 15)
The Indian Train Porter Dies (October 23)
T.O.R.N.A.T.O. vs. T.O.R.N.A.T.O. 5: Gotterdammerung (Part 2) (November 17)
Crocodoll’s Christmas In Virginia 2: Valentine’s Day (December 20)

2049:

General Albania vs. Pebble Boy: Soviet Beatdown (February 14)
Clayhead 4: College Sucks (April 15)
T.O.R.N.A.T.O. vs. T.O.R.N.A.T.O. 5: Gotterdammerung (Part 3) (July 4)
Lou Tonium 3: Damn It! (August 24)
T.O.R.N.A.T.O. vs. T.O.R.N.A.T.O. 5: Gotterdammerung (Part 4) (November 12)

2050:

Insurance Squad No. 3: Flame Throwers (March 14)
The Fissureman 3: Into The Jungle (May 7)
T.O.R.N.A.T.O. vs. T.O.R.N.A.T.O. 5: Gotterdammerung (Part 5) (July 2)
Doctor Proctor & Sheetah Get Married (working title) (August 12)
Smack-O-Lantern: Swallow This (October 18)
T.O.R.N.A.T.O. vs. T.O.R.N.A.T.O. 5: Gotterdammerung (Part 6) (November 6)
Crocodoll’s Christmas In Virginia 3: Columbus Day (Christmas)

Whew, that’s a lot of content! I certainly hope WALL STREET (pricks) gets as excited about this list of titles as I am.

So now we’re just going to go out and make these 157 movies. We’ll start hiring writers and directors and actors and come up with costumes and all that stuff.

Manka Bros. has, once again, proven that we are – by a long shot- the world’s largest media company!

Take that Jack Ma!

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

P.S. – I’d like to thank my assistant Vicky Adler-Modry for typing up this gigantic list. I’ve given her the rest of the evening off.

October 10, 2014October 10, 2014

I Am Not Giving Up The Jet

Good morning.

At Manka Bros. Studios, we have a suggestion box placed near the Fountain of Wisdom next to the 12-foot statue of my uncle – the great Khan Manka, Sr.

Normally, I don’t pay too much attention to the suggestions as they are mostly about the small portions served at the cafeteria; why isn’t gym membership free; and why we don’t give away more free stuff (like DVDs of our movies), etc.

But yesterday, I was made aware of a suggestion that I felt I should take head on:

“If Manka Bros. is currently going through a cost-cutting program which includes pretty severe headcount cuts, why wouldn’t you consider selling the Manka Bros. corporate jet in order to save a few of those jobs?”

This is a very thoughtful, but, I hate to say, very stupid and short-sighted question.

The jet stays.

Period.

I have never considered selling the jet for one very special reason – I need it. And I am the Chairman & CEO. Capische?

Without the jet, I would never have been able to take a call from COO Lloyd Grohl informing me we had won the movie rights to Cormac McCarthy’s “Rampage of the Stegosaur.”

Sure, I could have learned about it when I touched down in New York like a normal schlub at JFK or some such shit (if I was flying commercial like an idiot) – but I think it was important that I got that news an hour earlier so that I could think about what it meant for the company.

“But that movie lost $200 million,” you say.

And I say, shut the fuck up. We’re not done with that property, moron.

We have a musical coming out on Broadway that could end up making $1 billion. Nobody knows the future (though the music and lyrics need lots of work. Oy, those songs).

Without the jet, I wouldn’t have been able to fly to the Olympics in Sochi without going through security. Those lines were really long!

And do you know how hard it is to get to your house in the Seychelles when you’re flying commercial?!

Or Sun Valley? That would look pathetic to the other moguls.

So don’t tell me to sell the jet that I earned!

I’m a “MANKA,” goddamnit! Asking me to sell my plane is like me asking you to sell your child.

Go ahead, sell your child. I bet you could save a couple jobs with the money you make in the black-market-child-selling-ring.

Who looks foolish now, Ray Adler in Home Video? Oh, I mean, “Anonymous.”

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

July 10, 2014July 10, 2014

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2014 – Improv Night

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2014

Day 1: The End Of Cynicism

Day 2: Pivot

Day 3: Improv Night

You know what? F these young tech dorks!

The great John Grisham once wrote there is a “Time To Kill” (or Jesus said it in the Bible – I don’t know)… but last night was almost my time to kill several asshole billionaire millennials.

I just wanted to strangle them with those tight t-shirts they’re so proud of wearing.

