Jeff Zucker – Page 2 – Chairman's Blog

October 25, 2013December 16, 2013

Old Media Fights Back

“Generation C” can suck it.

It’s time for Old Media to strike back against the bullshit that is “Generation C” and the power this group of slack-jawed dorks seems to have over the way we have done business for over 100 years!

Every goddamned meeting we have these days is focused on how we can reach these asshole kids who, frankly, could care less about what we do as long as we occasionally vomit out another “Iron Man” sequel.

Well, I think it’s time for the industry to say – fuck them – we’re going to do what we do best and the rest of the world is going to like it – like they used to… until about 10 years ago.

Probably when YouTube started.

Now all you read is story after story about teens cutting cords, “visionary” teens creating their own content and building their own empires. This cannot stand or we’ll all be out of business before the decade ends.

I’m spending more and more of my day seeing presentations about how we should buy this or that dumb ass YouTube channel or some other dumb ass OTT channel that gets 2 billions views a day for some unwatchable piece of shit that cost $2 dollars while our horrible TV networks get 2 million viewers for something that costs $2 million dollars.

Hollywood studios need to remember this – WE DECIDE WHO IS FAMOUS AND WE DECIDE WHO GETS TO PRODUCE CONTENT!

I’ve talked to Bob Iger, Rupert Murdoch, Jeff Bewkes, Brian Roberts and Sumner Redstone and we are all in agreement. Even Barry Diller agrees that things are getting out of control (and he considers himself a card carrying member of Generation C).

Content production is a precious commodity that must be under OUR control at all time. Chuck Lorre and Jerry Seinfeld will create our comedy. Aaron Sorkin and JJ Abrams will write our drama. Seamus and Tony Bennett will sing our songs. Alison Fogle and Nicolas Sparks will write our books. etc. etc. etc.

That’s just the way it has to be.

PewDiePie and his disruptive merry band of a-holes on YouTube must not be allowed to cross the border into Hollywood.

Let me be clear – our future sucks.

We can’t just keep throwing bigger and bigger budgets at our horrible horrible movies and TV shows and expect audiences will just bow down at our amazing lighting, acting and camera images.

My 14-year-old daughter, Connie (from whom I first heard the term “Generation C”), produces high quality videos that look just as good as anything on television and her camera cost $39.95.

No, the only option we have for our survival is to crush any new platforms and ideas created by this satanic Generation C. They are trying to destroy our impenetrable bubble. They WILL NOT destroy my lifestyle.

From this day forward, the new PewDiePie is I.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

October 8, 2013

MIPCOM 2013 – Khan Manka, Jr. Media Mastermind Keynote Address

[The following is an unedited transcript of Khan Manka, Jr.’s Media Mastermind interview at MIPCOM 2013. An edited transcript will be released to the press when appropriate.]

MIPCOM 2013 – KHAN MANKA, JR. MEDIA MASTERMIND KEYNOTE INTERVIEW

Katy Perry’s “Roar” plays as Khan Manka, Jr. makes his way to a chair opposite his interviewer – Ben Silverman.

Khan Manka, Jr. (KM): First of all, Ben, before we start, I’d like to say, Ryan Kavanaugh is an idiot.

Ben Silverman (BS): I mostly agree with that – but don’t you think he’s doing some interesting things at Relativity television?

KM: If by ‘interesting things’ you mean ‘really suck ass crappy shit,’ then, yes, he is doing some interesting things. Is that drink mine?

BS: I think so – mine is this one – the gin fizz…

KM: OK – let’s explore Kavanaugh’s business philosophy.

(KM takes a large gulp from his cocktail.)

KM: Ryan Kavanaugh makes a lot of horrible movies and his model is to spin movie shit into TV gold. Fine, that can work. Worked with “Buffy,” we’ve had a couple of successes that way – “Norway 10” comes to mind. But Ryan Kavanaugh is an idiot and his strategy sucks because he appears to be calling himself a genius because of it. A real genius wouldn’t consistently make all that crap. I mean, we’re talking about an unbelievably high volume of really shitty stuff here.

BS: Language.

KM: Right right – (calling out) sorry, Luc! I was told by the MIPCOM guy, Luc, before the interview to watch my language. Executives from the Children’s Television Workshop are in the audience today.

