Mark Pincus – Page 6 – Chairman's Blog

May 4, 2012May 4, 2012

Manka Bros. Would Like To Offer Scott Thompson A Job

Allen & Company retreat, Anne Mulcahy, Ari Emanuel, Barry Diller, Ben Silverman, Bob Iger, Bobby Kotick, Carol Bartz, Charlie Rose, Cory Booker, DumbDumb, Electus, Eric Schmidt, Erin Burnett, Gina Bianchini, Harvey Weinstein, Herb Allen, Herb Allen Sun Valley Conference, Herbert Allen, Jean-Bernard Levy, Jeff Bewkes, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jeffrey Immelt, Jerry Yang, John Donahue, Ken Auletta, Khan Manka, Lachlan Murdoch, Lady Gaga, Leslie Moonves, Lionel Barber, Lloyd Grohl, Manka Bros., Marc Andreessen, Marissa Mayer, Mark Pincus, Mark Zuckerberg, Martin Sorrell, Mathias Dopfner, Mike Bloomberg, Niall FitzGerald, Peter Chernin, Phillippe Dauman, Reid Hoffman, Richard Parsons, Ricky Van Veen, Rob Wiesenthal, Robert L. Johnson, Ron Meyer, Rupert Murdoch, Sergey Brin, Sheryl Sandberg, Steve Jobs, Sun Valley Retreat, Sun Valley Retreat 2010, Terry Semel, Tom Freston, Tom Friedman, Ursula Burns, Vivi Nevo, Warren Buffett, World's Largest Media Company, Rupert Murdoch, Jose Maria Aznar, natalie Bancroft, Peter Barnes, Chase Carey, Kenneth Cowley, David DeVoe, Viet Dinh, Rod Eddington, Joel Klein, Andrew S.B. Knight, James Murdoch, Lachlan Murdoch, Thomas Perkins, Arthur Siskind, John Thornton, Stanley Shuman, Rebekah Brooks, Les Hinton, Teri Everett, jack Horner, Julie Henderson, Reed Nolte, Roger Ailes, Janet Nova, John Nallen, Beryl Cook, Michael Regan, Genie Gavenchak, Brian Lewis, Irena Briganti, Dan Berger, Rosabel Tao, Steven Rubenstein, Suzanne Halpin, Elisabeth Murdoch, Carol Bartz, Roy Bostock, Patti Hart, Sue James, Vyomesh Joshi, David Kenny, Arthur Kern, Brad Smith, Gary Wilson, Jerry Yang, Blake Irving, Ross Levinsohn, Rose Tsou, Rich Riley, Tim Morse, Michael J. Callahan, David Dibble, David Filo, Dr. Prabhakar Roghavan, Jeff Russakow, Elisa Steele, David Windley

It seems that Silicon Valley and Wall Street are going ape shit over the fact that Scott Thompson didn’t really go to college or didn’t get a degree in whatever he said he got one in – or whatever.

At Manka Bros., we could care less about that crap and I would like to offer Scott Thompson a job.

For the record, I, Khan Manka, Jr., didn’t go to college and yet, here I am, Chairman & CEO of the World’s Largest Media Company.

Granted, my father, the asshole Harry Manka, was head of the studio until he died and legally forced me into the job after his death when I would have much rather been concentrating on drugs, girls and my band (the under-appreciated ‘King Khan’).

That said, I’ve been doing it successfully for 36 years and I can barely fucking read.

So, Scott Thompson, it’s time for you to leave those tight-assed judgmental blue-bloods in Silicon Valley and come down to Hollywood where the literacy rate is much lower and we actually go out on dates.

Former heads of Yahoo! have been a great recruiting opportunity for us here at Manka Bros., having previously offered jobs to Carol Bartz and Jerry Yang (still waiting to hear).

The job offer to you is similar – you can pretty much pick any area you want to work (except in New Media or Tech – we have a much higher education standard in place for those jobs).

I would suggest either the Theatrical or Television groups – both are sucking up a storm lately and I’ve been looking to replace Robin Rafe and Jay McBee for the past year (off the record).

The only jobs that are not available are mine and Lloyd Grohl.

Everything else is in play.

