Jr. – Chairman's Blog

September 21, 2018December 19, 2018

Manka Bros. Would Like To Offer Bob Greenblatt A Job

Adam Fogelson, Alan Spoon, Alexander von Furstenberg, Angela Bromstad, Ari Emanuel, Arthur Martinez, Barry Diller, Ben Silverman, Bob Iger, Brad Grey, Brian Roberts, Bryan Lourd, Chase Carey, Craig Smith, David Geffen, David Rosenblatt, Donald R. Keough, Donna Langley, Edgard Bronfman, Electus, Ezra Kucharz, fairy tale movies, Graham Stanton, Greg Blatt, Greg Morrow, Greg Stevens, Gregg Winiarski, Hans Woolley, Harry Sloan, Hey Diddle Diddle, Jason Stewart, Jay Herratti, Jeff Sagansky, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jeffrey Immelt, Jeffrey Katzenberg, Jill Kennedy, Joanne Hawkins, Joey Levin, John C. Malone, John Ferriter, John Foley, John Malone, Josh Abramson, Jr., Kara Swisher, Khan Manka, Louis Castle, Manka Bros., Mark Stein, Michael Eisner, Michael Schwerdtman, Michael Zeisser, Nikki Finke, Notional, On Medea, OnMedea, Paul Telegdy, Peter Chernin, Phillippe Dauman, Richard F. Zannino, Rick Finkelstein, Ricky Van Veen, Ron Meyer, Rupert Murdoch, Scott Garell, Scott Savitz, Shana Fisher, Sharon Waxman, Stacey Snider, Steve Burke, Steve Jobs, Steven Spielberg, Sumner Redstone, Terry Semel, Thomas J. McInerney, Tina Brown, Tony DiSanto, Victor Kaufman, Bob Greenblatt

Good afternoon from the Seychelles! I’ll be back in Burbank soon – so stop asking.

So – it appears Bob Greenblatt is leaving NBC because a) He needs another challenge; b) Life isn’t interesting anymore and he needs to climb a fucking mountain; c) I got enough money, ho; or d) He’d really like a chance to turn around Manka Bros.’ MBS network.

I know for a fact the answer is d) because running MBS is the ultimate job in television. The crown jewel in a town where most jewels are borrowed and bullshit.

MBS, as we all know (I don’t need to give everyone a fucking history lesson), was the first television network in history – which was born from the first radio network in history.

MBS is truly the reason all us all here today, making millions in Hollywood for putting out a (in general) sub-par product..

But, that said, even the greatest sucks ass on occasion (I mean, look at Jimmy Stewart and Mohammed Ali!).

MBS currently sucks ass – and needs new leadership.

You, Bob, are that leadership. If you’re looking for a new challenge in life – this is fucking it.

I mean there are challenges – like a cure for Alzheimers which, in my opinion, is doable – and there are CHALLENGES – like turning around the fucking lame ass MBS television network.

Come on, Bob, you can do this!

We can do live musicals – “Rampage Of The Stegosaur” or “Gulag” come to mind.

We can move forward with one of my favorite pilots over the years “My Wife Left Me For Bucky Dent.”

Regardless of all this great IP, what we really need at MBS is leadership.

I can’t do it all. I’ve got the world’s largest media company to run – just taking over a measly TV network would be a bullshit job for me.

But not for you. You’re good at that, Bob.

So, my offer is this… a job. A good job… for good money.

Good Hollywood money.

I’m not talking Ohio money – I’m talking Hollywood money!

Let’s talk.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

P.S. – If you’re leaving for difficult, personal reasons, I apologize and wish you nothing but the best.

