Politics – Page 3 – Chairman's Blog

January 25, 2012January 23, 2013

Davos World Economic Forum – 2012 – Khan Manka, Jr. Keynote Address

Adrian Monck, Al Berkeley, Alan Marcus, Alex Wong, Andre Schneider, Angela Bromstad, Ari Emanuel, Ben Silverman, Carine Benetti, Carla Bruni-Sarkozy, Carlos Ghosn, Carsten Sudhoff, Christine Lagarde, Christophe Weber, Cristiana Falcone, David Aikman, Davos World Economic Forum, Denise Burnet, Dominic Waughray, Electus, Emilio Lozoya Austin, Ernesto Zedillo Ponce de Leon, Fon Mathuros, Giancarlo Bruno, Gilbert Probst, Guy Goodwin, Guy-Serge Baer, H.M. Queen Rania, Harry Manka, Heizo Takenaka, Helena Leurent, Indra Nooyi, Irene Mia, Ivan Pictet, Jean-Loup Denereaz, Jean-Pierre Rosso, Jeff Immelt, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jennifer Blanke, Jeremy Jurgens, John Moavenzadeh, Josef Ackermann, Joseph Schoendorf, Julianne Jammers, Katerine Tweedie, Kevin Steinberg, Khan Manka, Klaus Schwab, Kofi Annan, Kristel Van der Elst, Kurt Alig, Laurent Desnoux, Lee Howell, Lisa Dreier, Logan Stanton, Malte Godbersen, Manka Bros., Margareta Drzeniek Hanouz, Martina Gmur, Massimo Marino, Maurice Levy, Max von Bismarck, Melanie Rogers, Michael Dell, Mirjam Schoning, Nazi gold, Niall FitzGerald, Nicolas Sarkozy, Olivier Raynaud, OnMedea, Orit Gadiesh, Paul Smyke, Peter Brabeck-Letmathe, Peter Sutherland, Piers Cumberlege, Pratik Bhatnagar, Rajat Gupta, Regula Waltenspuel, Richard Samans, Ricky Van Veen, Robert Greenhill, Rupert Murdoch, Saadia Zahidi, Sarita Nayyar, Sheana Tambourgi, Sherif El Diwany, Stephanie Janet, Stephen Kinnock, Sumner Redstone, Susan Hockfield, Sushant Palakurthi Rao, Terry Semel, Tony Blair, Victor L.L. Chu, William George, world's largest media company, Victor Pinchuk, Denis O'Brien, Vikas Oberoi, Kevin Steinberg, Henry Ross Perot, George Soros, Viktor Vekselberg, Nicolas Berggruen, Rahul Bajaj, Adi Godrej, Brian Behlendorf, Borge Brende, Robert Greenhill, W. Lee Howell, Adrian Monck, Gilbert J. B. Probst, Alois Zwinggi, David Aikman, Roberto Bocca, Denise Burnet, Piers A. Cumberlege, jean-Loup Denereaz, Martina Gmur, Malte Godbersen, jeremy Jurgens, Sushant Palakurthi Rao, OIivier Raynaud, mel Rogers, Mirjam Schoning, Carsten Sudhoff, Dominic Waughray, Alex Wong, Saadia Zahidi, Guy-Serge Baer, Carine Benetti, Fon Mathuros Chantanayingyong, Thea Chiesa, Laurent Desnoux, Margareta Drzeniek Hanouz, Miroslav Dusek, Diana El-Azar, Guy Goodwin, Silvia Von Gunten, Andrew J. Hagan, Michael Hanley, Chiemi Hayashi, Julianne Jammers, Stephanie Janet, Elsi Kanza, Thomas Kerr, Kamal Kimaoui, Stephen Kinnock, Randall Krantz, Roldolfo Lara Torres, Emma Loades, Grant McKibbin, Katherine Milligan, Michele Petochi, Akira Tsuchiya, Kristel Van der Elst, Regula Waltenspuel, Zhang Li, Josef Ackermann, Mukesh Ambani, Kofi Annan, Peter Brabeck-Letmathe, Mark J. Carney, Victor L. L. Chu, Michael S. Dell, Oriti Gadiesh, Carlos Ghosn, Herman Gref, Susan Hockfield, Christine Lagarde, Maurice Levy, Luis A. Moreno, Indra Nooyi, H. M. Queen Rania Al Abdullah of the hashemite Kingdom of Jordan, Peter Sands, Joseph P. Schoendorf, Josette Sheeran, Peter D. Sutherland, Heizo Takenaka, Ben J. Verwaayen, George Yeo Yong-Boon, Ernesto Zedillo Ponce de Leon, Zhu Min, Paul Graham, Y Combinator, Hollywood vs. Silicon Valley

[Manka Bros. Studios Chairman & CEO Khan Manka, Jr. gave a keynote address today at the Davos World Economic Forum. He wanted me to post a transcript of his speech which I made watching a video feed. It is posted, unedited, below. — Vicky Adler-Modry – Senior Executive Assistant to Khan Manka, Jr.]

KHAN MANKA, JR. ADDRESSES THE DAVOS, SWITZERLAND WORLD ECONOMIC FORUM – JANUARY 25, 2012

(Klaus Schwab – Founder and Executive Chairman of the World Economic Forum – is at a podium. Bon Jovi’s “Living On A Prayer” is playing. The music fades.)

Klaus Schwab (heavily accented English): Good morning. I hope you all have had enough snow. We may be able to control the finances of the world but I guess we cannot control the weather… yet.

(He laughs – he’s the only one.)

