Lester – Page 2 – Those Damn Kids

March 4, 2015March 4, 2015

Hillary Clinton Is Toast

Let’s make one thing clear: Hillary Clinton would have been President of the United States.

But – and I hate to say it – now she will never be President of the United States.

Chris Christie has a better chance of being President and he has ZERO CHANCE.

The American people are going to turn on Hillary just like they turned on Brian Williams and Bill Cosby (not in the same ballpark – he’s a rapist after all!) [lawyer’s note: ‘alleged rapist’].

It’s a matter of trust and we no longer trust Hillary Clinton, Brian Williams or Bill Cosby (and if I was woman in a room with and he offered me a drink… Jesus H. Christ – he was BILL COSBY – a huge star – most of those woman probably would have had sex with him in the regular way – which is why he is a sick psychopath) [lawyer’s note: ‘alleged sick psychopath’]

I don’t know why Hillary decided not to use her State Department email account. Maybe it was just easier on her Blackberry to use one email account for personal and work business and didn’t like switching back and forth.

It doesn’t really matter because now, no matter the reason, we suspect she was hiding something or wanted to be able to delete certain items after she sent them.

This is a shame because the Democrats have nothing now.

Hillary still might be the nominee but Democrats today are a lot less excited about her prospects.

Republicans will not let this go – much like Benghazi – and Hillary will be brought to her knees with accusations and questions and she’ll never get a chance to campaign effectively.

So – we’re probably going to have President Jeb Bush.

I’d better start stocking up on my pills.

I’ll talk at you later…

Lester Aldrich – Those Damn Kids – Manka Bros. Studios

P.S. – Maybe Al Gore will give it another go – but I’d hate to see him lose to two Bush’s. Well, he didn’t actually LOSE the first one – but I digress…

September 10, 2014

Yemen Theme Park Is A Horrible Idea

As an independent contractor at Manka Bros. Studios (which claims to be the World’s Largest Media Company), I am shocked and disgusted at the plan to build a Manka Fun Park in Yemen.

Here is the disturbing announcement:

I have been proud of my years at Manka Bros. and the writing I have accomplished – but this theme park must NOT BE BUILT.

Not only is it a terrible business decision – it is a terrible moral decision.

If the Manka Fun Park Yemen ever opens its gates, I will cut my ties with the company and go work for Disney Blogs.

Lester Aldrich – Those Damn Kids

July 17, 2014July 18, 2014

The Open Championship Is My Super Bowl!

Those damn kids on my block always seem to know when and how to junk up my day.

I get up at 5:00 am every morning.

I suck some oatmeal through a straw because my teeth can’t chew anymore.

I do the crossword.

I read the news on the internet because except for the crossword, newspapers are old news.

But this morning and every morning through this weekend I am getting up at 4:00 am to watch my favorite sporting event – The Open Championship.

On these four days, I don’t care if planes are getting shot out of the sky by Russians or if Israel launches a ground invasion into Gaza.

I just want to watch The Open Championship!

Mrs. Aldrich turns on the TV for me. She liquified some strawberries and poured me a nice big glass of vodka.

I was ready for five hours of peace and enjoyment.

But, apparently, those damned mucky kids were also up and running around the the neighborhood drunk from some all night party.

They were vomiting on my lawn, fighting on my lawn, throwing eggs at my house and, in general, making me wish I was living in eastern Ukraine.

There were THUMPS and SCREAMS and there was nothing I could do.

I called the police but in East Lansing, that doesn’t really get anywhere. They don’t come for loud noise… only murder… but not for a while.

I told them that was a real possibility if those damn kids didn’t shut their yaps and go home.

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Lester Aldrich, Those Damn Kids, The Open Championship, Rory McIlroy, Dick Shepherd, Tom Watson, Tiger Woods, Snotty Scotty — I am choosing not to show images of Those Damn Drunken Kids

While I’m dealing with the noise and waiting on the phone, Rory McIllroy is having an incredible round with some incredible shots.

Tom Watson is, once again, playing for us old guys.

