Andrew Mason – Page 2 – Chairman's Blog

December 19, 2011December 19, 2011

Sumner Redstone’s Holiday Party

Ari Emanuel, Ben Silverman, Bob's Big Boy Burbank, Electus, Fred Willard, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jill Kennedy, kara swisher, Khan Manka, Les Moonves, Manka Bros., Melinda the first lady of magic, nikki finke, Nokia Theater, OnMedea, Philippe Dauman, Rupert Murdoch, sharon waxman, Sherry Lansing, Sumner Redstone, Taylor Swift, Terry Semel, The black Eyed Peas, thewrap.com, Viacom's Holiday party

Over the weekend, I went to Sumner Redstone’s Holiday Party at Bob’s Big Boy in Burbank. It was a pretty sad event with only a few of the invited guests bothering to show up.

Sumner kept staring at the front door and mumbled over and over: “Well, it IS raining…” and “After the rain stops, I’m sure more will show up”, etc.

The few of us that did venture out on that cold, rainy Saturday really wish we didn’t.

It was me, Phillipe Dauman, Ben Silverman (with some girl who talked non-stop about how she slept with Tiger Woods and Kobe Bryant), Melinda (the first lady of magic) and Fred Willard.

We had a table in the center of the restaurant. There were no booths available.

This was a new low for Sumner (and, frankly, a new low for me for daring to be seen there).

As many of you know, Sumner has been living on-and-off at my house ever since announcing his divorce last year and I felt bad for the old guy.

He was babbling about rumors out there (from years ago) that News Corp. and his old media enemy Rupert Mudoch want to buy Viacom for the cable channels. While I don’t really think that’s a possibility, Sumner believes everything he reads on the Internet and reacts accordingly.

He told me if Rupert tries to buy him out, he will kill everyone involved and book the first Virgin Galactic flight into outer space where he will live out his days in peace.

The Bob’s Big Boy waitress assigned to our table was getting angry that Sumner wanted to wait for more people to arrive before ordering. She finally said there would be no more free ice tea until food was ordered. “There are people waiting for this table,” she said.

With that, we ordered.

I got the Super Big Boy with onion rings and a strawberry shake. Phillipe Dauman was going to get the lemon cod but changed his mind once he heard what I was getting. He decided on the Super Big Boy with onion rings and a chocolate shake.

Everyone else got a variation on the same theme.

The rest of the evening was too pathetic to mention in much detail:

Melinda (the first lady of magic) balanced a spoon on her nose about twenty times;
Fred Willard went on and on about a sewer problem he was having at his house;
Ben Silverman talked about how he was going to Les Moonves‘ CBS party (which was being held later that night at the Nokia Theater with special musical performances by Common and Taylor Swift);
I was also headed to the CBS party. (Sumner was not invited.)

Our food arrived quickly and the burgers were undercooked. None of us really cared because we wanted to get out of there as fast as possible.

When the checked arrived, Sumner patted his pockets as though he forgot his wallet. Melinda (the first lady of magic) picked up the check for the table. The party was over by 7:30.

Worst Holiday party ever – though the strawberry shake was excellent.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

P.S. – I’ll write about the unbelievable time I had at the CBS party at a later date.

October 12, 2011October 12, 2011

Gay Moroccan Poetry Is Not Going To Save Our Publishing Business

1982 Mouton-Rothchild, Cyrus Weinstein, Dan Brown, DC Comics, Gay Moroccan Poetry, Gotcha, Great Receipts by Unknown Chefs, Khan Manka, Long-Tail Strategy, Manka Bros., MC Comics, Moroccan Literature, publishing business, Punk'd, Simon & Schuster, Slivovitz, The DaVinci Code, Travel Blog, World's Largest Media Company, Allen & Company retreat, Ari Emanuel, Barry Diller, Ben Silverman, Bob Iger, Carol Bartz, DumbDumb, Electus, Eric Schmidt, Gina Bianchini, Herb Allen, Herb Allen Sun Valley Conference, Herbert Allen, Jeff Bewkes, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jeffrey Immelt, Jerry Yang, Khan Manka, Lady Gaga, Leslie Moonves, Lloyd Grohl, Manka Bros., Marissa Mayer, Mark Pincus, Mark Zuckerberg, Peter Chernin, Phillippe Dauman, Reid Hoffman, Richard Parsons, Ricky Van Veen, Rupert Murdoch, Sergey Brin, Sheryl Sandberg, Steve Jobs, Sun Valley Retreat, Sun Valley Retreat 2010, Terry Semel, World's Largest Media Company, Chase Carey, James Murdoch, Elisabeth Murdoch, Lachlan Murdoch, Jim Gianopulos, Joel Klein, Jon Miller, Steve Burke, Michael Angelakis, Leslie Moonves, Philippe Dauman, Jeff Bewkes, John Martin, Howard Stringer, Rob Wiesenthal, Michael Lynton, John Malone, Greg Maffei, Haim Saban, David Zaslav, John Hendricks, Mike White, Edgar Bronfman, Len Blavatnik, Tim Armstrong, Peter Chernin, Tom Freston, Carol Bartz, Jerry Yang, Mark Pincus, Owen Van Natta, Brian Roberts, Jason Kilar, Wayne Willich, Reid Hoffman, Harvey Weinstein, Diane Von Furstenberg, Andrew Mason, Jason Kilar, Ben Horowitz, Gina Bianchini, Mark Pincus, Ali Pincus, Robert Wiesenthal, Tom Freston, Bing Gordon, Bill Gates, Chris Christie, Martin Sorrell, Eric Lefkofsky, Oprah Winfrey