Klaus Schwab: So, did you have a good night? Lots of drinking last night and I’m not sure what was in that cheese fondue but – oh, my – let’s just say it was a tough night. So enough about me and my toilet issues. Let’s get it started – like my friend Khan from Hollywood likes to say. Our keynote address this morning is from Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO of Manka Bros. Studios – currently the world’s largest media company—

Khan Manka, Jr.: — Maybe not after the shitty numbers we had last year!

(Big laugh from the assembled.)

Klaus Schwab: Okay. Whatever. He really needs no introduction – so I won’t give him one – here is Khan Manka, Jr.

(“Rock You Like A Hurricane” plays as Khan Manka, Jr. gives Klaus Schwab a hug and steps up to the podium. Applause.)

Khan Manka, Jr.: Thank you. Thanks so much. Please, thanks, I only have a few minutes. Please, I want to get out of Switzerland more than Roman Polanski – believe me…

(Applause stops. There are a couple of ‘boos’ after that remark.)

Khan Manka, Jr.: Thank you Klaus. I had a few jokes prepared at your expense but your goons told me to lay off – so I’ll just get to my prepared remarks. But before I do that can I just say to the Motion Picture Academy – go fuck yourselves. How about a little taste of that, huh? No nominations? Maybe next year you should watch the movies you nominate. OK, Klaus, I get it – on to my prepared remarks.

(Klaus Schwab smiles painfully and leaves the stage.)

Khan Manka, Jr.: I was originally going to call my speech “Don’t Drop The SOPA” – but then I realized there were about 10,000 blogs that have used that as well as a very unfunny political pundit on Fox News. So I’ll just have to punt on that dumb joke. Though the analogy is apt. When you drop the soap in prison – well, you know what happens. If Hollywood studios were to drop the SOPA – well, the same thing would happen.

(A slight titter in the audience.)

Khan Manka, Jr.: So… this is my second trip in a year to give a speech in Switzerland. As many of you know, I spoke to the creepy Bilderberg Conference last summer. I won’t go into details – but it was the worst 24 hours of my life. I mean, the hooded waiters were one thing – but the Lionel Richie concert – that was just too much!

(Big laugh from the room.)

Khan Manka, Jr.: Man, when the Davos bankers think the Bilderbergers are creepy – you know they must be REALLY REALLY CREEPY. Cause you guys are a fucked up bunch. Do you really think you can do anything to help anybody in the world? You freaks are delusional. Panels and Powerpoint slides aren’t going to cut it. Admit it, you’re here for the hot toddys and snow bunnies– that’s right, I’m looking at you Angela Merkel!

(A few gasps and a couple of walk outs.)

Khan Manka, Jr.: Wait wait… that’s not the tone I want to strike. I’m actually here to ask for your help. The last time I spoke at this conference was two years ago and I slammed you all pretty good. I definitely remember calling that guy ‘fat’ – (pointing to a guy in the audience) – but I’m not going to do that this year – even though, dude, the health club here at the hotel is free, man – take advantage.

(There is an unseen ‘Fuck you’ from the audience. Klaus Schwab comes on the stage.)

Klaus Schwab: Just read from your script. Please.

Khan Manka, Jr.: Got it, Klaus. You guys are definitely not going to do anything good for the world if you can’t take a joke. OK – my speech. (reading) In Hollywood, we are facing the battle of our lives. This is a battle for our very existence. As many of you know, entrepreneurs from Silicon Valley are a bunch of conceited pricks who think they can do whatever they want. Whether it’s using Hollywood content without permission or stealing other people’s ideas, putting a new logo on it and calling it ‘revolutionary’ (is Paul Graham here today?) – we’ve got a big problem on our hands.

(The crowd is getting uneasy.)

Khan Manka, Jr.: And there really is only one solution. One of us must win. And one of us must lose. I, for one, do not lose. So the loser is Silicon Valley. But we’re going to need a lot of support from the bankers and billionaires of the world to basically shut down the area between, oh, let’s say – San Francisco and Santa Barabara. Just shut it down. Make all the wine you want – but no more stupid social networks. No more loans. No more IPOs. Just shut the fucker down. The world can get their computers and dorky FarmVille games from somewhere else. I’m sure there are companies in Switzerland capable of making digital sheep. I mean, you make a lot of real sheep, am I right?

(A nervous Klaus Schwab has come back onto the stage is standing close to Khan Manka, Jr.)

Khan Manka, Jr.: Klaus, please, back off. Do you want me to tell the crowd that it wasn’t the cheese that put you on that toilet all night?

(Klaus Schwab backs away a bit but stays on the stage.)

Khan Manka, Jr.: Now I can tell there are a few people here from Silicon Valley. I can tell because you are wearing hoodies instead of business casual like you were told. Yet another rule you seem to have disregard for. Why would you care less about what your hosts want or think? It’s called human decency, assholes. You could care less about anything because you think you run the world.

(There is a commotion in the crowd. A couple of members of the Swiss Army swoop in and take away a screaming man in a hoodie. Several gadgets fall out of his pockets.)

Khan Manka, Jr.: Well, listen up, Silicon Valley – and, yes, you, too, Paul Graham who wishes to “Kill Hollywood” – it’s game on and today is Day 1.

If you think you can make premium content and distribute it in a way that makes money without us involved – go for it. Good luck. Just because you geeks think you talk like the characters on “Big Bang Theory” doesn’t mean you can write the dialogue. There are professionals. And there are amateurs. In the world of content, who do you think is the professional? That’s right. Game – set – match.

(There is chaos in the room as a couple of guys in hoodies approach the stage.)

Khan Manka, Jr.: Oh, really, hoodie boy, you wanna go?!

Klaus Schwab rushes to the podium and puts a hand on Khan Manka, Jr.’s shoulder. The Swiss Army guys remove the men in hoodies.)