Let me know as soon as you are fired – we’d like to get you going here in the next couple of weeks. There is a lot of shit to fix.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

March 12, 2012March 7, 2018

The Death Of A Mogul

Accel Partners, Alan Eustace, Allen & Company retreat, Allen Blue, Ann Mather, Anne Mulcahy, Ari Emanuel, Arvind Rajan, Barry Diller, Ben Silverman, Bob Iger, Bobby Kotick, Bret Taylor, Carol Bartz, CES 2011, Chamath Palihapitiya, Charlie Rose, Chris Hughes, Christopher Cox, Cory Booker, Dan Rose, David Drummond, David Ebersman, David Fischer, David Henke, David Kirkpatrick, David Sze, Deep Nishar, DumbDumb, Dustin Moskovitz, Eduardo Saverin, Electus, Ellen Levy, Elliot Schrage, Emilie Choi, Eric Schmidt, Erika Rottenberg, Erin Burnett, Gerald Levin, Gina Bianchini, Greylock Partners, Harvey Weinstein, HBO, Herb Allen, Herb Allen Sun Valley Conference, Herbert Allen, Jean-Bernard Levy, Jean-Luc Vaillant, Jeff Bewkes, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jeffrey Immelt, Jerry Yang, Jill Kennedy, Jim Breyer, Joanna Shields, John Doerr, John Donahue, John Hennessy, Jon Miller, Jonathan Heiliger, Jonathan Rosenberg, Justin Aselage, Katrina Hau, Ken Auletta, Kevin Eyres, Khan Manka, Lachlan Murdoch, Lady Gaga, Leslie Moonves, Li Ka-shing, Lionel Barber, Lloyd Grohl, Lori Goler, Manka Bros., Marc Andreessen, Marissa Mayer, Mark Cuban, Mark Pincus, Mark Zuckerberg, Martin Sorrell, Mathias Dopfner, Matt Cohler, Mike Bloomberg, Mike Gamson, Mike Murphy, Mike Schroepfer, MySpace, Niall FitzGerald, Nicolas Carlson, Nikesh Arora, OnMedea, Owen Van Natta, Patrick Crane, Patrick Pichette, Paul Buchheit, Paul Madera, Paul Otellini, Peter Chernin, Peter Thiel, Phillippe Dauman, Ram Shriram, Reid Hoffman, Richard Parsons, Ricky Van Veen, Rob Wiesenthal, Robby Kwok, Robert L. Johnson, Ron Meyer, Rupert Murdoch, Sergey Brin, Sheryl Sandberg, Shirley Tilghman, Shona Brown, Steve Cadigan, Steve Jobs, Steve Patrizi, Steve Sordello, Sumner Redstone, Sun Valley Retreat, Sun Valley Retreat 2010, Ted Ullyot, Terry Semel, Tom Freston, Tom Friedman, Tony DiSanto, Toy Story 3, Ursula Burns, Vivi Nevo, Warren Buffett, Warren Lieberfarb, World's Largest Media Company

Good morning.

On March 7, 1958, my Uncle Simeon died.

The next day, his body was flown back his birthplace (Yambol, Bulgaria) for burial.

My asshole father, Harry, did not attend nor did he talk to Simeon during the last five years of his life.

Uncle Simeon’s story is a tragic Hollywood tale of weakness and insanity.

He died on March 7, 1958 on Hollywood Boulevard wearing only a sandwich board advertisement for “Benny’s World Of Beef.”

I have never heard of Benny’s World Of Beef so obviously he didn’t do a very good job promoting it. Perhaps he wasn’t promoting it at all and simply wore the sign because he had no other clothes.

From what I understand from my father, Simeon went insane around the turn of the 20th century. He would have been 18 at the time. That means he was insane for 58 years.

All I remember is that he used to bang into stuff all the time.

He dubbed Manka Bros.’ films into Bulgarian doing all of the voices himself (it was very small market for us).

He urinated on everything at the studio – marking his territory I suppose.

He would urinate on movie sets, on movie stars, the food in the cafeteria… everything.

He must have constantly been hydrating.

But I digress… this is not a day to piss (excuse the pun) on his grave. This is a day to remember one of the founding brothers of this great company – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company.

He was the only Manka brother to be buried in their homeland of Bulgaria.

My other uncle (the great Khan Manka) wanted to be buried next to Napoleon (he wasn’t… Forrest Lawn actually); and my father Harry was buried under his old office (currently my office) here on the Manka Bros. Studio lot (Main Administration Bldg. 2).

So Manka Bros. employees, take a moment to remember your company’s history and then get back to fucking work – we’re having a terrible year!

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

January 17, 2012January 17, 2012

Jerry Yang: Manka Bros. Would Like To Offer You A Job

Good afternoon.

I was just made aware by one of my assistants that Jerry Yang (founder and Chief Yahoo! of Yahoo! – whatever the fuck that means) is leaving the company.

I guess the Board of Directors and the Shareholders finally got their way and successfully shoved him out.

As someone who is constantly being told to leave my own company due to poor performance, I can empathize with Jerry.

My only question is, why didn’t they shove him out after he stupidly refused Microsoft’s $32/share offer to buy Yahoo!?

But no matter – I’m not here to shit on his grave and piss on his legacy. I’m here to offer him a job.

Manka Bros. is the world’s largest media company and can offer a decent salary, dental, medical, life and dismemberment insurance package (God forbid you get dismembered sitting at a desk) that rivals all the other studios in Hollywood (except maybe Disney – you get free Disneyland admission when you work there – that’s a $10,000 value… per trip).

