Lady Gaga – Page 2 – Chairman's Blog

July 18, 2012July 18, 2012

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2012 – Day 3 – The Future

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Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2012

Over the past few days, I have received several emails saying “Come on, Khan, you goddamned prick – where is your fucking write-up of Day 3 of the Herb Allen suckfest?

Well, Michael Eisner, here it is, asshole. Read it and weep. Your business is fucked.

And stop driving by my house – you’re creeping out my daughter.

Day 3 – The Future

I was initially thinking of having a nice sunrise picture to symbolize the optimism I have for the future of the big media companies. Instead, I chose the picture of a tornado with lightning. I think that is more accurate.

This is my last full day in Sun Valley and instead of participating in endless, pointless panels on how the future will include selling our library content to galactic markets outside of Earth, I decided to go The Drankin Hole (aka The Duchin Lounge) and hang with my only true friend at the conference – bartender Bin Tran.

Tomorrow, I have to go to another pointless conference – Comic-Con. I gave a keynote speech there a couple years ago and now I’m returning to premiere footage from a Holocaust movie we have coming out and to sit on a Future of Publishing panel with, most likely, people dressed as Wookiees.

I grabbed a handful of bacon at Herbie’s House of Slop (the affectionate name given to the morning hangover breakfast that is served) and headed to the bar.

Bin Tran was either just getting to work or just finishing up his nightly shift (since Marc Andreessen and John Malone were still there in their clothes from last night, I’m betting on the latter).

Brian Grazer was the only other person in the bar – just sitting in a corner and crying into his phone.

I sat at the far end of the bar, away from everyone.

Bin Tran set me up with a dirty martini and a shot of Tabasco to shake out the cobwebs from yesterday’s Acid Trip.

We had a conversation.

Khan Manka, Jr. (KM): Bin, what do you do for entertainment?

Bin Tran (BT): Me, Mr. Khan? I watch a Vietnamese channel out of Boise. Mostly game shows and singing shows with comedy. I also like ‘Modern Family.’

KM: You know all of us here at the conference? We control how most of the world spends their leisure time. Either through movies, television, games, books, magazines, newspapers, sports… it’s all managed by the people at this hotel. And none of us knows what the fuck to do about the future.

BT: My kids like the ‘Batman’ movies. Did you make the ‘Batman’ movies?

KM: No. We have ‘Captain Stoppo’ coming next year if fucking Cormac McCarthy can finish a fucking script in this lifetime.

BT: Oh… you should make ‘Batman’ movies.

KM: Yeah.

I gulped down my drink and pushed the glass out for more.

The next morning, I was carried by the Sun Valley Guard (in their shocking orange pants) to a limo and then to my plane.

I didn’t really learn much this week about the future or how my company will navigate what is coming other than… we need to make ‘Batman’ movies.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

July 12, 2012July 3, 2013

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2012 – Day 2 – The Acid Trip

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2012

Day 1 – Day 2 – Day 3

————————-

“One pill makes you larger

And one pill makes you small

And the ones that mother gives you

Don’t do anything at all

Go ask Alice, when she’s ten feet tall.”

Yeah… so that was the song that woke us all up this morning – ‘White Rabbit’ by Jefferson Airplane.

I definitely prefer to wake up to a song like that than the horrible ‘Dawn of the Mogul’ written by Michael Eisner.

I don’t remember getting back to my room last night. Michael Ovitz and I were pounding Slivovitz shots (at one low point he said he was going to change his name to Sliv Ovitz) and arguing about modern art. I believe I won the argument – it IS a bunch of crap. I also told him I had no interest in buying any art from his collection so that he could pay his utility bills.

Getting angrier and angrier, Ovitz disagreed with my blog yesterday. He said I was throwing old media under the bus. I told him I would throw him under the bus. He stood up (I think) and made a few awkward Kung Fu poses and facial contortions and threatened to kick my ass.

Bob Iger leaned over from the next stool and placed a hand on his shoulder. Ovitz sat down, did a shot, and that was the end of that.

But let me get back to this morning because this is a significant day in the history of the world (no platitudes, seriously).

Because today was the day Herbert A. Allen, Jr. convinced some of the greatest minds in the world of business to drop acid.

It’s no secret that nearly everyone that is attending this Conference has read the Steve Jobs book by Walter Isaacson.