July 11, 2017July 14, 2017

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2017 – Day 1 – Old Media? That’s Cute

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Herb Allen's Sun Valley Conference 2016, Sun Valley Lodge, Bin Tran, Vin Tran, Lee S Ainslie III, Yousef Al Otaiba, Hans-Holger Albrecht, Paul G Allen, James Anderson, Marc Andreessen, Michael Angelakis, Tim Armstrong, Nikesh Arora, Neil M Ashe, Emilio Azcarraga, Manvinder S Banga, Lionel Barber, Craig R Barrett, Willow Bay, Andreas Bechtolsheim, Marc Benioff, Jeffrey Berg, James Berkus, Michael S Berman, Mark Bertolini, Gary Bettman, Jeff Bewkes, Jeffrey P Bezos, Aneel Bhusri, The Right Honorable Tony Blair, Gregory R Blatt, Anthony H Bloom, Michael R Bloomberg, Steven R Boal, Scott A Bommer, Cory A Booker, Jeffrey H Boyd, Sergey Brin, Glenn Britt, Tom Brokaw, Michael J Brown, Howard G Buffett, Susie Buffett, Warren Buffett, John Burbank, Stephen Burke, Erin Burnett, Ursula Burns, John E Bush, Jeanie Buss, John A Canning Jr., Chase Carey, Wences Casares, Mark Casey, Kenneth Chenault, Peter Chernin, Brian Chesky, Richard Chilton, Chris Christie, Lewis Cime, Adriana Cisneros, Gustavo Cisneros, Vittorio Colao, Timothy Collins, Patrick Collison, Timothy Cook, Anderson Cooper, David Corkins, Delos Cosgrove, Dick Costolo, Cristian Croitoru, Henry Crumpton, Jose Luis Cutrale, Will Danoff, Philippe Dauman, Christopher Davis, Alfonso de Angoitia, John DeGioia, Diego Della Valle, Brian Demain, Andre Desmarais, David DeVoe, Feroz Dewan, William DeWitt, Barry Diller, Daniel Doctoroff, Jonathan Dolgen, John Donahoe, Jack Dorsey, Michael Duke, Mathias Dopfner, David Ebersman, Wesley Edens, Marvin Edwards, Eric Eisner, Michael Eisner, John Elkann, Thomas Evans, Randel Falco, Jose Antonio Fernandez, Michael Ferror, Niall W. A. FitzGerald, Thomas Friedman, Michael Fries, Tommy Frist, Daniel Fulton, Michael Fux, Mala Gaonkar, Whitfield Gardner, William Gates, Melinda Gates, Julius Genachowski, Daniel Gilbert, Thomas Giovine, David Goldberg, Roger Goodell, Bing Gordon, Donald Graham, Brian Grazer, Brad Grey, John Griffin, Andreas Halvorsen, Reed Hastings, General Michael Hayden USAF, James Heavener, John Hendricks, John Henry, John Heyman, Kazuo Hirai, John Hock, Reid Hoffman, Won Pyo Hong, Lisa Hook, Ben Horowitz, Drew Houston, Robert Iger, David Ignatius, Martin Indyk, Phillip Jackson, Eli Jacobs, Paul Jacobs, Robert Johnson, Salar Kamanger, Peter Karmanos, Alexander Karp, Michael Karsch, Jeffrey Katzenberg, Michael Keating, Brian Kelly, Muhtar Kent, Joseph Robert Kerrey, Dara Khosrowshahi, Seth Klaman, Joel Klein, Peter Klein, Philip H Knight, Victor Koo, Robert Kotick, Robert Kraft, Henry Kravis, Ynon Kreiz, Blake Krikorian, Ananda Krishnan, Stan Kroenke, Daniel Lamarre, Michael Larson, Martin Lau, Michael Leavitt, Jay Lee, Eric Lefkofsky, Theordore Leonsis, Max Levchin, David Levin, Phil Libin, Martin Lipton, Bryan Lourd, Kenneth W Lowe, Michael Lowenstein, Dan Lufkin, Dennis P LYnch, Michael Lynton, Maurice Levy, John Malone, Robert Marcus, Morris Mark, Donald Mattrick, Kathleen A McCarragher, General Stanley A McChrystal, Andrew McKenna, General Montgomery C Meigs, Lorenzo Mendoza, Ron Meyer, Roberto Mignone, Hiroshi Mikitani, Bill Miller, Kenneth Miranda, Thomas Monahan, Leslie Moonves, Luis Alberto Moreno, Dan Moskovitz, Craig Mundle, James Murdoch, Rupert Mudoch, Lachlan Murdoch, Nathan Myhrvold, Michael Neidorff, Jonathan M Nelson, Vivi Nevo, Sam Nunn, Michael E O'Hanlon, Daniel J O'Keefe, Don O'Neal, Ronald L Olson, Evan Osnos, CL Butch Otter, Michael Ovitz, Larry Page, Stephen G Pagliuca, Saul Pannell, Mark Papa, William Pappendick, MIchael Pausic, Minxin Pei, Francois-Henry Pinault, Mark Pincus, Laurene Powell, Lawrence F Probst, Rebecca Quick, Thomas Rabe, Jay Rasulo, Jerry Reinsdorf, Danny Rimer, Richard Riordan, Ambassador Charles H Rivkin, Brian Roberts, James Robinson IIi, James Robinson IV, Fernando Rodes Vila, Brian Rogers, Congressman Mike Rogers, Charlie Rose, Daniel Rose, Wilbur L Ross, Haim Saban, Karim Sadjadpour, Sheryl Sandberg, Ricky Sandler, Ted Sarandos, Fayez Sarofim, Nassef Sawiris, Eric Schmidt, John Schneider, Christopher Schroeder, John Scully, Allan Selig, Nicole Seligman, Eric Semler, William Siegel, Herbert Siegel, Ben Silbermann, Christopher Silbermann, Louis Simpson, Eduardo Sirotsky Melzer, Andrew Sorkin, Sir Martin Sorrell, Thomas Staggs, Cristina Stenbeck, David Stern, Michael Stone, Sir Howard Stringer, Robert Swan, Peter Thiel, Mark Thompson, Sebastian Thrun, Thomas Tull, Peter Ueberroth, Joseph Vacanti, Jeffrey Van Harte, Owen Van Natta, Martin Varsavsky, Leftie Vaughn, Michelangelo Volpi, Alexandre Von Furstenberg, Dian von Furstenberg, Casey Wasserman, David Weinberg, Judd Weinberg, Jeff Weiner, Harvey Weinstein, Wallace R Weitz, Robert Werbel, Michael White, Meg Whitman, Jim Wiatt, James Williams, Fred Wilpon, Jeffrey Wilpon, Fred Wilson, David J Winters, Nicholas Woodman, Major General Amos Yadlin, Jerry Yang, Jed York, David Zaslav, Dirk E Ziff, Gianfranco Zoppas, Mark Zuckerberg, Jack Ma, Jeff Bezos, Tony Wible, Marissa Mayer, General Stanley McChrystal, John Kerry, Michael Bloomberg, Justin Trudeau, Iggy Azalea