Last night, I had dinner with Cyrus Weinstein – President of the Manka Bros. Publishing Group.

He informed me that his group is in ‘super-duper danger’ (as opposed to the ‘super danger’ he told me about last year) with books and magazine sales way down year-over-year (a ‘reverse hockey stick’, I believe he said).

“If you aren’t on a plane, train or toilet, you aren’t reading a book, ” he said. “And it’s not just because of the recession – the full scale shift in how people consume media is nearly complete. And because of lower pricing and customer confusion, things really suck right now.”

Apparently, the increase in digital downloads and advertising from online publishing sites (including our own Mankazines and Manka Books websites) are not making up the difference. The only apparent bright spot was our MC Comics division which we continue to mine for feature film franchises (most of which fail at the box office… but I digress).

As we proceeded to eat our $200 steaks at Cut in Beverly Hills (which I certainly hope Cyrus will not attempt to put through on his fucking expense report!), I asked him what he thought, if anything, could turn things around.

He told me one word… “niche.”

He has developed a ‘long tail’ niche publishing strategy that will focus completely on his target audience – PEOPLE WHO BUY BOOKS (i.e., old people, gay people, lonely widows, etc.).

He punctuated his thought by telling me that Manka Iambic (our Poetry Publishing imprint – who knew?) had just signed gay Moroccan poet Ahmet Ghary Cool to a two book deal worth over $1 million dollars.

His first book for us will be called Awake In My Dreams and will come in a month or so.

“How many poetry books by this guy do you expect to sell?”, I asked.

As Cyrus drank from his glass of 1982 Mouton-Rothchild, he said… “Two to three thousand in the first year and then a few hundred every year after that – mostly to gay Moroccan college students. It’s not about sales. It’s about prestige.”

After a long pause and a couple of shots of Slivovitz, I asked him what else was on the drawing board.

“We have a terrific new cook book coming out called Great Recipes By Unknown Chefs and a user-generated travel book called Best Of The Internet Travel Blogs.”

For some reason, I thought I was on some sort of Gotcha/Punk’d television show where the host would come out and Cyrus would say it was all a joke.

But it wasn’t a joke.

This is the future of our Publishing Group and it seriously scares the shit out of me.

Cyrus Weinstein has been a trailblazing executive in the publishing world for over 40 years but I think his dinosaur bones are starting to show and it may be time to bury him so that future generations can dig him up and say “Oh, so this is what a publishing executive looked like.”

But… he has earned my respect over the years and he deserves the shot to make his new strategy work.

God help us all.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

September 28, 2011October 13, 2011

Hollywood Is Out Of Visionaries

Allen & Company retreat, Ari Emanuel, Barry Diller, Ben Silverman, Bob Iger, Carol Bartz, DumbDumb, Electus, Eric Schmidt, Gina Bianchini, Herb Allen, Herb Allen Sun Valley Conference, Herbert Allen, Jeff Bewkes, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jeffrey Immelt, Jerry Yang, Khan Manka, Lady Gaga, Leslie Moonves, Lloyd Grohl, Manka Bros., Marissa Mayer, Mark Pincus, Mark Zuckerberg, Peter Chernin, Phillippe Dauman, Reid Hoffman, Richard Parsons, Ricky Van Veen, Rupert Murdoch, Sergey Brin, Sheryl Sandberg, Steve Jobs, Sun Valley Retreat, Sun Valley Retreat 2010, Terry Semel, World's Largest Media Company, Chase Carey, James Murdoch, Elisabeth Murdoch, Lachlan Murdoch, Jim Gianopulos, Joel Klein, Jon Miller, Steve Burke, Michael Angelakis, Leslie Moonves, Philippe Dauman, Jeff Bewkes, John Martin, Howard Stringer, Rob Wiesenthal, Michael Lynton, John Malone, Greg Maffei, Haim Saban, David Zaslav, John Hendricks, Mike White, Edgar Bronfman, Len Blavatnik, Tim Armstrong, Peter Chernin, Tom Freston, Carol Bartz, Jerry Yang, Mark Pincus, Owen Van Natta, Brian Roberts, Jason Kilar, Wayne Willich, Reid Hoffman, Harvey Weinstein, Diane Von Furstenberg, Andrew Mason, Jason Kilar, Ben Horowitz, Gina Bianchini, Mark Pincus, Ali Pincus, Robert Wiesenthal, Tom Freston, Bing Gordon, Bill Gates, Chris Christie, Martin Sorrell, Eric Lefkofsky, Oprah Winfrey

UPDATE: And now we can add Bob Iger to the list below. The coward couldn’t stick it out like a real mogul would. Real moguls don’t retire.