BS: In Ryan’s defense, as long as the buyers are buying – you have to try to sell. Even if you know you have a bad show.

KM: You know all about that, right, Ben? “Mob Wives,” seriously? When you cancel that you’re going to get a bullet through the eye.

BS: It’s all about pushing the envelope.

KM: Yeah? OK – I’ve got a show for you. It’s called “Celebrity Beatdown” – every week you get some low life thugs and have them stalk and beat up a beloved celebrity. Next week, we kick the shit out of Tom Hanks.

(There are some ‘boos’ from the crowd.)

KM: Wait – wait. But imagine the ratings – every week another huge unsuspecting celebrity gets a beat down from some thug – and you can export that format, too. Next week we kick the shit out of Gerard Depardieu.

(There is some applause from the crowd.)

BS: I know you’re joking – but I like that idea. Women, too?

KM: Sure, why not? Didn’t you produce ‘Foxy Boxing?‘

BS: That wasn’t me, but I did watch the show. Some of those chicks could really punch.

KM: (to the audience) – And just like that, another billion dollar franchise.

(Applause.)

BS: You gave a keynote address last year here at MIPCOM (and, I also gave one three years ago when I launched Electus). Have things changed much since then? Where do you think the television business is heading?

KM: Definitely not where we want it to go – that’s for goddamned sure. Most studio heads and executives want things to be 1979 again. Four networks – huge ratings and we controlled the entertainment that the world saw. Now, WE still live in that world but the audience doesn’t. And nobody really works anymore – they just have meetings all day long. Because it’s really bullshit what entertainment executives do. We come up with crap ideas and then have a support team around us to tell us how great the ideas are. And very few people get fired for sucking.

(KM takes another drink. BS gets refills.)

KM: “Celebrity Diving?” Did that one come like a thunder bolt to some guy like Einstein’s Theory? Hey, I just thought up another show – “Celebrity Tennis!” Wait – another one is coming… “Celebrity Bowling!” Or better yet – the Duck Dynasty guys have a spin-off show where they join a bowling league and they bowl once a week! I’ll call it “Duck Bowling.” And then we can have “Celebrity Duck Bowling” where the Duck Dynasty guys bowl against celebrities with movies coming out the next weekend.

BS: I like it. Now you’re thinking like a global programmer.

KM: And, in conclusion, if I had a gun, I would blow my brains out. Don’t people realize that we are the reason Hollywood isn’t glamorous anymore. We are the reason young people could care less about the products we put out. We turn plumbers into heroes and celebrities into morons. And while that may be true, it’s not what we are trying to do. Hollywood is ruined and the damage is irreparable. Any questions?

(There were several questions about Manka Bros. television shows that have failed in the last year and the studio’s inability to launch any new franchises and whether James Schamus or Adam Fogelson have accepted the job offer from Manka Bros. [not yet] – but those were not recorded for this transcript.)

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

October 2, 2013October 2, 2013

Manka Bros. Would Like To Offer James Schamus A Job

Good evening from Paris!

I’m here to receive an Award from a French film society for all the Joey Levitch movies Manka Bros. produced over the past 50 years. Holy shit do they love Joey Levitch over here!

I’m also prepping for a keynote address I’m giving next week at MIPCOM in Cannes. I’m thinking of calling the speech “How Did We Fuck It Up?”

But I digresss… and I am drunk.

I see the idiots over at Comcast NBC Universal Procter & Gamble GlaxoSmithKline have fired James Schamus.

Good move, boneheads. Jimmy Schamus is a class act and this move signals nothing to me other than a plan to completely get out of the specialty business.

Like I said, good move, boneheads. It is possible to make a lot of fucking money without spending a lot of fucking money, morons. Make good movies and audiences will go – period.

I know Universal has been terrible ever since Steven Spielberg left but why are you working so hard to make it worse?

As I said, I am currently drunk, so the following offer is not binding – but Manka Bros. would like to offer the fantastic James Schamus a job.

We have many excellent, award-winning film labels at Manka Bros. – including Manka Bros. Films, Manka Highbrow, Manka Dogme, Manka Docs, Manka Shorts and the coming soon Manka Mumblecore (really excited about that one even though I don’t understand what it is).

If you’re tired of working in the movie business, maybe you could take a whack at our Theme Park business. We’re having some real issues with our Manka Fun Park in Yemen.