Khan Manka, Jr.: Um… “Welcome To The Terrordome” was suppose to play here. You assholes aren’t going to play my music cues now? I’m fucking surrounded by amateurs. I am done with Switzerland. Victor (Pinchuk), I’m de-icing the plane – whenever you’re ready I am out of here.

(Khan Manka, Jr. walks off the stage. )

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

December 13, 2011December 13, 2011

Newt Gingrich? America Is Seriously F-cked

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Manka Bros. Studios, The World's Largest Media Company, Newt Gingrich, Callista Gingrich, Jackie Battley, Marianne Ginther, Jeff Weiner, Ben Silverman, Rob Johnson, Sonny Perdue, Rick Tyler, Hermain Cain, Mitt Romney, Rick Perry, Michele Bachman, Rick Santorum, Ron Paul

Good afternoon.

So the current polls have something called “Newt Gingrich” leading the Republican field by over 10 percentage points.

To quote my daughter: “This is some seriously fucked up shit.”

First of all, there needs to be a Constitutional Amendment drawn up immediately that says “No one named Newt Gingrich shall ever be allowed to become President of the United States.”

It’s not even his meandering politics or sloppy appearance (a man can believe and eat whatever he wants in this country as long as you keep going to my movies and watching my TV networks).

He’s just a nothing – basically, the biggest “so what?” in the history of the country.

No platitudes here – all true.

I seriously believe this guy would be just as excited to have a part as a mailman on “Two Broke Girls” as he would to be President of the United States.

Any attention is good for someone like Newt Gingrich who just likes to pontificate on any subject – regardless if he has knowledge or not. He doesn’t care about where he is or how important the matter may be – he just likes to talk – in a really boring way and without any sense of consequence.

Imagine President Newt Gingrich and the things he may say:

President Newt Gingrich: “You want to know where I keep the nuclear codes? It’s actually a pretty interesting story, Old Farmer at a random Denny’s – I keep them in the vegetable drawer of my private refrigerator – it’s the one drawer that didn’t have any food in it. Bill Clinton used to keep the codes in his pants – ha ha – get it? Because he cheated on his wife! I stopped doing that one wife ago!”

President Newt Gringrich: “I told Vladimir Putin I would back him up in an illegal election if he would open up Russian theatrical distribution for my documentary Nine Days That Changed The World.”

President Newt Gingrich: “I don’t have time to talk about the budget today, I’m signing copies of my ‘State of the Union Speech’ at a Books A Million in Annapolis. Sean Hannity’s buying free coffee and donuts for everybody.”

President Newt Gringrich: You know, I’m the only historian ever elected President. Which means I know – based on historical fact – who all the great Presidents were like Ronald Reagan and all the shitty Presidents – like Jimmy Carter.”

Etc. etc. etc. – you get the idea.

I think it was President Lincoln who said it best in the ‘Gettysburg Address’:

‘Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal. However, should there be at any time in the future a man named Newt Gingrich who decides to run for President – he must not be allowed for the betterment of the world…’

It’s very simple: No one named Newt Gingrich is allowed to be President of the United States.

He’s just not allowed.

Period.

If Honest Abe doesn’t like Newt, neither do I…

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

July 18, 2011July 18, 2011

In Defense of Rupert Murdoch

Allen & Company retreat, Anne Mulcahy, Ari Emanuel, Barry Diller, Ben Silverman, Bob Iger, Bobby Kotick, Carol Bartz, Charlie Rose, Cory Booker, DumbDumb, Electus, Eric Schmidt, Erin Burnett, Gina Bianchini, Harvey Weinstein, Herb Allen, Herb Allen Sun Valley Conference, Herbert Allen, Jean-Bernard Levy, Jeff Bewkes, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jeffrey Immelt, Jerry Yang, John Donahue, Ken Auletta, Khan Manka, Lachlan Murdoch, Lady Gaga, Leslie Moonves, Lionel Barber, Lloyd Grohl, Manka Bros., Marc Andreessen, Marissa Mayer, Mark Pincus, Mark Zuckerberg, Martin Sorrell, Mathias Dopfner, Mike Bloomberg, Niall FitzGerald, Peter Chernin, Phillippe Dauman, Reid Hoffman, Richard Parsons, Ricky Van Veen, Rob Wiesenthal, Robert L. Johnson, Ron Meyer, Rupert Murdoch, Sergey Brin, Sheryl Sandberg, Steve Jobs, Sun Valley Retreat, Sun Valley Retreat 2010, Terry Semel, Tom Freston, Tom Friedman, Ursula Burns, Vivi Nevo, Warren Buffett, World's Largest Media Company, Rupert Murdoch, Jose Maria Aznar, natalie Bancroft, Peter Barnes, Chase Carey, Kenneth Cowley, David DeVoe, Viet Dinh, Rod Eddington, Joel Klein, Andrew S.B. Knight, James Murdoch, Lachlan Murdoch, Thomas Perkins, Arthur Siskind, John Thornton, Stanley Shuman, Rebekah Brooks, Les Hinton, Teri Everett, jack Horner, Julie Henderson, Reed Nolte, Roger Ailes, Janet Nova, John Nallen, Beryl Cook, Michael Regan, Genie Gavenchak, Brian Lewis, Irena Briganti, Dan Berger, Rosabel Tao, Steven Rubenstein, Suzanne Halpin, Elisabeth Murdoch

Rupert Murdoch doesn’t have a lot of friends these days.

It seems the only defenders he has are the people he pays to write puff pieces in the newspapers he owns.

As a fellow media mogul, I feel I must defend my good friend Rupert.

It is not easy to build an empire. And it’s certainly not easy to hold one together – just ask Caesar or one of those other Roman guys.

Crushing the opposition can be tiresome. It’s much easier to be passive.