Herb Allen has lost control of this conference. He has been overly enamored and completely overrun by the arrogant pricks that are the Silicon Valley t-shirt mafia.

Let me step back…

After a fucking long day of interviews and presentations from the likes of Phil Jackson and Larry Page (Larry talked about robots – that’s the pot calling the kettle black – he IS a robot!) in which they said everything and yet nothing, all we in the captive audience wanted to do was relax, have a drink and a little fun.

Every year, there is always one night that is set aside for some type of entertainment in which we, the attendees, are the entertainers.

It could be a karaoke night. A boxing tournament. Or even the controversial (and truly horrific) “Burning Mogul” event from a couple of years ago.

This year, Herb decided it would be fun to put on skits and songs like kids do at real summer camps. It sort of sounded like fun – many emails were sent back and forth from everyone and we all agreed.

Warren Buffett fought very hard to put on some sort of Broadway musical but there weren’t enough female moguls available to fill all the parts of something like that.

So short little rehearsed sketches or songs was the final decision.

Tim Armstrong was going to be at the piano (he plays better than Lang Lang, you know) and would accompany anyone that needed it.

It was all set.

Harvey Weinstein and I were going to do the “Dave’s not here” bit from Cheech & Chong. I had that record memorized when I was younger.

But then punk ass Zuckerberg decided he didn’t want to do a skit or song. He wanted to do improv and have an improv jam.

An improv jam in the Great Hall of the Moguls (The Limelight Ballroom)?

The fuck?!

And Herb Allen caved immediately and said it was a great idea. Much better than what he had planned.

So the skits were off and I witnessed what was possibly the worst display of comedy I have seen since our pilot episode of “My Wife Left Me For Bucky Dent.”

I would have preferred to sit and watch Barry Diller play video games on Twitch than to watch this terrible terrible improv show.

True horror is watching Mark Zuckerberg, Jeff Weiner and Ben Horowitz improvising a rap version of the “Gilligan’s Island” theme song (on an audience suggestion by Jeff Bezos).

Words can’t describe the discomfort we all felt when General Stanley McChrystal was pulled up into a scene where he was asked to get a reservation at a Mexican restaurant from an unintelligible Mexican waiter (played painfully by Les Moonves).

The General was genuinely angry and absolutely flustered by the whole experience.

It was gut-wrenching.

But the young punks ate it up.

I haven’t seen people laugh at something so awful since I was kneed in the nuts by Sumner Redstone in front of his family.

Other lowlights include:

A Charlie Rose chiquita banana bit (no further comment necessary)

A painful first date improv which took place at a laundry mat featuring Marissa Mayer (who still refuses to fix her thrashed voice – though she was the first to arrive, well ahead of schedule) and Michael Bloomberg. There was so much silence and embarrassment that people started shouting out things for them to say. They still stood, unable to come up with anything and then just stopped.

To finish, Harvey Weinstein jumped up and did a sort of one man show where he is ordering God to make some changes on Earth. It sounds funnier than it was because his changes were so stupid and it went on like 25 minutes.

It was a complete humiliation for everyone involved.

The coming together of old and new media took a huge step backwards last night.

Just a massive epic fail.

Oh well – today’s panels are dominated by old media guys talking about content. It’s our day to shine!

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

July 9, 2014July 10, 2014

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2014 – Day 2 – Pivot

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2014

Day 1: The End Of Cynicism

Day 2: Pivot

Day 3: Improv Night

I hate buzz words.

I don’t use them. I make fun of those that use them.

I didn’t go to business school so I didn’t learn how to speak cliches in meetings.

I went to drug-taking-son-of-movie-mogul school and we didn’t use buzz words except for “far out.”

It seems that everyone you hire from Ivy leagues schools has lost their ability to express themselves in a natural way.

Yet we keep hiring them because there are only so many drug-taking sons-of-movie-moguls in the talent pool and we can’t take a chance on someone from Arizona State (seriously).

But today, a buzz word is apt.

Manka Bros. and Hollywood MUST PIVOT!

Last night, as I got hammered with my old media buddies and talked about the houses we own and the places we’re planning to go for the summer – I noticed over in a corner a bunch of the young tech heads who weren’t getting that drunk and who weren’t talking about anything other than the products they create.

We have NO CHANCE against much younger people who want to do nothing but talk about their work.

There are too many distractions in Hollywood.

We are rich men living rich men lives.

We drink a lot of expensive wine and scotch.

If we’re just going to concentrate on our work all the time we may as well live in a fleabag apartment in Pacoima and take the bus to work.

The spoils are the reason we got in this business.