So – Jerry – I know you’re reeling right now and probably worried about where your next paycheck is coming from. But worry no more – your next paycheck is coming from Manka Bros.

You can basically pick which area you would like to work in (except in our online group – your track record is pretty spotty there).

I would be happy to replace any of the suck ass senior executives that are currently running the various divisions. They’re all terrible at their jobs (off the record – no, fuck it – ON the record).

Give me a call at my office at your earliest convenience so we can discuss a start date.

FYI, I will be leaving for the Davos World Economic Forum in a couple of days where I will be giving yet another keynote address – so get back to me before then.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO (& Chief Yahoo!) – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

December 19, 2011December 19, 2011

Sumner Redstone’s Holiday Party

Ari Emanuel, Ben Silverman, Bob's Big Boy Burbank, Electus, Fred Willard, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jill Kennedy, kara swisher, Khan Manka, Les Moonves, Manka Bros., Melinda the first lady of magic, nikki finke, Nokia Theater, OnMedea, Philippe Dauman, Rupert Murdoch, sharon waxman, Sherry Lansing, Sumner Redstone, Taylor Swift, Terry Semel, The black Eyed Peas, thewrap.com, Viacom's Holiday party

Over the weekend, I went to Sumner Redstone’s Holiday Party at Bob’s Big Boy in Burbank. It was a pretty sad event with only a few of the invited guests bothering to show up.

Sumner kept staring at the front door and mumbled over and over: “Well, it IS raining…” and “After the rain stops, I’m sure more will show up”, etc.

The few of us that did venture out on that cold, rainy Saturday really wish we didn’t.

It was me, Phillipe Dauman, Ben Silverman (with some girl who talked non-stop about how she slept with Tiger Woods and Kobe Bryant), Melinda (the first lady of magic) and Fred Willard.

We had a table in the center of the restaurant. There were no booths available.

This was a new low for Sumner (and, frankly, a new low for me for daring to be seen there).

As many of you know, Sumner has been living on-and-off at my house ever since announcing his divorce last year and I felt bad for the old guy.

He was babbling about rumors out there (from years ago) that News Corp. and his old media enemy Rupert Mudoch want to buy Viacom for the cable channels. While I don’t really think that’s a possibility, Sumner believes everything he reads on the Internet and reacts accordingly.

He told me if Rupert tries to buy him out, he will kill everyone involved and book the first Virgin Galactic flight into outer space where he will live out his days in peace.

The Bob’s Big Boy waitress assigned to our table was getting angry that Sumner wanted to wait for more people to arrive before ordering. She finally said there would be no more free ice tea until food was ordered. “There are people waiting for this table,” she said.

With that, we ordered.

I got the Super Big Boy with onion rings and a strawberry shake. Phillipe Dauman was going to get the lemon cod but changed his mind once he heard what I was getting. He decided on the Super Big Boy with onion rings and a chocolate shake.

Everyone else got a variation on the same theme.

The rest of the evening was too pathetic to mention in much detail:

Melinda (the first lady of magic) balanced a spoon on her nose about twenty times;
Fred Willard went on and on about a sewer problem he was having at his house;
Ben Silverman talked about how he was going to Les Moonves‘ CBS party (which was being held later that night at the Nokia Theater with special musical performances by Common and Taylor Swift);
I was also headed to the CBS party. (Sumner was not invited.)

Our food arrived quickly and the burgers were undercooked. None of us really cared because we wanted to get out of there as fast as possible.

When the checked arrived, Sumner patted his pockets as though he forgot his wallet. Melinda (the first lady of magic) picked up the check for the table. The party was over by 7:30.

Worst Holiday party ever – though the strawberry shake was excellent.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

P.S. – I’ll write about the unbelievable time I had at the CBS party at a later date.