How do I know that? Because now, everyone is calling themselves “artists” and the products they produce is now “art.” And they’re also calling everyone else’s ideas “shit” and “I think that new product is shit” and “Is that what you’re wearing, because I think it looks like shit.”

“Shit” is the 2012 buzzword of the Conference.

It’s also no secret that Steve Jobs was a big fan of LSD and believes that his creativity stems from the years he spent doing it. He even went through a phase where he didn’t even want to hire anyone who hadn’t done it.

So Herb wanted to see what all the fuss was about.

Me, personally, I was the son of a legendary movie mogul and a Hollywood brat. Needless to say, I’ve dropped acid many, many times.

I was also a Deadhead for a couple of years during my sabbatical from the studio in the late 1980s (127 shows!) and really the only creativity I got out of it was finding new and different angles to stare at my hand. (I also thought up a couple of movie ideas with monkeys that we eventually made at the studio. One included a monkey becoming Pope – by accident! It was – and still is – hilarious. And one day we will make that movie!)

Anyway… we all assembled in the Great Hall of the Moguls (The Limelight Ballroom). Nearly everyone stood or sat in complete confusion – totally dazed from the night before. Anne Sweeney was definitely not doing well.

Herb Allen, wearing a fringe jacket and Sonny Bono-type fur boots circa 1970, entered the room holding a round glass container with a lid.

I’m getting long winded here, so let me just say that after many (MANY) protestations (especially from Warren Buffet and Jordan’s King Abdullah II), we all stuck out our tongues and, per Herb’s instructions (from Wikipedia) we let the tab of acid dissolve in our mouths a bit and then swallowed.

While we waited for the effects to kick in, there was panel discussion on digital diversity moderated by Charlie Rose.

After a while, as people started to emit strange sounds and have visible facial ticks, some ground rules were laid out.

Hotel security, photographers, press and any hangers on were removed from the property for the next several hours. Herb told us to explore every inch of the space and to let our minds go.

In two hours, we would be rounded up and brought back so that we could brainstorm.

The goal was to come up with ten new ideas – ideas that could change the world or change our business.

The first thing that I decided to do was to follow that small rainbow pig into the coat check closet. I think it must have come from the surrounding mountains.

After a half hour in the closet, I came out – not really sure why I went in the closet.

There was just way too much going on in the room to accurately put it down here. Some highlights that I observed:

Mark Zuckerberg was sprawled on the floor. He was pleading – sweating profusely – “Help me! I’m not really Spider-Man! These suction cups are losing their suck! I’m sliding down this building! Help!”

Rupert Murdoch was trying to pull the yellow out of the carpet and saying over and over again – “It’s not working. I don’t feel anything.”

Barry Diller was laying under a table, happily drawing a series of self-portraits (see right).

Bob Iger came up to me: “Do you think people on this drug would enjoy the ‘Main Street Electrical Parade’? Perhaps we could sell it at the parks to enhance their enjoyment. I told him that if he didn’t take off his Bob Iger mask I would take it off for him.

Viacom CEO Philippe Dauman approached, holding a piece of broken glass – his arm a bit bloody: “There are some musical instruments in the corner over there. I think we should set them up and play ‘Smoke On The Water.’ I know the chords.”

For the next hour we attempted to plug in a keyboard but constantly got sidetracked by the sheer ingenuity of the keyboard plug.

I could go on and on and on – and maybe one day I’ll write a full book form version – but for now, after a few hours, here are the 10 ideas the roomful of moguls came up with (directly taken off the white board):

1. Sell movies and TV shows on the Internet. (subnote: Seriously this time!)

2. Film is so much more beautiful than digital but profit margins are shit so fuck it (subnote: “I could totally swim to Catalina” signed “Brian Roberts”).

3. If NASA could figure out how to get the Mars Rover onto Mars, WE should be able to get something onto at least Saturn.

4. Why do we need birds and how do we solve that problem?

5. Sinbad was a funny comic at one time but he just didn’t crossover to be a movie star.

6. $10 million dollars is nothing. We’re talking about my house here. If the marble is not right then back to fucking Italy it goes. (subnote: You people are idiots!)

7. We should change the word “palindrome” to an actual word that is a palindrome.

8. Instead of telling people when our shows are on television, why don’t we tell them to fuck off instead? (That one got a big laugh.)

