When John Glenn Circled The Earth

There’s not a man outside waiting to kill me if I step out of my house and there’s NOT a terrible flu virus killing off the old people of the world (Swine Flu is for pussies!).

The only problem, as I see it from my front porch in eastern Michigan, is THOSE DAMN KIDS!

Fifty years ago TODAY(!), when John Glenn circled the world in the Friendship 7 in 1962, there weren’t kids on skateboards jumping over your car or riding bikes and sleds onto your lawn.

The only kids I saw back then were saluting the flag.

The only kids I saw back then respected their elders.

Look here, I can remember 1932.   How many of you assholes can say that? (ed. note: non-octogenarians, that is)

I remember when things were really bad.

When children cried when they were hungry and policemen were corrupt.  We’ve won six wars over the past 80 years (eight if you count Iraq and Afghanistan!).

What have the 12 year-olds of today done?

They broke my front window for one.  Yep, they sure did that.

Hit Mrs. Aldrich in the legs with a ball.  That sure was “cool”.

Ding dong ditch ’em?  Oh, you bet.

Flaming manure?  12 bags, 12 days.

One day, Mrs. Aldrich and I were on our way out to movie and little Snotty Scotty got it into his mind to throw firecrackers at Mrs. Aldrich.

Real classy, Snotty.  You’re lucky she lost her hearing years ago, jerk!

Kids at the supermarket yell at me for parking in a handicap spot.

I haven’t straightened my right leg in 20 goddamned years, fuckers!  Of course I’m handicapped!  You want me to empty my colostomy bag inside your boots!

I hate the kids of today.  I wish they were all dead.

No, there’s no Seven Plagues of the Bible or Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse coming to destroy the world.

The only thing that will destroy this God forsaken planet is THOSE DAMN KIDS!

GOD SPEED, JOHN GLENN!

I’ll talk at you next week…

Lester Aldrich – Those Damn Kids