~~And Tiger Woods is in the hunt.~~ (After Round 2 strike the above comment.)

I sent Mrs. Aldrich outside to try to deal with the situation, but she came back quickly to get some water to put out a bag of flaming shit that she could see outside on the doorstep.

That was it!

Snotty Scotty and his drunken terrorists were finally going to meet their maker.

I was going to kill them, finish watching the 1st round of The Open Championship and then call the police to tell them there has been a justified killing.

Just as was going to get my gun, there was a knock at the door.

If this was ding dong ditch ’em, and I open that door and no one is there, the whole neighborhood is going up in flames. I’ll burn it all down.

Standing in the doorway was my old friend Dick Shepherd – looking worse than ever. Dick has 1/4 of a lung, one working eye, half a tongue and various other horrible ailments.

He had stomped out the flaming poop and there was no one to be seen on my lawn. Just some leftover mess that Mrs. Aldrich will clean up later.

“Dick, what the Hell? Where are those damn kids that were out here?”

“I dragged one off your lawn. There are two passed out drunk on the street.”

“But what are you doing here?”

“It’s The Open Championship – I brought a bottle of vodka.”

Good ol’ one eye, half tongue Dick. I could always count on him.

I’ll talk at you next week…

Lester Aldrich – Those Damn Kids

P.S. – Rory McIlroy is leading after the 1st round at -6.

January 27, 2014January 27, 2014

The Terrorist Games of the 22nd Olympiad

You know we’re living in a crazy fucked up world when a victory for Russia is that no one gets killed during the Sochi Olympic games.

If terrorists do not strike, I can imagine Vladimir Putin shouting from the Caucasus Mountains: “See, I told you! Now please you to come to Russia for visit. We are safe!”

Yeah, fat chance, Pootie Poot.

The fact is, most people in the world will be very surprised if there isn’t at least one act of violence or terrorism during the games.

I personally believe there will be several acts of violence and probably a couple of countries will leave early because of it.

What’s the point of going there then?

I understand it for the athletes, they been training their entire young lives and this might be their only shot. If you’re a cross-country skier, you roll the dice at that point.

But why do we have to send Matt Lauer and Savannah Guthrie into the shit?

How many morning show hosts are we willing to sacrifice for sport? 15? 20?

Shame on you, NBC.

Send that guy that’s always in the flak jacket in Egypt. He can probably tell you what’s happening in the luge.

There’s no upside for Russia as host of these games. Why would anyone visit a place that needs 40,000 troops to protect you?

A million troops could probably protect South Sudan but you see them trying to host the Academy Awards or even a bowling tournament.

It’s such a joke.

Those Olympics venues will look like Sarajaveo’s in a couple of years with grass growing through what used to be a Curling arena or whatever.

I hear they have 40,000 troops guarding the Games.

That has to make one feel secure – 40,000 drunken Russian troops lusting after Polish ice dancers.

The goddamned Polish ice dancers never had a chance.

Oh, well, I’ll be watching.

I love the Olympics.

I’ll talk at you later…

Lester Aldrich – Those Damn Kids

P.S. – No report on Those Damn Kids this week – it’s too goddamned cold for even those little pissants to come out from their holes.

January 22, 2014January 22, 2014

Christie and McDonnell Nailed All The Seven Deadly Sins

Chris Christie, Lester Aldrich, Those Damn Kids, Bob McDonnell, 7 deadly sins, Warren Buffet, Carl Lewis, Mayor of Hoboken, Mayer of Ft. Lee

This has been a terrible year for two popular Republican Governors… Chris Christie and Bob McDonnell.

Both of their political lives are basically over… “allegedly” (I was told to say by the Manka Bros. lawyers).

There were actually certain people who thought one or both of them could have one day been President!

HA!

At this point, they have a better chance to earn $1 billion from Warren Buffet for picking a perfect NCAA Men’s Basketball Bracket (which is a 1 in a 3.8 trillion chance).