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2017 – Day 1: Old Media? That’s Cute.

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2017 – Day 2: Rocky Horror

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2017 – Day 3: World’s Fastest Man

Another Herb Allen Sun Valley Conference, another week attempting suicide by alcohol consumption.

The plane approach at the Sun Valley airport was reminiscent to a “Top Gun” dogfight. Rupert Murdoch’s pilot is a fucking maniac. They nearly crushed my plane trying to beat us to the landing.

My self-driving hover car or whatever it was (courtesy of Elon Musk) was no better. They have now incorporated an AI “driver” that chats in taxi cab driver-type small talk on the way to your destination. I know that fucking robot did not care how my flight was.

While the Silicon Valley guys (remember – no girls) roll into the Sun Valley Lodge like rock stars, we in old media get the reception of a singing waiter at a pasta joint… “yeah, yeah, I know you can fucking sing – but where’s my lasagna?”

I don’t know. This may be my last year in Sun Valley. Who needs this shit?

We moguls used to rule this school and now the new titans talk at us like we’re in a retirement home unable to control our bladders. (To be fair, there are a few here in which that is true… Rupert?)

My self-driving car made it without issue except for the weird little racist screaming that the AI driver yelled at an Asian man crossing the street illegally. Strange to program it like that – like a real taxi driver.

I walked past the media veal in their little caged square barely able to move and walked into the third best hotel in Sun Valley!

