Lester – Page 3 – Those Damn Kids

October 9, 2012October 10, 2012

Mitt Romney Must Not Win – A Plea From An Old Man

I haven’t written in a long time because, frankly, I thought I would be dead by now.

When you live with a colostomy bag you pretty much wish you were dead all the time, but somehow I’m still here.

And so are Those Damn Kids.

Over the weekend, the little fuckers TP’d my house again. It took Mrs. Aldrich all day Saturday and most of Sunday to get that shit crap out of my trees.

But I’m not writing about Those Damn Kids today, I’m writing about Mitt Romney (speaking of shit crap!).

MITT ROMNEY MUST NOT WIN THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION!

A Romney victory would be bad for me. Bad for Mrs. Aldrich. Bad for Michigan. Bad for the country. And bad for the whole damn world.

He wants to be President not because he wants to help anyone. He wants to be President because it would be the culmination of a career. The top line of a resume he has been filling out his entire life.

I’m not going to get into his shitty politics and things he plans to do to reward all those who helped him get into office. You can hear and read all of that everywhere else.

Frankly, I’m sick of it and wish it were all over.

This is a gut feeling – and I haven’t had many feelings in my gut for a long time (especially with this fucking jello and broth diet I have to be on until I die!).

I absolutely feel things… are… getting… better.

If Mitt Romney is elected, things… will… get… worse.

Life in Michigan has been a goddamned grind since 2000. There were no boom years under Bush – anyone who tells you that is a liar.

And this isn’t a personal attack on Mr. Romney (though it makes me sick that someone who is 65 looks as young as he does). It’s wrong to live an entire life and not put cigarettes and booze in your system.

How could you live through the 1960s and 1970s without cigarettes and booze?

And this isn’t a religious attack – though I don’t have many Mormon friends (they just never hung out in the same bars as I did). As far as I’m concerned, a person can worship whatever and whomever they like. I don’t understand how they believe the Garden of Eden is in western Missouri. I’ve been to western Missouri and I still haven’t got the stink off me. But that’s not for me to judge.

I didn’t even hate his father like many people in this state did when he was Governor for a few years in the 1960s. I had no trouble with him. He kept his hands off the auto industry and that’s all that mattered to most people in this state back then.

I’ve lived 89 years. And, no, I’m not better off than I was four years ago. Four years ago I could still use my ass to take a shit.

Health is everything.

Let me repeat, health is EVERYTHING. Money means NOTHING without your health.

And this country is about to put a man in office that values money over everything else.

EVERYTHING ELSE.

Health be damned.

What does he care? He’s never even had a beer in his life.

He’ll live to 110 without even so much as a cold.

A President like that has no incentive to finding a cure for cancer and only has disdain for those of us weak enough to be sick.

I just saw him this morning passing out McDonald’s french fries and Big Macs to reporters on his plane.

Perhaps it’s some long-term plan to kill off the opposition.

I’ll bet anyone $10,000 that that wasn’t his lunch. (I better not lose this bet, I have $106 in my bank account.)

I’ll speak at you next week…

Lester Aldrich – Those Damn Kids

February 20, 2012February 20, 2012

When John Glenn Circled The Earth

AARP, Afghanistan, aging, Alf Landon, Andy Rooney, Antonio ( "El Bailarín" ) Ruiz Soler, Arbys, Ari Emanuel, Art LInkletter, Ben Silverman, bleeding from the ass, brown spot on stomach, cannibalism, Carmen Amaya, Charles de Gaulle, CNN, colon bleeding, colostomy bag, Ding Dong Ditch 'em, Douglas Macarthur, East Lansing, east lansing, Edgard de Larminat, El Farruco, elephant toilet, Erich Von Manstein, Flamenco, Flaming bags of manure, Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, Friendship 7, Garrison Keillor, George Burns, George Herbert Walker Bush, Iraq, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, John Glenn, José Greco, Joseph de Goislard de Monsabert, Juan Manuel ( "El Farruquito" ) Fernández, Khan Manka, korean war, Korean War, La Argentina, La Argentinita, la trucha, lansing state journal, Lawrence Welk, Lester, lester aldrich, Lew Wasserman, Maginot Line, manka bros., Manka Bros., Mercury Atlas 6, Michigan, octogenarian, old man blog, Paul Harvey, Rupert Murdoch, Satan, Seven Plagues of the Bible, Spain during World War 2, Sumner Redstone, Terry Semel, those damn kids, Those Damn Kids, VFW Hall, Vicente Escudero, Vietnam War, World War 2, World's largest Media Company

There’s not a man outside waiting to kill me if I step out of my house and there’s NOT a terrible flu virus killing off the old people of the world (Swine Flu is for pussies!).