Anyway, I’m going to pass out now.

James, please accept or deny this offer with my assistant, Vicky Adler-Modry.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

June 25, 2013August 27, 2015

Manka Bros. Changes Management Structure

Allen & Company retreat, Anne Mulcahy, Ari Emanuel, Barry Diller, Ben Silverman, Bob Iger, Bobby Kotick, Carol Bartz, Charlie Rose, Cory Booker, DumbDumb, Electus, Eric Schmidt, Erin Burnett, Gina Bianchini, Harvey Weinstein, Herb Allen, Herb Allen Sun Valley Conference, Herbert Allen, Jean-Bernard Levy, Jeff Bewkes, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jeffrey Immelt, Jerry Yang, John Donahue, Ken Auletta, Khan Manka, Lachlan Murdoch, Lady Gaga, Leslie Moonves, Lionel Barber, Lloyd Grohl, Manka Bros., Marc Andreessen, Marissa Mayer, Mark Pincus, Mark Zuckerberg, Martin Sorrell, Mathias Dopfner, Mike Bloomberg, Niall FitzGerald, Peter Chernin, Phillippe Dauman, Reid Hoffman, Richard Parsons, Ricky Van Veen, Rob Wiesenthal, Robert L. Johnson, Ron Meyer, Rupert Murdoch, Sergey Brin, Sheryl Sandberg, Steve Jobs, Sun Valley Retreat, Sun Valley Retreat 2010, Terry Semel, Tom Freston, Tom Friedman, Ursula Burns, Vivi Nevo, Warren Buffett, World's Largest Media Company, Rupert Murdoch, Jose Maria Aznar, natalie Bancroft, Peter Barnes, Chase Carey, Kenneth Cowley, David DeVoe, Viet Dinh, Rod Eddington, Joel Klein, Andrew S.B. Knight, James Murdoch, Lachlan Murdoch, Thomas Perkins, Arthur Siskind, John Thornton, Stanley Shuman, Rebekah Brooks, Les Hinton, Teri Everett, jack Horner, Julie Henderson, Reed Nolte, Roger Ailes, Janet Nova, John Nallen, Beryl Cook, Michael Regan, Genie Gavenchak, Brian Lewis, Irena Briganti, Dan Berger, Rosabel Tao, Steven Rubenstein, Suzanne Halpin, Elisabeth Murdoch, Wendi Deng Murdoch

Good afternoon.

Following a disastrous staff meeting with a roomful of idiots posing as my senior management team, I have decided to make a few changes to the organizational structure of Manka Bros.

Previously, all of the division heads – Robin Rafe (Theatrical), Jay McBee (Television), Emily Sachs (Music), Cyrus Weinstein (Publishing), Ethan Rubidioux (Consumer Products, Broadway, Sports, Fun Parks, Kids and Digital) as well as COO Lloyd Grohl and CFO David Chang – reported directly to me.

That’s all changing.

As of today, I will have NO DIRECT REPORTS. I seriously don’t want to talk to any of you if I don’t have to.

Going forward, I am going to write down certain tasks (on color coordinated index cards) that you must complete (i.e., which films, TV shows, books, music, etc. should be greenlit and what should be passed on – as well as all the other day-to-day business that may come up).

My assistant, Vicky Adler-Modry, will pin the cards to a bulletin board in the foyer outside of my office suite.

You may check the board throughout the day and if there is a task for you on it – you must complete it.

Write back the results or any issues that may come up on the card and I may or may not read it.

The matching of color and executive has yet to be determined – I am planning to meditate on that this afternoon. I’ll have the final colors posted within 30 days.

You may not get the color you are hoping – be open-minded.

I think this new structure will save me a lot of time and aggravation as I don’t wish to see any of you people that much anymore.

But that’s not all…

I have also decided to adjust the organizational structure of my household as follows:

My daughter (and Manka Bros. Board Member), Connie, will continue to report directly to me but only on nights and weekends.

During the day she will have a dual report to our housekeeper Lily and house manager Jerome.

My housekeeper Lily will continue to report to Jerome who will continue to report to me (but may not directly address me unless I address him first).

My driver Fernando will now report to Lily (and no longer to me).

My dog, Caesar, will have a dual report to Connie and Lily.

My ex-wives will continue to report to my lawyer.