After check in, I did what any out-of-touch, cast-off-by-society, irrelevant person would do – I headed straight for the bar to reminisce about the “good old days.”

I entered The Duchin Lounge (aka “The Drankin’ Hole”) and wonder of wonder, miracle of miracles, my old buddy, the best goddamned bartender in the world, Vin Tran, was right where he was supposed to be – behind the bar, ready to serve.

Vin: Mr. Khan Manka, Jr. – so great to see you. A friendly face.

Me: Not friendly till you get me goddamned drink.

Vin: Dirty martini?

Me: Two of ’em. I want them filthy.

Vin: Coming up.

I looked around the bar. Pretty slow start. Philippe Dauman playing Frogger in the corner, mumbling to himself (just like last year) and Jony Ive of Apple clicking furiously on his Blackberry.

Me: How have you been, Vin?

Vin: Terrible, boss. My wife is divorcing me. Say she going to take everything. She even said she was going to take my job.

Me: At least she didn’t get that.

Vin: She did! I’m training her. She starts in two weeks!

Me: Ugh, that’s awful. Divorce is terrible. I’ve stopped doing it. If you need a job and a new start, come to Burbank, I’ll set you up in the kitchen there.

Vin: Thanks, boss. You are a great man. Here are your dirty martinis – the dirtiest I ever made. Excuse me.

I sucked down the first one and immediately began to think straight. Why did I come here again? We, in Hollywood, used to dictate what people would see and how they would see it.

Now giant movie studios are simply looked at as a cozy acquisition target to be tucked away in the “Entertainment” division of a “much more important company.” A company that “small frys” like us could only one day dream to understand its complexity and importance.

Speaking on cozy acquisitions, Jeffrey Katzenberg entered the bar, looking tan, relaxed, a fidget spinner twirling in each hand.

Katzenberg: Khan! Wassup!

Me: Hello Jeff, you’re looking fit.

Katzenberg: $3.8 billion will do that to a person! Ha! Bin Tran, triple rosy!

Bin Tran starts making some sort of fruity drink with a splash of alcohol. Wearing his new media uniform of bald head and black turtleneck, Katzenberg glides into the seat next to me.

Katzenberg: How tricks, Khan? Same old grind? Same old media? Bloated movies and TV shows. Wishing it was 1975?

Me: Yes, to all of it.

Katzenberg: And what’s going on with your theatrical business? First you abandon your tentpole strategy, then you start it up again? What’s going on? Manka Bros. is a mess!

Me: The movie industry’s a shit storm right now. Just a crappy business. We just bought the rights to Lincoln Logs to make, you know, LEGO-type movies and video games. It’s all just crap.

Katzenberg: You’re in an unsustainable business, my friend. You’ve got $60 an hour Teamsters just sitting in trucks all day waiting to move a set from one three hundred foot sound stage to another. I’ve got an unpaid filmmaker who gets my coffee, shoots the video on her camera and edits it in fifteen seconds. Multiply that by thousands of times a day. Zero in production costs – fifty dollars in ad revenue over the life of the project. Do that a million times and you’ve got… fifty times a million. Fifty million dollars without having to do shit. I’m the future, Khanie. New media. My company is WndrCo – no “o” – no “e”–

Me: What?

Katzenberg: $600 million dollars has been given to me to create the future. Want a piece?

Me: That’s the future?

Katzenberg: Yes. Little videos, made by influencers… capisce?

Me: Like PewDiePie?–

Katzenberg: Fuck that guy! Nazi German prick.

The few moguls who had made to the bar look at Katzenberg.

Katzenberg: (lowering his voice) – Yes, like him… without the racism.

Katzenberg takes a drink of his fruit punch, resuming one of the fidget spinners.

Katzenberg: Oh, and VR. LOTS of VR! Shit’s gonna blow your mind.

He does the “mind blow” pantomime with his hand against his head.

Katzenberg: WndrCo – no “o” – no “e”…

The Herb Allen Sun Valley Conference has begun…

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2017 – Day 1 – Old Media? That’s Cute.

