Social Media – Page 6 – Chairman's Blog

May 3, 2012May 3, 2012

Of Course I Bribed Chinese Officials

Andrew D. Gilchrist, Ari Emanuel, Ayn Rand, Ben Silverman, blog advertising, Camel Turkish Gold, Chairman's Blog, cigarette advertising, Daniel J. Herko, Daniel M. Delan, Forensics, High School Forensics, Jay McBee, Jeff Weiner, Khan Manka, Lisa J. Caldwell, Manka Bros., MBS, Nikki Finke, R.J. Reynolds, Robert H. Dunham, Sharon Waxman, Terry Semel, thewrap.com, Walton T. Carpenter, world's largest media company, Chinese bribery, Hollywood in China, Mao Zedong, Cultural Revolution, making movies in China

What’s the big freakin’ deal?

Have you ever tried doing anything in China?

It’s impossible if you don’t bribe.

If you don’t bribe, you don’t get in the country. (You suddenly have issues with your visa?)

If you don’t bribe, you get a hotel room with a disgusting hole in the floor instead of a western toilet.

If you don’t bribe, your car breaks down in the middle of some god forsaken scrub land in the hills outside of Beijing. Then you have to sit on the side of the road while your driver laughs at you and then proceeds to sacrifice a chicken and cooks the legs for lunch using his cigarette lighter.

If you don’t bribe, you don’t do business in China.

But it really doesn’t take much. It’s not nearly as expensive as the bribes I had to pay to American officials and union bosses.

You would be amazed how much work you can get done in China just by dangling a carton of Camel Turkish Gold cigarettes in front of someone.

Funny story – I was in China a couple of years ago visiting my girlfriend on the set of our movie “Tae Kwon Doug”. When I got to the set, no one was doing anything. The Chinese crew was playing some bizarre game with colored tiles and drinking some white lightning dragon fire pure alcohol.

I started to ask the American actors what the fuck was going on and I was told the bribe we paid in order to start shooting was in local RMB currency and not in American dollars. Local RMB is like toilet paper to the Chinese. American dollars are preferred.

I immediately fired the American producer, pulled out a few $1 bills from my pocket, spread them around – and suddenly, everyone was ready to work.

As a bonus, I threw in a carton of Camel Turkish Gold and a bottle of American whiskey. We finished shooting the entire movie in three days. It was supposed to be a six week shoot.

That’s what I call results.

So… memo to the Department of Justice… if you want me to cooperate with your little investigation into our business practices in China, it’s going to cost you a few dollars, a few cigarettes and a whole lot of booze.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

January 25, 2012January 23, 2013

Davos World Economic Forum – 2012 – Khan Manka, Jr. Keynote Address

Adrian Monck, Al Berkeley, Alan Marcus, Alex Wong, Andre Schneider, Angela Bromstad, Ari Emanuel, Ben Silverman, Carine Benetti, Carla Bruni-Sarkozy, Carlos Ghosn, Carsten Sudhoff, Christine Lagarde, Christophe Weber, Cristiana Falcone, David Aikman, Davos World Economic Forum, Denise Burnet, Dominic Waughray, Electus, Emilio Lozoya Austin, Ernesto Zedillo Ponce de Leon, Fon Mathuros, Giancarlo Bruno, Gilbert Probst, Guy Goodwin, Guy-Serge Baer, H.M. Queen Rania, Harry Manka, Heizo Takenaka, Helena Leurent, Indra Nooyi, Irene Mia, Ivan Pictet, Jean-Loup Denereaz, Jean-Pierre Rosso, Jeff Immelt, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jennifer Blanke, Jeremy Jurgens, John Moavenzadeh, Josef Ackermann, Joseph Schoendorf, Julianne Jammers, Katerine Tweedie, Kevin Steinberg, Khan Manka, Klaus Schwab, Kofi Annan, Kristel Van der Elst, Kurt Alig, Laurent Desnoux, Lee Howell, Lisa Dreier, Logan Stanton, Malte Godbersen, Manka Bros., Margareta Drzeniek Hanouz, Martina Gmur, Massimo Marino, Maurice Levy, Max von Bismarck, Melanie Rogers, Michael Dell, Mirjam Schoning, Nazi gold, Niall FitzGerald, Nicolas Sarkozy, Olivier Raynaud, OnMedea, Orit Gadiesh, Paul Smyke, Peter Brabeck-Letmathe, Peter Sutherland, Piers Cumberlege, Pratik Bhatnagar, Rajat Gupta, Regula Waltenspuel, Richard Samans, Ricky Van Veen, Robert Greenhill, Rupert Murdoch, Saadia Zahidi, Sarita Nayyar, Sheana Tambourgi, Sherif El Diwany, Stephanie Janet, Stephen Kinnock, Sumner Redstone, Susan Hockfield, Sushant Palakurthi Rao, Terry Semel, Tony Blair, Victor L.L. Chu, William George, world's largest media company, Victor Pinchuk, Denis O'Brien, Vikas Oberoi, Kevin Steinberg, Henry Ross Perot, George Soros, Viktor Vekselberg, Nicolas Berggruen, Rahul Bajaj, Adi Godrej, Brian Behlendorf, Borge Brende, Robert Greenhill, W. Lee Howell, Adrian Monck, Gilbert J. B. Probst, Alois Zwinggi, David Aikman, Roberto Bocca, Denise Burnet, Piers A. Cumberlege, jean-Loup Denereaz, Martina Gmur, Malte Godbersen, jeremy Jurgens, Sushant Palakurthi Rao, OIivier Raynaud, mel Rogers, Mirjam Schoning, Carsten Sudhoff, Dominic Waughray, Alex Wong, Saadia Zahidi, Guy-Serge Baer, Carine Benetti, Fon Mathuros Chantanayingyong, Thea Chiesa, Laurent Desnoux, Margareta Drzeniek Hanouz, Miroslav Dusek, Diana El-Azar, Guy Goodwin, Silvia Von Gunten, Andrew J. Hagan, Michael Hanley, Chiemi Hayashi, Julianne Jammers, Stephanie Janet, Elsi Kanza, Thomas Kerr, Kamal Kimaoui, Stephen Kinnock, Randall Krantz, Roldolfo Lara Torres, Emma Loades, Grant McKibbin, Katherine Milligan, Michele Petochi, Akira Tsuchiya, Kristel Van der Elst, Regula Waltenspuel, Zhang Li, Josef Ackermann, Mukesh Ambani, Kofi Annan, Peter Brabeck-Letmathe, Mark J. Carney, Victor L. L. Chu, Michael S. Dell, Oriti Gadiesh, Carlos Ghosn, Herman Gref, Susan Hockfield, Christine Lagarde, Maurice Levy, Luis A. Moreno, Indra Nooyi, H. M. Queen Rania Al Abdullah of the hashemite Kingdom of Jordan, Peter Sands, Joseph P. Schoendorf, Josette Sheeran, Peter D. Sutherland, Heizo Takenaka, Ben J. Verwaayen, George Yeo Yong-Boon, Ernesto Zedillo Ponce de Leon, Zhu Min, Paul Graham, Y Combinator, Hollywood vs. Silicon Valley