That’s it for now.

I believe this new structure will help me to avoid contact with my senior management team and thus I will avoid having to hear all of the mind-numbingly dumb ideas that come out of their mouths.

Thanks.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

June 13, 2013June 13, 2013

Rupert Murdoch’s Divorce

A fellow mogul is in pain today.

Last night, I received a private TWEET from Rupert Murdoch – that after months of agonizing separation, he was filing for divorce from his wife Wendi Deng.

Even though I couldn’t hear his voice, I could tell he was crying.

I’ve known Rupert for many many years. More years that his third wife has been alive.

Yet, I always knew, even before she was born, that Wendi Deng Murdoch was the person for him.

It’s none of our business why someone else’s marriage ends.

I do know that if the marriage of Rupert Murdoch and Wendi Deng Murdoch can’t survive – there isn’t much hope for anyone else.

They were ideal for each other.

Equals in intellect.

She was beautiful.

He was rich.

In my world, this is the perfect match.

And while we all cry a bit today for Rupert, we can bravely dry those tears tomorrow because Rupert will land on his feet.

He didn’t tell me why the marriage fell apart. There must have been something in those years of wire tapping her phone that became the final straw.

Chin up, Rupe, I’ll be here whenever you need a friend.

I’ll see you at Sun Valley. I’ll save you ONE STOOL at the bar.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

(dictated – not read)

Other Blogs about Rupert Murdoch:

In Defense Of Rupert Murdoch

Rupert Murdoch’s Special Charity

Book Club Meeting On Rupert Murdoch’s Boat

Rupert Murdoch and Sumner Redstone

Blogs About Wendi Deng Murdoch:

The Woman Who Saved News Corp. (OnMedea)

June 3, 2013

Manka Bros Would Like To Offer Nikki Finke A Job

Allen & Company retreat, Ari Emanuel, Barry Diller, Ben Silverman, Bob Iger, Carol Bartz, DumbDumb, Electus, Eric Schmidt, Gina Bianchini, Herb Allen, Herb Allen Sun Valley Conference, Herbert Allen, Jeff Bewkes, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jeffrey Immelt, Jerry Yang, Khan Manka, Lady Gaga, Leslie Moonves, Lloyd Grohl, Manka Bros., Marissa Mayer, Mark Pincus, Mark Zuckerberg, Peter Chernin, Phillippe Dauman, Reid Hoffman, Richard Parsons, Ricky Van Veen, Rupert Murdoch, Sergey Brin, Sheryl Sandberg, Steve Jobs, Sun Valley Retreat, Sun Valley Retreat 2010, Terry Semel, World's Largest Media Company, Chase Carey, James Murdoch, Elisabeth Murdoch, Lachlan Murdoch, Jim Gianopulos, Joel Klein, Jon Miller, Steve Burke, Michael Angelakis, Leslie Moonves, Philippe Dauman, Jeff Bewkes, John Martin, Howard Stringer, Rob Wiesenthal, Michael Lynton, John Malone, Greg Maffei, Haim Saban, David Zaslav, John Hendricks, Mike White, Edgar Bronfman, Len Blavatnik, Tim Armstrong, Peter Chernin, Tom Freston, Carol Bartz, Jerry Yang, Mark Pincus, Owen Van Natta, Brian Roberts, Jason Kilar, Wayne Willich, Reid Hoffman, Harvey Weinstein, Diane Von Furstenberg, Andrew Mason, Jason Kilar, Ben Horowitz, Gina Bianchini, Mark Pincus, Ali Pincus, Robert Wiesenthal, Tom Freston, Bing Gordon, Bill Gates, Chris Christie, Martin Sorrell, Eric Lefkofsky, Oprah Winfrey, Jeff Bezos, Tim Cook, Cory Booker, Michael Bloomberg, Joel Klein, Lachlan Murdoch, James Murdoch, Bobby Kotick, Marc Andreessen, Peter Thiel, Dick Costolo, Ross Levinsoh, Paul Sagan, Leslie Moonves, Tim Armstrong, Glenn Britt, Donald Graham, Kazuo Hirai, Howard Stringer, Jae-Yong Lee, Bryan Lourd, Ron Meyer, Brad Grey, Edmund Lee, Anthony Palazzo, John Malone, Chris Silbermann, Jim Berkus, Roger Goodell, David Stern, Chris Christie, Julius Genachowski, Erin Burnett, Charlie Rose, Becky Quick, Todd Davidson, Reed Hastings, Terry Semel, Jerry Yang, Ken Allen, Laurene Powell Jobs, Jean-Bernard Levy, Lucian Grainge, Jonathan Boyar, Mark Pincus, Michael Lynton, Mandy Tavakol, Mario Monti, Dave DeVoe, John Martin, Brian Roberts, David Zaslav, Mel Karmazin, Carol Bartz, Scott Thompson, Jason Kilar, King Abdullah II, Queen Rania, Queen Noor, #sv12, #Sunvalley2012, #allenco, Robert Johnson, Anne Sweeney, Brian Grazer, Michael Ovitz, Hiroshi Mikitani, Owen Van Natta, Don Mattrick, Nikki Finke, Sharon Waxman, Jay Penske, Deadline Hollywood