October 12, 2011October 12, 2011

Gay Moroccan Poetry Is Not Going To Save Our Publishing Business

1982 Mouton-Rothchild, Cyrus Weinstein, Dan Brown, DC Comics, Gay Moroccan Poetry, Gotcha, Great Receipts by Unknown Chefs, Khan Manka, Long-Tail Strategy, Manka Bros., MC Comics, Moroccan Literature, publishing business, Punk'd, Simon & Schuster, Slivovitz, The DaVinci Code, Travel Blog, World's Largest Media Company, Allen & Company retreat, Ari Emanuel, Barry Diller, Ben Silverman, Bob Iger, Carol Bartz, DumbDumb, Electus, Eric Schmidt, Gina Bianchini, Herb Allen, Herb Allen Sun Valley Conference, Herbert Allen, Jeff Bewkes, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jeffrey Immelt, Jerry Yang, Khan Manka, Lady Gaga, Leslie Moonves, Lloyd Grohl, Manka Bros., Marissa Mayer, Mark Pincus, Mark Zuckerberg, Peter Chernin, Phillippe Dauman, Reid Hoffman, Richard Parsons, Ricky Van Veen, Rupert Murdoch, Sergey Brin, Sheryl Sandberg, Steve Jobs, Sun Valley Retreat, Sun Valley Retreat 2010, Terry Semel, World's Largest Media Company, Chase Carey, James Murdoch, Elisabeth Murdoch, Lachlan Murdoch, Jim Gianopulos, Joel Klein, Jon Miller, Steve Burke, Michael Angelakis, Leslie Moonves, Philippe Dauman, Jeff Bewkes, John Martin, Howard Stringer, Rob Wiesenthal, Michael Lynton, John Malone, Greg Maffei, Haim Saban, David Zaslav, John Hendricks, Mike White, Edgar Bronfman, Len Blavatnik, Tim Armstrong, Peter Chernin, Tom Freston, Carol Bartz, Jerry Yang, Mark Pincus, Owen Van Natta, Brian Roberts, Jason Kilar, Wayne Willich, Reid Hoffman, Harvey Weinstein, Diane Von Furstenberg, Andrew Mason, Jason Kilar, Ben Horowitz, Gina Bianchini, Mark Pincus, Ali Pincus, Robert Wiesenthal, Tom Freston, Bing Gordon, Bill Gates, Chris Christie, Martin Sorrell, Eric Lefkofsky, Oprah Winfrey

Last night, I had dinner with Cyrus Weinstein – President of the Manka Bros. Publishing Group.

He informed me that his group is in ‘super-duper danger’ (as opposed to the ‘super danger’ he told me about last year) with books and magazine sales way down year-over-year (a ‘reverse hockey stick’, I believe he said).

“If you aren’t on a plane, train or toilet, you aren’t reading a book, ” he said. “And it’s not just because of the recession – the full scale shift in how people consume media is nearly complete. And because of lower pricing and customer confusion, things really suck right now.”

Apparently, the increase in digital downloads and advertising from online publishing sites (including our own Mankazines and Manka Books websites) are not making up the difference. The only apparent bright spot was our MC Comics division which we continue to mine for feature film franchises (most of which fail at the box office… but I digress).

As we proceeded to eat our $200 steaks at Cut in Beverly Hills (which I certainly hope Cyrus will not attempt to put through on his fucking expense report!), I asked him what he thought, if anything, could turn things around.

He told me one word… “niche.”

He has developed a ‘long tail’ niche publishing strategy that will focus completely on his target audience – PEOPLE WHO BUY BOOKS (i.e., old people, gay people, lonely widows, etc.).

He punctuated his thought by telling me that Manka Iambic (our Poetry Publishing imprint – who knew?) had just signed gay Moroccan poet Ahmet Ghary Cool to a two book deal worth over $1 million dollars.

His first book for us will be called Awake In My Dreams and will come in a month or so.

“How many poetry books by this guy do you expect to sell?”, I asked.

As Cyrus drank from his glass of 1982 Mouton-Rothchild, he said… “Two to three thousand in the first year and then a few hundred every year after that – mostly to gay Moroccan college students. It’s not about sales. It’s about prestige.”

After a long pause and a couple of shots of Slivovitz, I asked him what else was on the drawing board.

“We have a terrific new cook book coming out called Great Recipes By Unknown Chefs and a user-generated travel book called Best Of The Internet Travel Blogs.”

For some reason, I thought I was on some sort of Gotcha/Punk’d television show where the host would come out and Cyrus would say it was all a joke.

But it wasn’t a joke.

This is the future of our Publishing Group and it seriously scares the shit out of me.

Cyrus Weinstein has been a trailblazing executive in the publishing world for over 40 years but I think his dinosaur bones are starting to show and it may be time to bury him so that future generations can dig him up and say “Oh, so this is what a publishing executive looked like.”

But… he has earned my respect over the years and he deserves the shot to make his new strategy work.