[Manka Bros. Studios Chairman & CEO Khan Manka, Jr. gave a keynote address today at the Davos World Economic Forum. He wanted me to post a transcript of his speech which I made watching a video feed. It is posted, unedited, below. — Vicky Adler-Modry – Senior Executive Assistant to Khan Manka, Jr.]

KHAN MANKA, JR. ADDRESSES THE DAVOS, SWITZERLAND WORLD ECONOMIC FORUM – JANUARY 25, 2012

(Klaus Schwab – Founder and Executive Chairman of the World Economic Forum – is at a podium. Bon Jovi’s “Living On A Prayer” is playing. The music fades.)

Klaus Schwab (heavily accented English): Good morning. I hope you all have had enough snow. We may be able to control the finances of the world but I guess we cannot control the weather… yet.

(He laughs – he’s the only one.)

Klaus Schwab: So, did you have a good night? Lots of drinking last night and I’m not sure what was in that cheese fondue but – oh, my – let’s just say it was a tough night. So enough about me and my toilet issues. Let’s get it started – like my friend Khan from Hollywood likes to say. Our keynote address this morning is from Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO of Manka Bros. Studios – currently the world’s largest media company—

Khan Manka, Jr.: — Maybe not after the shitty numbers we had last year!

(Big laugh from the assembled.)

Klaus Schwab: Okay. Whatever. He really needs no introduction – so I won’t give him one – here is Khan Manka, Jr.

(“Rock You Like A Hurricane” plays as Khan Manka, Jr. gives Klaus Schwab a hug and steps up to the podium. Applause.)

Khan Manka, Jr.: Thank you. Thanks so much. Please, thanks, I only have a few minutes. Please, I want to get out of Switzerland more than Roman Polanski – believe me…

(Applause stops. There are a couple of ‘boos’ after that remark.)

Khan Manka, Jr.: Thank you Klaus. I had a few jokes prepared at your expense but your goons told me to lay off – so I’ll just get to my prepared remarks. But before I do that can I just say to the Motion Picture Academy – go fuck yourselves. How about a little taste of that, huh? No nominations? Maybe next year you should watch the movies you nominate. OK, Klaus, I get it – on to my prepared remarks.

(Klaus Schwab smiles painfully and leaves the stage.)

Khan Manka, Jr.: I was originally going to call my speech “Don’t Drop The SOPA” – but then I realized there were about 10,000 blogs that have used that as well as a very unfunny political pundit on Fox News. So I’ll just have to punt on that dumb joke. Though the analogy is apt. When you drop the soap in prison – well, you know what happens. If Hollywood studios were to drop the SOPA – well, the same thing would happen.

(A slight titter in the audience.)

Khan Manka, Jr.: So… this is my second trip in a year to give a speech in Switzerland. As many of you know, I spoke to the creepy Bilderberg Conference last summer. I won’t go into details – but it was the worst 24 hours of my life. I mean, the hooded waiters were one thing – but the Lionel Richie concert – that was just too much!

(Big laugh from the room.)