Good morning from my house in the Seychelles.

A few of us are having a great night drinking schnapps and eating crab. I won’t name names for security reasons but their initials are DM, RM, BD, JB, CC – you figure it out.

I just received my daily fax of important Hollywood internet stories from my assistant, Vicky Adler-Modry, and noticed that apparently Nikki Finke was fired from Deadline Hollywood.

I didn’t even realize that was possible – basically the equivalent of me getting fired from Manka Bros. We all know this is an impossible thing. It would take gunfire and a hostage situation to remove me from my post and that wouldn’t be legal – so I guess nothing could get me out.

[Goddamnit, Barry Diller just fucking spilled watermelon schnapps on my white carpet! But I digress…]

Let me get right to the point and I’ll speak directly to Nikki as I write:

Manka Bros. would like to offer you, Nikki Finke, a job – doing pretty much whatever you would like. If you’ve seen our numbers lately, we need help in most areas of the business.

If you would like to start a cut-throat-destroy-someone’s-life-type blog like you are currently running – that would be fine.

If you would like to work as a partner with our own in-house cut-throat-destroy-someone’s-life-type-blog – OnMedea – that would be fine as well. She would love the help.

If you would like to run our Theatrical Group – that would be fine, too. Robin Rafe has really been sucking lately and needs to be replaced at some point (off the record).

Or just pick something off our Jobs board – we’ve got a few great openings right now.

So, think about it, Nikki – Manka Bros. is one place you will never be fired from (unless you write about me or my family). Call my assistant at the studio, Vicky Adler-Modry (or just Friend her on Facebook).

I have to get back to karaoake – Rupert’s about to sing “MacArthur Park” – (never to be missed).

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

April 22, 2013

The Last Hollywood Mogul Is… Me

With the upcoming death of Sumner Redstone (any day now based on how he looked in recent photos) and the increasing dementia of Rupert Murdoch, it’s clear there is soon to be only one true Hollywood mogul remaining.

And that is me.

As with the “Last of the Mohicans,” moguls in Hollywood used to be a large tribe.

Brothers from Poland and Bulgaria and Kansas City and New York, etc. etc. – all coming to Hollywood with a dream and the sociopathic guts to do whatever it took to succeed (and a whole lot of luck).

Jill Kennedy – a writer for the Manka Bros.’ business blog OnMedea – wrote that 2013 is Endgame for Moguls. She’s absolutely right.

It’s the end of a great and powerful era.

When Sumner Redstone dies (I’m gonna say by mid-summer) and hundreds of people are forced to go to that funeral (who would will willingly want to go unless they’re trying to pitch some new idea to Brad Grey) it will be down to me and Rupert.

And we all know Rupert is certifiably insane – so he doesn’t count anymore.

I don’t even want to hear arguments about Spielberg and Katzenberg and Geffen being moguls. They tried. They failed. Next.

Harvey Weinstein? [spit take]

Many may say I don’t deserve to be called a mogul because I wasn’t a founder of the company and didn’t build it from scratch. In fact, I was given the job of Chairman and CEO right out of high school after my father died. I didn’t even want the job. I was very happy in my band, King Khan. We were awesome and on our way.

But I took the job and built Manka Bros. into the global media powerhouse it is today.

In 1976, when I took over – the company didn’t even have its own plane or free food and car allowances for senior management. I took care of that immediately.