——–

This morning, about 11:00, I had an epiphany.

I was trying to think of someone in this fucking town that I wanted to have lunch with today.

I couldn’t think of anyone.

Everyone is so freakin’ boring these days that I ended up telling my driver, Leif Garrett, to go pick up my daughter, Connie, at school and bring her to the studio so I could have lunch with her.

I was stunned that I would rather hear about her morning learning about the Civil War (or some shit) than I would meeting with some other studio mogul to find out what they are up to.

Because I already know the answer – they are up to nothing. They are up to bullshit.

I have never been so bored with my industry as I am right now. Hollywood is in full blown reactive mode.

We are spending our days and nights trying to figure out how to put our beautiful, expensive, well-produced content on a 3 inch screen.

We are working so hard for the tech geeks who are innovating and inventing these new devices and services that this very same beautiful, expensive, well-produced content is on a collision course with a mountain of shit.

Hollywood was built on innovation and there is nothing happening on that front.

Some would argue – “Hell, yeah, we’re innovating, we’re transitioning to digital! It’s an inflection point, bitch!”

Fuck that.

All those ideas, all that technology, all that innovation is coming from somewhere else.

Twenty-five year old dorks with nothing to lose are making us old moguls obsolete. And worse? They are dictating the terms. (30% to show my stupid movie on your stupid Facebook?!)

Nothing new is coming out of Hollywood. We are creatively bankrupt.

Yes, content is king. And we make the content the world wants to see. But it’s the same goddamned content over and over – and that seems to be okay with everyone in this town.

Manka Bros. has the worst Fall TV line-up on MBS I have ever seen. And no one seems to care – certainly not Jay McBee – who does nothing with his time but train for Triathlons (that he loses).

I mean, as long as the bonus checks keep clearing, why the fuck wouldn’t we just keep things at the status quo? Right?

All my friends, visionaries at one point in their lives, are passing their remaining days doing bullshit. It’s depressing.

Barry Diller started a broadcast network out of scotch tape and bubble gum wrappers (Fox) and today he owns a dating service and has to listen to the stupid “ground breaking” ideas of Ben Silverman.

Michael Eisner revitalized and rebuilt one of the great studios of all time and now he’s producing little videos for the internet and going duck hunting. Does anyone really know what the hell he is trying to do?

Jeffrey Katzenberg kicked some ass at Disney and created an environment that enabled a dead genre (animated features) to become popular again. Today, he is most likely preparing Monsters, Inc. 2 and reading a draft of the Kung Fu Panda 3 screenplay. Just sell your studio already, Jeffrey, it’s never going to be the empire you imagined at one time – when you still had dreams.

And then there are these guys – my great friends – the ones that truly built something from nothing:

Rupert Murdoch – who built a global media empire from a tiny grade school newspaper (or something) – and now he’s just sitting around his office in the dark listening to Pippa Middleton’s phone messages.

Sumner Redstone – Well, I think he was more lucky than good and didn’t really do much in his life except yell at people and try to pick up hot chicks. (OK, I’m sure he did something significant somewhere along the line, but he’s still staying at my house on-and-off these days, so I’m pissed at him right now. This guy doesn’t flush the toilet. It’s horrifying. And those Charlie’s Angels posters from the 1970s are just embarrassing.)

And Ted Turner, one of the craziest risk takers and innovators the media world has ever seen – all that great shit he built from nothing – is now making buffalo burgers.

Sure, these guys, as I myself, are getting old and there really isn’t much more we can accomplish because death will most likely put an end to any future plans we have.

And, really, the energy level just isn’t there. I mean, the Mogulympics at Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Retreat this year was just pathetic.

The biggest problem I have at my studio is – there isn’t a new generation of innovators in Hollywood to take the old trailblazers’ place. They’re all going to Silicon Valley – and why not? There sure as shit isn’t anything going on here.

My father wouldn’t consider himself a visionary by any means (and, frankly, no one else would either). He was a total prick whose main accomplishments in life were stealing other people’s ideas and having heart attacks. But he and his brothers (THE Manka Bros.) were Thomas Edisons compared to today’s Hollywood.

All we have today is a generation of cost-cutters and an army of people minding the bottom line.

Innovation has left town and it’s not coming back.