Khan Manka, Jr.: Man, when the Davos bankers think the Bilderbergers are creepy – you know they must be REALLY REALLY CREEPY. Cause you guys are a fucked up bunch. Do you really think you can do anything to help anybody in the world? You freaks are delusional. Panels and Powerpoint slides aren’t going to cut it. Admit it, you’re here for the hot toddys and snow bunnies– that’s right, I’m looking at you Angela Merkel!

(A few gasps and a couple of walk outs.)

Khan Manka, Jr.: Wait wait… that’s not the tone I want to strike. I’m actually here to ask for your help. The last time I spoke at this conference was two years ago and I slammed you all pretty good. I definitely remember calling that guy ‘fat’ – (pointing to a guy in the audience) – but I’m not going to do that this year – even though, dude, the health club here at the hotel is free, man – take advantage.

(There is an unseen ‘Fuck you’ from the audience. Klaus Schwab comes on the stage.)

Klaus Schwab: Just read from your script. Please.

Khan Manka, Jr.: Got it, Klaus. You guys are definitely not going to do anything good for the world if you can’t take a joke. OK – my speech. (reading) In Hollywood, we are facing the battle of our lives. This is a battle for our very existence. As many of you know, entrepreneurs from Silicon Valley are a bunch of conceited pricks who think they can do whatever they want. Whether it’s using Hollywood content without permission or stealing other people’s ideas, putting a new logo on it and calling it ‘revolutionary’ (is Paul Graham here today?) – we’ve got a big problem on our hands.

(The crowd is getting uneasy.)

Khan Manka, Jr.: And there really is only one solution. One of us must win. And one of us must lose. I, for one, do not lose. So the loser is Silicon Valley. But we’re going to need a lot of support from the bankers and billionaires of the world to basically shut down the area between, oh, let’s say – San Francisco and Santa Barabara. Just shut it down. Make all the wine you want – but no more stupid social networks. No more loans. No more IPOs. Just shut the fucker down. The world can get their computers and dorky FarmVille games from somewhere else. I’m sure there are companies in Switzerland capable of making digital sheep. I mean, you make a lot of real sheep, am I right?

(A nervous Klaus Schwab has come back onto the stage is standing close to Khan Manka, Jr.)

Khan Manka, Jr.: Klaus, please, back off. Do you want me to tell the crowd that it wasn’t the cheese that put you on that toilet all night?

(Klaus Schwab backs away a bit but stays on the stage.)

Khan Manka, Jr.: Now I can tell there are a few people here from Silicon Valley. I can tell because you are wearing hoodies instead of business casual like you were told. Yet another rule you seem to have disregard for. Why would you care less about what your hosts want or think? It’s called human decency, assholes. You could care less about anything because you think you run the world.

(There is a commotion in the crowd. A couple of members of the Swiss Army swoop in and take away a screaming man in a hoodie. Several gadgets fall out of his pockets.)

Khan Manka, Jr.: Well, listen up, Silicon Valley – and, yes, you, too, Paul Graham who wishes to “Kill Hollywood” – it’s game on and today is Day 1.

If you think you can make premium content and distribute it in a way that makes money without us involved – go for it. Good luck. Just because you geeks think you talk like the characters on “Big Bang Theory” doesn’t mean you can write the dialogue. There are professionals. And there are amateurs. In the world of content, who do you think is the professional? That’s right. Game – set – match.

(There is chaos in the room as a couple of guys in hoodies approach the stage.)

Khan Manka, Jr.: Oh, really, hoodie boy, you wanna go?!

Klaus Schwab rushes to the podium and puts a hand on Khan Manka, Jr.’s shoulder. The Swiss Army guys remove the men in hoodies.)

Khan Manka, Jr.: Um… “Welcome To The Terrordome” was suppose to play here. You assholes aren’t going to play my music cues now? I’m fucking surrounded by amateurs. I am done with Switzerland. Victor (Pinchuk), I’m de-icing the plane – whenever you’re ready I am out of here.

(Khan Manka, Jr. walks off the stage. )

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

January 19, 2012

Manka Bros. Is Not Attending The Sundance Film Festival

Amy Mcgee, Ari Emanuel, Ben Silverman, Bob Weinstein, Brooks Addicott, Casey De la Rosa, Derek Cianfrance, Elizabeth Leidt, FilmBuff, Harvey Weinstein, James Schamus, Jeff Schamus, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, John Cooper, John Sloss, John Wells, Julieta Esteban, Khan Manka, Krissy Bailey, Kristina Parker, Lauren Larson, Lisa Cholodenko, Maggie Sowell, Manka Bros., Mark Gill, Melissa Ventura, Peter Rice, Ricki Stern, Ricky Van Veen, Rob Epstein, Robert Redford, Rosie Wong, Shari Springer Berman, Spencer Susser, Tatiana Tensen, Terry Semel, The Weinstein Company

To all the acquisition and distribution executives at Manka Highbrow, Manka Dogma, Manka Docs and the new Manka Mumblecore – due to the shitty year you all had in 2011, you will not be attending the Sundance Film Festival this year.