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2017 – Day 2 – Rocky Horror

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2016

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2015

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2014

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2013

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2012

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2011

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2010

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2009

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2008

June 5, 2017

Manka Bros. To Resume Theatrical Tentpole Strategy

Good afternoon.

After announcing last week that Manka Bros. would be abandoning its tentpole strategy to focus on lower budget, more interesting films, I have decided based the insane opening of “Wonder Woman” – that we will resume our tentpole strategy at Manka Bros. Films.

I don’t know what I (and, the real people to blame, the corporate stooges who backed me up on this idea) was thinking.

Actually, I do. I was thinking “Damn, Scotch is so delicious!”

But on the long flight home from the Seychelles, I came to the conclusion that it’s impossible to craft a solid theatrical production and distribution strategy after drinking a bottle of Scotch 10,000 miles away from the office.

So… here’s the drill…

The folks at Manka Highbrow, Manka Dogme, Manka Docs, Manka Mumblecore and Manka Ultra should continue to produce the crap that you a-holes pump out every year.

The tentpole movies from Manka Bros. Films (mostly MC Comics and the Magpie franchise) that were deep in development should be picked up again (I hope you didn’t delete all the files!), and those movies that were pushed out of production should resume shooting immediately.

Those expecting to have free time this weekend, should cancel any plans and work work work instead.

If anyone brings up my previous blog in front of me, you will be fired.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

May 29, 2014

Manka Bros. Would Like To Offer Kevin Reilly A Job

It has been brought to my attention that Kevin Reilly – the futurist former head of the Fox Broadcasting Company – has been forcibly removed from his post and is now looking forward to forcibly spending “more time with his family.”

Rupert Murdoch, my old friend, you have made a grave mistake.

Kevin Reilly had the balls to bring us such shows as…

(I don’t really know, can someone in Media Research fill in the rest of this sentence – he must have done something, right?)

Did Fox do “Barney Miller”?

He has also done tons of other really important shit (again, Research, help me out).

Anyway, Kevin, I speak directly to you now – I love that you wanted to eliminate pilot season.

I, personally, have decided to eliminate the development process. We just go directly to series based on first drafts.

Anyone who writes in complete sentences knows more than Jay McBee (President of the Manka Bros. Television Group), so why would we want him to read scripts and make notes. What the fuck does he know? He was a Radio Shack cashier before he won that goddamned reality show contest which made him the head of the Television Group.

But I digress…

Kevin, seriously, you can take any job you want. Over-the-Top networks are pretty trendy right now. We could give you money to make little videos for YouTube. That’s cool, right?

Or you could produce shit for Manka Broadway. Or publish books in our book division. Or even sell branded socks in Consumer Products.

Whatever job you want – you can have. Except mine. And except Lloyd Grohl.

You could even have a Board seat. We are so ready to dump Diahann Carroll it’s not even funny.

Think about it, Kevin. This is the best offer you will get.

Everyone else is doomed to fail.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

January 15, 2014

Manka Bros. To ‘Bypass’ the Development Process

Good morning…

Following Kevin Reilly’s (Fox) announcement that they will no longer be participating in the TV Pilot Season process (which we’ve all been doing in this town for the past 50 years or so), I would like to take an even bolder step.

Today, I am announcing that the Manka Bros. Television Group is bypassing the entire DEVELOPMENT process. Because, let’s be frank, the creative executives that work at my studio suck ass and make everything they touch die like the “Boy In The Plastic Bubble.”

So – because of this complete incompetence and our crappy HR department’s inability to replace these pricks with anyone that can read, I have decided that Manka Bros. is now the most talent-friendly studio in town – because we give GREENLIGHTS to writers based on their FIRST DRAFTS!

Suck on that, Fox! Good luck giving that sort of control.

So, writers of TV (and film for that matter) – come to Manka Bros. – write for us and get pretty much anything you want and we won’t change a goddamn thing.

Rejoice, writers – Harvard MBAs will no longer be giving you notes on how to make your blue collar stories more gritty and believable.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

December 3, 2013December 16, 2013

The Manka Bros. Holiday Party Is Cancelled

Good afternoon.