We’re Hollywood, goddamnit, we’re important – how the fuck did we let that happen?

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

July 7, 2011July 7, 2011

Khan Manka, Jr. Speech – Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference 2011 – Day 3

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2011

Day 1 — Day 2 — Day 2.5 – Day 3

[The following is a transcript of the speech Khan Manka, Jr. gave at Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference today. It has been transcribed from an audio recording made by Mr. Manka. Herb Allen is heard first introducing Mr. Manka – followed by applause and a few audible ‘boos’. This transcription has not been edited or reviewed by Mr. Manka.]

Herb Allen: OK – OK. Can I have the mic up, please? It is? Can I have it louder, please? There we go. There we go. Can I get your attention please, everyone? Terry Semel? Come on, I’m trying to… OK… thank you. Thanks to all of you for moving over here to the Opera House on such short notice. I can’t believe our room was double-booked. I just hope the Morgan Family Reunion finishes earlier than planned so we can move back.

[… incoherent rumblings and chatter – finally it gets quiet…]

Herb Allen: I’ve got a real treat here this afternoon. Over the past couple of years, he’s been quite the Sun Valley Squire – thanks for all the revealing blogs you put out there, Khan. Privacy obviously isn’t one of your concerns! But thanks for the tip on the “Saban” spray tan – I”ll try to get one of those before I leave here.

[Laughs throughout the room.]

Herb Allen: You don’t need me to tell you about Khan Manka, Jr. You hear all you would ever want to hear about it him every night at the bar – except that Singapore midget thing – thanks not right – just horrible, Khan. But anyway, here he is… one of the great moguls right here in our midst – Khan Manka, Jr.

[Applause – some ‘boos’.]

Khan Manka, Jr.: Thanks, Donner. That’s a ‘Mogulympics’ reference from yesterday’s blog. ‘Blog’ makes me sound like I’m a hip new media guy–

Mark Zuckerberg’s voice: No, it doesn’t. Maybe in 1996!

[Laughs…]

Khan Manka, Jr.: What? Is that Zuckerberg? You just got here and it’s already with the cheap shots, huh? You’re just worried about Manka’s new Facebook killer we have coming out – Caligula.

Mark Zuckerberg: No… I’m not… at all. I’ve seen it. It sucks. Non-awesome.

[Big laugh from the room.]

Khan Manka, Jr.: OK, OK – you know what? I’m just gonna punt on my prepared remarks because every time I do one of these speeches it ends in fucking chaos. People ‘booing’, fighting… it’s just crazy. If you want to read my speech to CES titled “The Future Is Last Year”, go to the website. I’m gonna wing it, Herb, just finish your wine. I have a few things to say. Look… all I do is speak the truth. And the truth is this: The Hollywood mogul is dead, killed by the geeks.

[Chuckles from a few… one loud “BULLSHIT!”]

Khan Manka, Jr.: No, I’m sorry, Bob – Bob Iger everybody – it’s true. I look around this room – half are not even looking at me, buried in their phones, the other half are looking me but are thinking an afternoon nap sounds really good. Us old media guys don’t stand a chance.

[Silence. A sniffle. A cough.]

Khan Manka, Jr.: This is not just a generational thing. This is a real problem. Technological innovations have been coming at us so fast and furious (right, Ron Meyer?) that the older moguls can’t keep up with the changes AND play golf at the same time. And most of us don’t even want to try. Seriously, I don’t need a goddamned phone every fucking month! And I certainly don’t want to keep digitizing my film library into a new format every couple of months for your stupid new phones!

[A few claps… someone is babbling something incoherently.]

Khan Manka, Jr.: The old moguls, and I suppose you can count me that group, just want to produce really great content, put it in a movie theater or on a television, get reports on the ratings or the box office – and it do all again next week. That’s it. We don’t want that to end. You ‘new media’ types have no respect for that culture. No respect for the work we’ve done. You think it’s easy what we do. ‘Comedy is easy – creating an App, that’s hard.’ I say ‘Go F yourselves.’

[A few claps… more ‘boos’, a few shouts and one “Fuck you, too.”]

Khan Manka, Jr.: Why the hell would Reid Hoffman be considered a mogul? He runs a little chat room for people trying to get work.

[… lots of ‘boos’, shouts and ‘fuck yous’…]

Khan Manka, Jr.: Come on, seriously? A mogul produces movies and TV shows, owns networks and has long lunches at really nice restaurants with other moguls. You new people eat at your desks or the company cafeteria. You don’t produce anything. You have data servers in the Mojave Desert. How the hell that does make you a mogul? How is the Groupon guy a mogul? Freakin’ coupons for laser hair removal? HE’S a mogul?

[… the room is in chaos with shouts, ‘boos’, audible punching sounds…]

Herb Allen is heard on another mic. Mr. Manka continues in the background.