So, let’s run down the 7 DEADLY SINS and see how the great men from Virginia and New Jersey fared:

SIN #1 – LUST:

This is probably the one that no one in America cares about (at least not from these guys). They both obviously had a lust for power but most think of this one in a sexual context – so let’s just assume they had it and let’s try not to think about it any more.

SIN #2 – GLUTTONY:

I’m looking at Governor Christie mainly on this one (butter ain’t butter unless it’s deep fried!). Governor McDonnell obviously has a gluttony for wedding dinners but Governor Christie had a gluttony for everyone else’s dinner.

SIN #3 – GREED:

Governor McDonnell (and wife) – any questions? And Governor Christie’s greed for political endorsements was his undoing – though it’s hard to understand why anyone would be that stupid. As a comparison, Governor Christie easily wins the battle of Greed – like a foot race between Usain Bolt and Betty White.

SIN #4 – SLOTH:

Governor Christie – any questions? In general both men are guilty because they had no desire to cover their tracks. So lazy. Corruption in the digital age has never seen such sloth. How hard is it to hide the bullshit you are attempting to do?

SIN #5 – WRATH:

The wrath by Governor Christie on those who wouldn’t endorse him is (allegedly – HA!) certainly wrath – right, Carl Lewis, Mayor of Hoboken and Mayor of Ft. Lee?

SIN #6 – ENVY:

Both Governors really envy Air Force 1 and would have loved to have been in control of that son of a bitch. Alas, ain’t gonna happen.

Mrs. McDonnell, you really couldn’t wait to demand a Rolex with an inscription? In the words of the whore Julia Roberts from “Pretty Woman” – ‘BIG MISTAKE!’

SIN #7 – PRIDE:

Governor Christie had to boast about being the guy who put the cones down during #Bridgegate. If only that’s all you did. If you kept the bridge open, you may have been President of the United States. And if Bob McDonnell would have…

Nah – Bob McDonnell wouldn’t have been gum sweeper at a Presidential theme park no matter what he did – so I suppose he should have tried to get all the shit he could. He and his wife were just really sloppy.

The real tragedy is Chris Christie – his dreams are dead.

Lester Aldrich – Those Damn Kids

January 15, 2014January 18, 2014

Chris Christie Needs To Give Up

If I ever saw man who was never going to be President of the United States it is Chris Christie.

He just has no chance and should not take one more dollar from a person who wants to donate to his Presidential campaign.

If he had any dignity, he would realize that it’s all over, apologize and figure out what he’s going to do for the rest of his life.

Because he’s not going to be President – and will most likely not hold any elected office ever again.

That’s just the truth.

He reminds me of Those Damn Kids on my block who think they just do whatever they want – walk on my lawn, put burning bags of shit on my porch, toilet paper in my trees – and expect to get away with it.

He has about as much control over his staff as he does with his weight – zero.

Which is also the percentage chance he has to be President.

I’ll talk at you next week…

Lester Aldrich – Those Damn Kids

August 28, 2013

I Think My Medicine Is Making Me Sicker

Dr. Quack put me on a new pill the other day and it’s fucking up my life.

I’ve been crying like a baby girl and writing sentimental hogwash about the horrors of war.

I’ve been peeing my pants (more than normal) and sweating more than a Boston marathon bomber hiding in a boat in the backyard.

And worse of all, I’ve had no energy to scream at THOSE DAMN KIDS!

School started this week and my yard is already showing the effects. Those little pissants love to use my yard as a sidewalk and my shrubs as a trash bin. Walk in the street, ya little Hitler youths!

Now my hands are trembling.

Fuck this new pill. I am officially disobeying Dr. Quack.

I’ll talk at you next week (if I live that long).

Lester Aldrich – Those Damn Kids

August 28, 2013August 28, 2013

All This War Is Breaking My Heart

War sucks.

I don’t have to tell anyone that.

I’ve been through two and had a kid through one.

I’m 88 years old.

War sucks.

There is nothing funny this week. Snotty Scotty can do whatever he wants to my lawn this week because it doesn’t matter at all.

BECAUSE OF THAT PHOTO!

Bashar al-Assad in Syria must be destroyed. As Hitler needed to be destroyed. As anyone who kills innocents must be destroyed.