For the second straight year, because it was a horrible year for the studio, I have cancelled the planned Holiday Party Extravaganza at the Downtown L.A. Live complex. Please inform your children that Santa Claus has been canned and will not be there.

Because not one of the business divisions stepped up and even made the slightest attempt to improve the numbers, there will be no ice skating, no drunking, no gift bags full of amazing shit – no holiday cheer.

If you’re looking for fun this holiday season, try crashing a Disney or Warner Bros. party. They had much better years. Maybe Santa will be there.

If anyone needs me, I will be at my house in The Seychelles attempting to figure out how we survive another year with the crappy bunch of employees I have working for me.

I realize that morale is a delicate thing – but I’ve been coddling you sons and daughters of bitches for too long!

2014 will be the Year of the Hammer (if you know what I mean).

Over the two days I am giving you off (December 25 and January 1), take some time to review your failures of the past year(s) and be prepared to convince me why I should still employ you after I return to the studio in January.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

[dictated but not read]

October 25, 2013December 16, 2013

Old Media Fights Back

“Generation C” can suck it.

It’s time for Old Media to strike back against the bullshit that is “Generation C” and the power this group of slack-jawed dorks seems to have over the way we have done business for over 100 years!

Every goddamned meeting we have these days is focused on how we can reach these asshole kids who, frankly, could care less about what we do as long as we occasionally vomit out another “Iron Man” sequel.

Well, I think it’s time for the industry to say – fuck them – we’re going to do what we do best and the rest of the world is going to like it – like they used to… until about 10 years ago.

Probably when YouTube started.

Now all you read is story after story about teens cutting cords, “visionary” teens creating their own content and building their own empires. This cannot stand or we’ll all be out of business before the decade ends.

I’m spending more and more of my day seeing presentations about how we should buy this or that dumb ass YouTube channel or some other dumb ass OTT channel that gets 2 billions views a day for some unwatchable piece of shit that cost $2 dollars while our horrible TV networks get 2 million viewers for something that costs $2 million dollars.

Hollywood studios need to remember this – WE DECIDE WHO IS FAMOUS AND WE DECIDE WHO GETS TO PRODUCE CONTENT!

I’ve talked to Bob Iger, Rupert Murdoch, Jeff Bewkes, Brian Roberts and Sumner Redstone and we are all in agreement. Even Barry Diller agrees that things are getting out of control (and he considers himself a card carrying member of Generation C).

Content production is a precious commodity that must be under OUR control at all time. Chuck Lorre and Jerry Seinfeld will create our comedy. Aaron Sorkin and JJ Abrams will write our drama. Seamus and Tony Bennett will sing our songs. Alison Fogle and Nicolas Sparks will write our books. etc. etc. etc.

That’s just the way it has to be.

PewDiePie and his disruptive merry band of a-holes on YouTube must not be allowed to cross the border into Hollywood.

Let me be clear – our future sucks.

We can’t just keep throwing bigger and bigger budgets at our horrible horrible movies and TV shows and expect audiences will just bow down at our amazing lighting, acting and camera images.

My 14-year-old daughter, Connie (from whom I first heard the term “Generation C”), produces high quality videos that look just as good as anything on television and her camera cost $39.95.

No, the only option we have for our survival is to crush any new platforms and ideas created by this satanic Generation C. They are trying to destroy our impenetrable bubble. They WILL NOT destroy my lifestyle.

From this day forward, the new PewDiePie is I.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

October 8, 2013

MIPCOM 2013 – Khan Manka, Jr. Media Mastermind Keynote Address

[The following is an unedited transcript of Khan Manka, Jr.’s Media Mastermind interview at MIPCOM 2013. An edited transcript will be released to the press when appropriate.]

MIPCOM 2013 – KHAN MANKA, JR. MEDIA MASTERMIND KEYNOTE INTERVIEW

Katy Perry’s “Roar” plays as Khan Manka, Jr. makes his way to a chair opposite his interviewer – Ben Silverman.

Khan Manka, Jr. (KM): First of all, Ben, before we start, I’d like to say, Ryan Kavanaugh is an idiot.