Rupert’s empire is unraveling – an empire that started with him taking over a failed junior high school newspaper in some God forsaken bush town in the Australian Outback (or something) and building it into one of the largest media companies in the world (though Manka Bros. remains #1).

How did he do it? He worked hard, he was fearless, and, yes, he hacked into voice mails. [Manka Bros. legal disclaimer: This last statement should read ‘allegedly’ – we don’t know if he was ‘fearless’.]

I last spoke to Rupert a couple of weeks ago at Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference. We participated in the ‘Mogulympics’ together. He was quite impressive in the long jump – though he kept hitting the foul line which kept him out of the medals.

This, I suppose, could be a metaphor for the way he conducts business. Or, he’s just 80 years old and doesn’t really know what the fuck he is doing anymore.

I was lucky. I inherited my media empire from my father and my uncles. I didn’t have to build it from scratch like Rupert or Sumner or my uncles (who sold a donkey to buy a movie camera).

In fact, I haven’t really had to do shit for the past 30 years (though there have been lots of lunches and galas which can get exhausting). The bullying, intimidation, spying and threats on other people’s lives was done by those before me. Because of my large security staff, people know not to fuck with Manka Bros.… so they don’t.

Now I must speak directly to Rupert for a moment:

If you choose to roll over, Rupert, it will be an insult to all of us moguls.

Even if you are guilty and did, in fact, ruin people’s lives, etc. you must continue to deny it and blame others. That’s the mogul way. Honesty is for losers.

And if, God forbid, you find yourself becoming remorseful over what you’ve done (ugh) and have an uncontrollable urge to “do the right thing”, remember the Mogul Credo: “I am a mogul, I am better than all others.” (Copyright 2003 – Bob Iger)

——————————————

Rupert Murdoch is my friend (though he did try to run me out of business in the 1990s and still owes me $100 from a Super Bowl pool he didn’t win… but I digress).

Rupert runs a charity (M.I.L.K) to find lost kittens.

Rupert is an active participant in my monthly book club for moguls.

The embroidered pillow cases Rupert personally made for my daughter’s Bat Mitzvah were incredibly beautiful.

It just kills me that he is going through all this ‘hacking’ unpleasantness.

Don’t people realize that every time you log onto Facebook, or buy a movie ticket, milk, gas, etc., those companies get all of your personal information going back to the sonogram when you were in the womb?

Anyone who reads this blog might as well hand over the deed to their house. We know the movies you went to this weekend, the TV shows you watched… the food you ate. Hey Jenny B. in Tuscon, how did you enjoy “Harry Potter”? And did you like Papa John’s new stuffed crust pizza? We noticed you had three pieces – it must have been good!

So, people of the world, don’t get all schadenfreude-ish with Rupert and hope that his empire comes crashing down. All moguls do what he’s doing and will continue to long after he’s gone (either death or jail).

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

July 7, 2011July 7, 2011

Sun Valley Shore – Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference 2011 – Day 2.5

Allen & Company retreat, Ari Emanuel, Barry Diller, Ben Silverman, Bob Iger, Carol Bartz, DumbDumb, Electus, Eric Schmidt, Gina Bianchini, Herb Allen, Herb Allen Sun Valley Conference, Herbert Allen, Jeff Bewkes, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jeffrey Immelt, Jerry Yang, Khan Manka, Lady Gaga, Leslie Moonves, Lloyd Grohl, Manka Bros., Marissa Mayer, Mark Pincus, Mark Zuckerberg, Peter Chernin, Phillippe Dauman, Reid Hoffman, Richard Parsons, Ricky Van Veen, Rupert Murdoch, Sergey Brin, Sheryl Sandberg, Steve Jobs, Sun Valley Retreat, Sun Valley Retreat 2010, Terry Semel, World's Largest Media Company, Chase Carey, James Murdoch, Elisabeth Murdoch, Lachlan Murdoch, Jim Gianopulos, Joel Klein, Jon Miller, Steve Burke, Michael Angelakis, Leslie Moonves, Philippe Dauman, Jeff Bewkes, John Martin, Howard Stringer, Rob Wiesenthal, Michael Lynton, John Malone, Greg Maffei, Haim Saban, David Zaslav, John Hendricks, Mike White, Edgar Bronfman, Len Blavatnik, Tim Armstrong, Peter Chernin, Tom Freston, Carol Bartz, Jerry Yang, Mark Pincus, Owen Van Natta, Brian Roberts, Jason Kilar, Wayne Willich, Reid Hoffman, Harvey Weinstein, Diane Von Furstenberg, Andrew Mason, Jason Kilar, Ben Horowitz, Gina Bianchini, Mark Pincus, Ali Pincus, Robert Wiesenthal, Tom Freston, Bing Gordon, Bill Gates, Chris Christie, Martin Sorrell, Eric Lefkofsky, Oprah Winfrey, Avi Nevo

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference 2011

Day 1 — Day 2 — Day 2.5 – Day 3

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It’s no secret that most moguls love to be tanned and almost all have new, whiter, straighter teeth put in over their old, yellow, crooked teeth.

Who wouldn’t want that, right?

It’s also no secret that the only reason moguls do all that is to look good to 25-year-old girls.

What we moguls don’t seem to understand is, we’re all incredibly wealthy and powerful and many 25-year-old girls (and boys) will find us attractive even if we didn’t have a spray tan or new teeth. (Duh!)

I would wager $1,000,000 that the combined age of all of the moguls teeth at this conference doesn’t even equal the age of one Sumner Redstone.

For the record, most moguls get the “Saban” tan – which is a really dark, unrealistic orange kind of hue.