Without that shit, we would have had no chance to land a super executive like Lloyd Grohl to run operations.

I only hope that I live another 40-50 years so that those who are young now at least have a small idea of how great things used to be when, like mafia families, studio heads would be willing to kill in order come out on top.

The FBI has a file cabinet full of all the things my father and uncles did in order to survive in early Hollywood. (The FBI needed an entire warehouse to store the files on Louis B. Mayer!)

Those days are gone and things are very passive-aggressive and “nice” in Hollywood. On the outside, everyone appears to be happy for everyone else’s success while they all kill themselves on the inside.

And that’s bullshit, man.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

March 13, 2013March 28, 2016

Yemen Theme Park – 2013 Update

Good morning.

I am back from the hellhole that was Austin, Texas and the that waste of time known as SXSW.

If there was any positive that came out of my keynote address it was that my security guard kicked the Foo Fighters’ asses. Truly the only enjoyable moment of my trip.

This morning, I received an urgent phone call from the new President of Yemen – Adb Rabbuh Mansur Hadi (spell check didn’t get any one of those right). He said things were going very badly at the Manka Fun Park Yemen site.

In fact, he said he believed that several parts of the park which are still under construction are being used as Al-Qaeda training facilities.

My response to him was “Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!”

This park has been a disaster ever since we broke ground five years ago.

(My updates over the years – here and here – give further details to this mess.)

March 13, 2008 was a glorious day in our quest to expand the Manka Bros. brand to the Middle East.

On the advice of Ethan Rubidoux (President of Consumer Products, Manka Sports, Broadway Manka, Theme Parks and Digital Distribution), we decided NOT to pursue a golden opportunity in Abu Dhabi in which we would have receive full funding for the Manka Fun Park ($1 billion) as well as a generous license fee for our IP going forward.

Mr. Rubidoux explained to me that every studio was building a park in either Abu Dhabi or Dubai and if we were to go it alone in a undeveloped country like Yemen, we would own the market.

While it is true that there isn’t another theme park in Yemen, there is also such negatives as terrorist breeding grounds, a brewing civil war, not many paved roads, a bombed out shell of an airport, etc. etc.

After my phone call with President blah blah blah, I looked back on the file of the project at the beginning and found this fax (below) that I sent from my room at the San’a Nights Hotel.

If there was ever a red flag at the beginning of a project, this was it.

Building a Manka Fun Park in Yemen has been a nightmare from the very beginning.

But we are already $1 billion dollars into construction and can only hope that things improve over the next few months.

President Abd Rubbuh Mansur Hadi has assured me that construction will continue once U.S. drones bomb the terrorist training grounds (near what was supposed to be the Camel Hump Roller Terror in 3D).

He has also assured me that road construction to the park will start eventually.

That’s where it stands. A total horrific failure.

Next time, no one is allowed to change my mind.

But I am not going to fire Ethan Rubidoux. I am just going to give him another awful division to run – he is now also President of our Anti-Piracy Group.

Good luck with that one, Ethan!

For further background on how this fucking project ever received a greenlight, here is a portion of a presentation Lloyd Grohl gave to the Merrill Lynch Mediatainment Conference a few years back.

Why no one under me was smart enough to stop this Titanic of a disaster from happening, I’ll never know.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

March 12, 2013March 5, 2014

A Waste Of Time – SXSW Keynote Address – Khan Manka, Jr.

[The following is an unedited transcript of the keynote address to the SXSW Festival by Manka Bros. Chairman & CEO Khan Manka, Jr.]

March 12, 2013 – Austin Convention Center – Ballroom G

[Khan Manka, Jr. approaches a podium…]

Khan Manka, Jr.: Uh… Dave Grohl was supposed to introduce me – calm down, you idiots… Dave Grohl was supposed to introduce me but apparently he couldn’t pull himself away from the HTML5 panel “Making Your Band Much Cooler By Not Using Flash!”

[There are a few “HTML5 rocks” – and “Yeah!”]

Khan Manka, Jr.: That was a joke, jerk-offs. Whatever. I don’t really have much to say. I’ve been told to calm down on my speeches. The last few times I’ve given a keynote to one of these ridiculous events they ended in chaos. MIPCOM, Davos, Sun Valley, Bilderberg, CES, Comic-Con – even a commencement address at Beverly Hills High School went horribly wrong. So, on the order of my doctors, I’m going to keep things pretty calm. Can we just go to the first slide, please?