9. Maybe we should transition back to analog. Life was better then. (Added underneath: “SAYS YOUR MOM!” – signed “Zuckerberg”)

10. England Dan & John Ford Coley were so much better than Hall & Oates, they just didn’t have the management.

————————————

As I dictate this to my assistant, hours later, the effects have pretty much worn off. Though I still need to get these Barry Diller tattoos or whatever they are off my legs, then I am going to nap, shower and join everyone for dinner and drinks.

I’m glad I came. Tomorrow should be fun.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

July 10, 2012July 1, 2015

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2012 – Day 1 – Disappearing Mogul

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2012

Day 1 – Day 2 – Day 3

“The sun was warmer then.”

This may be the last year I come here.

If I was looking for a complete waste of time, I would have gone back to Comic-Con.

You know the world is f-ed when you realize you are sitting in a ballroom with many of the world’s most powerful men (and WOMAN) in media and politics and the main topic of conversation is the temperature in the room.

Half of the room is wearing comfortable summer clothes (short sleeve shirts accentuating the effects of personal trainers) and the other half is wearing sweaters and badgering the wait staff to ‘turn up the Goddamned heat!’

It’s mostly generational (young = muscle shirt; old = sweater) with the exception of Bob Iger – but he’ll age and get fat one day (and it won’t be pretty).

I have two questions as Herb Allen’s 2012 Conference gets under way: How long will we have to endure pointless PowerPoint presentations about bullshit made-up research and how soon can we get to the bar? (I have a feeling these are also Oprah’s questions.)

I am, however, very excited that the Prime Minister of Italy (Mario Monti) is here and can’t wait to get a taste of his private wine stash (I heard he brought his own booze in a giant steamer trunk).

I’ve told bartender virtuoso Bin Tran to swap out the wine of one of Mr. Monti’s prized bottles with California’s own Two Buck Chuck. I’ll try to take a video of his reaction – see if I can make Herb’s end-of-conference blooper reel (which is always dominated by Jeffrey Katzenberg and his animal calls).

So, on the fun side, there should be a few highlights.

On the business side, it’s Goddamned depressing.

I look around the room at my friends and see nothing but old white men – men who were once powerful but now frail.

And I’m one of them, I fear.

“Disruption” is a current buzz word in the media business but everyone should remember, my old mogul friends freakin’ invented media disruption:

In the 1920s, Sumner Redstone helped usher in the transition from silent movies to sound.

In the 1940s, Barry Diller convinced a reluctant movie industry to start producing content for a new technology called “television.”

In the 1960s, Bob Iger convinced the black & white television industry to transition to a new technology called “color television.”

In the 1980s, if it wasn’t for me, Hollywood’s iconic, beautifully rendered animated characters wouldn’t have started showing up in Happy Meals and on Big Gulp cups.

And even today, my good friend Rupert Murdoch is changing the way news is gathered. By tapping directly into the victim’s phone messages, he has bypassed the tedious step of finding a credible source to get that same information.

These were seismic shifts in our industry. And now, we’re irrelevant?

As a sign of the times, just outside the ballroom here at the Sun Valley Lodge, LinkedIn CEO Jeff Weiner was sitting at a table by himself hoping to sign copies of his Forbes Magazine cover (he also has poster sized ones available for $100).

That used to be Michael Eisner out there signing shit!

(Personally, I think being on the cover of Forbes is the equivalent of a football player being on the cover of Madden NFL. Others recently on the cover of Forbes include Andrew Mason, Paul Graham and Justin Bieber.)

If you only read Forbes, you would think Silicon Valley is the future of all media!

So… is Hollywood done?

Definitely… if you listen to the heads of the top Silicon Valley companies. According to them, they’ve got it all figured out. The general opinion there is that Hollywood is old, out of touch and getting older and out of toucher by the day.

Well, we’ll see about that, my young padawans.

Remember the first “Karate Kid” (30 years ago) when Mr. Miyagi kicks four young karate students’ asses in about 15 seconds? Hollywood is Mr. Miyagi.

Sure, you say, that’s a movie and not real. Bull shit, I say. Hollywood movies are in our DNA (something Silicon Valley will never understand) and we know how to manufacture happy endings.

There are already signs Silicon Valley is losing a bit of its swagger.

Last year, with a “guaranteed blockbuster IPO” on the horizon, I remember Mark Zuckerberg and Sheryl Sandberg arrived at the Conference on Hoverboards.

This year, they came on a bus.

So… the battle is joined on the neutral territory of the Sun Valley Lodge.

Hollywood vs. Silicon Valley. One will win. One will go back to their parents’ basement.