If you desperately feel the need to attend in order to bid on a movie starring Patricia Clarkson and William H. Macy about people who have no idea how to cope in a world filled with so much suffering, then I suggest you quit your job and start a new company that specializes in distributing videos shot on camcorders that no one wants to see!

When times are good, Manka Bros. has no trouble throwing away money at meaningless film festivals. (Am I the only one that feels the films are only shown to kill time in between parties? If you want to get drunk all the time go to CES!)

And, yes, sometimes we even get lucky – for instance, when we picked up the rights to Snuffing Out The Magic Fury (which will finally open next month after extensive recuts and reshoots and recasts).

But, too bad, junior executives, there will be no more $600 a night rooms with $1,000 a night “entertainment” bar tabs while you try to sleep with 22-year-old “directors” who would do anything to get their $300 film about an autistic coal miner distributed by a major Hollywood studio.

I realize you’ve probably already purchased your $400 ski caps that you were planning on wearing throughout the festival because independent film makers are way too cool to shower (and, of course, you have to be just like them).

I guess you’ll have to return the clothes at lunch today.

We have a new theatrical policy here at Manka Bros. – WE WILL NOT PRODUCE OR DISTRIBUTE ANY FILM THAT DOES NOT MAKE MONEY!

So for the young writers and directors of the world who make films about:

The various plights of high school geeks growing up in the 60s, 70s, 80s, 90s;
Immigrants trying to survive in modern day Mobile, Alabama;
Poets trying to break free from their oppressive capitalist “day jobs”
Cancer movies of every size and shape;
(and, my favorite) Movies about filmmakers trying to get their films made in Hollywood where everyone who works at a studio is some kind of idiot…

I’m sorry, you’ll have to find some other sucker to distribute your story that MUST BE TOLD.

Harvey Weinstein is flush with cash with all that money he saved by distributing a silent movie! Go bother him – he’ll be the one smoking.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

January 17, 2012January 17, 2012

Jerry Yang: Manka Bros. Would Like To Offer You A Job

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Good afternoon.

I was just made aware by one of my assistants that Jerry Yang (founder and Chief Yahoo! of Yahoo! – whatever the fuck that means) is leaving the company.

I guess the Board of Directors and the Shareholders finally got their way and successfully shoved him out.

As someone who is constantly being told to leave my own company due to poor performance, I can empathize with Jerry.

My only question is, why didn’t they shove him out after he stupidly refused Microsoft’s $32/share offer to buy Yahoo!?

But no matter – I’m not here to shit on his grave and piss on his legacy. I’m here to offer him a job.

Manka Bros. is the world’s largest media company and can offer a decent salary, dental, medical, life and dismemberment insurance package (God forbid you get dismembered sitting at a desk) that rivals all the other studios in Hollywood (except maybe Disney – you get free Disneyland admission when you work there – that’s a $10,000 value… per trip).

So – Jerry – I know you’re reeling right now and probably worried about where your next paycheck is coming from. But worry no more – your next paycheck is coming from Manka Bros.

You can basically pick which area you would like to work in (except in our online group – your track record is pretty spotty there).

I would be happy to replace any of the suck ass senior executives that are currently running the various divisions. They’re all terrible at their jobs (off the record – no, fuck it – ON the record).

Give me a call at my office at your earliest convenience so we can discuss a start date.

FYI, I will be leaving for the Davos World Economic Forum in a couple of days where I will be giving yet another keynote address – so get back to me before then.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO (& Chief Yahoo!) – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

January 10, 2012January 8, 2013

CES After Dark

Ari Emanuel, Ben Silverman, Bob's Big Boy Burbank, Electus, Fred Willard, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jill Kennedy, kara swisher, Khan Manka, Les Moonves, Manka Bros., Melinda the first lady of magic, nikki finke, Nokia Theater, OnMedea, Philippe Dauman, Rupert Murdoch, sharon waxman, Sherry Lansing, Sumner Redstone, Taylor Swift, Terry Semel, The black Eyed Peas, thewrap.com, Viacom's Holiday party, Accel Partners, Alan Eustace, Allen Blue, Ann Mather, Arvind Rajan, Ben Silverman, Bob Iger, Bret Taylor, Chamath Palihapitiya, Chris Hughes, Christopher Cox, Dan Rose, David Drummond, David Ebersman, David Fischer, David Henke, David Kirkpatrick, David Sze, Deep Nishar, Dustin Moskovitz, Eduardo Saverin, Ellen Levy, Elliot Schrage, Emilie Choi, Eric Schmidt, Erika Rottenberg, Gerald Levin, Greylock Partners, HBO, Jean-Luc Vaillant, Jeff Bewkes, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jill Kennedy, Jim Breyer, Joanna Shields, John Doerr, John Hennessy, Jon Miller, Jonathan Heiliger, Jonathan Rosenberg, Justin Aselage, Katrina Hau, Kevin Eyres, Khan Manka, Li Ka-shing, Lori Goler, Manka Bros., Marc Andreessen, Mark Cuban, Mark Zuckerberg, Matt Cohler, Mike Gamson, Mike Murphy, Mike Schroepfer, MySpace, Nicolas Carlson, Nikesh Arora, OnMedea, Owen Van Natta, Patrick Crane, Patrick Pichette, Paul Buchheit, Paul Madera, Paul Otellini, Peter Thiel, Ram Shriram, Reid Hoffman, Robby Kwok, Rupert Murdoch, Sergey Brin, Sheryl Sandberg, Shirley Tilghman, Shona Brown, Steve Cadigan, Steve Patrizi, Steve Sordello, Sumner Redstone, Ted Ullyot, Tony DiSanto, Toy Story 3

So last night I got really drunk.