So here I am with Rupert (who is not allowed to buy my company at any price. I’m a real mogul – not a hired mogul) and Haim Saban and a few other old media guys at the bar getting lit.

Over in one corner, sporting various wearable devices (Google glasses, Oculus viewfinders, GoPro cameras, etc.) are Larry Page, Sergey Brin, Mark Zuckerberg and the Pinterest guy and the GoPro surfer guy… and they’re freakin’ talking about the shit they make!!

And then I spot Bob Iger wearing that virtual reality helmet.

What?! Bob Iger?!

You see, Bob is no idiot.

He knows what the Hell is going on.

Though he does look ridiculous in his high collar shirt with the Oculus thing on his face pretending to be skydiving.

All this change has been happening and we have been so ignorant and so resistant!

I left my old drunk friends at the bar and squeezed my way into the hacky-sack circle of tech punks and I learned a few things.

First of all, according to the Google guys, we need to get a YouTube channel and probably buy some multi-channel network (called MCNs) of some sort.

There is a MankaBrosStudios YouTube channel, but surprise surprise, we don’t own it.

I think we should buy it back for whatever it costs and maybe one of those gamer channels where dumb asses pay to watch other dumb asses play video games on the internet.

YouTube is buying something called Twitch and I think we need to get into that as well. Some Twitch channel that dumb asses will pay us to watch.

I have ordered my assistant, Vicky Adler-Modry, to give these instructions to the Manka Business Development group to make all of this happen immediately!

(Note: She shouldn’t have to do that because, as you know, reading my blog is mandatory and subject to termination if you don’t!)

Manka Bros. must PIVOT, DISRUPT, LEAN IN and EXECUTE!

CAPISCE?

Today, there is an endless stream of horrific PowerPoint presentations that I said I would attend. There is break this afternoon before our dinner tonight and annual variety show. FYI, Harvey Weinstein and I are doing an old Cheech & Chong bit which should surely kill in that room.

If anyone needs to reach me – the afternoon window is your only chance.

Make this shit happen or all of you are toast and I’ll restaff with new recruits from Arizona State!

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

July 8, 2014July 10, 2014

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2014 – Day 1 – The End of Cynicism

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2014

Day 1: The End of Cynicism

Day 2: Pivot

Day 3: Improv Night

Well, fuck, it’s that time of year again.

I contemplated not going at all to the Herb Allen’s Sun Valley snorefest, but decided it was in my company’s best interest… ah, fuck that, I just wanted to get away from Hollywood which is so freakin’ boring in the summer.

But something magical happened to me on the two-hour flight up here from Burbank.

Captain Randy let me fly the plane for a bit over the mountains and it was just so beautiful that I actually started to smile. And I decided then and there to try and make this week a POSITIVE experience.

Over the past few years (2009, 2010, 2011, 2012, 2013), I was so negative about the pointlessness of the whole week, that I didn’t even try to have a good attitude.

(I mean, seriously, it is hard to have a good attitude when the planned events include the Mogolympics, Burning Mogul – and who could forget 2012’s acid trip experiment – see right.)

But none of that this year, I am going to be a willing participant no matter how stupid the activity.

I may even try to drum up a little business for the studio.

We haven’t done any major deals in a while and we’re just sitting on a bunch of cash which I really haven’t found any use for (except for a few personal real estate transactions).

One deal that definitely won’t happen, Manka Bros. will not buy DreamWorks Animation so stop with the texts, Katzenberg – though I will keep the champagne you sent to my room.

So, I have a arrived – one of the first ones here as always. As I sip my champagne (not the first of the day – I had a couple of belts on the plane) while dictating this blog over the phone to my assistant, I am genuinely excited about what is to come.

There are great changes happening in our business – even though my mogul brethren and I hate to acknowledge it – and we must embrace these changes or die.

We don’t want the dorks from Oculus Rift taking over the store.

WE will continue to produce and control the best content known to man (and wo-man) and no one is going to take that away from us.

Movie studios have always been the incubators of the world’s greatest creative minds and NOT relic-filled museums.

But I digress so that I may drink.

I understand the best bartender on the planet, Bin Tran is back at his post in The Drankin’ Hole after taking last year off (family emergency my ass).

Things are already looking up.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

P.S. – I wonder whose job it is to make sure Marissa Mayer doesn’t sleep through dinner tonight?

May 29, 2014

Manka Bros. Would Like To Offer Kevin Reilly A Job

It has been brought to my attention that Kevin Reilly – the futurist former head of the Fox Broadcasting Company – has been forcibly removed from his post and is now looking forward to forcibly spending “more time with his family.”