The only problem, as I see it from my front porch in eastern Michigan, is THOSE DAMN KIDS!

Fifty years ago TODAY(!), when John Glenn circled the world in the Friendship 7 in 1962, there weren’t kids on skateboards jumping over your car or riding bikes and sleds onto your lawn.

The only kids I saw back then were saluting the flag.

The only kids I saw back then respected their elders.

Look here, I can remember 1932. How many of you assholes can say that? (ed. note: non-octogenarians, that is)

I remember when things were really bad.

When children cried when they were hungry and policemen were corrupt. We’ve won six wars over the past 80 years (eight if you count Iraq and Afghanistan!).

What have the 12 year-olds of today done?

They broke my front window for one. Yep, they sure did that.

Hit Mrs. Aldrich in the legs with a ball. That sure was “cool”.

Ding dong ditch ’em? Oh, you bet.

Flaming manure? 12 bags, 12 days.

One day, Mrs. Aldrich and I were on our way out to movie and little Snotty Scotty got it into his mind to throw firecrackers at Mrs. Aldrich.

Real classy, Snotty. You’re lucky she lost her hearing years ago, jerk!

Kids at the supermarket yell at me for parking in a handicap spot.

I haven’t straightened my right leg in 20 goddamned years, fuckers! Of course I’m handicapped! You want me to empty my colostomy bag inside your boots!

I hate the kids of today. I wish they were all dead.

No, there’s no Seven Plagues of the Bible or Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse coming to destroy the world.

The only thing that will destroy this God forsaken planet is THOSE DAMN KIDS!

GOD SPEED, JOHN GLENN!

I’ll talk at you next week…

Lester Aldrich – Those Damn Kids

November 10, 2011November 10, 2011

Lester Aldrich Has Colostomy Bag Issues And Can’t Straighten His Fingers…

Hello, this is Mrs. Aldrich – Lester Aldrich’s wife.

He wanted me to type something here to tell you that he can’t write his column today because he has issues with his colostomy bag (see right) and can’t straighten his fingers.

And last night ‘s Republican debate gave him a seizure.

He also wanted me to tell you that he still hates THOSE DAMN KIDS and will be continuing his quest to destroy them all starting next week provided he regains the ability to shit.

He will talk at you next week.

Mrs. Aldrich – Those Damn Kids

October 6, 2011October 6, 2011

I’ve Always Been A Great Admirer Of Alf Landon

If Alf Landon would have won the Presidency in 1936, this country would be a hell of a lot different. May God damn FDR again and again and again!

If Alf Landon were President, we wouldn’t have waited for the Japs to bomb us, we would have bombed them as soon as they Raped Naking.

We would have bombed Germany while Hitler was still sucking on his mother’s cock.

We would have bombed Russia before they were the Soviet Union. What happened there in Goddamn 1905 was good enough reason for me!

We goddamned would have stopped alot of Goddamned suffering.

The people wanted Alf.

The people loved Alf.

Alf got screwed up the ass because he was from Kansas.

FDR said to the New York Times, “Presidents don’t come from Kansas. Kansas is where drooling idiots fornicate with mules.” [ed. note: FDR never said any such thing. The 1936 election was won by FDR in the biggest landslide in U.S. Presidential history.]

FDR was a pussy. And what a great job he did. Just look where we are now:

… What?

I lost my train of thought. Once again, my last remaining peaceful moments in my life ruined by THOSE DAMN KIDS.

It seems that little idiot Billy Snotstick from across the street decided to throw a flaming dog turd onto my lawn.

Ooh, real destructive jerk! Where I come from that’s mulch!

Let’s see how that disrespectful little retard would like a Molotov cocktail thrown into his house in the middle of the night.

I’LL KILL ALL OF YOU!

As I watch Mrs. Aldrich clean up the shit, I suddenly realize…

Fuck politics, fuck presidential debates, I’ll be dead in four years.

I’ll talk at you next week…

Lester Aldrich – Those Damn Kids

September 29, 2011

Pension Fund Shot?

Retirement money dried up?

Stop your bitching and do what me and Mrs. Aldrich do – EAT DOG FOOD. And not that premium Alpo crap – I’m talking Chappie Original Dog Food Meal!

Me and the Mrs. have been through tougher times than this. A 39 cent can of dog food is a goddamned feast compared to what we used to eat.