God help us all.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

September 28, 2011October 13, 2011

Hollywood Is Out Of Visionaries

Allen & Company retreat, Ari Emanuel, Barry Diller, Ben Silverman, Bob Iger, Carol Bartz, DumbDumb, Electus, Eric Schmidt, Gina Bianchini, Herb Allen, Herb Allen Sun Valley Conference, Herbert Allen, Jeff Bewkes, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jeffrey Immelt, Jerry Yang, Khan Manka, Lady Gaga, Leslie Moonves, Lloyd Grohl, Manka Bros., Marissa Mayer, Mark Pincus, Mark Zuckerberg, Peter Chernin, Phillippe Dauman, Reid Hoffman, Richard Parsons, Ricky Van Veen, Rupert Murdoch, Sergey Brin, Sheryl Sandberg, Steve Jobs, Sun Valley Retreat, Sun Valley Retreat 2010, Terry Semel, World's Largest Media Company, Chase Carey, James Murdoch, Elisabeth Murdoch, Lachlan Murdoch, Jim Gianopulos, Joel Klein, Jon Miller, Steve Burke, Michael Angelakis, Leslie Moonves, Philippe Dauman, Jeff Bewkes, John Martin, Howard Stringer, Rob Wiesenthal, Michael Lynton, John Malone, Greg Maffei, Haim Saban, David Zaslav, John Hendricks, Mike White, Edgar Bronfman, Len Blavatnik, Tim Armstrong, Peter Chernin, Tom Freston, Carol Bartz, Jerry Yang, Mark Pincus, Owen Van Natta, Brian Roberts, Jason Kilar, Wayne Willich, Reid Hoffman, Harvey Weinstein, Diane Von Furstenberg, Andrew Mason, Jason Kilar, Ben Horowitz, Gina Bianchini, Mark Pincus, Ali Pincus, Robert Wiesenthal, Tom Freston, Bing Gordon, Bill Gates, Chris Christie, Martin Sorrell, Eric Lefkofsky, Oprah Winfrey

UPDATE: And now we can add Bob Iger to the list below. The coward couldn’t stick it out like a real mogul would. Real moguls don’t retire.

——–

This morning, about 11:00, I had an epiphany.

I was trying to think of someone in this fucking town that I wanted to have lunch with today.

I couldn’t think of anyone.

Everyone is so freakin’ boring these days that I ended up telling my driver, Leif Garrett, to go pick up my daughter, Connie, at school and bring her to the studio so I could have lunch with her.

I was stunned that I would rather hear about her morning learning about the Civil War (or some shit) than I would meeting with some other studio mogul to find out what they are up to.

Because I already know the answer – they are up to nothing. They are up to bullshit.

I have never been so bored with my industry as I am right now. Hollywood is in full blown reactive mode.

We are spending our days and nights trying to figure out how to put our beautiful, expensive, well-produced content on a 3 inch screen.

We are working so hard for the tech geeks who are innovating and inventing these new devices and services that this very same beautiful, expensive, well-produced content is on a collision course with a mountain of shit.

Hollywood was built on innovation and there is nothing happening on that front.

Some would argue – “Hell, yeah, we’re innovating, we’re transitioning to digital! It’s an inflection point, bitch!”

Fuck that.

All those ideas, all that technology, all that innovation is coming from somewhere else.

Twenty-five year old dorks with nothing to lose are making us old moguls obsolete. And worse? They are dictating the terms. (30% to show my stupid movie on your stupid Facebook?!)

Nothing new is coming out of Hollywood. We are creatively bankrupt.

Yes, content is king. And we make the content the world wants to see. But it’s the same goddamned content over and over – and that seems to be okay with everyone in this town.

Manka Bros. has the worst Fall TV line-up on MBS I have ever seen. And no one seems to care – certainly not Jay McBee – who does nothing with his time but train for Triathlons (that he loses).

I mean, as long as the bonus checks keep clearing, why the fuck wouldn’t we just keep things at the status quo? Right?

All my friends, visionaries at one point in their lives, are passing their remaining days doing bullshit. It’s depressing.

Barry Diller started a broadcast network out of scotch tape and bubble gum wrappers (Fox) and today he owns a dating service and has to listen to the stupid “ground breaking” ideas of Ben Silverman.

Michael Eisner revitalized and rebuilt one of the great studios of all time and now he’s producing little videos for the internet and going duck hunting. Does anyone really know what the hell he is trying to do?

Jeffrey Katzenberg kicked some ass at Disney and created an environment that enabled a dead genre (animated features) to become popular again. Today, he is most likely preparing Monsters, Inc. 2 and reading a draft of the Kung Fu Panda 3 screenplay. Just sell your studio already, Jeffrey, it’s never going to be the empire you imagined at one time – when you still had dreams.

And then there are these guys – my great friends – the ones that truly built something from nothing:

Rupert Murdoch – who built a global media empire from a tiny grade school newspaper (or something) – and now he’s just sitting around his office in the dark listening to Pippa Middleton’s phone messages.

Sumner Redstone – Well, I think he was more lucky than good and didn’t really do much in his life except yell at people and try to pick up hot chicks. (OK, I’m sure he did something significant somewhere along the line, but he’s still staying at my house on-and-off these days, so I’m pissed at him right now. This guy doesn’t flush the toilet. It’s horrifying. And those Charlie’s Angels posters from the 1970s are just embarrassing.)

And Ted Turner, one of the craziest risk takers and innovators the media world has ever seen – all that great shit he built from nothing – is now making buffalo burgers.

Sure, these guys, as I myself, are getting old and there really isn’t much more we can accomplish because death will most likely put an end to any future plans we have.

And, really, the energy level just isn’t there. I mean, the Mogulympics at Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Retreat this year was just pathetic.