A chemical attack is pure evil.

He must be destroyed.

He destroyed children.

He destroyed mothers.

He destroyed brothers.

He destroyed fathers.

He destroyed sisters.

He destroyed pets.

HE must be destroyed.

But all this war is breaking my heart.

What do you do when you must do something but when you do it it ruins everything you hoped life would be?

That’s war.

That’s Obama’s decision.

And it breaks my heart.

More will die.

And it must be done.

Life sucks.

I’ll talk at you next week.

Lester Aldrich – Those Damn Kids

March 27, 2013

Dick Shepherd

Dick Shepherd (left picture – 1943) came by the house last weekend and we watched golf and basketball on television.

Michigan State looks good and so does Tiger Woods (though I think if he gets close to breaking Sam Sneed’s record for most victories or Jack Nicholson’s record most major victories, someone should break Tiger’s hands).

Dick Shepherd – or ‘Shep’ as I call him – has been an acquaintance of mine for over 75 years. Neither one of us left the neighborhood after the war like so many others I used to know that are long since dead.

Shep moved to East Lansing in 1935 from Hawaii. And like everyone from that stupid “state,” he’s about as smart as a coconut. He’s got six stupid grandchildren that like to do stuff like hide his dentures and spray him with the hose.

Thank God it was cold outside – so Those Damn Kids from the neighborhood were most likely pissing all over the mall urinals and watching another two hours of Hollywood tripe.

This is not a complaint. I am grateful for the afternoon of peace from those little assholes.

But back to Shep. He’s got one kidney, half a tongue and a quarter lung left. Doctors say, once he gets down to an eighth of a lung, he can being the countdown to his death.

Shep’s looking forward to that countdown – aren’t we all.

He still smokes and chews tobacco at the same time.

Good ol’ Shep.

I’d put a current picture of Shep here – but I promised him I wouldn’t. There is absolutely no resemblance left of that young man up there.

So we’re watching this golf tournament and every one of the damn commercials is about retirement planning or erectile disorder. Is every man who watches golf impotent and in need of financial advice?

But the commercials on the Michigan State basketball game were about young men drinking and trying to have sex with young attractive women.

If those young men want to keep having sex with those young women, they had better watch more golf and figure out how to stay erect and plan for a strong financial future.

Or they’ll just end up like me.

I’ll talk at you next week…

Lester Aldrich – Those Damn Kids

February 8, 2013

Friday Nights Are Hell Around Here

Friday nights are Hell around here and God knows I’ve never been too high on abortions – but if it meant I would get one peaceful Friday night, I would have aborted every one of THOSE DAMN KIDS in the third trimester with the head sticking out!

Me and Mrs. Aldrich get back from Denny’s about 4:45 every Friday night (tonight was no exception). I like to have me a LaBatt’s or three to sort of wind down from the week of staring at the floor and wondering when I’ll just die.

Then the sun goes down and it all starts.

First comes the blaring of car horns and the high-pitch screaming as they pass by.

Do these stupid kids want the whole neighborhood to think they’re idiots?

Dick suckers so high on pot they can’t even drive straight!

About an hour later, when they think I’m asleep, comes the TP.

If those little squirts knew how scarce that stuff was during the war and what we had to use to wipe our butts, they’d think twice about throwing roll after roll all over my 100-year-old elm tree.

Then it’s shaving cream and flaming manure time.

Like clockwork, those sissymarys write unmentionable sayings all over my driveway and lawn then set a bag of shit on fire.

The retards then ring the bell to let me know what they’ve done.

I GODDAMNED KNOW WHAT YOU’VE DONE! YOU’VE RUINED MY GODDAMNED LAWN AND MY FRIDAY NIGHT IS WHAT YOU’VE DONE!

I swear to Jesus Christ, next time I’m calling the cops and bomb sniffing dogs! I’ve had it.

And every Saturday it takes Mrs. Aldrich half the day just clean all that crap up.

I’ll talk at you next week…

Lester Aldrich – Those Damn Kids