Khan Manka, Jr.: WHO THE HELL THREW THAT?!!

Herb Allen: Hold it! Please do NOT throw your cellphones at Mr. Manka! Thank you.

[Total chaos.]

Herb Allen: Khan, listen… LISTEN!!! When I started this conference twenty some years ago, I never intended it to be a “mogul fest” – I was just trying to gather successful, interesting people who run successful, interesting companies. The entertainment people tend to get the most press and so it became known – by the press, which most of the people in this room own and run – as a ‘Mogul Fest’. It wasn’t my intention.

Khan Manka, Jr.: Well… as long as we’re clear that Mark Zuckerberg is not a mogul.

Mark Zuckerberg: Hey, we distribute your shitty movies on Facebook. Nobody buys them, but they are available.

Khan Manka, Jr.: Fine. Fair enough. You’re a mogul. Any questions? If you new media people want to get hammered tonight, I’m buying at the bar.

[Applause… shouts of approval… audio ends.]

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

July 7, 2011July 7, 2011

Sun Valley Shore – Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference 2011 – Day 2.5

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference 2011

Day 1 — Day 2 — Day 2.5 – Day 3

————————————–

It’s no secret that most moguls love to be tanned and almost all have new, whiter, straighter teeth put in over their old, yellow, crooked teeth.

Who wouldn’t want that, right?

It’s also no secret that the only reason moguls do all that is to look good to 25-year-old girls.

What we moguls don’t seem to understand is, we’re all incredibly wealthy and powerful and many 25-year-old girls (and boys) will find us attractive even if we didn’t have a spray tan or new teeth. (Duh!)

I would wager $1,000,000 that the combined age of all of the moguls teeth at this conference doesn’t even equal the age of one Sumner Redstone.

For the record, most moguls get the “Saban” tan – which is a really dark, unrealistic orange kind of hue.

I prefer the “Strauss Zelnick” which really brings out the whiteness of the teeth. The “Avi Nevo” isn’t bad either but the fragrance is way too strong.

But no matter how much we whiten our teeth and darken our skin and de-gray our hair, it’s still hard for most of us to get out of bed. And it’s really hard to run a 100-meter dash or jump over a high bar (suck-ass Mogulympics).

Just because my face is as tight and smooth as a teenager’s face doesn’t mean I have the energy of a teenager.

And why the fuck would I want the energy of a teenager? I’m a goddamned billionaire in Sun Valley living the dream.

It makes me feel good when I see a mogul (oh, let’s say, Barry Diller) who really could care less how he looks. He’s got power and doesn’t need all those tricks. He’ll take that giant T-shirt and shorts look to the grave! That’s why I admire Barry so much.

The new slobby tech moguls are less comforting to me – they’re just creepy and disturbing.

I was asked to present an updated version of the keynote speech I gave earlier this year to the CES convention in Las Vegas – so I don’t have time to get into too many details about last night’s very elaborate dinner (or the unbelievable concert by Tony Orlando & Dawn… not the old ‘Dawn’, a much younger and hotter ‘Dawn’).

Most of the conversation last night consisted of anything BUT the Rupert Murdoch hacking scandal.

I was at Rupert’s table and all he talked about was how many tomatoes he’s going to get from his garden this year.

Later this afternoon, before cocktails (or during – we’ll see), I will give my assistant a more detailed account of what is going on and she will have the online geeks write it up and add pictures, etc.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

July 6, 2011July 5, 2012

Mogulympics – Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – Day 2

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference

Day 1 — Day 2 – Day 2.5 – Day 3

——————————-

The sight of Harvey Weinstein in tight gym shorts is an image that I won’t soon forget.

But let me back up.

I am dictating this in a secret business center somewhere beneath the Sun Valley Lodge after experiencing one of the most horrific and demoralizing mornings of my life.

At 4:30 am, I was blasted awake by “The Call of the Moguls” fanfare (written by Michael Eisner years ago when he still had power). As I had only gone to bed a couple of hours before (because I was pounding drinks well into the wee hours with my new drinking buddy Chase Carey), this was a most unwelcome sound.

In the room next to me, I could hear Eric Schmidt screaming out the window “Shut the fuck up!”

An envelope slid under my door. I opened it and recognized Herb’s handwriting:

“Please report to Herb Allen Field immediately! Wear your gym clothes and sneakers. – Herb A.”

So I did as I was told and dragged myself down to a converted grassy area that has been rebranded “Herb Allen Field” for the length of the conference.

I immediately saw Jeffrey Katzenberg and LinkedIn’s Jeff Weiner hopping up and down, stretching. A few others were mingling about but I couldn’t make out their faces in the dark.

That’s when I saw Harvey Weinstein in his too small gym shorts and too small t-shirt smoking a cigarette. Don’t get me wrong, I like Harvey quite a bit, but man…

For the next few moments, I just sort of stood there in the pre-dawn staring at the ground. This was an epic hangover. What I needed was sleep and a large a quantity of bacon. In that order. Not this bullshit.