Every time I see Those Damn Kids out on my lawn eating ice cream like it’s VJ Day, I just want to take the flag off my porch, impale them and carry them back to the depression where after we ran out of dirt to eat, we were forced to eat the termites that were eating our house.

I don’t know who’s to blame for this economic crisis (George Bush, Barack Obama, Lansing Mayor Virg Bernero, Those Damn Kids) – frankly, I don’t care.

Not as long as there is decent food to be had for $0.39!

I’ll talk at you next week…

Lester Aldrich – Those Damn Kids

September 23, 2011

Friday Nights Are Hell Around Here…

Friday nights are Hell around here and God knows I’ve never been too high on abortions – but if it meant I would get one peaceful Friday night, I would have aborted every one of THOSE DAMN KIDS in the third trimester with the head sticking out!

Me and Mrs. Aldrich get back from Denny’s about 5:45 every Friday night. I like to have me a LaBatt’s or three to sort of wind down from the week.

Then the sun goes down and it all starts.

First comes the blaring of car horns and the high-pitch screaming as they pass by. Do these stupid kids want the whole neighborhood to think they’re idiots? Dick suckers so high on pot they can’t even drive straight!

About an hour later, when they think I’m asleep, comes the TP.

If those little squirts knew how scarce that stuff was during the war and what we had to use to wipe our butts, they’d think twice about throwing roll after roll all over my 100-year-old elm tree.

Then it’s shaving cream and flaming manure time.

Like clockwork, those sissymarys write unmentionable sayings all over my driveway and lawn then set a bag of shit on fire.

The retards then ring the bell to let me know what they’ve done.

I GODDAMNED KNOW WHAT YOU’VE DONE! YOU’VE RUINED MY GODDAMNED LAWN IS WHAT YOU’VE DONE!

I swear to Jesus Christ, last Friday, if I could have unlocked the bullets in time, there’d be three less of THOSE GODDAMNED KIDS in the world.

And every Saturday it takes Mrs. Aldrich half the day just clean all that crap up.

I’ll talk at you next week..

Lester Aldrich – Those Damn Kids

August 8, 2011August 8, 2011

I Was A Teenager In The Great Depression

… My father was unemployed.

We had very little food.

We never bathed.

I didn’t go to school very often.

But I was a teenager so I didn’t give a shit about any of that stuff.

I just wanted to have sexual relations with Mary Dell’gato.

Today, my pension is completely gone (thanks, 3 years ago, to that no good motherfucker Richard Fuld and his bankrupt Lehman Brothers!).

My ass doesn’t really work anymore.

THOSE DAMN KIDS rip apart my lawn and TP my trees. And I’m a really old man.

The Great Depression was better.

I’ll talk at you next week.

Lester Aldrich – Those Damn Kids

July 22, 2011October 17, 2011

In 1944, I Was Ordered To Go To Spain

On this date, in 1944, I was ordered to go to Spain after five months of heavy fighting in eastern France.

I counted 35 kills in my personal quest to get to the Rhine but my fuck-ass superior officer thought I was ‘over-zealous’ in my hatred for strangers and told me to take a break from killing.

My superior officer was a pussy – but I won’t smear his name here – he was, after all, a decorated hero in the war to end all wars (WWI) and a valuable member of the super-duper war to end all wars (WWIl).

I think Captain Ralph “Ol’ Pussy” Jackson (oops) would have been ashamed of himself if he actually thought the allies would win.

But I think he always thought the Nazis would win, so he hedged his bets.

We can only hope Ol’ Pussy Jackson is burning in Hell now for being weak.

Though I don’t think Satan would have much to do with him.

What does Satan need with pussy ass weak field commanders?

Anyway, I was ordered to go to Spain. Southern Spain.

The only thing I knew about southern Spain was nothing. I knew they ate goat brains and pig feet but that was it.

I wasn’t expecting to see “La Trucha” (The Trout). La Truca was a flamenco dancer. And she was the love of my life. And I don’t give a shit if Mrs. Aldrich reads this!

I never knew a dance could seduce me so. Once you are in “La Trucha’s” grip you pretty much have to kill her to get out.

I spent five glorious days with “the trout” and then I had to leave and kill more Nazis.

Ol’ Pussy Jackson came to his senses and realized that the Nazis had to be killed. La Trucha tried keep me with her by threatening my life with her high-heel nail-studded Flamenco shoes. But I got away… yep… and I’m not saying what happened to La Trucha on that July night in 1944.

Fuck La Trucha! She might have been a double agent for all I knew. Fuck that bitch! As long as Nazis are alive, I must kill them.