I’m not exactly sure how I wound up in one of Caesars’ vomitoriums face down – and I’m not sure why I wasn’t wearing pants.

Lying in the stall next to me was Harvey Weinstein – out cold. I was not going to investigate his pants situation.

I left Harvey, got a pack of gum from the guy standing at the sink and went to find some pants. I would like to publicly thank the Hugo Boss store in the Caesars’ Forum Shops for being open so early.

I was not the only one there needing to buy pants. Inside were various computer geeks, Silicon Valley dorks and movie executives all scouring the rack for anything that would fit. “Happens all the time, especially during CES,” – said Ky – our store helper.

What a night! I’m not sure what kind of drugs they were putting in the drinks at the Microsoft event – but whatever they were, they were potent. God, Ballmer sucked, didn’t he? Fuck that Tweet choir! SELL SELL SELL! [MANKA BROS. LEGAL DISCLAIMER: It can’t be proved that Microsoft or anyone else put drugs in the drinks.]

I only remember flashes from last night.

Really fucked up flashes…

Warren Lieberfarb still trying to sell me on his ridiculous Lieberscanner3000.

Bob Iger freaking me out with his sleight of hand magic tricks.

Discussing Schopenhauer with Ryan Seacrest. I will never forget him stumbling over and screaming in my face: “After your death you will be what you were before your birth… bitch!”

Ben Silverman trying to convince me he is a visionary (epic fail).

Barry Diller calling me over to the nickel slots so that he could tell me how much he loves the Oakland Raiders.

Rupert Murdoch teaching me to blow smoke out of my eyes.

Sumner Redstone dancing on Cleopatra’s Barge… with Cleopatra!

It goes on and on. A never ending parade of drunken moguls and fucked up geeks.

Thank God I am back in my regular suite and have eaten a great deal of bacon. Tonight, I fear, will be another drunken night.

I wasn’t planning on coming to Vegas. I hate CES. Especially CES After Dark. But Sumner wanted to party – so I took pity on the old man and agreed.

I gave a keynote speech here last year telling everyone how much I hated CES.

This year my only goal is to drink until I throw up and then pass out. Night #1: Mission accomplished.

Now I have to go sit on a stupid panel for a idiotic Facebook game my company is producing. A bullshit thing based on our high-profile summer blockbuster flop “Rampage Of The Stegosaur.” You get points by clicking on the dinosaurs until they become extinct.

God what a horrible place Hollywood has become.

Fuck new media.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

October 12, 2011October 12, 2011

Gay Moroccan Poetry Is Not Going To Save Our Publishing Business

1982 Mouton-Rothchild, Cyrus Weinstein, Dan Brown, DC Comics, Gay Moroccan Poetry, Gotcha, Great Receipts by Unknown Chefs, Khan Manka, Long-Tail Strategy, Manka Bros., MC Comics, Moroccan Literature, publishing business, Punk'd, Simon & Schuster, Slivovitz, The DaVinci Code, Travel Blog, World's Largest Media Company, Allen & Company retreat, Ari Emanuel, Barry Diller, Ben Silverman, Bob Iger, Carol Bartz, DumbDumb, Electus, Eric Schmidt, Gina Bianchini, Herb Allen, Herb Allen Sun Valley Conference, Herbert Allen, Jeff Bewkes, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jeffrey Immelt, Jerry Yang, Khan Manka, Lady Gaga, Leslie Moonves, Lloyd Grohl, Manka Bros., Marissa Mayer, Mark Pincus, Mark Zuckerberg, Peter Chernin, Phillippe Dauman, Reid Hoffman, Richard Parsons, Ricky Van Veen, Rupert Murdoch, Sergey Brin, Sheryl Sandberg, Steve Jobs, Sun Valley Retreat, Sun Valley Retreat 2010, Terry Semel, World's Largest Media Company, Chase Carey, James Murdoch, Elisabeth Murdoch, Lachlan Murdoch, Jim Gianopulos, Joel Klein, Jon Miller, Steve Burke, Michael Angelakis, Leslie Moonves, Philippe Dauman, Jeff Bewkes, John Martin, Howard Stringer, Rob Wiesenthal, Michael Lynton, John Malone, Greg Maffei, Haim Saban, David Zaslav, John Hendricks, Mike White, Edgar Bronfman, Len Blavatnik, Tim Armstrong, Peter Chernin, Tom Freston, Carol Bartz, Jerry Yang, Mark Pincus, Owen Van Natta, Brian Roberts, Jason Kilar, Wayne Willich, Reid Hoffman, Harvey Weinstein, Diane Von Furstenberg, Andrew Mason, Jason Kilar, Ben Horowitz, Gina Bianchini, Mark Pincus, Ali Pincus, Robert Wiesenthal, Tom Freston, Bing Gordon, Bill Gates, Chris Christie, Martin Sorrell, Eric Lefkofsky, Oprah Winfrey

Last night, I had dinner with Cyrus Weinstein – President of the Manka Bros. Publishing Group.