May God have mercy on us all.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

July 9, 2012July 18, 2012

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2012

Day 1 – Disappearing Mogul

Day 2 – The Acid Trip

Day 3 – The Future

———————–

Leaving (7/10/12):

OK – I suppose I’m going to this thing.

Herb called me acting like a kid before his 10th birthday party, all worried that no one was going to show up.

So OK, Herb, I’m on my way.

Based on the last couple of years, I can expect some really weird freaky ass shit to go on again this year.

[To read about that really weird freaky ass shit – go here for 2011 and here for 2010.]

To anyone trying to reach me – fuck off.

I’ll be at The Drankin’ Hole with Chase Carey and our best friend for the next several days – bartender Bin Tran (the best Goddamned dirty martini maker in the world).

The only instructions we have been given by Herb this year are to bring comfortable shoes and have an open mind.

This could mean any number of things when it comes to Herb.

The last time he said bring comfortable shoes we had to participate in that pathetic “Mogulympics” competition.

And the last time he said to have an open mind we got “Burning Mogul” – I still have nightmares from that horrible night.

I’ll do my best to report on how things are going here.

Remember, everything you read in this space for the next few days will be written by a very drunk man.

If I’m not back by Friday, send the other jet with my security team and some local police, for I may be locked in Herb’s dungeon underneath the Sun Valley Lodge.

Herb likes to punish those who do not fully participate and, this year, I do not plan on fully participating.

God speed and get back to work!

Manka Bros. is having another terrible year because YOU are all terrible.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

May 4, 2012May 4, 2012

Manka Bros. Would Like To Offer Scott Thompson A Job

Allen & Company retreat, Anne Mulcahy, Ari Emanuel, Barry Diller, Ben Silverman, Bob Iger, Bobby Kotick, Carol Bartz, Charlie Rose, Cory Booker, DumbDumb, Electus, Eric Schmidt, Erin Burnett, Gina Bianchini, Harvey Weinstein, Herb Allen, Herb Allen Sun Valley Conference, Herbert Allen, Jean-Bernard Levy, Jeff Bewkes, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jeffrey Immelt, Jerry Yang, John Donahue, Ken Auletta, Khan Manka, Lachlan Murdoch, Lady Gaga, Leslie Moonves, Lionel Barber, Lloyd Grohl, Manka Bros., Marc Andreessen, Marissa Mayer, Mark Pincus, Mark Zuckerberg, Martin Sorrell, Mathias Dopfner, Mike Bloomberg, Niall FitzGerald, Peter Chernin, Phillippe Dauman, Reid Hoffman, Richard Parsons, Ricky Van Veen, Rob Wiesenthal, Robert L. Johnson, Ron Meyer, Rupert Murdoch, Sergey Brin, Sheryl Sandberg, Steve Jobs, Sun Valley Retreat, Sun Valley Retreat 2010, Terry Semel, Tom Freston, Tom Friedman, Ursula Burns, Vivi Nevo, Warren Buffett, World's Largest Media Company, Rupert Murdoch, Jose Maria Aznar, natalie Bancroft, Peter Barnes, Chase Carey, Kenneth Cowley, David DeVoe, Viet Dinh, Rod Eddington, Joel Klein, Andrew S.B. Knight, James Murdoch, Lachlan Murdoch, Thomas Perkins, Arthur Siskind, John Thornton, Stanley Shuman, Rebekah Brooks, Les Hinton, Teri Everett, jack Horner, Julie Henderson, Reed Nolte, Roger Ailes, Janet Nova, John Nallen, Beryl Cook, Michael Regan, Genie Gavenchak, Brian Lewis, Irena Briganti, Dan Berger, Rosabel Tao, Steven Rubenstein, Suzanne Halpin, Elisabeth Murdoch, Carol Bartz, Roy Bostock, Patti Hart, Sue James, Vyomesh Joshi, David Kenny, Arthur Kern, Brad Smith, Gary Wilson, Jerry Yang, Blake Irving, Ross Levinsohn, Rose Tsou, Rich Riley, Tim Morse, Michael J. Callahan, David Dibble, David Filo, Dr. Prabhakar Roghavan, Jeff Russakow, Elisa Steele, David Windley

It seems that Silicon Valley and Wall Street are going ape shit over the fact that Scott Thompson didn’t really go to college or didn’t get a degree in whatever he said he got one in – or whatever.

At Manka Bros., we could care less about that crap and I would like to offer Scott Thompson a job.