[FIRST SLIDE: Image – Manka Bros. Studios lot circa 1918.]

Khan Manka, Jr.: I normally don’t like to do slides but I was asked to stay on message – so this is the best way. Manka Bros. is celebrating its 101st anniversary this year. Based on size, it is the world’s largest media company. It is also the world’s oldest movie studio. Don’t let last year’s Universal and Paramount 100th Anniversary logos fool you – they are lying. They weren’t really incorporated in 1912 – only Manka Bros. was. Universal and Paramount were nothing but cross-breeding dairy farms in 1912. You can Wikipedia that shit if you want.

[Silence.]

Khan Manka, Jr.: I can see you’re already glazing over. It’s tough when you go from what used to be a pretty fun movies/music/interactive festival where everyone was drunk and eating barbecue – to today where you stare at a comic on a Samsung crap-ass phone in the Verizon Celebrity Douche Lounge while you collect a bunch of crap in a biodegradable bag that will sit in a closet in your house untouched until you eventually throw it away.

[The audiences is more audible. More fidgeting noises.]

Khan Manka, Jr.: Don’t get me wrong. It’s a great life you have – you’re all self-proclaimed hipsters, you go from festival to festival like modern day Deadheads. Why live life when you can go to arts festivals and talk about the life you will lead once you get home from the festival? But, of course, you never get home – or if you do, it’s just to recover until the next festival. It’s a great fucking life.

[A guy in a suit approaches Khan and whispers something in his ear.]

Khan Manka, Jr.: OK OK OK. I’ve been told by my handlers to get back on message. Jump past the historical slides and get to the meat.

[Another slide reads: The Digital Transition]

Khan Manka, Jr.: The single most important issue in Hollywood these days is the digital transition. Basically, we need you assholes to buy digital movies. Stop buying DVDs – stop using Redbox! Re-purchase your entire movie collection from the cloud. Get it? If you don’t, we’re in deep shit. Do you want the movie studios to go out of business, you fuckers?! It’s really the only thing you aspire to – a real movie deal from a real movie studio. You’re lying if you say you just want to make “important” little digital movies on a iPad that the studios don’t have the balls to make. So buy digital movies to keep your pathetic dreams alive. Capische?

[Dave Grohl arrives. The crowd goes crazy.]

Khan Manka, Jr.: Well well well – look who decided to show up? Hey, Dave, could you go back to 2003 and introduce me when you were interesting?

[Dave Grohl lunges at Khan Manka, Jr. A Security Guard smacks Grohl easily to the ground. He starts to cry like a toddler. That blonde, skinny drummer guy runs up to assist Grohl. He attacks Khan Manka, Jr. as well – but the Security Guard backhands him to the floor. The crowd turns on Khan Manka, Jr. – throwing officially licensed tchotchkes at the stage.]

Khan Manka, Jr.: Those were the only hits the Foo Fighters have had in a while, right? Am I fucking right, you morons?

[With that, Khan Manka, Jr. is ushered off the stage.]

[END OF TRANSCRIPT]

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

December 6, 2012December 6, 2012

Manka Bros. Holiday Party Canceled

Due to the uncertainty of the fiscal cliff, the fact that my taxes are going up, the shitty year Manka Bros. has had at the box office, the crappy television shows that were produced for our horrible television networks, declining music sales and the frightening losses in our Publishing Group, I have decided to cancel the 2012 Manka Bros. Employee Holiday Party that was to be held at the Nokia Theater and the other surrounding L.A. Live venues and restaurants.

I have requested L.A. Live management to return our substantial deposit.

I know many of you were looking forward to seeing One Direction, Lady Antebellum and Seamus (who also must return their deposits). Too bad.

If you are better at your jobs next year, maybe we’ll try something like this again. (However, if one of the overpaid executives at the studio would like to pay for it out of his or her own pocket, then I won’t stop you – in fact, I’ll even come and drink all the $100 shots of tequila I can handle).

But this being the season of giving, I don’t want you to get absolutely nothing from your employer for the Holidays – so for the next week, the Cafeteria is offering 10% off one slice of pizza.

Have a drunk but safe Holiday season and let’s make 2013 a year that doesn’t suck.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company