I would have killed La Trucha – the love of my life – if she were a Nazi. I would kill my mother if she were a Nazi.

ALL NAZIS MUST DIE! Don’t try to win me over with your flamenco crap. It won’t work!

SCREW YOU, LA TRUCHA! No fish will defeat democracy!

I realize this has nothing to do with THOSE DAMN KIDS, but sometimes you have to kill others in order to kill yourself.

Capisce?

I’ll talk at you next week…

Lester Aldrich – Those Damn Kids

May 17, 2011

The VFW Hall Ain’t What It Used To Be

AARP, aging, Alf Landon, Andy Rooney, Arbys, Ari Emanuel, Art LInkletter, Ben Silverman, bleeding from the ass, brown spot on stomach, cannibalism, CNN, colon bleeding, colostomy bag, Douglas Macarthur, east lansing, elephant toilet, Garrison Keillor, George Burns, George Herbert Walker Bush, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Khan Manka, korean war, Korean War, lansing state journal, Lawrence Welk, lester aldrich, Lew Wasserman, manka bros., Manka Bros., Michigan, octogenarian, old man blog, Paul Harvey, Rupert Murdoch, Satan, Sumner Redstone, Terry Semel, those damn kids, VFW Hall, Vietnam War, World War 2, World's largest Media Company

There are now more Goddamned documentary filmmakers in the VFW bar area than actual veterans.

Asshole punk filmmakers with their zippo cameras who just learned there was a World War 2 and think that would “make a great movie”!; dickwad sucking hose farts that think they can stop The War In Afghanistan with a movie at meaningless film festival; scum sucking pricks who think they can find the MIAs in Vietnam.

They all come to the VFW to talk with us experts – US WHO KNOW WHAT A FUCKING WAR IS! I tell them war is eating a man in Korea. You’d think we’d be the ones making the movies!

Pete the bartender was “in the shit” in Vietnam as he likes to call it. He sits there all day like an idiot talking to this rotating circus of filmmakers from the college – all trying to get into his head and find out what it was really like in combat.

VIETNAM VETS DON’T KNOW ABOUT COMBAT! It was all whorehouses and monkey brains for those guys.

[Editor’s note: Manka Bros. & Octogenarian strongly feel that Vietnam veterans served their country as heroically as any of our veterans of foreign wars.]

That’s why they didn’t get a Goddamned parade. Hell, I wouldn’t be surprised to see Charlie sitting the corner playing on the pinball machine if that damn Pete had his way. But he took one in the jaw, so I’ll have to give him that. The man looks like an animal and he’s only 57.

I can only take an hour a day in that miserable place. I need some place to go to get away from THOSE DAMN KIDS!

Last night, Snotty Scotty turned the hose on Mrs. Aldrich in freezing temperatures. She claims he was just helping put out the fire in our BBQ that I lit to stay warm during my afternoon outdoor sit. She’s full of shit (not literally, she hasn’t had a decent movement in years) and I hate her for protecting that little prick!

If he lives to see 15, that’s 15 years too many in my book!

I’ll talk at you next week…

Lester Aldrich – Those Damn Kids

May 11, 2011

The Octogenarian Revolution Has Begun!

Mrs. Aldrich is absolutely sick of THOSE DAMN KIDS!

It’s bad enough she has go to the doctor three times a week and take a bag full of pills each day just to have the strength to watch television, but THOSE DAMN KIDS keep tormenting her with footballs in our shrubs and bicycles that crush her precious rose bushes.

There’s only so much old people can stomach before we take the law into our own hands! If it means I have to shoot and torture some of THOSE DAMN KIDS, I just might have to do it.

I’m an old man. I’ve lived a long time and I know when all this hooliganism started. It was the day marijuana came into this country. Brought over by the dope smoking Chinese after Chiang Kai-shek lost the war to the Communists. Ever since then THOSE DAMN KIDS have been HIGH ON POT.

Confucius was wrong when he said, ‘He who stands on the toilet gets high on pot.’ I say, he who smokes reefer gets high on pot – and gets so high on pot that they treat old people like a fist full of maggots.

Well, listen up, sonny boys and sonny girls, THERE’S GOING TO BE A REVOLUTION and it’s going to be started by the OCTOGENARIANS of this country! If it means a lot of blood is spilled, then so be it.

But by God, we’re going to take this country back!

Historians will analyze the revolution and write, ‘I think we could have stopped all the carnage and loss of life if THOSE DAMN KIDS would have stayed off my fucking lawn!”

I’ll talk at you next week…

Lester Aldrich – Those Damn Kids

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