For the record, I, Khan Manka, Jr., didn’t go to college and yet, here I am, Chairman & CEO of the World’s Largest Media Company.

Granted, my father, the asshole Harry Manka, was head of the studio until he died and legally forced me into the job after his death when I would have much rather been concentrating on drugs, girls and my band (the under-appreciated ‘King Khan’).

That said, I’ve been doing it successfully for 36 years and I can barely fucking read.

So, Scott Thompson, it’s time for you to leave those tight-assed judgmental blue-bloods in Silicon Valley and come down to Hollywood where the literacy rate is much lower and we actually go out on dates.

Former heads of Yahoo! have been a great recruiting opportunity for us here at Manka Bros., having previously offered jobs to Carol Bartz and Jerry Yang (still waiting to hear).

The job offer to you is similar – you can pretty much pick any area you want to work (except in New Media or Tech – we have a much higher education standard in place for those jobs).

I would suggest either the Theatrical or Television groups – both are sucking up a storm lately and I’ve been looking to replace Robin Rafe and Jay McBee for the past year (off the record).

The only jobs that are not available are mine and Lloyd Grohl.

Everything else is in play.

Let me know as soon as you are fired – we’d like to get you going here in the next couple of weeks. There is a lot of shit to fix.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

March 12, 2012March 7, 2018

The Death Of A Mogul

Accel Partners, Alan Eustace, Allen & Company retreat, Allen Blue, Ann Mather, Anne Mulcahy, Ari Emanuel, Arvind Rajan, Barry Diller, Ben Silverman, Bob Iger, Bobby Kotick, Bret Taylor, Carol Bartz, CES 2011, Chamath Palihapitiya, Charlie Rose, Chris Hughes, Christopher Cox, Cory Booker, Dan Rose, David Drummond, David Ebersman, David Fischer, David Henke, David Kirkpatrick, David Sze, Deep Nishar, DumbDumb, Dustin Moskovitz, Eduardo Saverin, Electus, Ellen Levy, Elliot Schrage, Emilie Choi, Eric Schmidt, Erika Rottenberg, Erin Burnett, Gerald Levin, Gina Bianchini, Greylock Partners, Harvey Weinstein, HBO, Herb Allen, Herb Allen Sun Valley Conference, Herbert Allen, Jean-Bernard Levy, Jean-Luc Vaillant, Jeff Bewkes, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jeffrey Immelt, Jerry Yang, Jill Kennedy, Jim Breyer, Joanna Shields, John Doerr, John Donahue, John Hennessy, Jon Miller, Jonathan Heiliger, Jonathan Rosenberg, Justin Aselage, Katrina Hau, Ken Auletta, Kevin Eyres, Khan Manka, Lachlan Murdoch, Lady Gaga, Leslie Moonves, Li Ka-shing, Lionel Barber, Lloyd Grohl, Lori Goler, Manka Bros., Marc Andreessen, Marissa Mayer, Mark Cuban, Mark Pincus, Mark Zuckerberg, Martin Sorrell, Mathias Dopfner, Matt Cohler, Mike Bloomberg, Mike Gamson, Mike Murphy, Mike Schroepfer, MySpace, Niall FitzGerald, Nicolas Carlson, Nikesh Arora, OnMedea, Owen Van Natta, Patrick Crane, Patrick Pichette, Paul Buchheit, Paul Madera, Paul Otellini, Peter Chernin, Peter Thiel, Phillippe Dauman, Ram Shriram, Reid Hoffman, Richard Parsons, Ricky Van Veen, Rob Wiesenthal, Robby Kwok, Robert L. Johnson, Ron Meyer, Rupert Murdoch, Sergey Brin, Sheryl Sandberg, Shirley Tilghman, Shona Brown, Steve Cadigan, Steve Jobs, Steve Patrizi, Steve Sordello, Sumner Redstone, Sun Valley Retreat, Sun Valley Retreat 2010, Ted Ullyot, Terry Semel, Tom Freston, Tom Friedman, Tony DiSanto, Toy Story 3, Ursula Burns, Vivi Nevo, Warren Buffett, Warren Lieberfarb, World's Largest Media Company

Good morning.

On March 7, 1958, my Uncle Simeon died.

The next day, his body was flown back his birthplace (Yambol, Bulgaria) for burial.

My asshole father, Harry, did not attend nor did he talk to Simeon during the last five years of his life.