Ben Silverman (BS): I mostly agree with that – but don’t you think he’s doing some interesting things at Relativity television?

KM: If by ‘interesting things’ you mean ‘really suck ass crappy shit,’ then, yes, he is doing some interesting things. Is that drink mine?

BS: I think so – mine is this one – the gin fizz…

KM: OK – let’s explore Kavanaugh’s business philosophy.

(KM takes a large gulp from his cocktail.)

KM: Ryan Kavanaugh makes a lot of horrible movies and his model is to spin movie shit into TV gold. Fine, that can work. Worked with “Buffy,” we’ve had a couple of successes that way – “Norway 10” comes to mind. But Ryan Kavanaugh is an idiot and his strategy sucks because he appears to be calling himself a genius because of it. A real genius wouldn’t consistently make all that crap. I mean, we’re talking about an unbelievably high volume of really shitty stuff here.

BS: Language.

KM: Right right – (calling out) sorry, Luc! I was told by the MIPCOM guy, Luc, before the interview to watch my language. Executives from the Children’s Television Workshop are in the audience today.

BS: In Ryan’s defense, as long as the buyers are buying – you have to try to sell. Even if you know you have a bad show.

KM: You know all about that, right, Ben? “Mob Wives,” seriously? When you cancel that you’re going to get a bullet through the eye.

BS: It’s all about pushing the envelope.

KM: Yeah? OK – I’ve got a show for you. It’s called “Celebrity Beatdown” – every week you get some low life thugs and have them stalk and beat up a beloved celebrity. Next week, we kick the shit out of Tom Hanks.

(There are some ‘boos’ from the crowd.)

KM: Wait – wait. But imagine the ratings – every week another huge unsuspecting celebrity gets a beat down from some thug – and you can export that format, too. Next week we kick the shit out of Gerard Depardieu.

(There is some applause from the crowd.)

BS: I know you’re joking – but I like that idea. Women, too?

KM: Sure, why not? Didn’t you produce ‘Foxy Boxing?‘

BS: That wasn’t me, but I did watch the show. Some of those chicks could really punch.

KM: (to the audience) – And just like that, another billion dollar franchise.

(Applause.)

BS: You gave a keynote address last year here at MIPCOM (and, I also gave one three years ago when I launched Electus). Have things changed much since then? Where do you think the television business is heading?

KM: Definitely not where we want it to go – that’s for goddamned sure. Most studio heads and executives want things to be 1979 again. Four networks – huge ratings and we controlled the entertainment that the world saw. Now, WE still live in that world but the audience doesn’t. And nobody really works anymore – they just have meetings all day long. Because it’s really bullshit what entertainment executives do. We come up with crap ideas and then have a support team around us to tell us how great the ideas are. And very few people get fired for sucking.

(KM takes another drink. BS gets refills.)

KM: “Celebrity Diving?” Did that one come like a thunder bolt to some guy like Einstein’s Theory? Hey, I just thought up another show – “Celebrity Tennis!” Wait – another one is coming… “Celebrity Bowling!” Or better yet – the Duck Dynasty guys have a spin-off show where they join a bowling league and they bowl once a week! I’ll call it “Duck Bowling.” And then we can have “Celebrity Duck Bowling” where the Duck Dynasty guys bowl against celebrities with movies coming out the next weekend.

BS: I like it. Now you’re thinking like a global programmer.

KM: And, in conclusion, if I had a gun, I would blow my brains out. Don’t people realize that we are the reason Hollywood isn’t glamorous anymore. We are the reason young people could care less about the products we put out. We turn plumbers into heroes and celebrities into morons. And while that may be true, it’s not what we are trying to do. Hollywood is ruined and the damage is irreparable. Any questions?

(There were several questions about Manka Bros. television shows that have failed in the last year and the studio’s inability to launch any new franchises and whether James Schamus or Adam Fogelson have accepted the job offer from Manka Bros. [not yet] – but those were not recorded for this transcript.)

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

October 2, 2013October 2, 2013

Manka Bros. Would Like To Offer James Schamus A Job

Good evening from Paris!