He informed me that his group is in ‘super-duper danger’ (as opposed to the ‘super danger’ he told me about last year) with books and magazine sales way down year-over-year (a ‘reverse hockey stick’, I believe he said).

“If you aren’t on a plane, train or toilet, you aren’t reading a book, ” he said. “And it’s not just because of the recession – the full scale shift in how people consume media is nearly complete. And because of lower pricing and customer confusion, things really suck right now.”

Apparently, the increase in digital downloads and advertising from online publishing sites (including our own Mankazines and Manka Books websites) are not making up the difference. The only apparent bright spot was our MC Comics division which we continue to mine for feature film franchises (most of which fail at the box office… but I digress).

As we proceeded to eat our $200 steaks at Cut in Beverly Hills (which I certainly hope Cyrus will not attempt to put through on his fucking expense report!), I asked him what he thought, if anything, could turn things around.

He told me one word… “niche.”

He has developed a ‘long tail’ niche publishing strategy that will focus completely on his target audience – PEOPLE WHO BUY BOOKS (i.e., old people, gay people, lonely widows, etc.).

He punctuated his thought by telling me that Manka Iambic (our Poetry Publishing imprint – who knew?) had just signed gay Moroccan poet Ahmet Ghary Cool to a two book deal worth over $1 million dollars.

His first book for us will be called Awake In My Dreams and will come in a month or so.

“How many poetry books by this guy do you expect to sell?”, I asked.

As Cyrus drank from his glass of 1982 Mouton-Rothchild, he said… “Two to three thousand in the first year and then a few hundred every year after that – mostly to gay Moroccan college students. It’s not about sales. It’s about prestige.”

After a long pause and a couple of shots of Slivovitz, I asked him what else was on the drawing board.

“We have a terrific new cook book coming out called Great Recipes By Unknown Chefs and a user-generated travel book called Best Of The Internet Travel Blogs.”

For some reason, I thought I was on some sort of Gotcha/Punk’d television show where the host would come out and Cyrus would say it was all a joke.

But it wasn’t a joke.

This is the future of our Publishing Group and it seriously scares the shit out of me.

Cyrus Weinstein has been a trailblazing executive in the publishing world for over 40 years but I think his dinosaur bones are starting to show and it may be time to bury him so that future generations can dig him up and say “Oh, so this is what a publishing executive looked like.”

But… he has earned my respect over the years and he deserves the shot to make his new strategy work.

God help us all.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

September 28, 2011October 13, 2011

Hollywood Is Out Of Visionaries

Allen & Company retreat, Ari Emanuel, Barry Diller, Ben Silverman, Bob Iger, Carol Bartz, DumbDumb, Electus, Eric Schmidt, Gina Bianchini, Herb Allen, Herb Allen Sun Valley Conference, Herbert Allen, Jeff Bewkes, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jeffrey Immelt, Jerry Yang, Khan Manka, Lady Gaga, Leslie Moonves, Lloyd Grohl, Manka Bros., Marissa Mayer, Mark Pincus, Mark Zuckerberg, Peter Chernin, Phillippe Dauman, Reid Hoffman, Richard Parsons, Ricky Van Veen, Rupert Murdoch, Sergey Brin, Sheryl Sandberg, Steve Jobs, Sun Valley Retreat, Sun Valley Retreat 2010, Terry Semel, World's Largest Media Company, Chase Carey, James Murdoch, Elisabeth Murdoch, Lachlan Murdoch, Jim Gianopulos, Joel Klein, Jon Miller, Steve Burke, Michael Angelakis, Leslie Moonves, Philippe Dauman, Jeff Bewkes, John Martin, Howard Stringer, Rob Wiesenthal, Michael Lynton, John Malone, Greg Maffei, Haim Saban, David Zaslav, John Hendricks, Mike White, Edgar Bronfman, Len Blavatnik, Tim Armstrong, Peter Chernin, Tom Freston, Carol Bartz, Jerry Yang, Mark Pincus, Owen Van Natta, Brian Roberts, Jason Kilar, Wayne Willich, Reid Hoffman, Harvey Weinstein, Diane Von Furstenberg, Andrew Mason, Jason Kilar, Ben Horowitz, Gina Bianchini, Mark Pincus, Ali Pincus, Robert Wiesenthal, Tom Freston, Bing Gordon, Bill Gates, Chris Christie, Martin Sorrell, Eric Lefkofsky, Oprah Winfrey

UPDATE: And now we can add Bob Iger to the list below. The coward couldn’t stick it out like a real mogul would. Real moguls don’t retire.

——–

This morning, about 11:00, I had an epiphany.

I was trying to think of someone in this fucking town that I wanted to have lunch with today.

I couldn’t think of anyone.