I prefer the “Strauss Zelnick” which really brings out the whiteness of the teeth. The “Avi Nevo” isn’t bad either but the fragrance is way too strong.

But no matter how much we whiten our teeth and darken our skin and de-gray our hair, it’s still hard for most of us to get out of bed. And it’s really hard to run a 100-meter dash or jump over a high bar (suck-ass Mogulympics).

Just because my face is as tight and smooth as a teenager’s face doesn’t mean I have the energy of a teenager.

And why the fuck would I want the energy of a teenager? I’m a goddamned billionaire in Sun Valley living the dream.

It makes me feel good when I see a mogul (oh, let’s say, Barry Diller) who really could care less how he looks. He’s got power and doesn’t need all those tricks. He’ll take that giant T-shirt and shorts look to the grave! That’s why I admire Barry so much.

The new slobby tech moguls are less comforting to me – they’re just creepy and disturbing.

I was asked to present an updated version of the keynote speech I gave earlier this year to the CES convention in Las Vegas – so I don’t have time to get into too many details about last night’s very elaborate dinner (or the unbelievable concert by Tony Orlando & Dawn… not the old ‘Dawn’, a much younger and hotter ‘Dawn’).

Most of the conversation last night consisted of anything BUT the Rupert Murdoch hacking scandal.

I was at Rupert’s table and all he talked about was how many tomatoes he’s going to get from his garden this year.

Later this afternoon, before cocktails (or during – we’ll see), I will give my assistant a more detailed account of what is going on and she will have the online geeks write it up and add pictures, etc.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

July 5, 2011July 8, 2011

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – Day 1

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference 2011

Day 1 — Day 2 – Day 2.5 – Day 3

DAY 1 – TUESDAY AFTERNOON UPDATE:

My plane landed safely at Friedman Airport. I was picked up on the tarmac by a self-driving Google car. This scared the shit out of me, especially when I sat in the back and was greeted with a video of Sergey Brin asking me “Where do you want to go today, Khan?” I told the Sergey screen to take me immediately to The Drankin’ Hole at the Sun Valley Lodge. The Google car performed pretty well in mid-day traffic (Idaho traffic) – though the small talk conversation with the Sergey video screen was a little forced.

I am now safely at The Drankin Hole and have ordered two dirty martinis from my favorite bartender in the world – Bin Tran. Philippe Dauman is at the other end of the bar talking to himself. I don’t want to interrupt.

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DAY 1 – TUESDAY MORNING

Good morning.

OK, so I decided (after a couple of long, late night conversations with Sumner Redstone) that I would attend Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference again this year.

After last year’s conference (an absolute drunken freak fest), I vowed never to attend again. On top of that, I’m still recovering from my horrifying keynote address to the Bilderberg Conference last month in Switzerland.

But then I received Herb’s child-like invitation a few weeks ago (see left) – and it was so charming, like a 3-year-old’s birthday party invitation – that I started to change my mind.

Believe me, a child-like mentality is what is necessary for a conference like this. It’s all bullshit, you know, and if you don’t come in with an absolute open mind, what’s the point of any of it, right?

Sumner will not be attending and that makes me a little sad but, deep down, that’s fine because I’m fairly young (in mogul years) and don’t want to be linked with that dinosaur forever. I mean, Rupert is bad enough – put Rupert and Sumner together and it’s time to break out the knitting shawls and crank up the heat.

The other night Sumner was talking about how great Cinemascope was and I just had to get off the phone. Dig up Carl Laemmle or my dad if you want to talk about that shit, old man. Leave me out of it. I’m into digital now, loser.

But I digress…

So, yes, I am heading up to Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference and will be posting updates as much as I possibly can – depending on my state of inebriation.

I feel it is my duty as Chairman & CEO of the World’s Largest Media Company to attend this very important conference (at least in Herb’s mind) for the sake of my stockholders and board of directors.

I’ve been told to bring comfortable clothes, really good workout shoes and as many Dramamine as I can fit in my bag. I’m not sure what that last order meant – but I’ll abide it all the same – Herb is God up there and you don’t want to fuck with God.

So, another Sun Valley fest is upon us. May Herb have mercy on us all.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

June 9, 2011June 10, 2011

Bilderberg Conference – Khan Manka, Jr. Keynote Address

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Ben Silverman, World's Largest Media Company, Bilderberg Conference 2011, Bilderberg Meetings, Conspiracy, Suvretta House, St. Moritz, Switzerland, Andrew Kakabadse, Etienne Davignon, Suez Tractebel, Josef Ackermann, Roger Altman, Francisco Pinto Balsemao, Franco Bernabe, Henri de Castries, Juan Luis Cebrian, Edmund Clark, Kenneth Clarke, George David, Anders Eldrup, Victor Halberstadt, James Johnson, John Kerrn, Klaus Kleinfeld, Mustafa Koc, Marie-Josee Kravis, Jessica T. Mathews, Thierry de Montbrial, Mario Monti, Egil Myklebust, Matthias Nass, Jorma Ollila, Richard Perle, Heather Reisman, Rudolf Scholten, Peter Sutherland, Martin Taylor, Peter Thiel, Daniel Vasella, Jacob Wallenberg, David Rockefeller, Bernhard of the Netherlands, Alec Home of the Hirsel, Walter Scheel, Eric Roll of Ipsden, Peter Carrington, Charlie Skelton, Peter Voser, Bob Iger, Peter Guest, John Coleman, Paul van Zeeland, Joseph Retinger, Joseph Johnson, Arnold Th. Lamping, Ernst H. Van der Beugel, William Bundy, Paul Finney, Theodore Eliot, Casimir Yost, Victor Halberstadt, J. Martin Taylor

[The following is a transcript of Khan Manka, Jr.’s keynote address to the 2011 Bilderberg Conference in St. Moritz, Switzerland. Mr. Manka insisted a word-for-word translation be put up on the blog. While physical and legal threats against our lives and livelihoods have been made, we will do as Mr. Manka has asked. His speech is presented here in its entirety. – Signed Anonymous]

Khan Manka, Jr. – Bilderberg Conference – Keynote Address – June 9, 2011

Lionel Richie is finishing a rousing final chorus to “All Night Long”. The gathered group of men [and maybe one woman – it’s hard to say] are dancing with abandon in the cavernous Suvretta House hotel bomb shelter.