The biggest problem I have at my studio is – there isn’t a new generation of innovators in Hollywood to take the old trailblazers’ place. They’re all going to Silicon Valley – and why not? There sure as shit isn’t anything going on here.

My father wouldn’t consider himself a visionary by any means (and, frankly, no one else would either). He was a total prick whose main accomplishments in life were stealing other people’s ideas and having heart attacks. But he and his brothers (THE Manka Bros.) were Thomas Edisons compared to today’s Hollywood.

All we have today is a generation of cost-cutters and an army of people minding the bottom line.

Innovation has left town and it’s not coming back.

We’re Hollywood, goddamnit, we’re important – how the fuck did we let that happen?

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

September 8, 2011September 8, 2011

Manka Bros. Would Like To Offer Carol Bartz A Job

Good afternoon.

I am back from my house in the Seychelles and ready to go. I trust everyone had a good July and August (with the exception of my great friend Rupert Murdoch) and I pray Manka Bros. can finish strong to help save this cesspool of a year.

(If anyone asks me about my summer or how things are going with Leann Womack, you will be fired.)

On my return to the office (by the way, would it have killed anyone to fucking dust my goddamned desk?), I noticed that the idiots on the Yahoo! Board of Directors (yes, I’m talking to you Vyomesh Joshi!) fired CEO Carol Bartz.

Are they out of their fucking minds?

Before Ms. Bartz came along, Yahoo! was nothing but a second-rate search engine with a decent news and finance area. And now look at them!

Fucking idiots.

I could tell things were bad at Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Retreat this year. She wasn’t pounding whiskey sours the way I know she can. She must have known something was coming.

Well, Ms. Bartz, if I may write at you directly, today is your lucky day.

Manka Bros. – the World’s Largest Media Company – would like to hire you. And you can pretty much pick which area of the studio you would like to run.

Since everyone seems to suck at their jobs lately, I would be more than happy to fire the person you would like to replace.

It would be really sweet to get rid of Jay McBee – but you may not have much of an interest in television.

We offer a competitive salary and benefits package (comparable to all of the other division heads at Manka Bros. – with the exception of COO Lloyd Grohl who, I think, even earns more than I do).

If you accept, be sure and bring that foul mouth with you.

I would love to see you go off on someone who might accidentally park in your parking spot. That would make my day!

So, think about it. Burbank is really nice this time of year.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

P.S. – If things don’t work out and our Board of Directors has to fire you, I can assure you it will be in person and not via text or phone message. The Board gets off on seeing the face of the person being fired.

July 22, 2011July 5, 2022

Leaving For My House In The Seychelles

Allen & Company retreat, Anne Mulcahy, Anne Sweeney, Ari Emanuel, Barry Diller, Ben Silverman, Bob Iger, Bobby Kotick, Carol Bartz, Charlie Rose, Cory Booker, DumbDumb, Electus, Eric Schmidt, Erin Burnett, Gina Bianchini, Harvey Weinstein, Herb Allen, Herb Allen Sun Valley Conference, Herbert Allen, Jean-Bernard Levy, Jeff Bewkes, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jeffrey Immelt, Jerry Yang, John Donahue, Ken Auletta, Khan Manka, Lachlan Murdoch, Lady Gaga, Leslie Moonves, Lionel Barber, Lloyd Grohl, Manka Bros., Marc Andreessen, Marissa Mayer, Mark Pincus, Mark Zuckerberg, Martin Sorrell, Mathias Dopfner, MIchelle Caruso-Cabrera, Mike Bloomberg, Niall FitzGerald, Peter Chernin, Phillippe Dauman, Reid Hoffman, Richard Parsons, Ricky Van Veen, Rob Wiesenthal, Robert L. Johnson, Ron Meyer, Rupert Murdoch, Sergey Brin, Sheryl Sandberg, Steve Jobs, Sun Valley Retreat, Sun Valley Retreat 2010, Terry Semel, Tom Freston, Tom Friedman, Ursula Burns, Vivi Nevo, Warren Buffett, World's Largest Media Company, Comic-Con, Leann Womack, Captain Stoppo, Lloyd Grohl

Good morning.

This afternoon, I will be leaving for my house in the Seychelles and probably won’t return until after Labor Day.

(Quick reminder: Labor Day is not a Holiday at Manka Bros. – this was my father’s thing for some reason and I will uphold the tradition.)

Manka Bros. is having a terrible year and, like my friend Rupert Murdoch, I put the blame squarely on you, the mid-to-lower level employees.

I’m not sure what else you people expect Senior Management to do. We’ve done all we can. It’s now up to you to pull us out of the shitter!

It’s very simple. Make movies that will be successful and TV shows that people want to watch. That’s it. We’re not asking you to create a new life-form.

I would also like someone to solve the digital transition issue by the time I get back.