Uncle Simeon’s story is a tragic Hollywood tale of weakness and insanity.

He died on March 7, 1958 on Hollywood Boulevard wearing only a sandwich board advertisement for “Benny’s World Of Beef.”

I have never heard of Benny’s World Of Beef so obviously he didn’t do a very good job promoting it. Perhaps he wasn’t promoting it at all and simply wore the sign because he had no other clothes.

From what I understand from my father, Simeon went insane around the turn of the 20th century. He would have been 18 at the time. That means he was insane for 58 years.

All I remember is that he used to bang into stuff all the time.

He dubbed Manka Bros.’ films into Bulgarian doing all of the voices himself (it was very small market for us).

He urinated on everything at the studio – marking his territory I suppose.

He would urinate on movie sets, on movie stars, the food in the cafeteria… everything.

He must have constantly been hydrating.

But I digress… this is not a day to piss (excuse the pun) on his grave. This is a day to remember one of the founding brothers of this great company – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company.

He was the only Manka brother to be buried in their homeland of Bulgaria.

My other uncle (the great Khan Manka) wanted to be buried next to Napoleon (he wasn’t… Forrest Lawn actually); and my father Harry was buried under his old office (currently my office) here on the Manka Bros. Studio lot (Main Administration Bldg. 2).

So Manka Bros. employees, take a moment to remember your company’s history and then get back to fucking work – we’re having a terrible year!

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

January 17, 2012January 17, 2012

Jerry Yang: Manka Bros. Would Like To Offer You A Job

Good afternoon.

I was just made aware by one of my assistants that Jerry Yang (founder and Chief Yahoo! of Yahoo! – whatever the fuck that means) is leaving the company.

I guess the Board of Directors and the Shareholders finally got their way and successfully shoved him out.

As someone who is constantly being told to leave my own company due to poor performance, I can empathize with Jerry.

My only question is, why didn’t they shove him out after he stupidly refused Microsoft’s $32/share offer to buy Yahoo!?

But no matter – I’m not here to shit on his grave and piss on his legacy. I’m here to offer him a job.

Manka Bros. is the world’s largest media company and can offer a decent salary, dental, medical, life and dismemberment insurance package (God forbid you get dismembered sitting at a desk) that rivals all the other studios in Hollywood (except maybe Disney – you get free Disneyland admission when you work there – that’s a $10,000 value… per trip).

So – Jerry – I know you’re reeling right now and probably worried about where your next paycheck is coming from. But worry no more – your next paycheck is coming from Manka Bros.

You can basically pick which area you would like to work in (except in our online group – your track record is pretty spotty there).

I would be happy to replace any of the suck ass senior executives that are currently running the various divisions. They’re all terrible at their jobs (off the record – no, fuck it – ON the record).

Give me a call at my office at your earliest convenience so we can discuss a start date.

FYI, I will be leaving for the Davos World Economic Forum in a couple of days where I will be giving yet another keynote address – so get back to me before then.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO (& Chief Yahoo!) – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

December 19, 2011December 19, 2011

Sumner Redstone’s Holiday Party

Ari Emanuel, Ben Silverman, Bob's Big Boy Burbank, Electus, Fred Willard, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jill Kennedy, kara swisher, Khan Manka, Les Moonves, Manka Bros., Melinda the first lady of magic, nikki finke, Nokia Theater, OnMedea, Philippe Dauman, Rupert Murdoch, sharon waxman, Sherry Lansing, Sumner Redstone, Taylor Swift, Terry Semel, The black Eyed Peas, thewrap.com, Viacom's Holiday party

Over the weekend, I went to Sumner Redstone’s Holiday Party at Bob’s Big Boy in Burbank. It was a pretty sad event with only a few of the invited guests bothering to show up.

Sumner kept staring at the front door and mumbled over and over: “Well, it IS raining…” and “After the rain stops, I’m sure more will show up”, etc.

The few of us that did venture out on that cold, rainy Saturday really wish we didn’t.

It was me, Phillipe Dauman, Ben Silverman (with some girl who talked non-stop about how she slept with Tiger Woods and Kobe Bryant), Melinda (the first lady of magic) and Fred Willard.

We had a table in the center of the restaurant. There were no booths available.

This was a new low for Sumner (and, frankly, a new low for me for daring to be seen there).

As many of you know, Sumner has been living on-and-off at my house ever since announcing his divorce last year and I felt bad for the old guy.