As Lionel Richie exits the stage and cocktail refills are being served by hooded waiters, Bilderberg Steering Committee Chairman Etienne Davignon comes out to the microphone.

Chairman Davignon (in English): Thank you so much, Lionel Richie. Would it have killed you to play “Brick House”?

(Big laughs from the room.)

Chairman Davignon: I have a real treat for my powerful friends here today. When you think about the media and entertainment landscape in the world, you have to start with Manka Bros. Studios. Not only are they the world’s largest media company, one would argue they are also the most influential in terms of how the people of the world spend their leisure time. Under great logistical stress, we were able to get Mr. Khan Manka, Jr. here today at the conference.

(Spontaneous applause and some dinging on champagne glasses.)

Chairman Davignon: You can read Mr. Manka’s biography in the handout on the back table by the cheese platter. What I will say is he has been the Chairman & CEO of Manka Bros. Studios for 35 years now and I’m sure he has seen it all. Gentlemen and Lady, I present Mr. Khan Manka, Jr.

(Applause. The piano theme music to “Eyes Wide Shut” plays over the speakers.)

Khan Manka, Jr.: Thanks Chairman-I’m-not-sure-how-to-say-your-name-so-I-won’t-try…

(Big laugh.)

Khan Manka, Jr.: It was quite a surprise when I was awoken in the middle the night – in my bedroom – in my secured house – by a couple of Swiss goons talking through some sort of modulator box telling me I had been chosen to speak to the most powerful group of people in the world. I joked and said “Will I be talking into a mirror?”

(Big laugh.)

Khan Manka, Jr.: The goons didn’t get the joke, so I listened to them. They told me about this Bilderberg Conference in Switzerland which basically controls which way the Earth’s axis rotates. I had no idea people controlled that – especially a bunch of old white men in suits.

(Silence.)

Khan Manka, Jr.: I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m very familiar with shadowy, creepy cults. I have to do business with Scientologists for Christ’s sake! Am I right?

(Uncomfortable shuffling and a lone ‘gasp’.)

Khan Manka, Jr.: I know you didn’t ask me here to call you a bunch of ‘creeps’. So I’ll just get on to my prepared remarks. As I was flying over here from L.A. (in a blacked out jet, I might add), I was given the guest list of the conference attendees. Frankly, I don’t know who the fuck any of you are – but you must be powerful – and you must be influential or you wouldn’t be sitting in a hotel bomb shelter figuring out which way the world turns… literally.

(There are a few ‘boos’ and much chattering in the audience.)

Khan Manka, Jr.: I spoke at Davos last year, maybe I met a few of you then, but we were all so drunk it’s hard to remember anything, right? The only person I recognize here is Peter Thiel – a venture capitalist who hit the lottery with a couple of those nutty internet investments. So I guess that makes you powerful, eh, Peter? Peter has a new foundation that encourages college students to drop out of school. I didn’t need a foundation like that, Peter. I dropped out on my own – so I could focus more on pot smoking and playing bongos on the beach. Am I right?

(Lionel Richie is pushed out onto the stage.)

Lionel Richie: “Brick House” is coming up – right after this speech! So wrap it up, Khan.

Khan Manka, Jr.: I don’t need some failed Commodore to come out and cut me off, all right? This happens almost every speech I give and I’m sick of it.

(A couple of black hooded Swiss goons quickly approach Mr. Manka.)

Khan Manka, Jr.: YOU WILL NOT DRAG ME OFF! You assholes don’t know anything about how the world works! You drink, you chase chambermaids – THAT’S RIGHT, I SAID IT! All of this bullshit – these conferences with caviar and champagne – and the world isn’t getting any better–!

(A solid wall of ‘boos’.)

Khan Manka, Jr.: Get your Goddamned hands off–! Hey, there’s Charlie Rose! What the fuck are you doing here? You’re not powerful. Hey, Charlie, help me–!

(The lights go out – the piano theme “Eyes Wide Shut” plays – there is a scuffle – a couple of shouts. The lights come back up. Lionel Richie is on stage. The opening notes of “Brick House” begin to play.)

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

November 5, 2010April 27, 2011

Yemen Theme Park – November Update

Good morning.

Because of the recent news that mail bombs were sent from Yemen in an attempt to blow up two Chicago-area synagogues, several people have inquired about Manka Bros.’ plans to build a billion dollar Manka Fun Park in Yemen.

After much thought and despite the imploring of other studio moguls, I have made my decision: THE THEME PARK CONSTRUCTION WILL CONTINUE.

Just because there are a few terrorists trying to blow up everything in the United States doesn’t mean that the rest of the people of Yemen don’t deserve roller coasters and the All-New Broadway Re-Zoo starring Joey Levitch!

While it has been a long slog through the bureaucratic muck and construction of the park has been slow due to increased terror threats, political turmoil and badly handled wire transfers, things are moving along.

Because of all those hurdles, I thought the opening would have to be pushed back a few months (or years), but I was reassured yesterday by the Yemeni leader Ali Abdullah Saleh that since labor costs in that country are non-existent and there are no overtime rules (are you listening America?), the scheduled opening will easily be met.