Lloyd Grohl will have complete control over the studio while I am gone. If anyone needs to reach me – you can’t. I’ll be in touch with you (but probably not).

The plane will be picking up Leann Womack (I know, it’s back on – don’t ask) in Nashville. After that, my phone will be turned off for six weeks. I may blog, I may not.

Also, as some of you may know, Manka Bros. did not have a presence at Comic-Con this year. I gave a keynote address there last year and realized it’s just a little too ridiculous for someone of my stature.

Along those lines, I have decided NOT to move forward with a Captain Stoppo movie. It appears that comic book movies are dead. FYI, this may affect headcount at MC Comics.

I’ll see you in September. Pray that I have good weather and the sand isn’t too hard on my feet.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

July 18, 2011July 18, 2011

In Defense of Rupert Murdoch

Rupert Murdoch doesn’t have a lot of friends these days.

It seems the only defenders he has are the people he pays to write puff pieces in the newspapers he owns.

As a fellow media mogul, I feel I must defend my good friend Rupert.

It is not easy to build an empire. And it’s certainly not easy to hold one together – just ask Caesar or one of those other Roman guys.

Crushing the opposition can be tiresome. It’s much easier to be passive.

Rupert’s empire is unraveling – an empire that started with him taking over a failed junior high school newspaper in some God forsaken bush town in the Australian Outback (or something) and building it into one of the largest media companies in the world (though Manka Bros. remains #1).

How did he do it? He worked hard, he was fearless, and, yes, he hacked into voice mails. [Manka Bros. legal disclaimer: This last statement should read ‘allegedly’ – we don’t know if he was ‘fearless’.]

I last spoke to Rupert a couple of weeks ago at Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference. We participated in the ‘Mogulympics’ together. He was quite impressive in the long jump – though he kept hitting the foul line which kept him out of the medals.

This, I suppose, could be a metaphor for the way he conducts business. Or, he’s just 80 years old and doesn’t really know what the fuck he is doing anymore.

I was lucky. I inherited my media empire from my father and my uncles. I didn’t have to build it from scratch like Rupert or Sumner or my uncles (who sold a donkey to buy a movie camera).

In fact, I haven’t really had to do shit for the past 30 years (though there have been lots of lunches and galas which can get exhausting). The bullying, intimidation, spying and threats on other people’s lives was done by those before me. Because of my large security staff, people know not to fuck with Manka Bros.… so they don’t.

Now I must speak directly to Rupert for a moment:

If you choose to roll over, Rupert, it will be an insult to all of us moguls.

Even if you are guilty and did, in fact, ruin people’s lives, etc. you must continue to deny it and blame others. That’s the mogul way. Honesty is for losers.

And if, God forbid, you find yourself becoming remorseful over what you’ve done (ugh) and have an uncontrollable urge to “do the right thing”, remember the Mogul Credo: “I am a mogul, I am better than all others.” (Copyright 2003 – Bob Iger)

——————————————

Rupert Murdoch is my friend (though he did try to run me out of business in the 1990s and still owes me $100 from a Super Bowl pool he didn’t win… but I digress).

Rupert runs a charity (M.I.L.K) to find lost kittens.

Rupert is an active participant in my monthly book club for moguls.

The embroidered pillow cases Rupert personally made for my daughter’s Bat Mitzvah were incredibly beautiful.

It just kills me that he is going through all this ‘hacking’ unpleasantness.

Don’t people realize that every time you log onto Facebook, or buy a movie ticket, milk, gas, etc., those companies get all of your personal information going back to the sonogram when you were in the womb?

Anyone who reads this blog might as well hand over the deed to their house. We know the movies you went to this weekend, the TV shows you watched… the food you ate. Hey Jenny B. in Tuscon, how did you enjoy “Harry Potter”? And did you like Papa John’s new stuffed crust pizza? We noticed you had three pieces – it must have been good!

So, people of the world, don’t get all schadenfreude-ish with Rupert and hope that his empire comes crashing down. All moguls do what he’s doing and will continue to long after he’s gone (either death or jail).

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

July 7, 2011July 7, 2011

Khan Manka, Jr. Speech – Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference 2011 – Day 3

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2011

Day 1 — Day 2 — Day 2.5 – Day 3

[The following is a transcript of the speech Khan Manka, Jr. gave at Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference today. It has been transcribed from an audio recording made by Mr. Manka. Herb Allen is heard first introducing Mr. Manka – followed by applause and a few audible ‘boos’. This transcription has not been edited or reviewed by Mr. Manka.]

Herb Allen: OK – OK. Can I have the mic up, please? It is? Can I have it louder, please? There we go. There we go. Can I get your attention please, everyone? Terry Semel? Come on, I’m trying to… OK… thank you. Thanks to all of you for moving over here to the Opera House on such short notice. I can’t believe our room was double-booked. I just hope the Morgan Family Reunion finishes earlier than planned so we can move back.