Rupert Murdoch, my old friend, you have made a grave mistake.

Kevin Reilly had the balls to bring us such shows as…

(I don’t really know, can someone in Media Research fill in the rest of this sentence – he must have done something, right?)

Did Fox do “Barney Miller”?

He has also done tons of other really important shit (again, Research, help me out).

Anyway, Kevin, I speak directly to you now – I love that you wanted to eliminate pilot season.

I, personally, have decided to eliminate the development process. We just go directly to series based on first drafts.

Anyone who writes in complete sentences knows more than Jay McBee (President of the Manka Bros. Television Group), so why would we want him to read scripts and make notes. What the fuck does he know? He was a Radio Shack cashier before he won that goddamned reality show contest which made him the head of the Television Group.

But I digress…

Kevin, seriously, you can take any job you want. Over-the-Top networks are pretty trendy right now. We could give you money to make little videos for YouTube. That’s cool, right?

Or you could produce shit for Manka Broadway. Or publish books in our book division. Or even sell branded socks in Consumer Products.

Whatever job you want – you can have. Except mine. And except Lloyd Grohl.

You could even have a Board seat. We are so ready to dump Diahann Carroll it’s not even funny.

Think about it, Kevin. This is the best offer you will get.

Everyone else is doomed to fail.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

May 6, 2014May 6, 2014

Manka Bros. Would Like To Hire Lara Logan

Good afternoon.

It was brought to my attention that CBS news correspondent Lara Logan is getting some backlash for her 60 Minutes report on Benghazi. In fact, I have heard that she may not be allowed to return to CBS News.

If that were to happen, Manka Bros. would like to hire her to run our news department.

We have several news initiatives that we are planning to launch including a documentary channel (Manka Docs) and a Vice-style guerrilla news operation (Manka Vice) in which we will be covering the major conflicts around the world.

It’s a very ambitious plan but we feel that Ms. Logan would be perfect to lead these efforts.

We don’t care if news is reported inaccurately. We just care that it’s reported and gets on the air.

So – I look forward to Ms. Logan calling my office and setting up a lunch (or dinner).

If possible, maybe this weekend (or tonight). I could be in New York in four hours. I have a plane.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

January 17, 2014January 17, 2014

Sundance: Manka Bros. Acquires ‘Scoiattolo che mangia arancio’

Amy Mcgee, Ari Emanuel, Ben Silverman, Bob Weinstein, Brooks Addicott, Casey De la Rosa, Derek Cianfrance, Elizabeth Leidt, FilmBuff, Harvey Weinstein, James Schamus, Jeff Schamus, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, John Cooper, John Sloss, John Wells, Julieta Esteban, Khan Manka, Krissy Bailey, Kristina Parker, Lauren Larson, Lisa Cholodenko, Maggie Sowell, Manka Bros., Mark Gill, Melissa Ventura, Peter Rice, Ricki Stern, Ricky Van Veen, Rob Epstein, Robert Redford, Rosie Wong, Shari Springer Berman, Spencer Susser, Tatiana Tensen, Terry Semel, The Weinstein Company

Hello from Maui!

I’m feeling much better and have recovered from the outrageous snub from the Motion Picture Academy – yet still, fuck the Academy Awards.

But life in Hollywood must continue.

As many of you have read, Manka Bros. has stopped going to the Sundance Film Festival because certain executives in the past chose to spend the week living like Caligula rather than conducting business.

Plus, I was getting sick of all the shit that was coming out of that festival – nothing but whiny little prick characters wearing soiled winter coats and not combing their hair. They all were meeting up with fucked up siblings and visiting their fucked up parents for the last time before somebody died.

Either that or some crappy “found footage” horror movie.

And when you would meet the filmmaker, you would discover deep-down what they really want to do is direct the next “Batman” movie and bang chicks. And the female directors pretty much wanted to do the same thing.

All phonies.

But finally a breakthrough!

We discovered a movie that transcends all the bullshit. It is pure, beautiful filmmaking and I knew we needed to have it.

And, goddamnit, we got it! We beat that son of a bitch Harvey Weinstein.

Suck on that, loser!

It’s a short (without sound) – which just might the future – and didn’t cost that much – a few hundred thousand – but it’s a masterpiece.

Congratulations to the team who discovered this online (another cost saver!) and get ready world because “Scoiattolo che mangia arancio” is a game changer!

Click here to watch:

SCOIATTOLO CHE MANGIA ARANCIO

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company