He was babbling about rumors out there (from years ago) that News Corp. and his old media enemy Rupert Mudoch want to buy Viacom for the cable channels. While I don’t really think that’s a possibility, Sumner believes everything he reads on the Internet and reacts accordingly.

He told me if Rupert tries to buy him out, he will kill everyone involved and book the first Virgin Galactic flight into outer space where he will live out his days in peace.

The Bob’s Big Boy waitress assigned to our table was getting angry that Sumner wanted to wait for more people to arrive before ordering. She finally said there would be no more free ice tea until food was ordered. “There are people waiting for this table,” she said.

With that, we ordered.

I got the Super Big Boy with onion rings and a strawberry shake. Phillipe Dauman was going to get the lemon cod but changed his mind once he heard what I was getting. He decided on the Super Big Boy with onion rings and a chocolate shake.

Everyone else got a variation on the same theme.

The rest of the evening was too pathetic to mention in much detail:

Melinda (the first lady of magic) balanced a spoon on her nose about twenty times;
Fred Willard went on and on about a sewer problem he was having at his house;
Ben Silverman talked about how he was going to Les Moonves‘ CBS party (which was being held later that night at the Nokia Theater with special musical performances by Common and Taylor Swift);
I was also headed to the CBS party. (Sumner was not invited.)

Our food arrived quickly and the burgers were undercooked. None of us really cared because we wanted to get out of there as fast as possible.

When the checked arrived, Sumner patted his pockets as though he forgot his wallet. Melinda (the first lady of magic) picked up the check for the table. The party was over by 7:30.

Worst Holiday party ever – though the strawberry shake was excellent.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

P.S. – I’ll write about the unbelievable time I had at the CBS party at a later date.

October 12, 2011October 12, 2011

Gay Moroccan Poetry Is Not Going To Save Our Publishing Business

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Last night, I had dinner with Cyrus Weinstein – President of the Manka Bros. Publishing Group.

He informed me that his group is in ‘super-duper danger’ (as opposed to the ‘super danger’ he told me about last year) with books and magazine sales way down year-over-year (a ‘reverse hockey stick’, I believe he said).

“If you aren’t on a plane, train or toilet, you aren’t reading a book, ” he said. “And it’s not just because of the recession – the full scale shift in how people consume media is nearly complete. And because of lower pricing and customer confusion, things really suck right now.”

Apparently, the increase in digital downloads and advertising from online publishing sites (including our own Mankazines and Manka Books websites) are not making up the difference. The only apparent bright spot was our MC Comics division which we continue to mine for feature film franchises (most of which fail at the box office… but I digress).

As we proceeded to eat our $200 steaks at Cut in Beverly Hills (which I certainly hope Cyrus will not attempt to put through on his fucking expense report!), I asked him what he thought, if anything, could turn things around.

He told me one word… “niche.”

He has developed a ‘long tail’ niche publishing strategy that will focus completely on his target audience – PEOPLE WHO BUY BOOKS (i.e., old people, gay people, lonely widows, etc.).

He punctuated his thought by telling me that Manka Iambic (our Poetry Publishing imprint – who knew?) had just signed gay Moroccan poet Ahmet Ghary Cool to a two book deal worth over $1 million dollars.

His first book for us will be called Awake In My Dreams and will come in a month or so.

“How many poetry books by this guy do you expect to sell?”, I asked.

As Cyrus drank from his glass of 1982 Mouton-Rothchild, he said… “Two to three thousand in the first year and then a few hundred every year after that – mostly to gay Moroccan college students. It’s not about sales. It’s about prestige.”

After a long pause and a couple of shots of Slivovitz, I asked him what else was on the drawing board.

“We have a terrific new cook book coming out called Great Recipes By Unknown Chefs and a user-generated travel book called Best Of The Internet Travel Blogs.”

For some reason, I thought I was on some sort of Gotcha/Punk’d television show where the host would come out and Cyrus would say it was all a joke.

But it wasn’t a joke.

This is the future of our Publishing Group and it seriously scares the shit out of me.

Cyrus Weinstein has been a trailblazing executive in the publishing world for over 40 years but I think his dinosaur bones are starting to show and it may be time to bury him so that future generations can dig him up and say “Oh, so this is what a publishing executive looked like.”

But… he has earned my respect over the years and he deserves the shot to make his new strategy work.

God help us all.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

September 28, 2011October 13, 2011

Hollywood Is Out Of Visionaries

UPDATE: And now we can add Bob Iger to the list below. The coward couldn’t stick it out like a real mogul would. Real moguls don’t retire.