That’s the beauty of a dictatorship!

This is great news for Manka Bros. because Yemen is a completely untapped market for Western-style entertainment. Bob Iger at Disney has been too busy concentrating on China to realize where the real money is. Loser. We will have the Yemen market to ourselves.

Now if we can only get a fucking movie that makes money we’ll really be on a roll.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

July 30, 2010May 3, 2011

Going To Chelsea Clinton’s Wedding

Allen & Company retreat, Anne Mulcahy, Ari Emanuel, Barbra Streisand, Barry Diller, Ben Silverman, Bill Bradley, Bill Clinton, Bob Iger, Bobby Kotick, Bowzer, Brian Grazer, Brian Roberts, Candice Bergen, Carol Bartz, Charlie Rose, Chase Carey, Chelsea Clinton, Chris Silbermann, Cory Booker, Denise Rich, Diane Von Furstenberg, Don Graham, DumbDumb, Electus, Eric Eisner, Eric Schmidt, Erin Burnett, George Bodenheimer, Gina Bianchini, Gordon Crawford, Haim Saban, Hank Vigil, Harvey Weinstein, Herb Allen, Herb Allen Sun Valley Conference, Herbert Allen, HIllary Clinton, Jane Fonda, Jean-Bernard Levy, Jeff Berg, Jeff Bewkes, Jeff Bezos, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jeffrey Immelt, Jerry Yang, Jim Berkus, Jim Gianopulos, Jim Robinson, John Donahue, Jon Miller, Jonathan Dolgen, Ken Auletta, Ken Chenault, Khan Manka, Lachlan Murdoch, Lady Gaga, Larry Page, Lee Ann Womack, Leslie Moonves, Lionel Barber, Lloyd Grohl, Manka Bros., Marc Andreessen, Marc Mezvinsky, Marissa Mayer, Mark Pincus, Mark Zuckerberg, Martin Sorrell, Mathias Dopfner, Michael Ovitz, Mike Bloomberg, Niall FitzGerald, Owen Van Natta, Patt Morrison, Peter Chernin, Phillippe Dauman, Rachael Ray, Reid Hoffman, Richard Parsons, Ricky Van Veen, Rob Wiesenthal, Robbie Bach, Robert L. Johnson, Ron Meyer, Rupert Murdoch, Sally Quinn, Sergey Brin, Sha Na Na, Sheryl Sandberg, Steve Burke, Steve Jobs, steven spielberg, Sun Valley Retreat, Sun Valley Retreat 2010, Ted Turner, Terry Semel, Tim Armstrong, Tom Freston, Tom Friedman, Tom Glocer, Tom Rothman, Ursula Burns, Vivi Nevo, Warren Buffett, World's Largest Media Company

UPDATE: Chelsea Clinton’s Wedding

I’m leaving the office for the weekend.

I’m going to Chelsea Clinton’s wedding in some God forsaken town called Rhinebeck, New York.

I don’t know where it is and I don’t know the address.

I was told I would be blindfolded once I touched down at Teterboro. I am then to be driven by Towncar to the site of the wedding. They say the blindfold can not be removed until I am safely inside the wedding house.

I’m really getting sick of going to these Presidential daughter weddings. Two years ago it was Jenna Bush, now it’s Chelsea. It just doesn’t stop. I have better things to do with my time.

Don’t get me wrong, Chelsea is a lovely girl and a very very warm person. I met her a few years ago when she interviewed for a summer intern position in the Manka Bros. Television Group. I don’t really remember why we turned her down. Some people just aren’t cut out for TV.

Anyway, because Lee Ann Womack has decided not to return my calls lately, I will be going stag to the wedding.

This will give me a chance to spend some quality time with my old friend (and drinking buddy) Ted Turner. He likes to drink Whiskey Sours and talk about Jane Fonda and I love to drink White Russians and hear about Jane Fonda. She was an early crush of mine ever since I saw Barbarella.

If anyone needs to reach me, they can’t. I’ll be inside a no cell phone, no internet, Level 8 security zone (whatever that means). If you want to get me a note, you’ll have to get through 4,000 Marines.

It’s literally more security than Herb Allen had at his Sun Valley Retreat – and we were a much more important that this crowd.

On the positive side, I’m excited to see Sha Na Na. I hear that’s the wedding band. That Bowzer really cracks me up.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

March 9, 2010May 5, 2011

Abu Dhabi Media Summit

Good afternoon from Yas Island – Abu Dhabi U.A.E.

I am dictating this blog from a mud bath in the giant purple Yas Hotel Spa Resort. Thanks to Stefania Bianchi and Nour Malas from the Wall Street Journal for taking this down and getting it to my office. I apologize for the smell.

When the U.A.E. ruler and prime minister Sheik Mohammed bin Rashid Al Maktoum called me over the weekend to see if I could come to speak at the Abu Dhabi Media Summit, I told him absolutely not. I was preparing for another disastrous night at the Oscars (in which Manka Bros. was shut out yet again!) and did not want to travel 10,000 miles (or whatever) to speak about Manka Bros.’ future in the Middle East.

As far as I’m concerned, there isn’t a future for Manka Bros. in the Middle East. Construction of our Manka Fun Park in Yemen has gotten off to a horrible start due to various terrorist acts in and around the park site, so optimism about the future is not something I’m feeling right now.

But, in a stunning coincidence, as I was speaking to the Sheik, Rupert Murdoch called from his airport and asked if I wanted to hitch a ride to Abu Dhabi on his jet (The Roger Ailes 1).

It’s hard to turn down Rupert – so here I am.

(Note: To Ethan Rubidoux, we’re stopping through Yemen on the way back to check on Manka Fun Park Yemen’s progress. Please triple my personal security and make sure Johnny Walker Blue is stocked in the mini-bar).