I’m here to receive an Award from a French film society for all the Joey Levitch movies Manka Bros. produced over the past 50 years. Holy shit do they love Joey Levitch over here!

I’m also prepping for a keynote address I’m giving next week at MIPCOM in Cannes. I’m thinking of calling the speech “How Did We Fuck It Up?”

But I digresss… and I am drunk.

I see the idiots over at Comcast NBC Universal Procter & Gamble GlaxoSmithKline have fired James Schamus.

Good move, boneheads. Jimmy Schamus is a class act and this move signals nothing to me other than a plan to completely get out of the specialty business.

Like I said, good move, boneheads. It is possible to make a lot of fucking money without spending a lot of fucking money, morons. Make good movies and audiences will go – period.

I know Universal has been terrible ever since Steven Spielberg left but why are you working so hard to make it worse?

As I said, I am currently drunk, so the following offer is not binding – but Manka Bros. would like to offer the fantastic James Schamus a job.

We have many excellent, award-winning film labels at Manka Bros. – including Manka Bros. Films, Manka Highbrow, Manka Dogme, Manka Docs, Manka Shorts and the coming soon Manka Mumblecore (really excited about that one even though I don’t understand what it is).

If you’re tired of working in the movie business, maybe you could take a whack at our Theme Park business. We’re having some real issues with our Manka Fun Park in Yemen.

Anyway, I’m going to pass out now.

James, please accept or deny this offer with my assistant, Vicky Adler-Modry.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

March 13, 2013March 28, 2016

Yemen Theme Park – 2013 Update

Good morning.

I am back from the hellhole that was Austin, Texas and the that waste of time known as SXSW.

If there was any positive that came out of my keynote address it was that my security guard kicked the Foo Fighters’ asses. Truly the only enjoyable moment of my trip.

This morning, I received an urgent phone call from the new President of Yemen – Adb Rabbuh Mansur Hadi (spell check didn’t get any one of those right). He said things were going very badly at the Manka Fun Park Yemen site.

In fact, he said he believed that several parts of the park which are still under construction are being used as Al-Qaeda training facilities.

My response to him was “Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!”

This park has been a disaster ever since we broke ground five years ago.

(My updates over the years – here and here – give further details to this mess.)

March 13, 2008 was a glorious day in our quest to expand the Manka Bros. brand to the Middle East.

On the advice of Ethan Rubidoux (President of Consumer Products, Manka Sports, Broadway Manka, Theme Parks and Digital Distribution), we decided NOT to pursue a golden opportunity in Abu Dhabi in which we would have receive full funding for the Manka Fun Park ($1 billion) as well as a generous license fee for our IP going forward.

Mr. Rubidoux explained to me that every studio was building a park in either Abu Dhabi or Dubai and if we were to go it alone in a undeveloped country like Yemen, we would own the market.

While it is true that there isn’t another theme park in Yemen, there is also such negatives as terrorist breeding grounds, a brewing civil war, not many paved roads, a bombed out shell of an airport, etc. etc.

After my phone call with President blah blah blah, I looked back on the file of the project at the beginning and found this fax (below) that I sent from my room at the San’a Nights Hotel.

If there was ever a red flag at the beginning of a project, this was it.

Building a Manka Fun Park in Yemen has been a nightmare from the very beginning.

But we are already $1 billion dollars into construction and can only hope that things improve over the next few months.

President Abd Rubbuh Mansur Hadi has assured me that construction will continue once U.S. drones bomb the terrorist training grounds (near what was supposed to be the Camel Hump Roller Terror in 3D).

He has also assured me that road construction to the park will start eventually.

That’s where it stands. A total horrific failure.

Next time, no one is allowed to change my mind.

But I am not going to fire Ethan Rubidoux. I am just going to give him another awful division to run – he is now also President of our Anti-Piracy Group.

Good luck with that one, Ethan!

For further background on how this fucking project ever received a greenlight, here is a portion of a presentation Lloyd Grohl gave to the Merrill Lynch Mediatainment Conference a few years back.

Why no one under me was smart enough to stop this Titanic of a disaster from happening, I’ll never know.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company