After another anthem – “The Dawn of the Mogul” – finished playing, a loud coaches whistle pierced all of our brains. There were various grunts and swears from the assembled moguls.

Herb Allen appeared, fresh and full of energy. He reminded me, with his baseball cap and coaches whistle, of Donner – the reindeer coach from “Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer”… Sorry, that’s the most current reference I can think of. If you saw him, you would say the same thing.

Herb Allen: OK, gentlemen, you made it through the night–

Rupert Murdoch: Where are the women?

Herb Allen: I don’t know, Rupert, why don’t you hack into their emails to find out?

Rupert Murdoch: You shall be murdered, you son of a fucking–

Herb Allen: Calm down. I’m joking, Rupert. The women are having spa treatments. I gave them an option – because they aren’t flabby and undisciplined. You assholes don’t get an option.

Khan Manka, Jr.: Fuck that shit.

Herb Allen approached me like a crazy drill sergeant.

Herb Allen: What was that, Manka?

Khan Manka: I said, ‘Fuck that shit, Herb.’ I speak for my fellow moguls when I say we are all too hungover for this crap. I choose spa treatments, too!

At that moment, Sheryl Sandberg ran up and fell into the line of moguls.

Sheryl Sandberg: Sorry, I’m late. I had a 5:00 a.m. conference call with China. I’m ready.

Les Moonves: Oooh… We do business with China, too, Facebook lady. Big deal.

Tim Armstrong: (to Sheryl, pointing to his ear) – I’m on a call right now but I was on time.

Sheryl Sandberg: Hi, Tim, I wanted to ask you about Patch. How’s that going?

Tim Armstrong: Oh, no, you didn’t!

Herb Allen blows his whistle and screamed for everyone to calm down. He then explained why we were all there. He has started a ridiculous new annual tradition called “Mogulympics”…

Herb Allen: (he continued) … this competition is designed to encourage physical fitness among our most elite moguls. Because a flabby mogul is less likely to adapt to change. Flabby moguls tend to be more lazy and set in their ways. Flabby moguls are not the future leaders of media.

Harvey Weinstein: (smoking) – Suck it, Herb.

Herb Allen: How the hell did you wrangle an invite this year, Weinstein? You’re not even a mogul anymore.

Harvey Weinstein: “King’s Speech” – Academy Award. Scoreboard, bitch.

Things sort of degenerated from there. More fighting, more snippy little remarks about old media from the new media and tech people…

Finally, Herb got everyone onto the field and the first Mogulympics began.

I won’t do a blow-by-blow account of all the competitions as I am due to serve on a panel with Bob Iger and Steve Burke on how best to preserve our core businesses while growing new businesses.

(Here’s what I say: “MAKE GOOD CONTENT THAT PEOPLE WANT TO BUY!” – end of panel discussion. Let’s go drink.)

——————————————————————————

HERE ARE THE HIGHLIGHTS (there were only four events – more to be added each year):

High Jump: Winner – Jeffrey Katzenberg – final height – 4′ 3″. Jon Miller should have won but he kept trying to extend into the Chinese splits while going over the bar.

Long Jump: Winner – Jason Kilar – final distance – 8′ 2″ (but it’s possible his medal will be acquired by another mogul – ha!). This event was Rupert’s best chance to get a medal but he kept fouling. He seemed distracted.

400 Meters: Winner – Sheryl Sandberg (untimed). Bob Iger was in position to win it until someone in the pack made a crack to Sheryl about ‘the glass ceiling’ and she took off like a gazelle, crushing the field. I walked the final 350 meters with Harvey. He tried to convince me that he wasn’t overweight no matter how much he smokes, drinks and eats every day .

100 Meters: Winner – Sheryl Sandberg (untimed). You know, moguls just can’t run – and probably shouldn’t try. And by this point in the competition most of us had stopped participating and were on our phones. Sheryl beat Mark Pincus (though he forgot his tennis shoes and was only wearing flip-flops), Jeff Weiner and Andrew Mason of Groupon.

Sheryl Sandberg was named Herb Allen’s Top Mogul Athlete of the Conference and received a trophy similar to the picture above. For her victory she will receive an automatic invite to next year’s conference to defend her title.

When it was all over and we had thoroughly embarrassed ourselves in front of each other, I quickly retreated to the Great Hall of the Moguls dining room and ate a pound of bacon.

The women who chose the spa treatment option (Oprah, Diane Von Furstenberg, etc.) were lounging in bath robes, drinking coffee, having a leisurely breakfast. The sort of thing moguls should be doing.