I will be speaking at the Abu Dhabi Media Conference tomorrow morning. It will most likely be a variation on my recent speech to the Davos World Economic Forum.

Rupert spoke tonight. He rambled on and on about freedom of the press in the Middle East (or some such bullshit).

Hey Rupert, from one freedom crusher to another – “Nice try.” Think the Sheik buy will that crap from the owner of Fox News?

Rupert was supposed to meet me here at the spa after his speech but I haven’t seen him yet. He has two hours blocked out for a chemical peel.

Later tonight, I’m meeting Eric Schmidt at the Noodle Box here at the hotel. He wanted to meet at the Wandering Camel Discoteque (something like that) but I had to take a pass. My knee has been f-ed up ever since I took a tumble down Whistler while at the Vancouver Olympics. Dancing until dawn is something I can’t really handle right now.

Eric wants Manka Bros. to go exclusive to the Google Android with our mobile content. I’m going to tell him the only way we would agree to that would be if he changed his name to Steve Jobs and changed his company name to Apple.

He won’t respond well to that. But I don’t respond well to others trying to push around The World’s Largest Media Company!

Here’s Rupert now (with Steve Ballmer – and three other guys carrying Steve’s stuff).

Wish me luck tomorrow. I just pray they let me leave the country after I destroy their delusions of creating a “New Media Paradise” in the middle of this miserable desert.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

January 28, 2010May 6, 2011

Davos World Economic Forum – Khan Manka, Jr. Keynote Address

[Manka Bros. Studios Chairman & CEO Khan Manka, Jr. gave a keynote address today at the Davos World Economic Forum in Switzerland. He wanted me to post a transcript of his speech for everyone at the studio to read. It is posted, unedited, below. — Vicky Adler-Modry – Senior Executive Assistant to Khan Manka, Jr.]

KHAN MANKA, JR. ADDRESSES THE 2010 DAVOS, SWITZERLAND WORLD ECONOMIC FORUM – JANUARY 28, 2010

Khan Manka, Jr.: Thank you very much President Sarkozy for that incredible introduction. I had no idea of the impact I and my company have had on you throughout your life. I was genuinely moved by your words. Give my love to your smoking hot wife.

[French President Nicolas Sarkozy embraces Khan Manka, Jr. and exits the stage.]

Khan Manka, Jr.: Thanks to the World Economic Forum Committee – or as I like to call them “The Drunken Dozen” – for choosing me to address this conference. It’s not often that an ex-hippie song plugger from the Laurel Canyon neighborhood of Los Angeles gets this kind of an opportunity. But it’s not often that a hippie song plugger from Laurel Canyon becomes the head of the World’s Largest Media Company. I can thank my bastard dad (legendary Hollywood mogul and Manka Bros. founding brother Harry Manka) for dying 35 years ago and sticking me with this suck ass job.

[Khan Manka, Jr. has to hold while the audience laughs uproariously.]

Khan Manka, Jr.: Let me get right to it. You bankers with your ski resort conferences and presentations looking for answers on what went wrong is such a joke to me.

[A few audible hisses and one very loud “bull shit” is heard from the crowd.]

Khan Manka, Jr.: Fuck you guys. The global economy is not a difficult thing to figure out. Make shit that people want to buy and sell it for a price that people can pay. There is a reason Manka Bros. is the World’s Largest Media Company. It’s simple. It’s because we are the biggest and we are not stupid. When Jimmy Cameron came to me and said he wanted to make a $400 million dollar movie about blue people set on a distant planet, I passed. No fucking way am I shooting a movie on another planet. It’s expensive enough in California!

[Silence.]

Khan Manka, Jr.: I then asked him if he had any teenage Frankenstein movies. Actually, he did. I’m happy to say Manka Bros. has started production on James Cameron’s “Frankie Stein” – for a budget that is almost half of what it cost to make “Avatar“. THAT’S good business. That’s why we’re still IN business.

[Silence.]

Khan Manka, Jr.: The media world is especially easy to figure out. Everybody is trying to come up with new business models, new gadgets, new ways for people to experience the crappy shit we all produce. Translation: We’ve got to exploit this horrible movie or TV series on multiple platforms so we can get our money back. MAKE GOOD CONTENT AND PEOPLE WILL BUY IT. If you want to stick it on an iPad or a Lieberscanner 3000, go right ahead. But first, find writers who can write, directors who can direct, actors who can act, and producers who can produce. Everything else will take care of itself.

[Applause and a few shouts of approval.]

Khan Manka, Jr.: You international bankers are a real freaky bunch. You love to find ways not to give me money for my movies. It’s not like you’re strapped for cash. You recovered and kept all that gold the Nazi’s stole, for Christ’s sake!

[There is gasp from the audience.]

Khan Manka, Jr.: But you’ll all be sorry. We’ve got a great film slate. I thought you idiots liked Will Ferrell. We’ve got three movies with him ready to go: “Gregory Lopez: Excellent Plumber”, “Ray Edwards: African Explorer”, and, my favorite, “Mud Jenkins: County Assessor”. We’re going to make billions with or without your precious money… that you stole!

[A red light flashes in Khan Manka, Jr.’s face.]

Khan Manka, Jr.: I’m being told to wrap it up. So I will end with these words from my Uncle – the great Khan Manka, Sr. – “Hollywood is a town where everybody is desperate for success and nearly everyone fails. But if you are a mogul and you make movies, you will get laid… a lot.” Thank you. I’ll be drinking tonight with the Money Honey at the Hotel Eden bar if anyone would like to come over and get drunk with me.

[Khan Manka, Jr. exits the stage.]

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company