Everyone is so freakin’ boring these days that I ended up telling my driver, Leif Garrett, to go pick up my daughter, Connie, at school and bring her to the studio so I could have lunch with her.

I was stunned that I would rather hear about her morning learning about the Civil War (or some shit) than I would meeting with some other studio mogul to find out what they are up to.

Because I already know the answer – they are up to nothing. They are up to bullshit.

I have never been so bored with my industry as I am right now. Hollywood is in full blown reactive mode.

We are spending our days and nights trying to figure out how to put our beautiful, expensive, well-produced content on a 3 inch screen.

We are working so hard for the tech geeks who are innovating and inventing these new devices and services that this very same beautiful, expensive, well-produced content is on a collision course with a mountain of shit.

Hollywood was built on innovation and there is nothing happening on that front.

Some would argue – “Hell, yeah, we’re innovating, we’re transitioning to digital! It’s an inflection point, bitch!”

Fuck that.

All those ideas, all that technology, all that innovation is coming from somewhere else.

Twenty-five year old dorks with nothing to lose are making us old moguls obsolete. And worse? They are dictating the terms. (30% to show my stupid movie on your stupid Facebook?!)

Nothing new is coming out of Hollywood. We are creatively bankrupt.

Yes, content is king. And we make the content the world wants to see. But it’s the same goddamned content over and over – and that seems to be okay with everyone in this town.

Manka Bros. has the worst Fall TV line-up on MBS I have ever seen. And no one seems to care – certainly not Jay McBee – who does nothing with his time but train for Triathlons (that he loses).

I mean, as long as the bonus checks keep clearing, why the fuck wouldn’t we just keep things at the status quo? Right?

All my friends, visionaries at one point in their lives, are passing their remaining days doing bullshit. It’s depressing.

Barry Diller started a broadcast network out of scotch tape and bubble gum wrappers (Fox) and today he owns a dating service and has to listen to the stupid “ground breaking” ideas of Ben Silverman.

Michael Eisner revitalized and rebuilt one of the great studios of all time and now he’s producing little videos for the internet and going duck hunting. Does anyone really know what the hell he is trying to do?

Jeffrey Katzenberg kicked some ass at Disney and created an environment that enabled a dead genre (animated features) to become popular again. Today, he is most likely preparing Monsters, Inc. 2 and reading a draft of the Kung Fu Panda 3 screenplay. Just sell your studio already, Jeffrey, it’s never going to be the empire you imagined at one time – when you still had dreams.

And then there are these guys – my great friends – the ones that truly built something from nothing:

Rupert Murdoch – who built a global media empire from a tiny grade school newspaper (or something) – and now he’s just sitting around his office in the dark listening to Pippa Middleton’s phone messages.

Sumner Redstone – Well, I think he was more lucky than good and didn’t really do much in his life except yell at people and try to pick up hot chicks. (OK, I’m sure he did something significant somewhere along the line, but he’s still staying at my house on-and-off these days, so I’m pissed at him right now. This guy doesn’t flush the toilet. It’s horrifying. And those Charlie’s Angels posters from the 1970s are just embarrassing.)

And Ted Turner, one of the craziest risk takers and innovators the media world has ever seen – all that great shit he built from nothing – is now making buffalo burgers.

Sure, these guys, as I myself, are getting old and there really isn’t much more we can accomplish because death will most likely put an end to any future plans we have.

And, really, the energy level just isn’t there. I mean, the Mogulympics at Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Retreat this year was just pathetic.

The biggest problem I have at my studio is – there isn’t a new generation of innovators in Hollywood to take the old trailblazers’ place. They’re all going to Silicon Valley – and why not? There sure as shit isn’t anything going on here.

My father wouldn’t consider himself a visionary by any means (and, frankly, no one else would either). He was a total prick whose main accomplishments in life were stealing other people’s ideas and having heart attacks. But he and his brothers (THE Manka Bros.) were Thomas Edisons compared to today’s Hollywood.

All we have today is a generation of cost-cutters and an army of people minding the bottom line.

Innovation has left town and it’s not coming back.

We’re Hollywood, goddamnit, we’re important – how the fuck did we let that happen?

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

September 16, 2011September 16, 2011

Camel Turkish Gold – Breathe In The Turkish

Good afternoon.

As the writer of a wildly popular blog (I only started it to better communicate with my employees at Manka Bros.) and the fact that I am a major figure in the media world, I receive quite a few offers to endorse products.

Most of them shit products like Coke or BMW.

Frankly, there is nothing I would rather do less than endorse someone else’s stupid product. It offends me that anyone thinks they can buy my services for any price.

If you want to hire a whore, call Jay McBee (President of the Manka Bros. Television Group) or Michael Eisner or Ben Silverman (!!).

So when the good people of Camel called my office to see if I wanted to push their Turkish Gold cigarettes on my blog, I was completely offended and told them to get the fuck off my phone!

Who the hell do they think they are? I’m Khan Fucking Manka!

I don’t push YOUR products – you push MINE!

Assholes!

I don’t need to be paid a boatload of money by some greedy corporation to express my love for Camel Turkish Gold cigarettes.