That was my morning. I can’t wait to see what the rest of the day will bring.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

October 19, 2009July 25, 2011

The Future Of Television – As Told To Me By Michael Eisner

All For Nots, Anne Sweeney, Ari Emanuel, Barry Diller, Ben Silverman, Dick Cook, Disney, duck hunting, Future of Television, Haim Saban, Jeff Bewkes, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jeffrey Immelt, Jeffrey Katzenberg, Khan Manka, Manka Bros., Michael Eisner, Military helilcopter, Prom Queen, Robert Iger, Samhas7friends, Steven Spielberg, Sumner Redstone, Terry Semel, the Chairman's Blog, Tornante Company, Veoh, Vuguru, Allen & Company retreat, Ari Emanuel, Barry Diller, Ben Silverman, Bob Iger, Carol Bartz, DumbDumb, Electus, Eric Schmidt, Gina Bianchini, Herb Allen, Herb Allen Sun Valley Conference, Herbert Allen, Jeff Bewkes, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jeffrey Immelt, Jerry Yang, Khan Manka, Lady Gaga, Leslie Moonves, Lloyd Grohl, Manka Bros., Marissa Mayer, Mark Pincus, Mark Zuckerberg, Peter Chernin, Phillippe Dauman, Reid Hoffman, Richard Parsons, Ricky Van Veen, Rupert Murdoch, Sergey Brin, Sheryl Sandberg, Steve Jobs, Sun Valley Retreat, Sun Valley Retreat 2010, Terry Semel, World's Largest Media Company, Chase Carey, James Murdoch, Elisabeth Murdoch, Lachlan Murdoch, Jim Gianopulos, Joel Klein, Jon Miller, Steve Burke, Michael Angelakis, Leslie Moonves, Philippe Dauman, Jeff Bewkes, John Martin, Howard Stringer, Rob Wiesenthal, Michael Lynton, John Malone, Greg Maffei, Haim Saban, David Zaslav, John Hendricks, Mike White, Edgar Bronfman, Len Blavatnik, Tim Armstrong, Peter Chernin, Tom Freston, Carol Bartz, Jerry Yang, Mark Pincus, Owen Van Natta, Brian Roberts, Jason Kilar, Wayne Willich, Reid Hoffman, Harvey Weinstein, Diane Von Furstenberg, Andrew Mason, Jason Kilar, Ben Horowitz, Gina Bianchini, Mark Pincus, Ali Pincus, Robert Wiesenthal, Tom Freston, Bing Gordon, Bill Gates, Chris Christie, Martin Sorrell, Eric Lefkofsky, Oprah Winfrey

Good afternoon.

Over the past few days, Michael Eisner’s lawyers have attempted to put a muzzle on me.

Apparently, M.E. didn’t like the idea of me blogging about our Duck Hunting trip last week and wanted to try and stop me from putting up a part two. Some of the top lawyers in Hollywood have been fighting and I’m completely fed up with it. I’m just going blog and don’t give a shit what the repercussions may be.

As I was saying last week, Michael Eisner picked me up in his military-style helicopter and took me duck hunting. I had never been duck hunting before and I don’t scare easily, but when I climbed into that Duck Blind with M.E. and saw the crazed look in his eyes, I was afraid.

As he started to load his 12-gauge shotgun with shells, he looked up:

M.E.: It gets a lot darker at night for me than anyone else in the world. I’m going to leave my head to science so they can try to figure out what the hell was going on inside my brain.

We sat in silence for about five minutes. Someone had already loaded a gun for me and I had it across my lap, not quite sure what to do with it. M.E. fluttered his eyes a bit as he blew softly into an ominous sounding duck call that echoed over the lake.

KM: So… what do we do? Sit here and wait for the ducks and then try to shoot them?

M.E.: Waiting for the ducks. Ha, that’s the problem with Manka Bros. You’re always waiting for the ducks.

KM: What the fuck does that mean? I run the biggest media company in the world and you’re telling me what’s wrong with my company? What do you got? Baseball cards?

Suddenly, M.E. leaped to his feet, swinging the gun up.

M.E.: QUACK RIGHT SHOOT!

He blasted two quick SHOTS. There were two quick duck HONKS. And then two quick SPLASHES.

M.E: Katzenberg! Ducks!

His dog, Katzenberg, leaped out of the blind and swam toward the killed ducks. Katzenberg gathered them in his mouth and swam back to the blind.

M.E.: Good dog. Pretty slow on the trigger there, Khan.

KM: You don’t mind if I just sit here, do you? I really don’t want to shoot at ducks. My life is interesting enough.

M.E.’s eyes darted back and forth, not sure whether to shoot me or let it go. We momentarily returned to small talk, asking about each other’s families and our health, etc. M.E. shot eight more ducks. Katzenberg fished them out of the pond. Finally, M.E. got around to the point he wanted to make.

M.E.: The future of television is fucked.

KM: In its current form, yes, I would say it is challenged.

M.E.: In any form. It’s over. Spending additional dollars on a declining asset is what dumb asses do.