——–

This morning, about 11:00, I had an epiphany.

I was trying to think of someone in this fucking town that I wanted to have lunch with today.

I couldn’t think of anyone.

Everyone is so freakin’ boring these days that I ended up telling my driver, Leif Garrett, to go pick up my daughter, Connie, at school and bring her to the studio so I could have lunch with her.

I was stunned that I would rather hear about her morning learning about the Civil War (or some shit) than I would meeting with some other studio mogul to find out what they are up to.

Because I already know the answer – they are up to nothing. They are up to bullshit.

I have never been so bored with my industry as I am right now. Hollywood is in full blown reactive mode.

We are spending our days and nights trying to figure out how to put our beautiful, expensive, well-produced content on a 3 inch screen.

We are working so hard for the tech geeks who are innovating and inventing these new devices and services that this very same beautiful, expensive, well-produced content is on a collision course with a mountain of shit.

Hollywood was built on innovation and there is nothing happening on that front.

Some would argue – “Hell, yeah, we’re innovating, we’re transitioning to digital! It’s an inflection point, bitch!”

Fuck that.

All those ideas, all that technology, all that innovation is coming from somewhere else.

Twenty-five year old dorks with nothing to lose are making us old moguls obsolete. And worse? They are dictating the terms. (30% to show my stupid movie on your stupid Facebook?!)

Nothing new is coming out of Hollywood. We are creatively bankrupt.

Yes, content is king. And we make the content the world wants to see. But it’s the same goddamned content over and over – and that seems to be okay with everyone in this town.

Manka Bros. has the worst Fall TV line-up on MBS I have ever seen. And no one seems to care – certainly not Jay McBee – who does nothing with his time but train for Triathlons (that he loses).

I mean, as long as the bonus checks keep clearing, why the fuck wouldn’t we just keep things at the status quo? Right?

All my friends, visionaries at one point in their lives, are passing their remaining days doing bullshit. It’s depressing.

Barry Diller started a broadcast network out of scotch tape and bubble gum wrappers (Fox) and today he owns a dating service and has to listen to the stupid “ground breaking” ideas of Ben Silverman.

Michael Eisner revitalized and rebuilt one of the great studios of all time and now he’s producing little videos for the internet and going duck hunting. Does anyone really know what the hell he is trying to do?

Jeffrey Katzenberg kicked some ass at Disney and created an environment that enabled a dead genre (animated features) to become popular again. Today, he is most likely preparing Monsters, Inc. 2 and reading a draft of the Kung Fu Panda 3 screenplay. Just sell your studio already, Jeffrey, it’s never going to be the empire you imagined at one time – when you still had dreams.

And then there are these guys – my great friends – the ones that truly built something from nothing:

Rupert Murdoch – who built a global media empire from a tiny grade school newspaper (or something) – and now he’s just sitting around his office in the dark listening to Pippa Middleton’s phone messages.

Sumner Redstone – Well, I think he was more lucky than good and didn’t really do much in his life except yell at people and try to pick up hot chicks. (OK, I’m sure he did something significant somewhere along the line, but he’s still staying at my house on-and-off these days, so I’m pissed at him right now. This guy doesn’t flush the toilet. It’s horrifying. And those Charlie’s Angels posters from the 1970s are just embarrassing.)

And Ted Turner, one of the craziest risk takers and innovators the media world has ever seen – all that great shit he built from nothing – is now making buffalo burgers.

Sure, these guys, as I myself, are getting old and there really isn’t much more we can accomplish because death will most likely put an end to any future plans we have.

And, really, the energy level just isn’t there. I mean, the Mogulympics at Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Retreat this year was just pathetic.

The biggest problem I have at my studio is – there isn’t a new generation of innovators in Hollywood to take the old trailblazers’ place. They’re all going to Silicon Valley – and why not? There sure as shit isn’t anything going on here.

My father wouldn’t consider himself a visionary by any means (and, frankly, no one else would either). He was a total prick whose main accomplishments in life were stealing other people’s ideas and having heart attacks. But he and his brothers (THE Manka Bros.) were Thomas Edisons compared to today’s Hollywood.

All we have today is a generation of cost-cutters and an army of people minding the bottom line.

Innovation has left town and it’s not coming back.

We’re Hollywood, goddamnit, we’re important – how the fuck did we let that happen?

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company