[… incoherent rumblings and chatter – finally it gets quiet…]

Herb Allen: I’ve got a real treat here this afternoon. Over the past couple of years, he’s been quite the Sun Valley Squire – thanks for all the revealing blogs you put out there, Khan. Privacy obviously isn’t one of your concerns! But thanks for the tip on the “Saban” spray tan – I”ll try to get one of those before I leave here.

[Laughs throughout the room.]

Herb Allen: You don’t need me to tell you about Khan Manka, Jr. You hear all you would ever want to hear about it him every night at the bar – except that Singapore midget thing – thanks not right – just horrible, Khan. But anyway, here he is… one of the great moguls right here in our midst – Khan Manka, Jr.

[Applause – some ‘boos’.]

Khan Manka, Jr.: Thanks, Donner. That’s a ‘Mogulympics’ reference from yesterday’s blog. ‘Blog’ makes me sound like I’m a hip new media guy–

Mark Zuckerberg’s voice: No, it doesn’t. Maybe in 1996!

[Laughs…]

Khan Manka, Jr.: What? Is that Zuckerberg? You just got here and it’s already with the cheap shots, huh? You’re just worried about Manka’s new Facebook killer we have coming out – Caligula.

Mark Zuckerberg: No… I’m not… at all. I’ve seen it. It sucks. Non-awesome.

[Big laugh from the room.]

Khan Manka, Jr.: OK, OK – you know what? I’m just gonna punt on my prepared remarks because every time I do one of these speeches it ends in fucking chaos. People ‘booing’, fighting… it’s just crazy. If you want to read my speech to CES titled “The Future Is Last Year”, go to the website. I’m gonna wing it, Herb, just finish your wine. I have a few things to say. Look… all I do is speak the truth. And the truth is this: The Hollywood mogul is dead, killed by the geeks.

[Chuckles from a few… one loud “BULLSHIT!”]

Khan Manka, Jr.: No, I’m sorry, Bob – Bob Iger everybody – it’s true. I look around this room – half are not even looking at me, buried in their phones, the other half are looking me but are thinking an afternoon nap sounds really good. Us old media guys don’t stand a chance.

[Silence. A sniffle. A cough.]

Khan Manka, Jr.: This is not just a generational thing. This is a real problem. Technological innovations have been coming at us so fast and furious (right, Ron Meyer?) that the older moguls can’t keep up with the changes AND play golf at the same time. And most of us don’t even want to try. Seriously, I don’t need a goddamned phone every fucking month! And I certainly don’t want to keep digitizing my film library into a new format every couple of months for your stupid new phones!

[A few claps… someone is babbling something incoherently.]

Khan Manka, Jr.: The old moguls, and I suppose you can count me that group, just want to produce really great content, put it in a movie theater or on a television, get reports on the ratings or the box office – and it do all again next week. That’s it. We don’t want that to end. You ‘new media’ types have no respect for that culture. No respect for the work we’ve done. You think it’s easy what we do. ‘Comedy is easy – creating an App, that’s hard.’ I say ‘Go F yourselves.’

[A few claps… more ‘boos’, a few shouts and one “Fuck you, too.”]

Khan Manka, Jr.: Why the hell would Reid Hoffman be considered a mogul? He runs a little chat room for people trying to get work.

[… lots of ‘boos’, shouts and ‘fuck yous’…]

Khan Manka, Jr.: Come on, seriously? A mogul produces movies and TV shows, owns networks and has long lunches at really nice restaurants with other moguls. You new people eat at your desks or the company cafeteria. You don’t produce anything. You have data servers in the Mojave Desert. How the hell that does make you a mogul? How is the Groupon guy a mogul? Freakin’ coupons for laser hair removal? HE’S a mogul?

[… the room is in chaos with shouts, ‘boos’, audible punching sounds…]

Herb Allen is heard on another mic. Mr. Manka continues in the background.

Khan Manka, Jr.: WHO THE HELL THREW THAT?!!

Herb Allen: Hold it! Please do NOT throw your cellphones at Mr. Manka! Thank you.

[Total chaos.]

Herb Allen: Khan, listen… LISTEN!!! When I started this conference twenty some years ago, I never intended it to be a “mogul fest” – I was just trying to gather successful, interesting people who run successful, interesting companies. The entertainment people tend to get the most press and so it became known – by the press, which most of the people in this room own and run – as a ‘Mogul Fest’. It wasn’t my intention.

Khan Manka, Jr.: Well… as long as we’re clear that Mark Zuckerberg is not a mogul.

Mark Zuckerberg: Hey, we distribute your shitty movies on Facebook. Nobody buys them, but they are available.

Khan Manka, Jr.: Fine. Fair enough. You’re a mogul. Any questions? If you new media people want to get hammered tonight, I’m buying at the bar.

[Applause… shouts of approval… audio ends.]

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company