KM: There’s still an audience. You gotta put something on the air. Severed Fingers is profitable just from International sales. Why quit a business that’s profitable?

M.E.: Why don’t you sell typewriters or bulk up on VHS cassettes or dial-up modems? Plenty of people still need those things and you’ll make a profit since it means so fucking much to you. Whoop-tee-fuckin-do!

His eyes were starting to roll back into his head. I knew I had to get out of there. I had no idea where I was but I did have my Blackberry and was able to send a PING to my assistant, Vicky. Once she receives my distress call I am normally picked up within the hour no matter where I am in the world.

KM: Then, tell me Michael, where do you think media is headed? Online? Cell phones? You know, Manka Bros. is spending $1 billion on short-form internet-only content.

M.E.: I will shoot you dead if you mention the “I” word again. The Internet is over. My online series “Prom Queen” hit at the peak of that fad. No no… the future is right here.

KM: What do you mean? A couple of guys talking by a pond with a loaded gun in their hands?

M.E.: That’s part of it. Human interaction is the future. It’s real. Something you can’t slap a banner ad next to and call it “paid content”. It’s just you, me and the meat that we kill and eat. I’m going “into the wild”.

He seemed sincere. He looked tired. Frankly, he looked done.

M.E.: You may go, Khan. If you tell anyone about this conversation, I will hunt you down and slaughter you like a mountain goat.

Michael Eisner’s chopper took me away and I was back in Los Angeles in time to watch the suck-ass Dodgers lose. Mariska Hargitay was the only guest allowed in the Manka Bros. Suite at Dodgers Stadium.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

P.S. – Do not fret, Manka Bros. will still be producing high-quality television content long after Michael Eisner freezes to death in a bus outside of Fairbanks, Alaska.

October 14, 2009July 25, 2011

Duck Hunting With Michael Eisner

Good afternoon.

I have just returned safely from one of the weirdest fucked up days I’ve had in a long time (and I’ve had quite a few fucked up days lately).

On Monday night, I received a call from my old pal and competitor Michael Eisner (M.E.) who, as you know, used to be the Chairman & CEO of Disney before (as he says it) “being released into the wild by the Board of Directors to fend for himself”.

M.E. wanted to pick me up at 3:00 a.m. by helicopter and take me to one of the private duck hunting ponds he owns in northern California to do some hunting and talk about The Future of Television.

I explained that normally I would jump at that opportunity (I had never been duck hunting in my life) but I had Sumner Redstone staying at my house and he was not in the best emotional state (because he’s almost broke).

After a few moments of back-and-forth negotiations with M.E., it was settled that I would be picked up at 2:00 a.m. and I was to turn Sumner Redstone out into the street. (Michael Eisner is a master negotiator.)

At 2:00 a.m., M.E. arrived right on time, his massive military-style helicopter landing on my Great Lawn. The fucker didn’t seem to care that I had recently had a million dollar landscaping job completed.

He was dressed in combat fatigues with his face painted green and brown and brandishing two 12-gauge shotguns. I was dressed in gym shorts, t-shirt and tennis shoes. I wasn’t aware there was a costume for duck hunting.

M.E.: Are you fucking kidding me, Khan? Seriously, what the fuck is your problem? What are you wearing? Do you have your own gun or do you need to rent one from me?

I explained that I have never been duck hunting and didn’t realize there were special clothes.

M.E.: To kill a duck, you have to think like a duck. Capisce?

I wouldn’t think a duck would want to wear those clothes or that make-up. But I played along and found an old Army General’s uniform that my dad (Harry Manka) used to wear around the Manka Bros. studio lot to intimate talent.

I put that on and smeared my face with camouflage make-up that M.E. had with him. I would have to rent a duck-shooting-gun from M.E. as the only weapons in my house were controlled by my security team.

Flying low over the southern California mountains, M.E. leaned out of the chopper observing the pre-dawn movements of the San Fernando Valley like he was in the jungles of Vietnam. He held this position and didn’t speak for the approximate two hour flight to a remote area south of Sacramento.

Suddenly, through a mist, a giant pond appeared with large reeds sprouting out of it. M.E. looked up and gave me a wink.

M.E.: (pointing down) Quack-gri-la – we’re home.

The chopper landed and several very serious handlers came out to greet us – all dressed in military fatigues and wearing ridiculous duck-shooting hats with ear flaps.

M.E.: I’m going to take a couple of minutes to let my balls stop vibrating, then I’ll meet you in “the blind”.

Apparently, he meant “duck blind”… and I didn’t know what that was – but I was soon to find out.

And I was soon to get into a very interesting discussion on The Future of Television (which was quite different from my discussion on The Future of Media with Bob Iger – M.E.’s successor at Disney).

But now, I’m worn out. So I’ll get into all that tomorrow.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company