Seriously, each drag of a Camel Turkish Gold cigarette is super smooth – silky almost. Like an autumn breeze in Instanbul.

It’s the only cigarette I would ever smoke.

Camel Turkish Gold – “Breathe In The Turkish!”

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

P.S. Camel Turkish Gold is the sole sponsor of Forensics on MBS.

September 8, 2011September 8, 2011

Manka Bros. Would Like To Offer Carol Bartz A Job

Good afternoon.

I am back from my house in the Seychelles and ready to go. I trust everyone had a good July and August (with the exception of my great friend Rupert Murdoch) and I pray Manka Bros. can finish strong to help save this cesspool of a year.

(If anyone asks me about my summer or how things are going with Leann Womack, you will be fired.)

On my return to the office (by the way, would it have killed anyone to fucking dust my goddamned desk?), I noticed that the idiots on the Yahoo! Board of Directors (yes, I’m talking to you Vyomesh Joshi!) fired CEO Carol Bartz.

Are they out of their fucking minds?

Before Ms. Bartz came along, Yahoo! was nothing but a second-rate search engine with a decent news and finance area. And now look at them!

Fucking idiots.

I could tell things were bad at Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Retreat this year. She wasn’t pounding whiskey sours the way I know she can. She must have known something was coming.

Well, Ms. Bartz, if I may write at you directly, today is your lucky day.

Manka Bros. – the World’s Largest Media Company – would like to hire you. And you can pretty much pick which area of the studio you would like to run.

Since everyone seems to suck at their jobs lately, I would be more than happy to fire the person you would like to replace.

It would be really sweet to get rid of Jay McBee – but you may not have much of an interest in television.

We offer a competitive salary and benefits package (comparable to all of the other division heads at Manka Bros. – with the exception of COO Lloyd Grohl who, I think, even earns more than I do).

If you accept, be sure and bring that foul mouth with you.

I would love to see you go off on someone who might accidentally park in your parking spot. That would make my day!

So, think about it. Burbank is really nice this time of year.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

P.S. – If things don’t work out and our Board of Directors has to fire you, I can assure you it will be in person and not via text or phone message. The Board gets off on seeing the face of the person being fired.

July 22, 2011July 5, 2022

Leaving For My House In The Seychelles

Allen & Company retreat, Anne Mulcahy, Anne Sweeney, Ari Emanuel, Barry Diller, Ben Silverman, Bob Iger, Bobby Kotick, Carol Bartz, Charlie Rose, Cory Booker, DumbDumb, Electus, Eric Schmidt, Erin Burnett, Gina Bianchini, Harvey Weinstein, Herb Allen, Herb Allen Sun Valley Conference, Herbert Allen, Jean-Bernard Levy, Jeff Bewkes, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jeffrey Immelt, Jerry Yang, John Donahue, Ken Auletta, Khan Manka, Lachlan Murdoch, Lady Gaga, Leslie Moonves, Lionel Barber, Lloyd Grohl, Manka Bros., Marc Andreessen, Marissa Mayer, Mark Pincus, Mark Zuckerberg, Martin Sorrell, Mathias Dopfner, MIchelle Caruso-Cabrera, Mike Bloomberg, Niall FitzGerald, Peter Chernin, Phillippe Dauman, Reid Hoffman, Richard Parsons, Ricky Van Veen, Rob Wiesenthal, Robert L. Johnson, Ron Meyer, Rupert Murdoch, Sergey Brin, Sheryl Sandberg, Steve Jobs, Sun Valley Retreat, Sun Valley Retreat 2010, Terry Semel, Tom Freston, Tom Friedman, Ursula Burns, Vivi Nevo, Warren Buffett, World's Largest Media Company, Comic-Con, Leann Womack, Captain Stoppo, Lloyd Grohl

Good morning.

This afternoon, I will be leaving for my house in the Seychelles and probably won’t return until after Labor Day.

(Quick reminder: Labor Day is not a Holiday at Manka Bros. – this was my father’s thing for some reason and I will uphold the tradition.)

Manka Bros. is having a terrible year and, like my friend Rupert Murdoch, I put the blame squarely on you, the mid-to-lower level employees.

I’m not sure what else you people expect Senior Management to do. We’ve done all we can. It’s now up to you to pull us out of the shitter!

It’s very simple. Make movies that will be successful and TV shows that people want to watch. That’s it. We’re not asking you to create a new life-form.

I would also like someone to solve the digital transition issue by the time I get back.

Lloyd Grohl will have complete control over the studio while I am gone. If anyone needs to reach me – you can’t. I’ll be in touch with you (but probably not).

The plane will be picking up Leann Womack (I know, it’s back on – don’t ask) in Nashville. After that, my phone will be turned off for six weeks. I may blog, I may not.

Also, as some of you may know, Manka Bros. did not have a presence at Comic-Con this year. I gave a keynote address there last year and realized it’s just a little too ridiculous for someone of my stature.

Along those lines, I have decided NOT to move forward with a Captain Stoppo movie. It appears that comic book movies are dead. FYI, this may affect headcount at MC Comics.

I’ll see you in September. Pray that I have good weather and the sand isn’t too hard on my feet.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company